sadfriend Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 Anyone that has attempted or tried to get someone that is already "taken", why do you want that person that is "taken"? (whether they are in a serious bf/gf relationship, engaged, or married) I'm just trying to undestand why someone would go running after someone that is "taken". Can you tell me a little bit about your story and/or why you would want a "taken" person? Do you have any regrets? Have any of you been turned down by a "taken" person (cause they are faithful to their partner)? Say you went up to them and you asked them for their number or on a date. When they told you "NO" then did you just politely back off? Why do some people that want a "taken" person not back off when they are told "NO" by that "taken" person? How did you know or met the "taken" person? Was it a friend, co-worker, stranger?
BoatingBabe Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 More often than not, it's the "taken" person that relentessly pursues the single one. Some singles can outrun them, some fall to their charm, get attached..and before you know it an affair (be it physical or emotional) has begun.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 I will add too, that with great desire to be with someone comes the ability to overlook the fact that they are 'taken'. The fact that someone is 'taken' is pretty much beside the point by the time the affair starts. They don't do it because the person is 'taken' - they do it because they want to be with that particular person, and whether or not he/she is taken is beside the point. Now, that's not to say that there aren't actual sexual predators out there who singlemindedly and specifically look for attached people in order to exact chaos and play out some own twisted part of their psyche with other people's lives, but for the most part - people fall in love with 'taken' people, and 'taken' people fall in love the same way that single people do. There are added dimensions, though. It is a love tainted with thrill, deceit and guilt - however faint, there is that underlying acceptance that it is wrong, but its hard to hear over the roar of that sexual rush. Desire, attraction and having it returned are rearranged higher up on the priority ladder than doing what is 'right'. To people in affairs, the 'right' thing is what they happen to be feeling at that particular time, not what it is they 'should' be doing. What feels 'good' to them overrules the actions that keep their W/H feeling 'good'. It isn't meant to sound ugly - but it is selfishness in a true sense. Wanting what makes the 'self' feel good, even if it is at the expense of others. When it involves sex, love, intimacy - particularly if it is the type missing or faded in a long-term relationship - then it becomes like a drug. Powerful, irresistible - strong enough to shift the priority ladder in such a way that the 'self' comes first. BB is correct - sometimes the MM/MW will pursue twice as hard as the SM or SW. They are not only running toward a new target, but they are in some ways escaping from the relationship they are currently in. Escape in any form adds fire and urgency to process. As for me personally: 1. Do you have any regrets? 2. Have any of you been turned down by a "taken" person (cause they are faithful to their partner)? Say you went up to them and you asked them for their number or on a date. When they told you "NO" then did you just politely back off? 3. Why do some people that want a "taken" person not back off when they are told "NO" by that "taken" person? 4. How did you know or met the "taken" person? Was it a friend, co-worker, stranger? 1. Not really. Some residual ones years later in one particular situation, but only in that I wish I had handled it differently. 2. No. Generally speaking, if a taken person isn't interested they will mention the W or H a lot or their body language is enough to send a clear signal. I don't approach if there aren't signals to. 3. Because they are fixated on what they think can come of the affair - they are pursuing their fantasies, not anything that can be said to be reality. Anyone who won't back down is reaching for something they think they see in the other person that they need. Definitely the type to stay away from. 4. All of the above, and more! You meet them anywhere you go, really. Work is probably the biggest culprit since its a day-to-day thing.
newbby Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 i'll add to what both bb and lb have said. they have both said that more often than not it is the taken person that pursues the single person. in my case i was certain that i wouldnt go there, because he was married. i had not experienced being chased by a married person before. before i found this site i did not realise that mm who seek affairs were all very persistent, whether they had intent to leave their marriage or not. the first time things happened with us,i was very drunk and i thoroughly regretted it. i spent the next few weeks feeling intense guilt. i hoped that it all could be forgotten and i never dreamt that i would continue with it. by the time i saw him again however the guilt had been taken over by the fantasy of what could be. i still didnt think i would carry on with it, but i had a desire to know what his feelings were. i was worried that i may have just been used by him and very upset that i now had to deal with both that and the guilt, just for his gratification. i got very depressed. when he came round again, he was very charming and said all the things you dream of, when have feelings for somebody that you fear are not reciprocated. this was the stage i had reached by then. he made me laugh alot. he was very funny and charming and he made me feel special. he did leave his wife very very briefly, but i think the reality set in for him then of how he would be viewed, what he would lose etc. he then began to lie to me and a part of me knew this. at that point my own insecurities took over my guilt about the situation. i ended things many times and each time we had spent together i resolved never again. my confidence began to crash dramatically as i now felt that i was his least priority. it is strange but seems there is always something taking over the concern about his wifes feelings. the main thing that takes over is that you dont feel that she is the one who will be hurt the most because somewhere by that point you are certain that it will be you. whilst i am sure it would be terribly painful for her, he would still always love her the most and you are the one who will end up rejected, feeling used and vindicated for your part in the affair. i think alot of the duration of the affair is denial and not wanting to accept the imminent rejection. it is a very confusing relationship and highly addictive. had i not experienced it i would never have understood the conflicting emotions or the hold that the mm has over the ow. i didnt previously judge ow, but i certainly never thought i would be one. i completely regret it, it is hard to extricate oneself from. i would hate it ever to be discovered, i would hate for her to be hurt by it, i would hate for myself to be vindicated for it. i would hate for him to resent me for it. i am thankful i am out of it now, but i still dont feel that i am fully out of the woods either. i do not understand the feelings of the mm, i do not think it is a conscious decision to have an affair. i think many times it coincides with a midlife crisis. i think the affair usually strengthens the marriage and that during the affair the married person feels more content to be married, well of course they do, they are getting the best of both worlds. i think in the beginning their feelings are so strong they really believe and plan to leave their current spouses, but a combination of guilt and fear keep them there. it is at this point that it becomes an affair and not simply a change of partner. it is also at this point that the op becomes addicted. it seemed that somebody was ready to leave their current relationship and be with them, it then becomes a waiting game, and ultimately a painful realisation. the committed person seems to then fall more in love with their partner, perhaps the relationship with the op brings a much needed change in dynamics between the married couple. i hope i have explained the situation well enough to give you some insight. it is very confusing and very difficult to describe.
