Therapy

[FML_101]

Like many of you I just had my heart crushed and I'm struggling to pull myself together. I am a 26 y/o male. I can't eat, food has almost no taste, the only way I can sleep is by getting hammered, I'm chain smoking, I can't concentrate on anything at work, and I feel an immense pain in my chest.

 

We dated for four years. At about the two year mark she told me she wanted a break. I did not take it well at all. At this point we were talking about marriage and our future. I was completely blindsided. I freaked out, but tried to give her the space she asked for. But I couldn't do it. The stress, anxiety, and heartbreak was eating me alive, and I officially broke it off. I then went no contact and started healing. A month after no contact, she calls me, and in a moment of weakness I picked up the phone. She told me how much she regretted what she did and we got back together. I believe in 2nd chances, but I don't believe in 3rd chances.

 

 

After that episode, life was great. Like any relationship we had a few bumps, but it wasn't anything major. I happily gave everything I could possibly give to that relationship and to her. I loved her unconditionally, I loved her with every fiber of my being. Maybe I was blinded by my love. Recently we talked about what we would name our children and were about to move in with each other.

 

 

A week ago she ended things when I was on vacation, through a phone call. I was crushed, furious, and felt so disrespected over how she handled it. Thankfully, we did meet up in person for some shred of closure and understanding. She said she didn't feel or think about me the way she used to. We both balled our eyes out in her car while we were having this discussion. She told me she still loves me, but that she doesn't deserve me. She said that she wasn't into this relationship the way that I was anymore.

 

 

I am in so much pain, and I feel like I am just staring into the dark. I thought I knew where I would be and who I would be with 40 years from now, but now I'm clueless. All I want to do is call her and tell her how much I love and miss her, but I know all I will get back is more heartache.

 

 

I know that no contact is the way to go and will be the fastest way to heal myself... All I want is for her to be back in my arms. Ironically, the only way I believe that is possible is if I move on and become apathetic towards her, i.e. accept that we will never be together. It's going to take years for me to get over her.

 

 

I am partially writing this as a way to vent in some attempt to heal. But I'd LOVE some input.

 

 

BTW I intentionally tried to keep the details of my relationship brief so I didn't write a full novel in my first post. However, If any of you would like more info, just ask. I'm an open book.

 

 

I'm debating seeing a therapist. Does anybody out there have experience with a therapist (post-breakup) and recommend it?

 

 

My other question is, how the heck do you guys sleep without being liquored up? It's the only way I am able to shut my eyes and not feel the pain of this giant hole in my chest. I know that I am not doing myself any favors, but I don't know of any other way to sleep at this point.

 

 

I love all of the love on these message boards. Thank you all in advanced.

[preraph]

You should go see a psychologist so you can get all your feelings and pain off your chest. You might not have to go long. Also, you must do physical exercise to keep your body from getting overtense. it really does help. It just takes some time. Keep getting up, getting showered and dressed and stay busy because that will help distract you. Watch movies you know make you laugh, go do anything fun and just prove to yourself that life is about more than just her. Good luck.

[trustyourself]

Hey man,

 

I am in the same boat as you. My ex did it by text, but at least picked up the phone when i called her immediately. Definitely immature.

 

I turned to alcohol as a numbing agent and to help me pass out at night. I want to say I have curbed that, but in all honesty, if I have a super bad day, I still get buzzed to ease the pain.

 

If you can avoid it, try and not numb yourself with alcohol. It only delays the healing. Take it from me.

 

i have started going to the gym etc to try and get my life back together. I still hurt, but it feels good to get out and be distracted. It means i am drinking less as well.

 

I have not done the therapy thing, but I am definitely considering it.

 

I will always love my ex. She treated me terribly in the last year, but i still love her. Time will heal the wounds I hope.

 

Keep your chin up, and face the demons. Try not to drink. i am still healing months later, and I can thank the drinking for that. I am sure I would be in a much better place now without it.

 

Go NC and block her on every thing. I know its hard, but its the only way.

[spiderowl]

I feel for you and I know what it is like to have that intense physical reaction to a break-up. Your heart literally does hurt. I also found I could not sleep. I got a few sleeping pills from the doc (they won't give many) just to tide me over the worst time.

 

I do not think drinking and smoking is the solution. Both are addictive. Chain smoking will stop you getting hungry. I know you don't feel like eating anyway but smoking that much will make you ill. What will help is crying, talking to friends, a therapist/counsellor if possible. Talk to anyone who will listen and be understanding. It helps you to work through what happened. The mind tortures you because it does not understand. There are so many loose ends when a relationship falls apart.

 

When it happened to me, I had an intense desire to understand why. Eventually I realised I would never fully understand and that I had to let it go. The anxiety and stress was eating away at me. Once I did let it go, I felt relief - sadness yes, but relief that no answer was an ok place to leave it. The awful feelings were intense for a week or two, then painful for a month or two. After three months, I started to feel less involved and hurt. It took a while.

