Is it time to let her go? Tragic accident Saturday

[act00]

I think it's time to let this one go. She's immature with a mental disorder going untreated with therapy and possibly needs a drug cocktail that stabilizes her mood, and her irrational behavior landed you in handcuffs in front of everyone. Her actions killed everyone's night; your friends, your family, yours.

 

Your entire weekend was toxic as you tried to plan with your friends and cater to her and her mood, and I'm gathering these mood swings and behavior were problematic before this event. The fact that your attention was divided, and you probably did "neglect" her a little bit, this really put some fuel on the fire, ultimately resulting in assault and police and handcuffs. Toxicity abounds. Her behavior quite possibly broke you...and you should heed your family's warnings.

 

You can't tell me that there wasn't a part of you that was glad when she wasn't around because you could just relax and enjoy and allow whatever plans you had to just evolve without having to babysit your girlfriend's completely irrational behavior.

 

I know that right now seems like the worst possible time to put an end to this relationship, as this is pretty much kicking her when she's down, but this can't go on and continue and she created this. By other people's recollections, she has pulled a complete 180 to a person you don't even recognize and someone who you will always have to placate at the expense of your life, your job, your friends, and your family.

 

She needs to fix herself. The stresses of a relationship are not helping her while she also has the stresses of her daily life. She's irrational and her reactions are off the grid and out of proportion. She's not healthy and you can't fix her. It will be very hard for her, there's no doubt, when you end it, and you'll feel horrible to leave her, but it's time. She pushed the final push.

[bachdude]

We rarely fight if it's just the two of us. The fights break out if she's with a larger group. I don't know where her feelings of exclusion come from because she's rarely ever not with me and never left out of anything.

 

Either way, I am taking time to think about this. She knows we can't see each other right now and need time apart to think and work on our issues. I could decide to break up with her any time. I just don't know. This may just be how she is and was putting on a face when we first met.

 

You're starting to see it but your eyes are still clouded. The time away will help you think more clearly.

[coolheadal]

First off, I want to say that my girlfriend has been struggling with anxiety and depression for a few months now. Unfortunately, it took months to get her in with her psychiatrist, but she finally went on Thursday of last week.

There was a tragedy on Saturday, someone that will forever alter and maybe end our relationship, and I need advice because I am heartbroken, scared, confused and feeling hopeless.

 

We had been fighting all day on Saturday. I had a large number of friends visiting for the weekend and we were trying to decide what to do. She kept telling me she felt left out and excluded despite the fact I had told her I wanted to around whenever she wanted to join us. This is something she's done, making things up that aren't true, since her depression started.

She eventually came with us. Later in the evening, she asked me about a "party" someone mentioned Sunday, that was a football draft party, something we had discussed. She got upset and left the restaurant, and I followed her outside. She started accusing me that I was making plans without her. I tried to tell her what was going on and then told her she needed to leave if she was upset. She threw a drink on me.

 

At that point, I got upset and told her I didn't want her there and she needed to go and not come back. I tried to walk away and as I did, she jumped out in front of me and hit her nose on my elbow and started bleeding. There were a few witnesses that saw me walking, but one couple who had been drinking called the police. Long story short, in front of my friends and mother, who my girlfriend had called, I was handcuffed and detained. Eventually I was released, as my girlfriend told the police what happened and said it was an accident and she didn't want them there. Even the people that called told the cops they saw no one get hit. The parking lot cameras showed I had tried to walk away and she stepped in front of me to stop me and hit my elbow.

While no one went to jail, my friends and mother have told me they want nothing to do with her and I should never be with her again. She has reached out to me wanting to reconcile. I still love her, but I know we have a lot to work on before we can be better again...

 

I'm just worried that even if she gets her depression under control, my friends and mother will never give her another chance and I will lose their support if I stay with her. Should I just try to let her go? Should I just give it time, not rule out a future, but let her deal with her depression?

 

I am so heartbroken I can barely function, and it feels like my friends and family are making this decision for me. I don't know how we got tothis position.

 

tl;dr: girlfriend and I fought, then we had an accident and a third party called the police. Friends and family want me to cut her off.

 

You didn't handle this correctly.. You really don't have much experience with someone who's depressed. It's good she's seeing a therapist, but you shouldn't have taken her anywhere when she's so depressed and you should have cancelled plans. I would have said you were entrapment with the police and her but she told them you didn't do anything. I've been in many times with the prior gif always calling the police on me she's was depressed seeing a therapist and on meds. Not a lot you can do I too loved her my friends told me I shouldn't have anything to do with her. I was never arrested, I am harmless when you see me in person. The police always told me sir what are you doing here with her, sir you need to go and don't come back to her. I did that and 3 months later in 2016 she contacts me for help. She was never the same as I had first met her she was always depress. She kept on making up stories and wanting to call the police on me. I really cared for her but by march 2017 I ended it for go and NC is in place. I met someone else now she's allot stronger than prior ex gf who's like your current gf.

