theediblewoman Posted August 23, 2017 Posted August 23, 2017 I have been with my bf for almost 5 years and I'm wondering whether or not it's time to part ways. I can't tell if I am just bored or if I am truly done with the relationship. I have been in relationships for most of my adult life 19-29 with only a few weeks in between relationships and lately I have been feeling the urge to just be by myself and also maybe explore other people on a more casual basis, but I also cannot see myself not having him around. We live together, we do a lot of the same activities and we are very supportive of one another. The idea of breaking up seems to physically hurt, but I still find myself wanting time away. I have had some flirtations with men that left me very tempted to go further, but stopped myself knowing that this would absolutely crush my partner. Another facet to this issue is that we hardly ever have sex as he feels self conscious about certain issues he has in that department. At first I was patient, but he seems unwilling to discuss things with me and I am craving that sort of attention. I'm just wondering if I walk away or stay. This is the kindest, most supportive and positive relationship I've ever been in and it's making me wonder if I am talking myself out of a pretty good relationship or if I just don't have the guts to call it quits. How do you know when to walk away from a relationship?
kendahke Posted August 23, 2017 Posted August 23, 2017 (edited) I think that you owe it to him and the relationship to sit him down and tell him exactly what you said above. Let him know that if he doesn't address his issues, that you are ending the relationship and moving on. Then that ball is in his court. If he's got issues he refuses to address, he cannot continue to be given passes that end up leaving you hanging. He's being unfair. If, after talking with him he makes absolutely no move towards addressing the issues, then you should put your plan of moving on without him into action. You would have at least given him a fair chance to get his isht together. For the time being, stop engaging other men. You're doing the GIGS thing. If you want to see what life is like on your own, then do that. Don't attempt to monkey-bar into a new relationship.. that's being disingenuous. Edited August 23, 2017 by kendahke 5
Author theediblewoman Posted August 23, 2017 Author Posted August 23, 2017 Thank you, I have stopped exposing myself to these situations because I know it's wrong and on top of that it is only adding to my confusion/ making me feel guilty. We have already discussed his issues, and he says he's working on it but he still won't talk to me and nothing really seems to change, so I guess maybe I have my answer...
d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2017 Posted August 23, 2017 I think you need to make a list the pros & cons of staying / breaking up. You also need a real answer to the old Ann Landers Q: would you be better off with him or without him? When you figure that out, you will know what to do.
kendahke Posted August 24, 2017 Posted August 24, 2017 We have already discussed his issues, and he says he's working on it but he still won't talk to me and nothing really seems to change, so I guess maybe I have my answer... No, I mean have you told him that if he continues to not produce any tangible results while shutting you out, you're going to end the relationship? Because in essence, he emotionally left the relationship when he did that. Giving you lip service with no proof that he's working on anything all the while being kept in the dark isn't acceptable if he has an expectation that you stick around and live in limbo while he does nothing. I'd start the process off by whittling down your things so that moving out won't be such an overwhelming task. Don't be surprised if he begins to arse himself somewhat--but by then, it will be too late because it shouldn't have taken you whittling down your possessions for him to catch a clue that you are serious about how he's proceeding. I'd still continue with moving out because I'd take it as an insult that he's more into keeping his comfort zone and not taking into consideration how his comfort zone makes you feel.
smackie9 Posted August 24, 2017 Posted August 24, 2017 I feel you both are just too scared to broach the subject but want to. There is a lack of attention for this relationship, no more nurturing or maintaining it. It's like you two just exist in each others presence. Muster up the courage to ask "what are we doing here?" and he will know exactly what you are talking about. I bet he will be relieved that he isn't the only one feeling it and will acknowledge that it's time to go your separate ways. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 25, 2017 Posted August 25, 2017 I always just think: would I be happier without this person not being in my life? For me the answer is nearly always yes It's actually pretty simple. 1
divegrl Posted August 25, 2017 Posted August 25, 2017 Hi!!!! You've been with this man for 5 years. This is the kindest, most supportive and positive relationship you've been in. I really think you owe it to yourself, and him, to take some time and think about this before making a decision. May I suggest counseling, or couples counseling, to help work thru your thoughts and emotions. As well as how to communicate with each other. This is a lot to walk away from, just because you feel bored. Good luck my friend!!!!
