Rosie3636 Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 I have googles this topic and found alot so I think alot of people end up in this situation. I have been "dating" someone for the past year. We talk every day, go out multiple times a week, amazing sex life, and over the past year we have sincerely bettered each others life by working out together and supporting each others career goals. We had the exclusivity talk and agreed that we are both only seeing each other. You would think that we have the makings of a healthy and happy relationship. But we aren't in a "relationship". We recently had a long talk where he gave me a bunch of excuses as to why he couldn't commit, and I immediately told him that we were done. He cried and tried to convince me to stay and keep doing what we were doing but I can't. We went our separate ways but reconnected after a few weeks. We really missed each other. We have gone out a few times....but I can't get myself past his inability to acknowledge our relationship. Im so confused...I know most people say to walk away. Is that my only option here or is there anyway to fix this? Any success stories out there? I considered saying lets just be friends....but there is too much sexual tension between us for that to happen. Any advice other then cut and run? Thanks for your help!
act00 Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 This whole situation confuses me with the labels, and it almost seems like the "label" is what kills it. You're together for a year. You're exclusive and not seeing other people. You are in a relationships, yet somehow, "girlfriend/boyfriend," becomes a dirty word. Somehow too permanent, even though this is how the relationship is going and existing. I don't understand what the issue is with the word. So he's living the life of "boyfriend," but keeping the door open to bail? Not worth it. Pee or get off the potty, and if he's that unsure after a year, and supposedly exclusive to you only, yet still can't fully commit, it's time to move on. There should be no doubt in his mind where you are in his life, but if he's still on the verge of "what if there's something better," then you're wasting your time with this guy instead of finding someone who is into you fully and completely. I'm afraid cut and run is the only way. "Just friends" won't work. Dear lord, you are in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship already, but that label is problematic, and if the label is that big an issue, do you really want that? I mean, he seems to be on the lookout for something else, despite how great your relationship seems otherwise, and that's a really big problem. 3
staggerlee71 Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 Argh! This is such a tough situation. I'm not so sure cut and run is the immediate course of action What were his excuses for a no commitment? Cutting and running is a power play if your not prepared to do it and say goodbye forever. It creates an on/off situation.
Raena Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 I don't get it. How can he say he's afraid of commitment if he's been committed to you for the past year? Seems to me that he already is your "boyfriend".
Lorenza Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 To me this means that in case you ever make any demands or express any needs, he can simply dismiss them with "I told you we're not in a RL. I don't owe you anything". It's a way to secure his position as a single man who uses all the benefits of a relationship without actually having an emotional responsibility to you. How would you fix this? Nothing is broken per se. It's just that you two want different things from each other. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 This is the type of situation that usually ends in disaster. One person stays in hopes the other will change their mind and commit. But the typical ending to this story is that he will stay until he meets someone with whom he wants to pursue an actual relationship. He also theoretically can date or sleep with whomever he wants in the meantime, becasue he's not your boyfriend. I would not continue this, OP. 6
mikeylo Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 He is keeping his options open.Period. He is keeping himself free to bail out, walk away without a word as he hasn't made any commitment to you. If you want commitment, he is not the guy. 2
Author Rosie3636 Posted August 26, 2017 Author Posted August 26, 2017 For those of you who say you are confused....trust me I am too! The big reason is he went through a really bad break up and still has feelings for the girl (5 years later??). The things that I feel are missing are things like being introduced to family, going away together, ect. Like we got stuck in the version of dating you do for the first 3 months and never moved forward! My gut believes him that he's not seeing anyone else...but emotionally he's scared.
mikeylo Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 For those of you who say you are confused....trust me I am too! The big reason is he went through a really bad break up and still has feelings for the girl (5 years later??). The things that I feel are missing are things like being introduced to family, going away together, ect. Like we got stuck in the version of dating you do for the first 3 months and never moved forward! My gut believes him that he's not seeing anyone else...but emotionally he's scared. Why are you dating him ?
Author Rosie3636 Posted August 26, 2017 Author Posted August 26, 2017 When he told me this my immediate reaction is I am done. I am no ones 2nd place. We have seen each other a few times since that conversation but nothing physical....but as I said being just friends is reaaalllyyyyyy uncomfortable and akward because we flirt, get touchy-feely ect. He has been doing 100% of the chasing....but I don't know how to move past a statement like that.
Lorenza Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 When he told me this my immediate reaction is I am done. I am no ones 2nd place. We have seen each other a few times since that conversation but nothing physical....but as I said being just friends is reaaalllyyyyyy uncomfortable and akward because we flirt, get touchy-feely ect. He has been doing 100% of the chasing....but I don't know how to move past a statement like that. Block him. Of course he doesn't want to lose his free sex and cuddles. He is probably in a very comfortable position. But you aren't, so please preserve your heart by deleting him from your life. 1
Miss Spider Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 He's just not that into you... not enough to give up being a single man. He likes you, but no *the feels* . You guys have been FwB for a year. Oh, sure, he'll kick and scream just enough to keep you around for now, but if he still won't call you his gf after a year, it's not gonna happen. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 I'm not usually tied to labels but after this much time and closeness, a label is fair. Ok, not sure exactly what to tell you to do. My general feeling is that if he keeps getting what he wants (your companionship, a faux gf, etc) without a label what incentive and motivation is there to make it official. I would stay away for a while. It doesn't need to be ugly or mean--that will remind him when he is miserable without you of how you are. Stay firm though.
spiderowl Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 He won't commit to you because he is stuck on someone else, his ex. This is a really difficult position to be in because he can't move forward while he feels like that and you run the risk of him opting out if he has a chance of meeting her again. I can't see how staying with him is going to end well if he is unable to commit. He is effectively saying you are not quite what he needs.
preraph Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 He's still hoping to get that girl back. OR he has given up but knows he doesn't have the feelings for you he had with that girl. Or he is seeing other women and isn't ready to be monogamous. But I think he is still waiting for that girl and not as invested in you.
LoverOfDance Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 OP, I think the problem here for you and him is timing. You've met him in a time of his life when he's not ready for you. I think that you already know what you need to do but you're just not ready to do it because of your feelings for him. You have to take yourself out of this situation. Maybe one day you'll meet this man again and he'll be in a place in his life where he's ready to give you everything you desire and more. Right now is just not the time for both of you. And maybe that time will never come. I wouldn't advise you to wait for him. Just continue with your life and keep your heart open and ready to receive that thing you really want. I wish you the best and I hope you make the best decision for you. 2
ly399 Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 I was in your place a year and half ago. It was painful, we became bf/gf in the end. And then he blamed every relationship problem on me, saying it's because i pushed him to commit prematurely and refuse to take responsibility to work on it. So in the end, I walked, wasted time and energy. I feel much happier. I hope you don't repeat this process.
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