Is it time to let her go? Tragic accident Saturday

[tart6245]

First off, I want to say that my girlfriend has been struggling with anxiety and depression for a few months now. Unfortunately, it took months to get her in with her psychiatrist, but she finally went on Thursday of last week.

There was a tragedy on Saturday, someone that will forever alter and maybe end our relationship, and I need advice because I am heartbroken, scared, confused and feeling hopeless.

 

We had been fighting all day on Saturday. I had a large number of friends visiting for the weekend and we were trying to decide what to do. She kept telling me she felt left out and excluded despite the fact I had told her I wanted to around whenever she wanted to join us. This is something she's done, making things up that aren't true, since her depression started.

She eventually came with us. Later in the evening, she asked me about a "party" someone mentioned Sunday, that was a football draft party, something we had discussed. She got upset and left the restaurant, and I followed her outside. She started accusing me that I was making plans without her. I tried to tell her what was going on and then told her she needed to leave if she was upset. She threw a drink on me.

 

At that point, I got upset and told her I didn't want her there and she needed to go and not come back. I tried to walk away and as I did, she jumped out in front of me and hit her nose on my elbow and started bleeding. There were a few witnesses that saw me walking, but one couple who had been drinking called the police. Long story short, in front of my friends and mother, who my girlfriend had called, I was handcuffed and detained. Eventually I was released, as my girlfriend told the police what happened and said it was an accident and she didn't want them there. Even the people that called told the cops they saw no one get hit. The parking lot cameras showed I had tried to walk away and she stepped in front of me to stop me and hit my elbow.

While no one went to jail, my friends and mother have told me they want nothing to do with her and I should never be with her again. She has reached out to me wanting to reconcile. I still love her, but I know we have a lot to work on before we can be better again...

 

I'm just worried that even if she gets her depression under control, my friends and mother will never give her another chance and I will lose their support if I stay with her. Should I just try to let her go? Should I just give it time, not rule out a future, but let her deal with her depression?

 

I am so heartbroken I can barely function, and it feels like my friends and family are making this decision for me. I don't know how we got tothis position.

 

tl;dr: girlfriend and I fought, then we had an accident and a third party called the police. Friends and family want me to cut her off.

[MarvelFan1]

Dude, at the end of the day, if you really think you can make it work between you two, between her anxiety and depression, especially as your supporting her through it too, give her a chance.

 

That's the sign of love, by trying and not giving up. It was an accident, and no relationship is perfect. I have a friend who has a partner with the same issues as your GF, and he is always by her side.

 

At the end of the day, you do what makes you happy, not anyone else. It's your life, no one elses. I broke up with an ex that everyone said was good for me, and I wanted her back at the time, and my family said things wouldn't be the same, as they didn't like her, but it's my life and if it makes me happy, that's all that matters, and they would accept it. It's a shame your family and friends aren't so forgiving.

 

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, so maybe your friends and family don't understand everything, but if she is worth fighting for, then you go and get her, and I wish you all the best mate. I see no reason why you need to let her go, I really don't.

Edited August 24, 2017 by MarvelFan1

[Zahara]

I read your other thread, OP. It seems that in the beginning when you started dating her, she was the opposite of what she is today. I believe you mentioned -- fun and independent. In a span of a few months she morphed into someone that is very much the opposite. The person you initially met was all a facade she created to rope you in. That in itself sounds rather dysfunctional. Unfortunately, you now, are in love with that image rather than the reality of who she truly is.

 

I have to side with your family. I wouldn't want to see a loved one being treated poorly. If she deals with conflict by throwing a drink over your head in public, I have to wonder what else has happened in the time you have been together. And if within a year you're having to deal with such behavior, think of what life will be long term. Most times, people don't change.

 

My suggestion to you is to step away from her. Create some space between the both of you so that you have the ability to gain mental clarity and figure out if this is something you want. Love isn't enough. Right now you are emotionally driven. And she the opportunity to pursue professional help without you as a crutch or distraction. She needs to exhibit that she's doing this because she is self-aware enough in that she knows she needs help and wants to commit to it.

 

There is no guarantee that she may even continue with her therapy consistently or even change and I have to wonder if there's more brewing in there than just depression. Allow her to work on herself because self-development requires commitment, effort and time. She may not be as invested as you would like her to be but you'll see that in time.

[tart6245]

I know nothing is a guarantee regarding her mental health. It's just heartbreaking this happened because it was simply an accident and no one really was hurt. But she shouldn't be in public in large crowds given her state.