[SevenCity]

Like many of you I just had my heart crushed and I'm struggling to pull myself together. I am a 26 y/o male. I can't eat, food has almost no taste, the only way I can sleep is by getting hammered, I'm chain smoking, I can't concentrate on anything at work, and I feel an immense pain in my chest.

 

I feel for you brother - that was me sans the drink. I don't drink and figured that would not be the best time to start.

 

I was only getting a few hours a night and would wake up with nightmares. I was a zombie for a few months. I cried my eyes out everyday.

 

My chest pains were so bad I went for a whole heart work up. They found nothing. I realized why they call it a broken heart.

 

We dated for four years. At about the two year mark she told me she wanted a break. I did not take it well at all. At this point we were talking about marriage and our future. I was completely blindsided. I freaked out, but tried to give her the space she asked for. But I couldn't do it. The stress, anxiety, and heartbreak was eating me alive, and I officially broke it off. I then went no contact and started healing. A month after no contact, she calls me, and in a moment of weakness I picked up the phone. She told me how much she regretted what she did and we got back together. I believe in 2nd chances, but I don't believe in 3rd chances.

 

Most guys don't see it coming. Once you get past this you'll realize what the signs were.

 

I tried to work it out with mine but my anxiety got the best of me and I was trying to force the relationship. I just wanted to be back with her and marry her. I believe that is what pushed her away for good.

 

After that episode, life was great. Like any relationship we had a few bumps, but it wasn't anything major. I happily gave everything I could possibly give to that relationship and to her. I loved her unconditionally, I loved her with every fiber of my being. Maybe I was blinded by my love. Recently we talked about what we would name our children and were about to move in with each other.

 

We were talking about having a kid as well during the time I was trying to work it out with her. Amazing how someone can go from that to not wanting to be with you. Happens every day though.

 

A week ago she ended things when I was on vacation, through a phone call. I was crushed, furious, and felt so disrespected over how she handled it. Thankfully, we did meet up in person for some shred of closure and understanding. She said she didn't feel or think about me the way she used to. We both balled our eyes out in her car while we were having this discussion. She told me she still loves me, but that she doesn't deserve me. She said that she wasn't into this relationship the way that I was anymore.

 

Mine was at least through FaceTime . It's really crappy to do remotely but easier I guess.

 

She doesn't still love you. If she did still love you she wouldn't leave you. Mine said the same thing to me and I responded with "You love your cat - would you leave it on the side of the road and drive away?". It's BS, lip service don't believe it for a minute.

 

You have to lose all hope that they are coming back. Took me nearly 9 months to get to that point because mine said "Maybe we'll get back together", "I'll always love you", blah blah blah. It's crap - don't fall for it.

 

Moreover, there is probably another guy. There is always another guy. Not that it matters - only thing that matters is she doesn't want to be with you and nuked your relationship rather than facing any issues. Screw her.

 

I am in so much pain, and I feel like I am just staring into the dark. I thought I knew where I would be and who I would be with 40 years from now, but now I'm clueless. All I want to do is call her and tell her how much I love and miss her, but I know all I will get back is more heartache.

 

This will pass. I'm fast approaching a year post (my RL was 7 years and she lived with me for the last 3). I can honestly say now that I am really getting over it. I'm posting on this forum on a Friday night and I don't care. Tomorrow I have a date, Tuesday I have a date, if they both flake I don't care. I'm in SUCH a better place than I was.

 

You are early days. It will suck for some time but you will get past it. I NEVER thought I would - but I see it in the not to distant future.

 

I know that no contact is the way to go and will be the fastest way to heal myself... All I want is for her to be back in my arms. Ironically, the only way I believe that is possible is if I move on and become apathetic towards her, i.e. accept that we will never be together. It's going to take years for me to get over her.

 

Yep. This is a cruel joke the universe plays on us. IF they come back, it is usually too late.

 

If you read threads here dumpers take a long time to process the loss. They often don't come back at all but when they do it's almost always too late.

 

Good news is you won't care at that point and can send her on her way.

 

 

I am partially writing this as a way to vent in some attempt to heal. But I'd LOVE some input.

 

 

BTW I intentionally tried to keep the details of my relationship brief so I didn't write a full novel in my first post. However, If any of you would like more info, just ask. I'm an open book.

 

I'm debating seeing a therapist. Does anybody out there have experience with a therapist (post-breakup) and recommend it?

 

I do. It has helped. It was not a magic bullet, though it helps to let it all out as your friends and family will get sick of hearing it after some time.

 

A therapist is paid to listen and can provide valuable insight so mistakes you made can be prevented in the future.

 

You may have to shop around and find a good fit but I highly recommend it if your insurance will cover. They can also see your progress - mine said to me I was crying nearly every session in the beginning and now I never do - I didn't even remember as I was out of my mind at the time.

 

My other question is, how the heck do you guys sleep without being liquored up? It's the only way I am able to shut my eyes and not feel the pain of this giant hole in my chest. I know that I am not doing myself any favors, but I don't know of any other way to sleep at this point.

 

I love all of the love on these message boards. Thank you all in advanced.

