sala93 Posted August 25, 2017 Posted August 25, 2017 (edited) Hello, I know for a start my relationship with this guy was not too healthy, I've had some counsellors tell me they think there were traits of emotional abuse from him and he may have been a narcissist. But I need some help in identifying this if it's so. I am going through a lot of self-stigma (maybe a result of the relationship or just low confidence) thinking back to it, and need help so I can heal and see things clearly. I do not plan on talking to him again so I don't get hurt again. We had a cycle of talking, argument then block, talking again, repeat. Here are some things that happened most recently, and my initial response: - He said I made him feel that he didn't have a partner sometimes and that I wasn't a supportive partner, because I didn't ever call him first or ask how he was enough. He said I didn't care about him. I said he also made me feel he was bad at times, and that I didn't call/ initiate things first not because I didn't love him or care but because I wasn't used to calling first, I was shy and had the expectation of the guy to do it first - As a result of me saying I also felt unhappy with him and hurt from him, he said speaking will not change anything with me. We stopped talking for a few days. - When we talked again, I said I don't feel comfortable with him saying "I love you" and calling me baby, because I was a bit distrusting of him and hurt after our last problem. - He wasn't happy with that and didn't talk for a day. (One counsellor says this was a technique of withdrawing affection...). - When we talked again he said why don't I feel comfortable with him using those words yet in the past I was comfortable having sex with my first ex after breaking up with him? Like comparing how I treat him to the first. He says I'm bad with him. He says he said those words of I love you etc only because he meant them and missed me. He says while he missed me incredibly I seemed to be fine and comfortable (this is a common thing he'd do). (I said I have changed since my past and wouldn't accept the same things I did back then, and that I felt hurt and disrespected that's why I didn't feel trusting of him). Although my initial responses seem firm and defensive I have been self stigamtising since and wondering if I was bad in any areas. Edited August 25, 2017 by sala93
coolheadal Posted August 25, 2017 Posted August 25, 2017 He's needs to say the words you don't want to hear it or say it back to him. See you just can't tolerate this anymore so you best solution is to leave and be done with him. He needs a woman that can except his words and the love he wants in return. You can't fulfill his needs or whats an etc. You want a man that doesn't have to show it but you know he appreciates you enough without showing and saying it. Your prior ex has nothing to do with this, you are done with that man, but you seem to keep falling back into the same sort of men. Sometimes you just won't be able to get out of that loop, because that's how life is. You have ended this guy so now you have to gather up your thoughts and figure out what you can do or look around for a guy that doesn't upset you like the prior two did with their words of love being spoken out loud instead of being silent.
Zahara Posted August 25, 2017 Posted August 25, 2017 I know that he is quite emotionally unstable and can be horrible when upset and angry. These were your words about him in your last thread. Yes, he's unhealthy and I am sure when we chose unhealthy partners and decide to stay with them, there's some part of us that is also bringing "unhealthy" to the table. It's good that you are seeking help. Your therapist should be focused on you rather than diagnosing your ex. Try to stay focused on your own journey. 1
coolheadal Posted August 25, 2017 Posted August 25, 2017 These were your words about him in your last thread. Yes, he's unhealthy and I am sure when we chose unhealthy partners and decide to stay with them, there's some part of us that is also bringing "unhealthy" to the table. It's good that you are seeking help. Your therapist should be focused on you rather than diagnosing your ex. Try to stay focused on your own journey. I might add that the therapist can only suggest not fix her life. She has to do it on her own. He can teach and show her things. The ex men wanted her love to show it, say it, feel it and etc. When they didn't get it from her they got upset with her and arguments are repeated to a point where no one wants to utter the last word..