 

I don't know how to handle this. We are taking space. We still talk but we aren't seeing each other right now. I told her we both have to work on things before we can be good again.

 

But I fear my friends and family most. Right now feelings are still new it's only been a few days. I just worry I'll be forced to dump her because of them in a few months if I hang on and keep communicating with her.

[Zahara]

I know nothing is a guarantee regarding her mental health. It's just heartbreaking this happened because it was simply an accident and no one really was hurt. But she shouldn't be in public in large crowds given her state.

 

This isn't about the accident. That's a blip in the big picture. A symptom to a much bigger problem.

 

I don't know how to handle this. We are taking space. We still talk but we aren't seeing each other right now. I told her we both have to work on things before we can be good again.

 

Personally, having experienced this in the past -- it usually doesn't change. You can take the space that you need but you truly have to focus on long term and how this is also going to affect you and the people around you. It's one thing that she has mental issues, and it's honorable that you want to help her, but that comes at the expense of also damaging your own mental and emotional well being.

 

But I fear my friends and family most. Right now feelings are still new it's only been a few days. I just worry I'll be forced to dump her because of them in a few months if I hang on and keep communicating with her.

 

Your family and friends are looking from a place of clarity. They see what you don't see. If your brother or best friend came to you with such a scenario, you'd likely feel the same way they do. They're concerned for you because you are in an emotional fog and can't make a healthy decision for yourself. Chances are, they will have to accept your decision if you chose to go back to her and you will have to learn the hard way but throughout, support you and be there for you when you need them.

Edited August 24, 2017 by Zahara

[kendahke]

when you say:

Unfortunately, it took months to get her in with her psychiatrist

.

 

Was that a result of the psychiatrist's schedule/insurance issues or was this about her not wanting to see a psychiatrist?

 

If this is about the scheduling/insurance issue, then I'd say take your space for now, but insist that she work on her problems. Your family isn't dating her and while I understand that they love you, etc., we all know that family can be toxic towards the girl/boyfriends if you let them. God knows we've seen enough threads on these boards about such a thing. They won't stop loving you nor will they kick you out of the family. You just won't be able to come vent your spleen to them about your frustrations with her. But if you choose to stay with her, you must stand up to them and be willing to not go around them for her sake.

 

Thing is: it was an accident and drunk busybodies are who called the police, not her--and she admitted that she was trying to get in your way. Had they kept their noses out of it, since they admit they didn't see anyone hitting anyone, your family wouldn't be all up in your business right now. This was an anomaly.

 

However, if this is about her refusing to do so all this time, then yeah, I agree with your family that you just need to cut her loose and let her and her family deal with her mental health issues.

Edited August 24, 2017 by kendahke

[smackie9]

This what you do....don't do anymore dates with her. You can support her and get her help, but seeing each other isn't going to work. She really needs to own it, and deal with her illness. What she should be doing is look into joining a support group, get medication, to at least start the process. She can't be drinking, partying or joining activities with you and family/friends as this just makes her volatile. She needs to be with her family...it is their issue to deal with not yours. I would contact them to let them know she is in need of their support/help.

 

If she doesn't comply with any of these terms, you are better off cutting her loose.

 

I'm telling you now, she will be sick for the rest of her life. This is her. Yes there is treatment, BUT it is not 100%. If it is not maintained, she will go back to being unstable. IMO you should not consider marrying or having kids with her. There is a real good chance this will get passed on to your kids. It's a s&*^% way to live walking on eggshells.

[2much4]

I read through some of your past threads. Seems to be a recuring theme for you that you have smothering girlfriend who make you chronically unhappy.....I don't think this is about the incident at all. Your friends and family probably observed other things and this was the last straw.

 

If you want to stay together....thats your business. You just have to accept the fact your family doesn't like her.

[tart6245]

Her being sick the rest of her life is a worry. My mother said to me that if she and I had kids there would be a risk of the kids being the same way.

 

The delay was scheduling. She agreed to go in early May, but the soonest she could be seen was 3 months. I called her current psychiatrist and several new ones and no one had a spot. It wasn't because she refused.

[Robratory]

I know nothing is a guarantee regarding her mental health. It's just heartbreaking this happened because it was simply an accident and no one really was hurt. But she shouldn't be in public in large crowds given her state.

 

I don't know how to handle this

 

Her throwing a drink at you was not an accident. It was behavior that should be met with absolute zero-tolerance.

