Leaving?

[Jrugby7]

Well, we've been trying to work things out and last night i finally gave up. We went out with a few people and barley even spoke to each other. I tried to compliment her and have conversation but she acted totally un-interested. On the way home she fell asleep, my guess is that she didn't want to talk and that was the easiest way to avoid it. Once we got home i tried again to engage her in conversation. I asked about work, coaching, her team, anything and everything. NOTHING. so i asked whats wrong. She replied that we never talk and she doesn't feel close to me. wtf? So i suggested maybe we should separate. we discussed it and i think i will be packing up today. She doesn't want to leave but this is the only option i see. She hated our MC and doesn't want to go back. She still does IC but i don't think it helps us too much. I hate to even think that she will go back to this guy. She hasn't spoke to him and she got out of coaching with him but it wont shock me. How do i know when i've tried as hard as i can? i feel empty inside. There is so much i want to tell her but i dont want to go running back.

[Opium]

You can clear your head and tell her how you feel. Tell her this is the last opportunity to talk about the relationship and what you both want out of it. If she still doesn't want to talk, then all I can tell you is pack your bags and find someone who will open up and talk to you.

 

How can she say you guys don't talk when all she does is avoid any conversation with you?

 

Just be strong and realize you've done all you can and it's been hopeless don't' feel down on yourself, she's the one not trying.

[Jrugby7]

I dont know. It came out in MC that she feels i take not intrest in her work or coaching. So thats what i've been asking about. I feel like nothing is ever good enough and i can never win. I'm packing up today and moving out. I don't know if i want a divorce but i'm not happy with our marriage.

 

Another problem. She will call OM to get lawyers number. Thats what she did last time. Once that happens they will start contact again. I feel like i'm giving in and losing.

[exoticdesi]

Jrugby, what happened suddenly here? I thought you guys were working out pretty good. She being honest, having NC with OM, going to MC and getting out of coaching. I very much sympathize with you as I am also recovering from the A. My W is speaking and showing the right things but the lack of attraction is killing me. I sometimes wonder will it ever come back or is it worth living like this for ever ? Please keep on posting ....

[Jrugby7]

I hear you. I thought things were going alright aswell. She always asks how long its going to be like this. I have to remind her that i found out 6 weeks ago about the A. I told her that i don't feel any affection from her ever and that i try and try and nothing help. This makes her feel like the bad guy and she hates it. I don't know what else to do. MC didn't help. We just don't talk, when i try, she says it feels fake and i'm trying too hard. Like i said before, i can't win. I get the feeling she doesn't want to be happy with me. She has mentioned in the past she wishes we would have dated other people and she resents our relationship for that. Which led to the A. I give up. I can't win. No use in waisting anymore time/energy on it.

[Opium]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wasn't aware that she had an affair. And sad to say but if she coaches and loved it and the only reason she left it was because of you, she's missing it and wondering why she has to stop doing something she loves. She seems very unstable and I'm sorry but she doesn't sound like a woman who wants to work out her marriage.

 

Trying to hard?? I don't get woman sometimes, funny cause I'm one but some woman are just bipolar or I don't know from a different species. You're better off alone than in this misery, I wouldnt' want to be with someone who broke our vowls and my trust. Find some time to go out and enjoy yourself with some friends. Call a lawyer and get a divorce, you're all out of energy and I read right through your pain.

[Jrugby7]

Easier said than done. We have a long history together, same friends, and very close to each others family. I truely do love her and i know she loves me but our marriage is not working. Maybe some time apart will help clear her head. She can concentrate on coaching (she coaches volley ball, and used to coach basketball) and what she wants. Its so hard to imagine my life without her, she means the world to me, but i'm depressed all the time. I can't even remember the last time i felt happy. I don't think i can initiate the divorce. If she files, i will sign.

[exoticdesi]

So why are you giving up ? There are two parts here. First is her A with OM. If she is repenting and has agreed not to tread on that path and if you have genuienly forgiven her than that should not be the reason for you to call quits. The Second is rebuilding your relationship with her. Hell it is going to take some time and lot of efforts from both of you.

i found out 6 weeks ago about the A.