 

My advise is this you can stick it out, but remember if you do your on your own. Your family and friends won't stand by you with her in tow. I know you love her so much just like I did with my prior ex, but there are times that love can't cure their disorder. It will only get worst each day. You see you had argument that lasted all day Saturday could you imagine that every day for the rest of your life. She's always going to be this way sure there would be mood swing moments and good times and bad times.

 

I miss my mind but I gotten over it I can't deal with her depression mood swings and her threats to call the police always. If she drives and always get left somewhere and have to call a taxi. I didn't like that cost me so much money to get my SUV and to get home. Love can lead to so much of woes but you'll never be happy with her like a normal strong woman would be. She's unstable and a lose canon. Try it for a few months but it won't go full circle. If they give her med's she'll never be the same.

[tart6245]

Well, she never wanted the police here. But that was the first time she's ever thrown something at me.

 

I wish she hadn't come with me and my friends that night, but she insisted so she wouldn't be left out. If she had been smart after she told me she felt depressed, she shouldn't stayed home.

 

A lot of you are right. I guess I'm just not at the spot yet to dump her. I feel like I'm kicking her while she's down all over this. But at the end of the day, she threw something at me. I have no idea if she will again. I just need time I guess. It feels like we're broken up even though we still speak and I guess that's why I feel so awful

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well, she never wanted the police here. But that was the first time she's ever thrown something at me.

 

I wish she hadn't come with me and my friends that night, but she insisted so she wouldn't be left out. If she had been smart after she told me she felt depressed, she shouldn't stayed home.

 

A lot of you are right. I guess I'm just not at the spot yet to dump her. I feel like I'm kicking her while she's down all over this. But at the end of the day, she threw something at me. I have no idea if she will again. I just need time I guess. It feels like we're broken up even though we still speak and I guess that's why I feel so awful

 

Earlier I posted three red flags about her. The first bolded statement in the above is the fourth red flag.

 

You write you feel you're kicking her when she's down if you part ways over this incident. But actually she kicked (threw drink in your face and stepped in front of you confrontationally, physical acts of aggression, when you were walking away attempting to de-escalate the situation) you when she was down. You're the victim, not her.

 

To the second bolded statement: I believe she will, sorry to say. This type thing almost always escalates over time, just as your feelings for her will most likely escalate, making it increasingly difficult to do what you may consider to be "abandoning" her.

 

Imo, you're in for a difficult journey with her but sometimes one has to see it to believe it. Experience is the best teacher. Please continue to post here if it seems to help.

 

From all you've written, you seem to be a great guy with a wonderfully supportive family!

[tart6245]

Earlier I posted three red flags about her. The first bolded statement in the above is the fourth red flag.

 

You write you feel you're kicking her when she's down if you part ways over this incident. But actually she kicked (threw drink in your face and stepped in front of you confrontationally, physical acts of aggression, when you were walking away attempting to de-escalate the situation) you when she was down. You're the victim, not her.

 

To the second bolded statement: I believe she will, sorry to say. This type thing almost always escalates over time, just as your feelings for her will most likely escalate, making it increasingly difficult to do what you may consider to be "abandoning" her.

 

Imo, you're in for a difficult journey with her but sometimes one has to see it to believe it. Experience is the best teacher. Please continue to post here if it seems to help.

 

From all you've written, you seem to be a great guy with a wonderfully supportive family!

 

The other issue is, she had one of her friends pick her up from the scene, and I know that all of her friends now think I am an abusive person. My gf admits that people she never hears from have called or messaged her asking how she is, and saying they've heard she isn't well.

 

 

My view is even if she and I can make things right, she gets proper treatment and she gets herself together, the chances I can ever show my face in front of her friends is small. I'm sure horrible things have been said about me. And if it's that I'm an abusive boyfriend, I can't see how I ever come back from that.

[tart6245]

You're starting to see it but your eyes are still clouded. The time away will help you think more clearly.

 

I do think over time I will accept what I need to do. I can support and work with her, but she already wants things to go back to how they were and they just can't do that. I don't know if she will change without a full breakup

[LivingWaterPlease]

This person has abused you and you believe she lied about you to her friends yet you still want to date her?

 

Why would you want to date someone who would treat you so badly?