 

Why are you with her? I thought it was only women who stubbornly stuck by jerks because they were committed to their project of changing him. Life is too short, and there are sooo many other women out there.

[smackie9]

Like I said there are other options while she waits. Depression/ bi-polar is a chemical imbalance so a regular doctor can still prescribe medication. There must be a support group of some kind she can attend, just have her talk to a doctor or go to a clinic. They will have information for her as to what her options are and where she can seek help.

 

Your mother is right....there is a very strong chance your kids will inherit her illness. My mother and most of her family suffer from mental illness (thank god I was adopted). You can see how it was past down to other generations.

[preraph]

Your girlfriend, bless her heart, is making irrational demands on you and acting out. I certainly hope she continues to go to therapy, but what if she doesn't?

 

Here is what I would do and what i would tell her and your parents and hers, for that matter. I'd tell them that you will hang in there as long as she continues to see the therapist but only check in with her about once a week while she works on herself. Tell her you care about her but can't be with her until the therapy levels her out. Tell her she is irrational and making irrational demands that cross boundaries with you and that you will not put up with, but tell her you fervently hope she continues to get therapy and follow the doctor's instructions and takes whatever meds are prescribed and that if she doesn't OR if she doesn't level out in a couple months' time, you will walk away.

[trustyourself]

 

Why are you with her? I thought it was only women who stubbornly stuck by jerks because they were committed to their project of changing him. Life is too short, and there are sooo many other women out there.

 

Sadly, this is not the case. I can attest, and I dont even have an explanation as to why I did it!

[kendahke]

Her being sick the rest of her life is a worry. My mother said to me that if she and I had kids there would be a risk of the kids being the same way.

 

The delay was scheduling. She agreed to go in early May, but the soonest she could be seen was 3 months. I called her current psychiatrist and several new ones and no one had a spot. It wasn't because she refused.

 

Ok. Any reason why she couldn't have gone to a psychotherapist (they don't have the MD to make them psychiatrists, but they do everything else but prescribe meds)? Like Smackie said, any doctor can prescribe the meds--she didn't need a psychiatrist for that, really. This could have just been a bluffing tactic for her.

Edited August 24, 2017 by kendahke

[LivingWaterPlease]

tarheelian, your family can see her from a different perspective than you can. If I were you I would give due consideration to their counsel.

 

Three things she's already done just in this one instance that are unbalanced imo, are 1. to claim to be being excluded when she was being included 2. to throw a drink in your face in public and 3. to jump in front of you when you were walking away from her.

 

These are all red flags.

 

I have known people like this who have made the lives of their spouses and children miserable.

 

I would very kindly extract myself from this relationship were I in your place.

 

Also, although not every premarital pregnancy is the result of manipulation, there are still women who do this. So please be very cautious if you end up dating her still for any time at all. If she thinks you may break up with her, given her psychological issues, she may resort to getting pg to keep you. This has happened to some.

Edited August 24, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Downtown]

I need advice.... Is it time to let her go?

Tar, I agree Zahara, LivingWater, your family, and your friends that you should walk away from this dysfunctional relationship. As Jiveballer and I discussed with you in our April posts, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., the irrational jealousy, suicide threats, verbal and physical abuse, neediness, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

This is why I suggested then that, if you agree that she is exhibiting strong and persistent BPD traits, you should walk away because she is too emotionally unstable and immature to sustain a mature relationship. If you nonetheless are unwilling to leave her, I again would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join Zahara and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Tar.

Edited August 24, 2017 by Downtown

[bachdude]

In a healthy relationship, a SO gives some space when friends are in town, realizing that you don't get to see them as much, and doesn't cause scenes in front of them ruining your time together.

 

This behavior is very unstable even more, it is immature. I dated a woman like this in my past and it never changed.

 

In an adult way of living, you realize that people care way more about how you behave than how you feel. It's sad she has these problems but many people have anxiety and depression but still behave maturely. Careful not to confuse the two - these are two separate issues.

 

Don't excuse her immature behavior on the basis of other issues she has.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Once again, be advised that an unbalanced person may become pg in order to keep you.

 

Even if she says she's on the pill, if you should sleep with her again (I hope you don't) be sure to use a condom.

 

I know a woman with NPD who was on the pill and got pg because she thought her bf was going to break up with her. Later she explained that she'd forgotten to take her pill one day. Although she may have, she also may have manipulated the situation. Anyone can forget to take a pill, but an unbalanced person is more likely to forget on purpose.