 

Lack of sleep comes with the territory. I didn't find a way and was only getting a few hours a night. Most of which were filled with nightmares about her.

 

As time passes it will level out. The brain is an amazing thing - even recently I had to remind myself that one of my daily tasks always reminded me of her. I hadn't associated it with her in a while and I remember in the beginning it would be crippling.

 

I won't lie and say I've reached apathy, but I'm 75% - 80% there and you will be too one day.

 

I'll leave you with this - this is a temporary feeling and may be the worst pain of your life. But it is TEMPORARY and you WILL get through it. Many here have gone through the same and came out the other end better people - that is your choice....you can use this as an opportunity to grow or to destroy yourself.

 

Let your emotions out (when appropriate) but try to work towards goals everyday. Even if it is not drinking one day a week for now. Next week make it 2 days, etc.

 

Good luck bro and post often - good people here with similar experiences.

 

Ps: One more thing...I know you are not ready now but you HAVE to get out and see other women ASAP. This will help you tremendously by boosting your ego and realizing there are other women out there.

 

You'll make mistakes and get better and when the next great love of your life comes along you'll be ready. Get on it post haste!

[Stephen44]

Trazodone helped me with sleep. And tons of exercise.

 

You're 26. Plenty of time to meet someone, have a family, etc. Work on your dreams.

[FML_101]

To all of you guys, who replied, thank you so much! It means so much to me. Especially you sevencity. So many things you said really resonated with me, and I am extremely appreciative of you dissecting my post.

 

It's weird how just a few strangers' responses to my confession of heartache can make a person feel better. Seriously, thank you all, it means more than most people know.

 

I have now just passed one week post breakup. I have been hanging out with friends. Thankfully, my ex and I did not move in together, and relatively speaking, it has been a clean break... I am still living with roommates. One of them is one of my best friends, who has had my back through thick and thin. So, at the very least I have somebody who is willing to hear me out and willing to call me out, when I start spouting false b.s. about my old relationship.

 

I finally ended our relationship on FB, unfriended her, changed my profile picture, blocked her, removed all of the pictures of us, and deactivated my account. I have 0 desire to use social media at this point. I feel like she let me be the one to end the FB relationship because she didn't want to hurt me any further. I know that makes me sound like a dumb millennial, but it truly is a hard thing to do. I can't stand the thought of logging into FB, drunkenly searching for her, and seeing some guy with his arm around her as her profile picture. While I was blocking her, I saw her new profile picture and it was of her with her back facing the camera rowing a kayak away. Seems like there might be some meaning there... Regardless, it feels like I made a step in the right direction, and those are the only steps I want to take from now on.

 

I decided I am going to give up drinking for the most part and only engage in drinking when friends invite me out. This will be my first sober night, wish me luck! Like one of you said, I need to face my demons.

 

Luckily I already had plans for the next couple of weeks to hang out with friends and family. I honestly can't wait to be surrounded by some of the people I love the most.

 

I was talking to my grandmother yesterday, she asked me how my ex is doing, and then I had to tell her that we broke up. She apologized and felt bad for me, but then I told her that I am going to bring somebody home that's even better for her to meet. I almost broke down as I said that. But I am beginning to believe it more and more.

 

I have been doing a good job of not texting or calling her to tell her, "that one last thing" (which I know is B.S.). If I'm able to handle this now it has to get easier from here, right? I know I should block her number, but I still don't have the balls to. I think I will relatively soon though.

 

I'm starting to be able to wrap my head around the fact that we will not be together. But my heart is screaming that we will be. I just need to weather this storm and give time for my heart to begin listening to reason.

 

After my first post on this forum I began writing a journal. I want to attempt to understand all of the b.s. rattling around in my head. I'm trying to force myself to think honestly, clearly, and to knock her off the pedestal I currently have her sitting on.

 

Also, with how well I know her, I have a gut feeling that she will contact me and want to get back together in a few months. So today, I preemptively wrote a straightforward letter telling her why that is not possible. I didn't send it, but i have it locked and loaded if the time comes (I hope it doesn't). I don't quite believe what I wrote at this point, but I felt like I got a moment of clarity after finishing it, and actually felt like a normal person for a fleeting moment. I will post it to the board maybe it will help some other people, and maybe they can use my words if they need to say the same thing to their ex's.

 

Preraph, I now know what you meant when you said you need to work out to prevent yourself from becoming overtense. I was literally trembling today and had a difficult time walking up and down stairs. I decided to go on a 2 hour walk (it definitely helped). On my walk back to my house I went to a local gym and activated a gym membership. I will start going tomorrow and get my fat butt moving. I'm thinking in about a month (I hope it is that soon) I may be ready to get back out there and be able to talk to women, without talking about my breakup. I know I will not be able to be in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to have some fun. I'll probably sign up for tinder and bumble in the meantime.

 

I'm honestly amazed, I still feel like complete garbage (obviously), but I already feel like I have been able to make an inkling of progress. I didn't believe that was possible. I want to take every step I possibly can to relieve myself ASAP.

 

Once again, thank you all!