pygmalion Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 Hi all, I've read these message boards for years, but never posted before. I'm in a tough situation. The girl I've dated for a little over a year is great. She's done nothing intentionally wrong and for the most part, things have been good. I'm attracted to her and she to me and we share interests that I don't often find with women I typically date. There are certainly many plusses that I try not to take for granted and often question myself as to why I have any issues at all with the situation. That being said, our personalities are almost total opposites. I am fairly extroverted and she very introverted. My love languages are words of affirmation (her last) or quality time whereas hers is gifting (my last). I draw energy and passion from excitement and surprise whereas she draws it more from time alone and reflections within. This has been... problematic. Perhaps more so for me than her. When we began dating, she had fairly recently gotten out of a long term relationship. I was pretty leary honestly, and almost didn't do it. But we found solace in the fact that we have shared interests that we both longed for from our S.O's in the past so we took the steps to make it official. All went well, at first. After 3 months, her initial excitement for me began to falter. She felt the impact of her past relationship and my excitement for us caused her to pull away. She began going to therapy to find answers to the questions she may have too afraid to ask herself. It's hard for me to totally know because we didn't talk about it a lot. She has never been one to express her feelings verbally (whereas I am). This was hard for me, and I almost ended it but told myself no, because she has qualities I enjoyed. At 6 months, she found refuge from her sadness in an outdoor activity that has become her obsession and honestly, what she truly loves. Whereas before we would see each other maybe once a week (which was VERY hard for me), we would now not always even have that as a guarantee. Instead of our relationship growing and moving forward, I now found myself feeling entirely alone in many ways. I started to utilize my free time by pursuing other activities and it seemed to bother her little. I got used to sleeping in my bed alone and while we still maintained contact and occasional sex, this hasn't changed a ton since the 6 month mark. This is likely where I should have ended things.. but for some reason, I continued. I think I saw parts of light shine through the darkness and for me, I guess it was enough to hope that things could change. I've always been one to put others before myself sadly and it's probably my greatest flaw. At 8-9 months, she graduated from her outdoor classes and has, in some ways, become happier. She is unhappy at her job, but she is more fulfilled in her life by completing something she set out to achieve. i applaud her for it, and think it's great. It honestly is! I just also have realized that she draws more love from those activities than she does from us. At one year now, she has made the efforts to appease my constant asks for more affection and more time together. I very often ask her to talk about things and even more often ask her to communicate. We talk a lot now. And while it's gotten better, I find myself feeling a lack of desire to move forward. I don't know if during my fight for more affection and attention I eventually gave up or if I've just lost the initial feelings for her that I had when we first started, but I find myself struggling. Almost as if it's too little, too late. I feel that after a year of this, i still don't entirely know her. Everything feels so routine and after a year of that, i am becoming bored too. We have not ever said 'I love you' to eachother, and honestly.. I cannot do it. I've told her this and asked her how she felt about it too. Her replies are vague, but I was able to surmise from our talks that she has similar feelings. That perhaps she has lost hope too, but is too scared to break it off. It's hard to say. If you've read this far, you're probably wondering why the hell anyone would stay in something like this. Well, when we are together, things are much better. When I see her, she is more affectionate. When we ARE happy, we feel a bond, even if it's weak. But we rarely see eachother, and texts from her (which is the backbone of our relationship) are robotic and cold. Not intentionally. Just because that is how she is. Constant affection isn't what she needs like me sadly. I wish I didn't.. but it's just how my mind works. I have tried to be understanding of our differences. I wouldn't have lasted this long otherwise. But it's worn me so thin. It's worn me out too. I find myself now thinking of life when I was single before her. To make matters worse, a woman I've known for a long time who's personality and mine OOZE sexual chemistry will often contact me because after all these years, despite who we're both with, we cannot stop thinking of eachother. We've talked before about being together, but are afraid to lose the weird thing we have right now if it doesn't work. On top of that.. she told me recently that she felt love for me, even though she is with another. It was a bit shocking, but also something I can't deny that I don't feel for her in some way too. I think about her often even though both her and I are with other people. I take this as not a good sign for my current relationship even though the woman I'm with has many qualities I do find to be good. Yet, I can't shake the feelings for this other woman. Even before I met the person I'm with now, this would happen in the past. It's a tough situation. There is no guarantee that anything would work with the other if things don't work for me now. I know that. And I can't base any decision on a small chance. However, I cannot keep going forward with someone who I can't find in my heart to love after a year of being with them. As sad and guilty as I feel for thinking that towards someone who, all things considered, hasn't done anything necessarily wrong, I cannot deny that I feel it. I may come to regret the choice to break it off, but this is a case where I feel like I have to listen to my gut. Has anyone else ever felt this way before? Has anyone had similar situations? The internal conflict has been something I've felt for almost 6 months. I don't know how much longer I can take it, even though I do really care for my current S.O. Any advice would be great. Cheers! 1
elaine567 Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 To make matters worse, a woman I've known for a long time who's personality and mine OOZE sexual chemistry will often contact me because after all these years, despite who we're both with, we cannot stop thinking of eachother. We've talked before about being together, but are afraid to lose the weird thing we have right now if it doesn't work. On top of that.. she told me recently that she felt love for me, even though she is with another. It was a bit shocking, but also something I can't deny that I don't feel for her in some way too. I think about her often even though both her and I are with other people. I take this as not a good sign for my current relationship even though the woman I'm with has many qualities I do find to be good. Yet, I can't shake the feelings for this other woman. Even before I met the person I'm with now, this would happen in the past. ^^^^ this is the real problem, it has really nothing to do with who your gf may or may not be - you have checked out. Your gf could be the most desired, most alluring and exciting woman on the planet but you are no longer interested, your mind is with another. Let your gf go and find someone who will love her, it is not fair to keep stringing her along like this. 1
todreaminblue Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 like elaine i see your fascination fro the woman you dont have to be the problem.......relationships are hard huh.so much effort.......if you were to save the relationship you were in it would take you opening up and being honest with your current so...and seeing if your relationship together is something you can work on...whether she wants to work on it as well.....sexual chemistry can be worked on.....as can communication or lack thereof......... if i were you that is something i would do....whatever reason this past woman didnt work out for you.......or her...and you ended up with other people for a reason...there was a disconnect and not all disconnects should be reconnected......search your heart...take time to know what you really want...and dont settle for less or let the woman you are with settle for less than love..........if you cant see a future in your current relationship let her go so she can have a future with a guy who does love her...relationships often need sacrifice to keep the beating heart lines going......are you willing to make those sacrifices and work at it hard?...only you know the answer......and its your heart that knows......deb
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