kendahke Posted August 25, 2017 Posted August 25, 2017 I really think you owe it to yourself, and him, to take some time and think about this before making a decision. May I suggest counseling, or couples counseling, to help work thru your thoughts and emotions. As well as how to communicate with each other. From OP's: Another facet to this issue is that we hardly ever have sex as he feels self conscious about certain issues he has in that department. At first I was patient, but he seems unwilling to discuss things with me and I am craving that sort of attention. We have already discussed his issues, and he says he's working on it but he still won't talk to me and nothing really seems to change Being buds is cool--if all you want it to be someone's platonic play buddy that you do fun stuff with while you live in the friendzone; but that shouldn't be rewarded with sexual exclusivity and loyalty when they entered into a romantic relationship with you then flipped the script on you on top of thinking that you should just accept that treatment and stay put. Absolutely not. 1
Robratory Posted August 25, 2017 Posted August 25, 2017 I have been with my bf for almost 5 years and I'm wondering whether or not it's time to part ways. I can't tell if I am just bored or if I am truly done with the relationship. I have been in relationships for most of my adult life 19-29 with only a few weeks in between relationships and lately I have been feeling the urge to just be by myself and also maybe explore other people on a more casual basis, but I also cannot see myself not having him around. We live together, we do a lot of the same activities and we are very supportive of one another. The idea of breaking up seems to physically hurt, but I still find myself wanting time away. I have had some flirtations with men that left me very tempted to go further, but stopped myself knowing that this would absolutely crush my partner. Another facet to this issue is that we hardly ever have sex as he feels self conscious about certain issues he has in that department. At first I was patient, but he seems unwilling to discuss things with me That's when you walk away from a relationship, whether it's a week old or ten years old. Without communication, you don't have a partner. 2
maxi105 Posted August 25, 2017 Posted August 25, 2017 hi there, just a quick one, this relationship sounds stale and you sound bored of it, however there are 2 people here so its a good idea to talk to him and let him know how you feel about things now. in relationships from your late teens for a while non stop sounds exhausting. so im sure this is adding to how you feel. maybe the best thing to do is to tell him you want a break for a while and be honest in telling him that you are bored with things and that you dont want pressure to be made to stay, you just need time to think; and if you can be with him he must make more of an effort, and if youve had time to think and you;d rather spread your wings then be clear to him your decision is on that youve thought about and it is time to go. i think you deffinately need space from things as they are. if you are meant to be you will really know and miss him (not from the habits of having him round the place, but really know he is the only one for you and you see a future that can make you happy together). my gut feeling is though that 5 years and you are still bored and have flirted with others may mean that you want more than this lovely man can give you. a kind loving relationship is wonderful if thats all you are content with, but i feel as though you are wantign a bit more fire 9and i dont mean sexual puerly here) just someone that challenges your thinking, someone who you can explore and will offer you new things in this older stage of your life. i may be wrong and if i am and you get back to working things though, great. but i dont know why, but i feel there is a hint of i want a bit more in your post. either way, only you will know if you take some time out and give it real thought away from the pressure of his emotions, your daily routines with him, and pressure from mates. can you go on a holiday with a good trusted freind and just talk with someone that there is no relationship potential with but who knows you very well nad you can trust. i think someone that knows you but who has no alteria motive for him or against him will hopefully give you more of a clue as if you are really happy. but best of luck with this. if it were me, by 5 years if i felt i didnt know this was the one, id want to take myself away for a while and think, if still i didnt know, i would probably end it and look to a new chapter with someone else and be open to what might be. see ya. maxi.
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