What now?

[johnmcclane386]

I had a wonderful relationship with a single mom for almost 4 months. We're both expatriates, working in the same city. The baby is 1 year old, and I mention it because is quite demanding.

 

After meeting, we hit it off right away. We were into each other, spending around 3 days a week together. When not, we kept contact several times a day. Everything seemed great (later I've reanalyzed the history to check for unseen signals, and I see nothing unusual). We always had great conversations, good time at bed, enjoyed similar things, and I loved the baby.

 

Two factors influenced our last weeks. The baby was asking for far more energy than usual (he would wake up crying 3 times before sunrise), so she was exhausted all the time. The second, I had hard times at work for several weeks and I wasn't myself 100% (it put me down). Still, the average feeling during this month was really good.

 

She went back to her home country for her niece birth. While there, she kept contact as much as she could, and seemed warm and lovely as usual (and more tired than ever, because of the baby jet lag).

 

She returned one day late at night. The next day she calls me "I want to see you but I'm exhausted, I have slept a couple of hours in the last 72 hours." I said "no problem". The day after she says "I am a zombie... the baby is heavily jet lagged, you don't mind if we don't go out?" I replied "I rather let you rest and have a better you tomorrow".

 

The following she says "I didn't find a babysitter, but you can come if you want". I went there and she received me with a big kiss, a hug ... nothing unusual. Her face showed extreme fatigue. We kissed and played with the baby with a couple of hours until he went to bed.

 

While the baby cried to sleep, we had light conversations, and after the baby went silent, she dropped the bomb "I thought about this since I was abroad, I am exhausted, I am not enjoying life... I don't want to do this, but I have to... I need to put priorities: the baby, who is killing me, my work... and now I'm starting to study in 2 weeks, so I can provide more for him. You're an awesome man, have what I want for me, and for my kid. But you came to my life in the wrong moment. You also deserve someone that can be there for you in return. I'm sorry to make you this, but is just that I can't find the energy. When I asked you to be my bf a while ago, I thought I could handle... but the truth is that I can't".

 

We both had tears in our eyes, shared sweet kisses and hugs several times, with a bit of talking in between. Then I left, still in shock.

 

The next day I called her to tell her "while you were away, I also did some thinking. I couldn't say yesterday, but I'm going to say it anyway: I'll be there for BOTH of you". She said something like "you always showed it, but I thought a lot about this, and is something I need to do".

 

I was devastated. I decided not to contact her for a while, until I could put myself together, look for a new job, think about me. One thing I discovered is that because my job issues, I spent the last month getting relief from her (even when I tried not to), and some days I was sad. I don't think this was the reason, but also acknowledge is not an attractive trait. Plus, it drained energy from her.

 

Almost one month passed in silence, and earlier this week I texted her "... and it reminded me of when you gave me that great explanation about it. I hope you're doing great :)" (I was talking about a non breakup related subject we both know).

 

Four days have passed since she read it, and she is still silent. I wanted to reopen the communication channels, and leave them open to see if we can find a solution in the future.

 

She is a great woman. What do I do now? What does it mean? Is there any future? (I have my own answers to these questions, but I want to hear opinions).

[preraph]

There is such a thing as having a life with no time to date. I know because I'm in one, and I don't even have a kid!

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. She made the decision she felt she had to in order to meet her priorities, which are just survival at this point. You were generous to offer to be there for both of them, but it's just not that easy to fit someone into your life when you have kids.

 

Maybe her life will simplify when the kids are all gone off to college. Good luck.

[johnmcclane386]

Maybe her life will simplify when the kids are all gone off to college.

: that will be 15+ years from now

 

You were generous to offer to be there for both of them, but it's just not that easy to fit someone into your life when you have kids.

 

I have friends that think that no woman, under any circumstances let go the "perfect" man. They go beyond and say that actually, is a bless, as the guy can help you. But the truth is that I wasn't... we didn't live together, so I wasn't really helping. I believe to call it help, you have to be there 100% of the time, am I wrong?

 

Actually, if something, I was sucking energy out of her for the last weeks, as I was dealing with a lot of trouble, and I was dramatic. Besides unattractive, she might have felt dragged.

 

I'm going on my way up. I discovered things I want to do to improve my life.

 

Based on the fact that we didn't break in bad terms, nor for bad reasons, I just wonder a few things:

 

• What does it mean she is ignoring me?
  
• Is there any way to approach her?
  
• Did I do wrong by not contacting her earlier?
  
• Was it the last page of the book, or is just the end of a chapter in it?
  
• Can I expect her to contact me eventually?
  
• Should I never contact her again? (aka. Christmas and birthday)
  

Edited August 26, 2017 by johnmcclane386
typo

[springy]

I think you are not very understanding of her situation. A person can truly have so much going on in their personal lives that they have little else left to give. Her silence = please respect my decision. She knows that communicating with you will give you the wrong idea...or she’s just plain old too tired and can’t be bothered. Being in a good relationship requires one to be present in mind, body and soul. She can’t give that to you and it’s good that she recognizes that. Regardless of what your friends think they really have no say in how she feels and you should not analyze the situation based off them saying “no woman would do such and so...