[spiderowl]

Firstly, it is your relationship with your girlfriend that is central to this. It is not up to your family who you are with, though I appreciate family can make life difficult if they disapprove. I can well understand they want to protect you if they think your girlfriend is not only making you miserable but getting you into trouble with the police. They presumbly do not have faith that things will improve with her.

 

It does sound as if you and your girlfriend were arguing a lot. Whether this is triggered by her depression or not, arguing a lot is never a good sign in a relationship. You can encourage her to seek help and be supportive but you should not have to cope with lots of conflict because she is depressed. You need to think about whether this relationship really can improve or not and be realistic about it.

 

If you want this girl and she wants you, you both need to talk about a way forward. It seems carrying on the same way is not a good idea. This could be a crunch time where something positive has to come out of it or you go your separate ways. You could agree to try relationship counselling if she seeks help for her depression. Bear in mind though that antidepressants have side-effects and many people do give them up after a while because of that. Sexual side-effects can be particularly demoralising. Other types of therapy may help, it is hard to know at this point.

[salparadise]

You could agree to try relationship counselling if she seeks help for her depression. Bear in mind though that antidepressants have side-effects and many people do give them up after a while because of that. Sexual side-effects can be particularly demoralising. Other types of therapy may help, it is hard to know at this point.

 

None of this is going to fundamentally change who she is or the issues underlying the behaviors. It takes a lot of self-work to effect a tiny bit of change, and major transformations rarely if ever happen. OP is not grasping these facts because he is in denial of the reality that everyone here, as well as family and friends, are trying to make him aware of.

 

I think OP has had a lack of acceptance in his life, and this relationship feels like a once-in-a-lifetime chance to him. He's not able to envision a happy, stable relationship, much less truly believe that he is worthy and deserving of one.

 

It's already enmeshed, without boundaries on her end, and he's determined to please and appease to hold it together. He will need to keep giving up little pieces of himself until he is diminished and destroyed. OP needs to address this in therapy. He needs help envisioning happy and healthy, and believing that he is deserving of same. His hanging on to this isn't love, it's fear.

Edited August 26, 2017 by salparadise

[tart6245]

None of this is going to fundamentally change who she is or the issues underlying the behaviors. It takes a lot of self-work to effect a tiny bit of change, and major transformations rarely if ever happen. OP is not grasping these facts because he is in denial of the reality that everyone here, as well as family and friends, are trying to make him aware of.

 

I think OP has had a lack of acceptance in his life, and this relationship feels like a once-in-a-lifetime chance to him. He's not able to envision a happy, stable relationship, much less truly believe that he is worthy and deserving of one.

 

It's already enmeshed, without boundaries on her end, and he's determined to please and appease to hold it together. He will need to keep giving up little pieces of himself until he is diminished and destroyed. OP needs to address this in therapy. He needs help envisioning happy and healthy, and believing that he is deserving of same. His hanging on to this isn't love, it's fear.

 

Lack of acceptance isn't an issue I have had, but I do agree I am fearful of life without her. I've never had issues dating women nor having a strong group of friends. I guess I am holding on to the first 4-5 months we were together where it seemed like we were perfect for each other.

 

 

But now, it's terribly codependent, she is always thinking she's unwanted and left out, and before we took space, I was spending 95% of my free time with her. I couldn't see my friends hardly at all, and certainly not without her with me, and all around it's unhealthy.

 

 

I too am worried she won't change, and I am aware I should let this go. I am struggling right now knowing that fact, but I know I won't walk back into a situation where I am doing everything for her to please her, only to see her be as unhappy as ever.

 

 

As someone said, I did feel relief this past weekend when she was gone. I could see my friends without constantly having to cater to her or have my telephone in my hand to message her if she wanted to contact me. I went where I wanted to go with them and felt almost free.

 

 

Walking away from someone who I've been with for a year isn't easy, but I know that's probably the right decision. She's now getting treated and told me she wants to go to therapy, but those changes may take months or years, and if they don't happen at all, I've burned through another year of my life.

[act00]

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "When a door closes, a window opens." You have your window. Take it.

 

One of your updates discusses how all her friends see her as the victim and you physically assaulted her, and the end result is they're all rallying around her and you are the abuser.

 

She is dangerous. You will end up in jail with a record, hundreds of thousands of dollars of legal fees, and no ability to land a job with a record.

 

Window open..JUMP...and run, run fast.

 

She clearly doesn't care about you when her actions cause the drama. She's happy to be the victim while her friends rally around and turn you into the bade guy. She doesn't care.

 

Window open...JUMP...and run, run fast!