SGHB Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 I've posted a few times recently and really appreciate the advice - helpful and getting me in a stable emotional space. Rather than posting bits and pieces I am going to be more details from the beginning and hope that some folks are not bored and can offer an honest assessment. I am a 38 year old man and my ex girlfriend is 25. We met about 2 years ago through an online dating website that was a little more focused on sexual encounters. I was ending a 7 year relationship with a woman at the time - we both were seeing other people but never discussed it and basically were platonic the last 6 months. So there was some overlap in knowing my current girlfriend and my previous girlfriend as well. I note this because the current girlfriend seems to hang on to this fact in terms of overall trust, or lack thereof. We had a rocky beginning where she was not very faithful and I also was talking to other women. I guess you could say the first 6+ months were kind of open. We then became closer and decided to date exclusively. At the time she decided to take a job away from me - about a 6 hour drive. So it developed into a long term relationship. It was great at first because I work remote and would visit her a week or two out of the month. Eventually though she decided the rent was too much and wanted to move in with a roommate. I offered to help pay part of her rent since I was visiting often but she seemed to not want to go that route. Looking back that was something that bothered me. We continued to date through her current living situation with the roommate however we see each other a lot less. I have noticed a big change in her over the last few months where she has taken my constructive feedback and also made more of an effort to plan trips and visit me.By constructive feedback I mean I would let her know when I didn't feel like a priority to her. For example we would have plans one weekend and she would "remember" she had a friend coming to town and wanted me to still come but not hangout 1x1. This episode really upset me. I started texting a woman I met on a dating website. I created the profile out of curiosity and seeking attention. I felt bad about it but was also kind of upset at how selfish my girlfriend had been lately and the icing on the cake being her canning our plans for a friend that was more like an acquaintance. I never met this woman in person and we only text back and forth for about two weeks. Some of the texts were flirty and sexual in nature. Again, I had absolutely no intention to meet this woman - period. I eventually stopped texting her and forgot all about the episode - deleted the app and moved on. About a month later this woman added me on social media using an alias and saw older pictures of me with my girlfriend. She of course text me immediately and said she was going to contact my girlfriend. There was nothing I could do. A few days later she did in fact message her and shared every single text message with my girlfriend. See it wasn't enough to tell her we were texting, she wanted my girlfriend to read every detail. I denied it because I was caught of guard and frankly didn't know what to say. My girlfriend hung up on me and refused to talk after that on the phone. We text back and forth throughout the day and I eventually gave in and told her the truth. I wanted to confess in person or over the phone but was never given that opportunity. Since the break up we have been texting back and forth. I have done everything to apologize and ask for forgiveness. I've sent flowers, expensive gifts and countless emails explaining how I feel. Some days I receive mean and angry texts and others I get signs of hope. She maintains that she is really hurting. She recently said she is in love with me and misses me. She also stated today through text "I love you". We had a pretty nice convo back and forth today and I decided again to try and call her but she did not answer. We've been texting the last three nights but still no telephone conversations. She did call me to tell me she loved me and goodnight last night however. I really want her back and to fix the relationship. I also feel I've been chasing after her from day 1. I've made my intentions clear that I am 38 and want to get married. I told her eventually I want to marry her and she said she felt the same -- just not right away. I am at a total loss for words and what I should do next. I've tried going no contact but when I don't reach out to her she accuses me of "talking to another woman" or "must be on a date". I really have no idea what to do. My gut is telling me to send an email asking her to give me a conversation or tell me what she wants from all of this now. I just want to know if she wants to eventually fix things or see other people. I am at a point in my life where I refuse to see other people with her and would walk away. Thoughts? Thanks
Frostedflake Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 (edited) She's going to leave you, man. You're literally getting a front row seat to her coping through the breakup and once she gets her footing she's going to ghost you. I say this because you are seeing her anger and hope at various times on various days. Which means, justifying the breakup is an active thought in her mind and the more reasons she can think of the better she's going to feel about it. You don't really have a hand to play to change her mind. You've already played the double girl game in the beginning of the relationship. Strike one. Then you created a profile and got trapped. Strike two. Then you lied against hard evidence. Strike three. She's just keeping you there to make the weaning easy. I usually would offer some hope but I truly think you're screwed. :/ Take the lesson.. Edited August 26, 2017 by Frostedflake
Author SGHB Posted August 26, 2017 Author Posted August 26, 2017 She's going to leave you, man. You're literally getting a front row seat to her coping through the breakup and once she gets her footing she's going to ghost you. I think you're totally spot on. We've been texting tonight again. She asked, "what are you up to?" Which I tried to see as a positive but I asked a follow up to her question. I asked, "what do you miss the most about me?" Her answer was a best friend, someone to go to when stressed or upset". Not sure what I wanted from the question but pretty sure that wasn't it. No contact?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 Agreed with the poster above. You've messed up too many times for this to work anymore. And if I may be blunt - 38? You're far too old for this type of behaviour, man. Her back-and-forth is very typical of someone who has been betrayed. She is conflicted, and having a hard time absorbing the pain and the revelations about you. Remember, she thought she could trust you. Now she knows she can't. That's difficult to come to terms with. As such, I don't feel she is doing this intentionally; this is part of her processing the pain that comes with cheating (emotional cheating included) She is likely going to be gone for good, eventually. She probably doesn't realize it herself just yet, but when there's that much distrust, and she's only 25, she has plenty of opportunity to start fresh elsewhere. My guess is she will come to that realization over the next few months. Hopefully you will take this is a lesson learned and not repeat the same mistakes in the future.
Author SGHB Posted August 26, 2017 Author Posted August 26, 2017 I've been with my girlfriend for about two years. Significant age gap -- she is 25 and I'm 38. The bulk of the relationship has benn long distance but we manage to travel to each other often. Long story short I messed up - big time. Lately I hadn't been getting what I wanted from her and I went on a dating app out of curiosity. I ne we met anyone and only text messages one woman. We text back and forth for about two weeks. I ghosted her about 6 weeks ago and never thought anymore about it. Two weeks ago she reappeared by "hacking" my social media profile. She saw pictures of my girlfriend and I and messages her directly. She shared every text via screenshot - some flirty and sexual. My girlfriend broke up with me immediately. I denied it for about a week hoping she would see me or speak to me and allow me to attempt to explain. That never happened though - she has text me back and forth the last two weeks but will not speak to me or see me. The last few days our texts have been better - she seems less angry. She started asking about my life again and what I'm up to. She states that she is still in love with me but won't commit to anything about fixing the relationship. I asked her what's the one thing she misses most about me. Her answer was "Just having a best friend in general. Not having anyone to go to when I'm stressed or sad. Or happy (that hasn't happened yet)". I don't know how to interpret that statement. I do not want to lose this woman and truly sorry for my behavior. At the same time I don't want to be her friend only. I don't want to be her security blanket as she gets over me. I was holding on to hope that her texts and stuff were indicators that she wanted to fix the relationship but now not so sure. Any advice on what to do? I feel like this is starting to really cause me a health issue and even respect amongst friends and family.
springy Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 She can't trust you and this was a ldr, which would make reconciliation all the more difficult. It's only been two weeks. Either give her more time to process the situation and see if she is willing to talk to you in a couple of weeks or just let her go, but you can't rush her process. You are not ready to get married if the way you handle conflict is to get on dating sites. It stinks that you are having a hard time with all of this. I imagine she is too.
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