I asked for break up but then came back after two hours now he needs time think

[Kelly08]

On our way back from his brothers birthday party he was very upset I asked him what was wrong he said he was upset because I didn't interact with anyone there and instead sat on couch by myself, which interacted in the first part of the night with all his family, but due to my issues I pulled back after they went out to smoke cigars. I kept an eye on anything just didn't have the energy which I explained him. We ended that conversation with me saying I will try next time better. Once we got to his place I couldn't shook off a feeling and asked him is this not working anymore, we've been together for 9 months I just spent a week on vacation with his extended family. All of this while I'm dealing with my issues, which he tried to be there for me. Anyways when I asked he said ok, and him saying ok I thought so he's been thinking to break up.

 

I've been under a lot of stress in the past few month and this week it's been worse on top of that my hormones yesterday were fully out of balance. Which I went back to his place at 4 am after not being fall asleep, ended up leaving and called in the morning told him I didn't mean what I said ., said sorry and told him he's the love of my life, we said we'll talk later. Then he called me back and said he needs time to think, I said ok. Later texted him explaining why my hormones were out of balance and I want myself but also that will give him the time.

 

Is there any hope for us? Appreciate your answers

[Frostedflake]

It sounds like he puts in a lot of emotional effort with you and that you may not be carrying your weight. After he's been there you decided to leave him, however brief it was (two hours?). This solidified any thoughts of under appreciation he was already feeling and now he's not sure he wants to go back because- what's changed in two hours? Not much.

 

I'm not against you but I am saying look at the issues that this has brought up and think about what you can do to fix them. You can take this as a opportunity to improve your communication skills and show him you recognized the issue and fixed it. Or you can see the big picture that maybe you guys will never communicate in the ways you desire from each other and it's time to move on.

 

Use this time to think.

[Kelly08]

Thank you, You are right I wasn't appreciative enough yesterday, this was the first time that happened. I have ongoing issue going on and yet as he said I've been putting on smile on my face for him and been there, but yesterday I lost it. The only reason I asked for breakup is this was the first time I've seen him upset at me and got afraid I'm making him unhappy when he replied ok I thought my scare is true. I will make the effort to talk to him and show him I'm ready to work and communicate better

[Sunnymae]

Just let what happened be there without picking it up and running through the cycle in your head. How you've been treated and how You wish this. Just let it be.

 

Edited August 25, 2017 by Sunnymae

[preraph]

Well, get to a hormone therapist and get those hormones regulated but don't expect it to work miracles, but you might feel less edgy.

[Kelly08]

It was more so plan B side effect, my second time ever taking it, and every side effect hit me as to depression and mood swings even two weeks after.as when we went for his friends memorial service the night of he was drunk and didn't want to wait until we got back, part of trying to be there for him and ease his pain

[Kelly08]

 

I'm not against you but I am saying look at the issues that this has brought up and think about what you can do to fix them. You can take this as a opportunity to improve your communication skills and show him you recognized the issue and fixed it. Or you can see the big picture that maybe you guys will never communicate in the ways you desire from each other and it's time to move on.

 

Use this time to think.

 

I reflected over this week's event and how I haven't appreciated him this week, asked him a meeting and explained him how I got scared he was going to break up, how my mind was making up stories out of stress and how I forgot to pay attention on the changes I'm making in my diet and life are affecting him. We both realized how much we misunderstood each other that night mostly I kept reading his actions wrong. Promised to be more attentive from now on, and if I ever have questions regarding us I will ask him first instead of making assumptions. Told him just needed to tell that in person and am ready to wait as long as he needs to think.

 

After I heard him out as well he forgave me, we had gr at couple hours, and are back together. But I can see a change in his responses to my texts, now provided he already told me he is still mad at me.

 

My question is should I keep texting him every day morning and evening with small messages to say have a good day, or how was your day, or give him some time and not text as often?

 

I just want to show him that I will work every day on us and never take him for granted again.

 

Thank you!

[dumbass2]

Don't over do the texting. Just mirror him and his responses. Remember that things are different now. Things may not get back to exactly the way they were. When you go through the emotions of a break up, no matter how short, feelings can change because of that one moment, no matter what the reason was.

[Frostedflake]

But I can see a change in his responses to my texts, now provided he already told me he is still mad at me.

 

My question is should I keep texting him every day morning and evening with small messages to say have a good day, or how was your day, or give him some time and not text as often?

 

Well, another possibility is he's trying to gain some sort of control/leverage now. The reason people do this after a big fight is because it makes them think they have control over it never happening again vs just trusting you to not do it again.

Unfortunately, it's really hard to call someone out about without them getting defensive because it looks like invalidation for the previous hurt again.

 

I would just pace it out, text as much as you normally would, etc.

Doting (although you're trying to make up for what happened before) right now would be rewarding his grudge holding and not fix the problem. He's going to come out about his thoughts eventually. Fingers crossed that you do manage to make plans soon to meet up, at the very least.

[Kelly08]

I would just pace it out, text as much as you normally would, etc.

Doting (although you're trying to make up for what happened before) right now would be rewarding his grudge holding and not fix the problem. He's going to come out about his thoughts eventually. Fingers crossed that you do manage to make plans soon to meet up, at the very least.