Seems like you are kind of rushing in expecting things to be like before too soon. As the A is quite recent, it will take time from her too to get over it. The question is "does she want to get over it?". Is she showing the right attitude and does her action speak for herself ? Obviously just like me, she had stopped seeing you as loving husband and soulmate long time back (otherwise she won't have had the A in first place). It will take some time to get that back.

 

We just don't talk, when i try, she says it feels fake and i'm trying too hard.

 

Ditto here. She want to bury stuff and I just want to talk. I have all kind of questions. She tells me I am too over analyzing stuff. She says that I need to sometime let it play cool. I don't know if that's true or not, but one thing is for sure - It does feel to them that we are very much insecure. And that in turn is not helping in having them feel attracted to us again. So now, I am trying to change my attitude and see if that works.

 

She replied...we never talk

..Trying to say- YOU never talk..Contradiction! Again, just like you, the problem is If I don't talk and try to somewhat ignore her, she would say I am not giving her the attention she seeks. (A no-win situation).

 

 

She has mentioned in the past she wishes we would have dated other people and she resents our relationship for that

Or ... I should not have married you...

Or.....I would have found better partner than you .... etc etc..

 

I guess every woman says that to their Husbands at some point in their life. Again, this was in past and should not be the reason you would want to call quits. So, I still don't know what really happened which made you change you stance. If it is just that you are feeling depressed, or you have doubts/questions then I would tell you that things like this happens all the time, just ride through it. Tommorow you may feel different.

I am trying, and I think so should you..

Good Luck....

[Jrugby7]

I do want to try, but i think some time apart will help her realize what she wants. Its a horrible situation to go home to everyday and i'm tired of it. There is no love or affection coming from her and no matter what i do its wrong. If i ask questions i'm being fake, if i don't talk somethings wrong. There is 0 intamace between us. She needs the emotional connection to want sex and i need sex to feel the emotional connection. I just think we are both holding on because we are scared.

[exoticdesi]

Originally posted by Jrugby7

I do want to try, but i think some time apart will help her realize what she wants.

I don't know if it is such a good idea. Remember that her physical ties with OM are over, but we don't know if her mind has given up totally or not. If she is like my W who cannot live without companionship or affection, then you would be pushing her back to OM or some other person...

 

Its a horrible situation to go home to everyday and i'm tired of it. There is no love or affection coming from her

I hear you. They want love and affection but don't want to reciprocate. Telling them this doesn't make any difference. Have your MC tell this to her. or if she doesn't go, hand her copy of "her needs, his needs".

 

She needs the emotional connection to want sex and i need sex to feel the emotional connection.

This has been true statement for ever. I saw another thread by LadyJane and others here debating on this issue about wifes role in fulfilling husband's physical desire. Nobody has right answer to this. Someone gave an metaphor there saying that it is like you have been told "to eat home food only and are forbidden to eat outside food" and then they don't cook. What are we supposed to do? Starve? and for how long ? The thing is if you tell them that you would leave because you are starving then they would say "leave. I am helpless. I have this disability to Cook right now". They may also tell you that they don't care about the clause anymore and it is ok if we went and ate outside food. But just as their mind is not allowing them to "cook", our minds don't allow us to break the vows.

 

You did mention that you genuinely love her. For the sake of love, why don't you give her some more time ?

[Jrugby7]

I want to give her time. She doesn't want things to be wierd and waste time trying to work it out only to have it fail. I agree that me moving out might push her towards somone else but thats just the reality of things. She had an affair with me living there so whats the difference? I think she is done withOM but who knows. I can't monitor her at work, so maybe she does call him. Does separation ever help?

[jmargel]

Unless she wants to make this work, nothing you do will save this marriage. When you seperate it's not with the intention of 'getting back with her later'. It's for yourself, to start to see what else is out there. She has disrespected you, broken her vows to you and neglects you emotionally. Good chance she probably is still talking to him. They still work together, correct?

 

Personally I would be making her leave. She is the one that has done this, not you. There is no excuse for an affair. If she goes back to that OM or to another guy, then you have your true answer. She doesn't want to face the consequences of what happened and more importantly own upto her mistakes. I take it you are not drilling her everyday about the affair, right?

