tito1501 Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 Hello everyone, I do not want to go too much into detail here. Me and my girlfriend have been strugglingwith our relationship during the last months. In a nutshell, a few months ago she told me she wanted me dead because I did not like an apartment we visited together. She wants to move to Amsterdam so she takes an hours less to commute. This is driving her crazy. Since that day, I dont see her the same way. Being in front of her for dinner has no longer been exciting. One day we were having sushi at our favorite restaurant and then Pamn, a sudden irritation, unquietness inside myself, big discomfort (I dont wanna be here), which I translate as anxiety. I got extremly shocked because was something that I did not expect or control. I was not having any thought about our relationship at that moment. A few days later we traveled for holidays to Austria and I was still having these sudden attacks. The places we visited were perfect but I didnt have inner peace. I was trying to understand where these f...ing feelings came from. Since then I asked her for a break because I have to find myself in this situation. My question is: can our subconcious/emotions/etc. give us a warning sometimes? Like: something is wrong with your life dude! Because I was not thinking at all about my relationship at that very moment at the sushi restaurant. But for months I was thinking whether my relationship was worth it. Thank you in advance. I really need some guidance here.
basil67 Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 She said she wishes you were dead! This shouldn't be your subconscious giving you subtle warnings.....this should be your brain openly reconsidering whether or not this is the type of person you want a relationship with. Some things in life can and should be deal breakers. It's time to allow yourself to question the relationship. Can you tell us your other concerns? 2
Dis Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 My question is: can our subconcious/emotions/etc. give us a warning sometimes? Oh god yes! About a year ago I was in a relationship with a guy and everything seemed to be running smoothly but I was experiencing some of the worst anxiety I had had in over 10 years I was having random anxiety attacks, always felt a sense of impending doom. I had a feeling my anxiety was correlated with this guy but I everyone I talked to about it told me to calm down and just enjoy dating him Well, 3 months later I walked in on him cheating on me. It was then I realized my gut was trying desperately to tell me to, get out! When we feel physical pain, its our body's way of telling us something is wrong. When we feel unexplainable anxiety correlated with our relationships, its our intuition trying to give us a heads up Dont ignore your gut! Best of luck to you 2
No_Go Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 Gut is powerful. It was June/July last year, and my ex was talking (daily) about getting engaged over Christmas. He'd bring up the topic every so often and I KNEW something is off. In October I checked his dating site account and turned that he messaged 30 women in June :/ I wish I listened to my gut... 2
Author tito1501 Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 She said she wishes you were dead! This shouldn't be your subconscious giving you subtle warnings.....this should be your brain openly reconsidering whether or not this is the type of person you want a relationship with. Some things in life can and should be deal breakers. It's time to allow yourself to question the relationship. Can you tell us your other concerns? Thanks everyone for sharing. My only concerns at this point is about this anxiety feeling that comes and goes. Sometimes I feel its my gut telling me something, sometimes I think that I 'put' in my mind that my relationship is the cause of it, so I could feel better by having found something to allocate my anxiety too. (Breaking up = bye anxiety). Its just that I am so surprised with my body after all this. How could something else (which I cant control make me feel so bad.) Imagine its like: 1000 times you go to sushi and you operate nicely. Then on the 1001st time, you have this attack. How can that be? We weere not in a full-of-fights time of our life. Sometimes I bring this feelings/thougths to work, even though we broke up. And then i started questioning myself why I still feel like this now we are not together. Maybe because we still live together. I just try to be 100% sure that is the cause. I will never be sure, I have to try. I told her that coming back with her would make me feel really bad because I will always be afraid of feeling like this forever. Its just so difficult to break up. Now she is trying her best but I cant keep it.
2much4 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I don't think your feelings of anxiety are that unusual....when I'm falling out of love with someone I often get anxiety at the thought of being with them. How do you feel when she's not around? Relieved ? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 If someone told me they wanted me dead, you're damn right I'd have an anxiety attack. The anxiety is beside the point. The real problem is that you appear to be with someone who's a complete lunatic. 2
Chilli Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 l;m thinking that day upset you to the core , even far far deeper than you realize, It's literally turning your stomach. l'd imagine a gf saying that could ahh, have that effect. l;m thinking your gut seriously just wants you away from her. 1
Author tito1501 Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 I don't think your feelings of anxiety are that unusual....when I'm falling out of love with someone I often get anxiety at the thought of being with them. How do you feel when she's not around? Relieved ? Yes, I feel relieved. But the thing is that we still live together. So I already expect to feel great now that we broke up, which is not the case. Somtimes a bad just comes and goes. But maybe its only going away when I am living by myself again.
Author tito1501 Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 l;m thinking that day upset you to the core , even far far deeper than you realize, It's literally turning your stomach. l'd imagine a gf saying that could ahh, have that effect. l;m thinking your gut seriously just wants you away from her. Thanks for the observation Chilli! It's funny. It is like as if I had two brains. One side telling me that my relationship is the cause of this anxiety. Another side trying to make me stay with her. It takes me a lot of effort to keep on convincing myself I am doing the right thing, especially when she is crying and asking for forgiveness like hell.
Els Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I read your other thread about the apartment argument: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/623788-am-i-being-wise-breaking-up-girl-need-strong-take-action#post7310723 . You didn't mention the "wanted me dead" thing there, though? I mean, obviously I agree with the others that nobody should be in a relationship with someone who literally said they "wanted you dead". So you should leave. On the other hand, it seems like after another 4 months, the two of you still haven't found anywhere to live that is in between both of your jobs? She is still making a two hour round trip commute to her job daily, it appears. That would make anyone crazy. If you are actually holding up the relocation process that much, it's quite understandable that she would be incredibly frustrated. Someone spending 2 extra hours every day commuting, just to be with you, is a big deal! It is definitely best for both of you to break up. She will have two extra free hours a day (which will hopefully make her less crazy), and you can be in a R with a more compatible woman.