 

Thank you, i will follow your advice and go back to texting on my previous pace. Also your first advice was like a light into my behavior lately, I Am looking at this whole situation as a wake up call to work on myself and my communication skills.

I saw him for our usual Sunday night get together with friends, in person looks like he's trying to get pass it. Didn't mention anything until this afternoon when I asked him if he was still mad, he said he wasn't but it's still fresh and hard not to think about it. Told him how I'm watching communication videos, clearly working on myself, also mentioned if I've done that earlier that night would've gone differently, and how in reality my intention wasn't a breakup but I worded it so wrong and took his response "ok" as he wanted that as well and it just escalated to quickly after that.

 

Now just hope my reassurance and future actions will be enough for us to fully be back where we were. We already agreed to make it work.

[SunnyWeather]

On our way back from his brothers birthday party he was very upset I asked him what was wrong he said he was upset because I didn't interact with anyone there and instead sat on couch by myself, which interacted in the first part of the night with all his family, but due to my issues I pulled back after they went out to smoke cigars. I kept an eye on anything just didn't have the energy which I explained him. We ended that conversation with me saying I will try next time better. Once we got to his place I couldn't shook off a feeling and asked him is this not working anymore, we've been together for 9 months I just spent a week on vacation with his extended family. All of this while I'm dealing with my issues, which he tried to be there for me. Anyways when I asked he said ok, and him saying ok I thought so he's been thinking to break up.

 

I've been under a lot of stress in the past few month and this week it's been worse on top of that my hormones yesterday were fully out of balance. Which I went back to his place at 4 am after not being fall asleep, ended up leaving and called in the morning told him I didn't mean what I said ., said sorry and told him he's the love of my life, we said we'll talk later. Then he called me back and said he needs time to think, I said ok. Later texted him explaining why my hormones were out of balance and I want myself but also that will give him the time.

 

Is there any hope for us? Appreciate your answers

 

Kelly, I'm going to give you a different perspective. I'm not really clear as to why you feel the need to be so apologetic and carry all the weight of this 'argument'. I fail to see what is so wrong with you needing to sit by yourself while others are out smoking cigars especially after having spent a week with with people you don't really know that well. What's wrong with that exactly?

 

I keep hearing (or rather reading) about you taking all this blame, being so sorry, promising to do things differently, apologizing over and over, 'fixing' yourself so you are better for him, when all you did was simply ask him a question- which if I'm reading correctly-was merely if things are still ok or "still working". What again did you do wrong?? Checking in with your partner if they are 'ok' is perfectly normal. Why are you saying you will do better next time?

 

Every relationship needs balance or you will become a doormat. If your feelings feel 'off' they are telling you that something is not sitting right with you and to pay attention. Needing space isn't a crime and you shouldn't have to keep apologizing for dancing to a different rhythm.

 

good luck

 

ETA- I'm also gonna suggest you stop blaming issues on hormones, and not be so needy. He was a jerk for being mad at you in the first place, imo.

Edited August 29, 2017 by SunnyWeather

[Frostedflake]

Now just hope my reassurance and future actions will be enough for us to fully be back where we were. We already agreed to make it work.

 

Thank you for posting updates.

I hope it works out for you both.

[Kelly08]

Every relationship needs balance or you will become a doormat. If your feelings feel 'off' they are telling you that something is not sitting right with you and to pay attention. Needing space isn't a crime and you shouldn't have to keep apologizing for dancing to a different rhythm

I needed to talk it out and work to understand the true issue. We've always been in good balance, currently I have some ongoing problems that requires time to be resolved and he has been there for me every step of the way, but the issue came out because he's been there for me the way he knew how but he wasn't fully meeting my expectations in the last couple weeks, and the same goes to me. When he got angry I was shocked how all of that was not enough and lead the conversation wrong when all I wanted to was a talk and then mistook his response and let stress to make up stories in my head. Once I took the time it became clear it's our first roughest patch when our expectations and understanding clashed, we talked about it and from now on we will be talking openly when we have an expectation that's not met, and figure out either it can be met or if it's something that needs to change.

Conversation is the key and We are learning to be more open.

[salparadise]

He was a jerk for being mad at you in the first place, imo.

 

What? He's a jerk for being mad at her for her breaking up and leaving at 4am? Pfft. He'd be a doormat if he didn't take some time to reconsider.

 

Kelly, a basic rule that will serve you well... if a relationship isn't working out, talk about the issues, but never ever say the word breakup until you've thought it through, made the decision. Using it to gain leverage is unethical and undermines the foundation. Breach of trust. Not only should you show your boyfriend how sorry you are, show him you've grown beyond ever pulling that crap on him again. You've got fences to mend.

[SunnyWeather]

What? He's a jerk for being mad at her for her breaking up and leaving at 4am? Pfft. He'd be a doormat if he didn't take some time to reconsider.

 

no

 

I was referring to this:

 

Kelly08 wrote On our way back from his brothers birthday party he was very upset I asked him what was wrong he said he was upset because I didn't interact with anyone there and instead sat on couch by myself, which interacted in the first part of the night with all his family, but due to my issues I pulled back after they went out to smoke cigars. I

 

and her asking if everything was alright.

 

I couldn't shook off a feeling and asked him is this not working anymore

 

honestly, I'm having issues understanding exactly what the OP is writing. I still stand by my initial post

 

cheers