 

There is a time to talk about the affair and there is a time to work on being a couple again. I mean by going out, having fun and doing the things you like to do with each other. If you let the affair taint that and pass up the opportunities of having good times with each other because you are always harping on her about the affair then that will help contribute to destroy what is left.

[Jrugby7]

she does not work with him. he works somewhere else and coaches a team for the school. I never drill her about the affair. She doesn't want to talk about it and feels we have moved past it. Now all the attention is directed to what is wrong with us. We just don't have any fun together anymore. This is the time of the year when we are both very busy and i think its eventually going to break us.

 

I don't want to move out, but she doesn't want to either. yet we are both unhappy. So if someone has to move out i guess i will. I have told her 1000 times i want to work through this and be happy again but nothing ever helps. So whats the use in banging my head against a wall?

[jmargel]

You both need to find a common ground to start from. The attention should be not on what is wrong with you as a couple but what each of you can do to help improve the marriage. If you don't feel like you are getting anywhere w/ the MC, then find another!

 

Honestly seperation is not going to solve anything. Your problem is with communication so how do you think you are going to fix that by leaving? Only leave if you truly don't want to be married anymore. You both have to look at why this happened to begin with. I'm not saying it's your fault, what I'm trying to get at is her cheating was a result of something bigger. If you check out my link in my signature it might give ya some info.

 

Good chance she might be depressed? Usually depression is a cause for alot of problems in a relationship, however the relationship itself is not the sole reason why a person becomes depressed. Does she get enjoyment out of other things in life? What is her attitude about life in general? Not just the marriage.

 

You can tell her a million times that you want things to work out but when the same old keeps happening, that's all it amounts to is words. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results.

 

Look on the net for signs of depression, see if she exhibits any of those signs. Good chance this affair has finally put her into that ditch. You truly haven't gotten a reason why this has happened so your focus is probably on that right now and she is upset because she can't give you one either. She probably doesn't truly know why she did what she did, yet.

 

Also, let her come to you. Don't be mean or upset or threatening to leave. Just do your own thing, don't say 'I love you' first. Be kinda distant with her. She's not in the right state of mind right now so she needs time to clear her head, so the things she says right now, don't take them to heart. Would you say this cheating she's done, this is out of her personality? How about the way she is treating you? Has she always treated you like this? If not then something is going on inside of her. Tonight go home and just say this simple sentence, then let it drop. "You know I love you, and anytime you want to talk about anything I will be here to listen". Now you have the ball in her court, let her make the next move. It may be days or weeks before she does this, but good chance what you just told her is going to remain in her head.

 

In the mean time take care of yourself. This isn't going to be fixed within' a week or probably a few months. You need to have patience and show it and be there for her even when she's beating you down. That is what true love is about. However it's your decision when you have had enough. Unfortunetly we don't know how long it will take for her to come back to her senses. That part is upto you on how long you want to hold on.

[Jrugby7]

The lying and cheating is way out of her personality. She never used to treat me like this. we used to be a happy go lucky couple who enjoyed life together. A lot of things came out in MC that raise a red flag to me. THe resentment about us not breaking up and dating other people, her inability to make a choice and be satisfied. I will most likely go home and we will talk about things. Discuss me moving out and so on. My bet is that she wont want me too and we willtry and work on things. I am going to insist that we go to a new MC. I think there is something inside her that keeps her from being happy. Even her sisters have mentioned this to me. She just seems like nothing makes her happy and she seems to punish me for it.

[jmargel]

Then she needs to see a doctor about getting on anti-depressants. They are not the cure all, but gives her the ability to be able to think straight in the mean time. My wife is on Lexapro and when she's not taking it, I can see a big difference.

 

Ask her to make an appointment to see a doctor. Mention to her that you looked up signs of depression and you notice you fit alot of those categories. Say it in a way that won't make her feel defensive. Depression is a disease and unless it's treated like anything else, it'll only get worse.

 

It's a starting point, hopefully with the doctor he will suggest the same about her getting on some medication. If this is out of her personality then it can be fixed. It'll just take alot of time, counseling, love and patience. Things will get better however, just be persistant. Unless she says she wants out of this marriage then she still loves you, she still wants to be with you.