jonasmiller Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 Hi everyone. I'm writing here because I've been through a breakup that's been very hard on me, and the people around me really don't know what to say to me, so I thought I'd post here to see what people who are going through the same thing have to say. So, the story: Four months ago I had open heart surgery to repair an aneurysm. It was a difficult recovery, even though I'm relatively young (36). A few weeks after the surgery I got a message from a guy I'd talked to online a few times (I'm a guy and date mostly other guys). He said he wanted to meet me but that his car was in the shop. The doctors had cleared me to drive so I said I'd come pick him up and bring him to my house. We hit it off right away. I wasn't completely healed, but he was nice and slow and got me moving around again. The fact that he was larger than me was also very reassuring, since I was in a lot of pain and weaker than usual, and he was very understanding about it. He runs an online comic book shop, and I offered to drive him around while his car was being worked on, since I work from home and can set my own hours. He was also very supportive of showing me how to open an online store for myself, since I need extra money and I had a bunch of stuff around the house. I drove him places while he showed me how to find inventory for our stores. Then we went camping one weekend and everything became so permanent so fast. After camping he practically moved in -- he was staying at my house and had a bunch of his stuff over here. He even brought some of his inventory over here to categorize and sort. He was here 5-6 nights a week. We spent the next three months cooking for each other and taking care of each other. We were in constant communication with each other. We took many trips together to get inventories for our stores. He proposed moving all his stuff into my house, and even merging our stores. It was amazing. There were problems that frustrated me and which I overlooked because of how much I liked him, like how he contradicted himself all the time about the absolute right course of action when it came to running the store. But I was recovering and the fact that he was there was enough. Well, two weeks ago he took me on a trip to buy some comic collections like he'd done before. He seemed annoyed, and was much less willing to share in the comic collections he'd found than before -- he even cut me out of the first one we went to see entirely. He started grumbling to himself about how he usually gets finders fees for finding comics for other people, so I told him that I didn't need to go in half with him if he wanted the comics all for himself. We drove home in silence, and he almost left that night because he said I was mad at him and he didn't know why. I was frustrated, and asked if we could talk in the morning, but he had to leave early. When he left, he told me, "Have fun, make art," because I was drawing a picture. Now, this might seem petty, but when he first came to my house, he asked me to not tell him what to do. He said it more than once, and I'd met people who've asked that of me before, so I modified how I talked to him and said things like "I hope you have a good day" instead of "have a good day". But I guess because I was frustrated, I messaged him when he left to extend me the same favor, to not tell me what to do. It seems so petty and stupid, but he broke up with me for it that night. He told me he'd never tell me to not tell him what to do, when I remember very well that he did more than once. And not only that, he cut off all communication with me after telling me that I need bipolar meds, which he told me he stopped taking a few weeks after he started seeing me because I made him happy enough to not have to take it. Now, I realize it's not entirely my fault because he did refuse to talk about things -- he simply refused to talk with me, got his stuff and left. Maybe he needs to be back on his meds -- I don't know. But I feel like I could've done something to make him stay. He emailed me once last week and I got very excited because I miss him so much, but he told me it was a mistake. I got angry because it seemed cruel to get my hopes up and sent him a ton of messages, and he told me I was bugging him. I stopped, but a few days later I unfriended him on facebook and blocked him to keep myself from getting any more false hope. Then he blocked me the next day, which was terrible because it meant that he was checking on me, but wasn't talking to me. It was heartache all over again. Keep in mind we were in literally constant communication for a few months, so his absence has hurt me a lot. He got me through my recovery when no one I actually knew came to help me, but he also came to me at a very vulnerable time, got me to fill my house with tons of used merchandise to sell and then literally disappeared off the face of the planet and won't answer my messages. My friends don't seem to know what to say to me, so I thought I'd post here. It's been two weeks, but this guy was my rock after surgery. He was bigger than me, made me feel protected, promised me a partnership like I'd never had before yet I'd always dreamed of, then got me to find a ton of second-hand goods and to sell them slowly online. Then he dumped me like I meant absolutely nothing to him. But I loved him so much so fast, and now he's completely gone, complete radio silence. I loved him so much. I'm so depressed about it. I cry sometimes -- I cry a lot sometimes. I didn't cry before him. I want him back more than anything I've ever wanted in my life, despite his flaws. I know he wasn't perfect, but I loved him so much. How do I cope? How do I get past this? I need your help, honestly. Thank you.
Captivating Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 Hi Jonas, I am very sorry for you hurting so much! Your ex might have had a personality disorder, he might be a narcissist. Master manipulators, users with an array of mind-**** games I am not absolutely sure of this but he shows definite signs. For example, when you said you remember him telling you not to tell him what to do, yet he denies this making you feel confused, doubting yourself etc. This is called gas-lighting. "Love-bombing" in the beginning of the relationship, builds your ego up, possibly controls you with awesome sex (?) then starting using you for his purposes (moves in, start using your resources , car, money, sex etc) ..... narcissists cannot take criticism well, yet love to criticize others themselves. When someone is not useful anymore, then comes the "discard" stage. Narcissists are unable to love others, they look at the other person as the extension of themselves. There are lots of videos on this topic on Youtube, please look into this. A breakup with a narcissist is even more devastating because of the high intensity in the beginning and at the ending. At first he makes you feel like a king then he drops like you meant nothing, this is part of the narcissistic abuse, they feed off of others' admiration and also their misery. I know it's very hard to cope with this, please watch this video from this guy, he also has many others on narcissism as well... Do not contact him, do not answer etc. NO CONTACT ! Please try to sleep a lot and try to eat very well, focus on yourself as much as you can ! HUGS !!!!
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