StillHurtin Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by sadfriend Anyone that has attempted or tried to get someone that is already "taken", why do you want that person that is "taken"? (whether they are in a serious bf/gf relationship, engaged, or married) I'm just trying to undestand why someone would go running after someone that is "taken". Can you tell me a little bit about your story and/or why you would want a "taken" person? My first love was "taken" but I did not realize that until I fell, hard. I found out from a mutual friend of ours a few years later that he had a GF that he met at college. She was still living in her hometown and he was living in our hometown. I didn't end the relationship when I found out he was "taken." I was wrong, and I know that know. I was only 17 and I have to admit I was selfish for keeping a relationship w/ someone that was already involved w/ someone. But, as soon as I found out she moved in w/ him, I ended it. Do you have any regrets? Yea, in a way I do have regrets for being involved w/ him when he was w/ her. I regret falling so hard for someone who didn't want to put me into his life more. If I would of known the pain I could of put her through, I wouldn't of been involved w/ him. According to him, he told her about me. Whether that is true or not, I don't really know. But I figured if she did know about me, and didn't break up w/ him then she must of not really cared he was screwing someone else. And I know for a fact, I wasn't the only one he was screwing around w/. Have any of you been turned down by a "taken" person (cause they are faithful to their partner)? Say you went up to them and you asked them for their number or on a date. When they told you "NO" then did you just politely back off? I have never been turned down by a taken person. I never persued a taken person after the first one. There was taken guys that would persue me all the time. Why do some people that want a "taken" person not back off when they are told "NO" by that "taken" person? B/c it's a challenge, that is just what I think. My H was persued by a female co-worker for many years. He ended up having an A w/ this OW during our seperation. How did you know or met the "taken" person? Was it a friend, co-worker, stranger? I knew the "taken" person from my dad, lol. The "taken" person took his car into my dad's auto repair shop and had some work done. I met him one day walking out and I asked my dad who it was.
Dueces Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia I Desire, attraction and having it returned are rearranged higher up on the priority ladder than doing what is 'right'. To people in affairs, the 'right' thing is what they happen to be feeling at that particular time, not what it is they 'should' be doing. What feels 'good' to them overrules the actions that keep their W/H feeling 'good'. It isn't meant to sound ugly - but it is selfishness in a true sense. Wanting what makes the 'self' feel good, even if it is at the expense of others. When it involves sex, love, intimacy - particularly if it is the type missing or faded in a long-term relationship - then it becomes like a drug. Powerful, irresistible - strong enough to shift the priority ladder in such a way that the 'self' comes first. BB is correct - sometimes the MM/MW will pursue twice as hard as the SM or SW. They are not only running toward a new target, but they are in some ways escaping from the relationship they are currently in. Escape in any form adds fire and urgency to process. LB..all of the above is correct. But when you are in love with that person, it is even more intense. You come to a point where you are blinded by what you are feeling and will throw away your life. I was the MW, fortunately, he did not let me throw my life away. He walked out of my life again as he did many years ago. He has had NC with me for 3 weeks now and he is doing the best thing he can do for me. I am heart broken and miss him terrible, but am now putting my energy back into my marriage and family and with the NC, it allows me to focus. Ours was an affair that started many years ago at work and lasted on/off a year. He eventually left town because I would not leave my husband and we lost contact for 2 decades. He popped into my life again and we had an EA with some physical contact for 5 months. Again, he asked me to leave my husband and I told him I cannot because of my child. So he will probably never contact me again. At least I have the past 5 mos of fond memories of him that I will always cherish. He is my greatest love and passion.
Recommended Posts