Edited August 24, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[guest569]

I don't know if her somehow managing to smack her face onto your elbow classifies as a tragic accident. I agree that it wasn't an ideal night. Things are pretty bad if your own girlfriend is making a scene and splashing her drink at you.

 

So, the relationship is 1 year. She has been depressed for the 2nd half and does not know why. Has she ever been depressed before? Is her clinginess and feeling of being left out because of her depression? Or is it the other way around? I know that depression can make a person feel inadequate or as though everyone hates them or is excluding them. Has she expressed any issues she has with the relationship? Are there any good times? Has she done this type of thing before?

 

One thing, I think you should step back and look after yourself. Forget about what your friends and family are saying, as you have to figure it out for yourself. It is your life, not theirs.

[salparadise]

I agree with Downtown's comments. Depression and anxiety do not account for the issues she's exhibiting. Depression and anxiety don't render a person incapable of socially acceptable behavior. If those were the only problems she would be able to just say I'm feeling depressed and anxious and I need some extra support. She may very well have these two issues in addition to bi-polar, BPD or other issues that are responsible for the extreme behaviors.

 

Do you really think that she might become a different person by taking some meds and seeing a therapist? No, it doesn't work that way. It takes a lot of hard work to effect a little bit of change. You have to accept that this is who she is, and the chances that she could become a different person are zero. If you stay with her you will be choosing a life primarily focused on managing her dysfunction. If you were married with kids it would certainly be more complicated, but you have the ability to say, no this isn't the life I choose.

 

That's where your parents and friend are coming from. You need to walk away from this mess. You should also read up on codependency and get a copy of "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and "Codependent No More." You are showing signs of unhealthy care-taking and an inability to resist these types of needy, dysfunctional women. That's what your focus should be –– why do you not put yourself first and make the right choices for a happy, healthy life?

 

I am not lacking empathy for her plight. She will have a difficult life, for sure. But rational, emotionally healthy people end relationships for nuanced reasons if someone isn't right for them... you've got someone here with no prospects whatsoever for a healthy relationship, and trying every trick in the book to talk yourself out of making the choice for yourself that any reasonable person would.

[preraph]

Since she just started therapy, neither he nor she even know her diagnosis yet. It's bound to be more complex. Whether it accounts for the behavior remains to be seen.

 

OP, the other comment I'd add to my prior post is that once you tell her you're only checking in once a week, and she is seeing a psychiatrist and her parents know this is going on, your foot is halfway out the door and those people, doctor and parents can then take over for you and help her through the breakup if it needs to happen. Plus limiting your contact with her will make her realize you have boundaries and you will hold those boundaries. So that is what I recommend, checking in once a week and not letting her text you in between. Make her focus on herself without you.

[tart6245]

We rarely fight if it's just the two of us. The fights break out if she's with a larger group. I don't know where her feelings of exclusion come from because she's rarely ever not with me and never left out of anything.

 

Either way, I am taking time to think about this. She knows we can't see each other right now and need time apart to think and work on our issues. I could decide to break up with her any time. I just don't know. This may just be how she is and was putting on a face when we first met.

[Space Ritual]

She acted like that in front of your mother? Yeah she's gotta go. It's a no brainer. More of it will come if you stay with her. And your friends will evaporate once you start attempting to excuse her behaviors. Which you eventually will be forced to do if you continue the relationship. Then you will have to choose between her and your family members that want her nowhere in spitting range.

 

 

She has to do some serious work on herself for herself, not for you, your mother, or anyone else.

 

The rub on that is, that it is highly unlikely she will do that work, probably because there i no guarantee there is a reward for doing so.

 

Do yourself a favor and release her to her destiny of being someone else's problem

[Space Ritual]

Once again, be advised that an unbalanced person may become pg in order to keep you.

 

Even if she says she's on the pill, if you should sleep with her again (I hope you don't) be sure to use a condom.

 

I know a woman with NPD who was on the pill and got pg because she thought her bf was going to break up with her. Later she explained that she'd forgotten to take her pill one day. Although she may have, she also may have manipulated the situation. Anyone can forget to take a pill, but an unbalanced person is more likely to forget on purpose.

 

I can relate.

 

Same thing was pulled on me at one time. She ended up not being pregnant but she kept the ruse up for a few weeks in order to guilt trip me into sticking around.

[Space Ritual]

7398797. I just worry I'll be forced to dump her because of them in a few months if I hang on and keep communicating with her.

 

Dude

 

SHE is the one who would be forcing you to dump her...and you should