 

It seems like she was honest about how she felt and was straight up about it so take it at face value. She may pop up again someday but for the time being baby, earning a living and self care are her top priority. I have been there so I get it.

 

I would not reach out anymore to someone who didn’t respond to my last attempt. Not for a birthday, holiday, or anything else - especially since it was such a short relationship. Sorry. You will eventually meet someone who has the time, energy and desire to be in a relationship.

[johnmcclane386]

Regardless of what your friends think they really have no say...

I know, and it was a mistake talking too much with them, as each had a different theory, and mostly don't have kids. I went in a full circle process, back to believing that she did it because she was mature and needs to do the right thing for her and the baby.

 

...especially since it was such a short relationship.

I know 4 months might seem nothing. I've been in love before, I've loved too. Have a mix of 5 and 1 year, 6, 3 and even 1 month relationships. But I must say that I almost never felt this way, both before and after the breakup. I think that since our first conversation, I had the hunch that she would be special for me. And the first time I saw her smiling when I picked her up for our first date, I just knew I was in not mistaken.

 

She is a great woman, with whom I lived an amazing time. Our relationship had everything I've ever looked for, and promised even more. My mind obviously understands her situation, but though my heart wants the best for her, it also wishes there was a way...

Edited August 27, 2017 by johnmcclane386

[springy]

I know 4 months might seem nothing.

 

I said it was short, I did not say it was nothing. You were cut down in the prime of your honeymoon period. It happened to me with a guy who I thought was perfect for me as well, and it took a bit to get over. I do not think reaching out for birthdays, holidays or anything else at this point is appropriate is what I'm saying. Unless you were in regular contact it would be very odd. But, like your friends, it's just an opinion.

[springy]

Her baby is just one year old...where is baby daddy?

[johnmcclane386]

Her baby is now like 1 year and 3 months old. Awesome kid, the time I spent with him brought a lot of extra joy to my life.

 

Regarding the dad, they were going out for a short time, and according to what I understood, it was an OK relationship (not the love of her life). One day she discovered she was pregnant. Then the dad didn't want the kid, and actually wanted an abortion. So she decided to raise the kid by herself instead. As far as I know they both work for a big company, but the guy has never approached her again, not even to ask for the kid's name, or how is he doing.

 

She always got a bit angry when thinking about the guy, and I guess is normal.

 

I told her several times "I'm so proud of you, taking the decision of raising a kid by yourself, away from family and old friends... You're so strong... I'm so proud you made the right decision, instead of the easy one... he is an awesome kid".

 

Why do you ask?

Edited August 28, 2017 by johnmcclane386

[springy]

Was just curious as to where the father was, with such a young baby to care for.

[johnmcclane386]

Last week I had a rough patch. After dealing with the rupture in an OK way, I started over thinking. A lot of different what ifs came to light, and after touching rock bottom, I decided to dismiss them. but I concluded one thing that I still believe in: during the last weeks of my relationship with her, I wasn't myself. The troubles at work made me feel sad, exhausted, negative. Even when tried to not show, sometimes I couldn't avoid it, and I feel like I was too dramatic at some points. I fear (I don't remember facts) I might have neglected her a little bit.

 

Don't get me wrong, the last weeks we spent together were great. But while I reviewed the text messages (I did that) and found no evidence for this being the reason, I'm 100% sure I was not being my best self. I wasn't giving her the regular me, the one she met when we initially went out.

 

All this happened at the same time she was confronting her own challenges. It happened to early in the relationship, when you're supposed to be falling in love. While I believe that while not the main reason (she would have mentioned it), if I hadn't been going through that at the moment, probably she would have felt more security from me, and we would be together. I believe a woman with a baby needs to find reasurance in her man, not an extra source of discomfort.

 

My logic says that when you want someone in your life, you don't break up with him "before harder times come" because you believe it will be to much to deal with. You go together into it with him, and if by then you realize it is too hard, and you both can't find a way to make things work, then you break up. She broke up with me preemptively, that's what signals me there was something else, probably what I've mentioned before.

 

In the last month I've been moved to improve some things in my life I had neglected, like learning the local language, making new friends, and trying to be less dramatic about life. I've even asked my friends to help me. I've also worked into getting a new job. I'm almost back on my feet again regarding my personal life.

 

Some nights I just now wonder. Is it worth losing her? Is there a way I can reach her, and eventually talk things out? Is there a way she can fall in love with the man she first met?

 

I've met a lot of women in my life. Some of them ended in nice relationships, but none had the things I was looking for, and at the same time made me feel the way she made me feel. I know I can go around again, meeting new people, but is hard to forget that she is everything I've ever wanted.