Author tito1501 Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 I read your other thread about the apartment argument: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/623788-am-i-being-wise-breaking-up-girl-need-strong-take-action#post7310723 . You didn't mention the "wanted me dead" thing there, though? I mean, obviously I agree with the others that nobody should be in a relationship with someone who literally said they "wanted you dead". So you should leave. On the other hand, it seems like after another 4 months, the two of you still haven't found anywhere to live that is in between both of your jobs? She is still making a two hour round trip commute to her job daily, it appears. That would make anyone crazy. If you are actually holding up the relocation process that much, it's quite understandable that she would be incredibly frustrated. Someone spending 2 extra hours every day commuting, just to be with you, is a big deal! It is definitely best for both of you to break up. She will have two extra free hours a day (which will hopefully make her less crazy), and you can be in a R with a more compatible woman. Hi Elswyth, thanks for the input. Well, when she 'wanted me dead' it was exactly at that moment. I did not want to give too much details in this post here. So since THAT moment, I feel my enchantment was gone. She now tells me she never really WANTED me dead, it is just that she was angry, but I cant just forget this. Anyway, I had never experienced the anxiety I had a few weeks ago. Since that day, even though she wanted me dead, I was trying hard to find an appartment, and I got one for us. I thought I was happy whilst doing it, but as soon as I received the news about it, three days later I got these attacks. ( We did not sign any contract). The funny thing is that this attack just came out of nowhere, not when we found out about the apartment, but in a casual dinner with her. A sudden thing. It is not that I was thinking about the apartment or her at THAT VERY MOMENT. I guess our emotions play by themselves.
Els Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Hi Elswyth, thanks for the input. Well, when she 'wanted me dead' it was exactly at that moment. I did not want to give too much details in this post here. So since THAT moment, I feel my enchantment was gone. She now tells me she never really WANTED me dead, it is just that she was angry, but I cant just forget this. Anyway, I had never experienced the anxiety I had a few weeks ago. Since that day, even though she wanted me dead, I was trying hard to find an appartment, and I got one for us. I thought I was happy whilst doing it, but as soon as I received the news about it, three days later I got these attacks. ( We did not sign any contract). The funny thing is that this attack just came out of nowhere, not when we found out about the apartment, but in a casual dinner with her. A sudden thing. It is not that I was thinking about the apartment or her at THAT VERY MOMENT. I guess our emotions play by themselves. Anxiety attacks can definitely happen "out of the blue" if you are having a difficult time with something in general. How have things been in general aside from that one comment (which I agree was pretty terrible)? 1
Author tito1501 Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 Anxiety attacks can definitely happen "out of the blue" if you are having a difficult time with something in general. How have things been in general aside from that one comment (which I agree was pretty terrible)? All other aspects of my life are actually perfect I would say. But me amd her always have stupid arguments for nothing and week after week I have been feeling less excited to do stuff with her. To such an extent that I cant look forward to having dinner with her, its like I know I will feel bad. It started to happen also regarding me not getting so excited to meet friends, assuming the same would happen with other people. But I know its normal in this phase I have been through.
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 When you have been together for awhile, the excitement will wear off eventually. There's that honeymoon phase that lasts anywhere from 4 months to a year and a half. When it wears off you are left with what is truly there and what they are about. Sometimes you can lose feelings/interest as well. It can be very confusing because not long ago you were so in love. But since you include friends into this, you could be having early signs of depression. The unexplained, like not wanting to do activities, no interest in seeing friends, sleeping a lot, physical pain, etc. Are signs of depression. The easiest thing to do is to change your diet to a healthier one, and exercise daily. This will boost endorphins in your brain, and increase your testosterone levels. Tip: Bananas are great for suppressing anxiety.
Chabela Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 How have your last relationships been? What is the longest you've been in a relationship? Could it be that you are an avoidant? 1
preraph Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 You just finally were ready to accept the truth about where this was going. And then you panicked because here you are kind of making plans and stuff. 1
Chilli Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) Yeah , l don't think it was out of the blue that night having dinner, just hovering around underneath because it wasn't real yet, but then you get the call about the flat, it's a yes, that is real, bingo, panic stations. Edited August 29, 2017 by Chilli 1
Author tito1501 Posted August 29, 2017 Author Posted August 29, 2017 I dont think it has to do with depression. I dont mean that I DONT want to do things with friends, I just am afraid of these thoughts always coming back. On the opposite, I really look forward to when I totally recover from this breakup and can finally enjoy everything at its fullest. I always go out , read books, am working really nicely. But I am just afraid that these feelings wont go away even after we break up . But I am sure this wont happen. it is extremely difficult to know what is right to do or not. One thing I know : If I go back to her now, all those feelings/thoughts will come back even worse.
Author tito1501 Posted August 29, 2017 Author Posted August 29, 2017 How have your last relationships been? What is the longest you've been in a relationship? Could it be that you are an avoidant? What would be an avoidant? But if I understand it well, I am not. My previous relationship I was extremely immature (now that now I am a relationship guru), really jealous etc. My first girlfriend broke up with me and it was really difficult for me. Then after a while shen wanted to get back together, but I preferred to stay on my own.
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