kendahke Posted August 25, 2017 Posted August 25, 2017 Why in the world did you give him a second chance when he had done nothing to fix his issues on his own first? Since you understand how the block feature works on your phone, it might be a good idea to permanently put him on block. 2
Author sala93 Posted August 26, 2017 Author Posted August 26, 2017 He's needs to say the words you don't want to hear it or say it back to him. See you just can't tolerate this anymore so you best solution is to leave and be done with him. He needs a woman that can except his words and the love he wants in return. You can't fulfill his needs or whats an etc. You want a man that doesn't have to show it but you know he appreciates you enough without showing and saying it. Your prior ex has nothing to do with this, you are done with that man, but you seem to keep falling back into the same sort of men. Sometimes you just won't be able to get out of that loop, because that's how life is. You have ended this guy so now you have to gather up your thoughts and figure out what you can do or look around for a guy that doesn't upset you like the prior two did with their words of love being spoken out loud instead of being silent. So are you saying I didn't provide him with the love he wanted? I don't quite understand what you're saying. My logic was that he was disrespecting me hence I felt uncomfortable with continuing with saying I love you's and pet names.
shellybing Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 Hello, I know for a start my relationship with this guy was not too healthy, I've had some counsellors tell me they think there were traits of emotional abuse from him and he may have been a narcissist. But I need some help in identifying this if it's so. I am going through a lot of self-stigma (maybe a result of the relationship or just low confidence) thinking back to it, and need help so I can heal and see things clearly. I do not plan on talking to him again so I don't get hurt again. We had a cycle of talking, argument then block, talking again, repeat. This cycle is him blatantly disregarding your opinions and feelings. Here are some things that happened most recently, and my initial response: - He said I made him feel that he didn't have a partner sometimes and that I wasn't a supportive partner, because I didn't ever call him first or ask how he was enough. He said I didn't care about him. I said he also made me feel he was bad at times, and that I didn't call/ initiate things first not because I didn't love him or care but because I wasn't used to calling first, I was shy and had the expectation of the guy to do it first If this is the expectation, and he disagreed with it - his response should have been "Oh okay, I will execute contact." or "I would like it if you would initiate contact because it makes me feel good." In this specific scenario, it looks like there was never an agreement, and the "You don't do's" and the "problems" were never solved. - As a result of me saying I also felt unhappy with him and hurt from him, he said speaking will not change anything with me. We stopped talking for a few days. Why did you guys not talk? Stonewalling and silent treatment are classic narc tactics. - When we talked again, I said I don't feel comfortable with him saying "I love you" and calling me baby, because I was a bit distrusting of him and hurt after our last problem. - He wasn't happy with that and didn't talk for a day. (One counsellor says this was a technique of withdrawing affection...). I would like to add here that you as well withdrew affection when you said that you did not feel comfortable with "I love you's" If you do not feel comfortable in a relationship it should end. - When we talked again he said why don't I feel comfortable with him using those words yet in the past I was comfortable having sex with my first ex after breaking up with him? Like comparing how I treat him to the first. He says I'm bad with him. He says he said those words of I love you etc only because he meant them and missed me. He says while he missed me incredibly I seemed to be fine and comfortable (this is a common thing he'd do). (I said I have changed since my past and wouldn't accept the same things I did back then, and that I felt hurt and disrespected that's why I didn't feel trusting of him). Although my initial responses seem firm and defensive I have been self stigamtising since and wondering if I was bad in any areas. On the other hand, I want to say that your relationship is basically over with and it should end, but nobody is really acknowledging that. If you disagree about things that are important to one or the other, and are not willing to budge, then you are not a good fit for eachother. Also, there are some narcissistic qualities there. 1
BaileyB Posted August 26, 2017 Posted August 26, 2017 Yeah, he really was that bad. I've read this post, and your other post. He is dismissive of your feelings, he insulted you, and he gives you the silent treatment/blames you for the problems in the relationship including the fact that you are not talking/gives you the silent treatment again... Men with any kind of maturity don't play these kinds of games... And these kind of games have no place in a healthy relationship. Best to move on and ignore him. It's good that you are getting some counselling. I hope that it helps you to find a healthy and loving relationship. 2
Author sala93 Posted August 27, 2017 Author Posted August 27, 2017 On the other hand, I want to say that your relationship is basically over with and it should end, but nobody is really acknowledging that. If you disagree about things that are important to one or the other, and are not willing to budge, then you are not a good fit for eachother. Also, there are some narcissistic qualities there. Hello, thanks for replying to different sections in my original post. Just to clarify, when I said I didn't feel comfortable with him saying I love you etc, we weren't actually in a relationship. He had come back and started being affectionate again, this is why i was upset (because I felt the problems from before weren't resolved and that he thinks he can have me back easily).
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