Should I still fight for him? !

[Maldives]

I always thought it was more the woman who did the dumping...

[mousse]

I got dumped three timesin my life and I remember that each time at first, I was hoping forthe guy's come back too...I hung on to that hope for a long, longtime thinking things like 'if it's meant to be it will be' or thequote 'absence is to love what wind is to fire it extinguishes thesmall and inflames the great'. It was the 'silver lining' for meduring a dark time. I waited for a long while for my ex to come backand at some point, I contacted them and it didn't lead to anythinggood.

 

 

I think now, I look backand I wonder to myself: 'it doesn't make sense why I wanted thoseguys so badly even though by breaking up with me, they clearly showed me that they didn't wantme. Why do we chase after people who reject us? It doesn't makesense, right? We should go after people who love us back.' But I onlylearned that lesson after three bad break ups, lol.

 

 

I had one man come backto me after I dumped him. In that case, we were really, really intoeach other at the time. He had done something bad and that's why Ileft him. I still loved him when I broke up with him. He chased mefor a long while and he came back after almost 3 months NC. It's theonly time it happened to me that a guy comes back and chases me likethat. Usually, when men leave me, they leave me for good and theydon't come back, which is quite violent I think. At least, it givesme the chance to grieve properly.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think it's gender specific.

 

That said you make emotional decisions. You donated $4,000 worth of furniture just to not see him again? You would have been better served paying $500 to have professional movers pick it up.

 

In this unusual situation I suppose there might be a chance he comes back. He freaked when he learned about your medical condition. That was unfortunate that he wasn't man enough to support you in your true hour of need. Knowing he's that unreliable I hope that is what you meant by this being a blessing in disguise. How are you to trust him to not turn tail & run at the next crisis? That said, he may be done having his freak out & he may now understand that on balance you are the best thing that happened to him.

 

If you are willing to take him back, reach out & set up a time to talk. Maybe you will get really lucky & he didn't give away your furniture yet.

[olivetree]

Regardless of who did the breaking up, I have never gotten back together with someone after NC.

 

It was always after low contact.

 

No one has ever NC'd me.

[Lphan301]

Donnavain;

 

If he dumped me, shouldn't he be the one to reached out instead of me? He did told me he didn't love me anymore leading to the breakup. I do have another if reservation but I do know he's the type that would do give me breadcrumbs or be misleading. That was one of the reason I fell in love with him because I never have to questioned where I stand. That's why I have no idea why he called me to check up on me- maybe just be nice but I'm looking in it too much.

 

As for the furnitures, I know it was based on emotional but at the same time there's was some logic reason to donating it. He asked me to leave so abruptly that I end up having to move in with my sister. She doesn't have room here to stored my furnitures. On top of that, due to all my future doctor appointments, my current employer terminated my position. So now, I'm financially unstable and emotionally stable. I prepping for my heart surgery on the next few months so I know I will be here with my sister for awhile for the support. That's why I made a quick decision to donate it because I don't really know when I'm going to get back on my feet again..

[SevenCity]

He sounds like a pretty crappy guy to leave you at your lowest. That said, you can't just turn off your feelings for someone as will be suggested by many posters here.

 

To answer your question, it depends....on how close you were, the reasons for the breakup, and the type of person they are.

 

I've heard it work for many people but just because they break NC doesn't mean they want you back. It's often for selfish reasons (ego or guilt). I think that's why many recommend blocking them forever.

 

NC is meant to break the addiction to them by disassociating them from your life. Over time your brain begins to form new pathways / memories that no longer include them and allows you to heal. Think of quitting heroine only to have a slip up one weekend. Starts the cycle all over again like you never quit.

 

Sadly, if they do come back it's usually too late.

 

Do your best to get well and realize if someone bolts when things get tough they don't really love you. As you heal you'll begin to see that clearer.

[Cam1]

Do they come back after hard N/C?

 

My question is .. Do you think there's a higher chance of men dumpers comes back than women dumpers?

 

I'm going with no. I think if anything, IF a dumper comes back, it's more likely when they're a woman. I've broken things off with a couple guys in my distant past, one I eventually came back around for and it was too late. But I think that's because women are more logical.

 

I think men dumpers don't come back, at least in my experience. I got dumped the first week of august. Strict N/C since. Not a word from him. Why is this? I think when a guy does the dumping, he's over it long before he opens his mouth to end things.

 

NC is for your pride and your sanity. Why want someone who doesn't want you? As time goes on you also start to think...If what we had was so great, then he would be feeling it too, and he wouldn't have left. Therefore, it either a. wasnt that great. or 2. He did not appreciate what we had.

 

And the circumstances under which he broke up with you are unacceptable. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[SevenCity]

I'm going with no. I think if anything, IF a dumper comes back, it's more likely when they're a woman. I've broken things off with a couple guys in my distant past, one I eventually came back around for and it was too late. But I think that's because women are more logical.

I think men dumpers don't come back, at least in my experience. I got dumped the first week of august. Strict N/C since. Not a word from him. Why is this? I think when a guy does the dumping, he's over it long before he opens his mouth to end things.

 

NC is for your pride and your sanity. Why want someone who doesn't want you? As time goes on you also start to think...If what we had was so great, then he would be feeling it too, and he wouldn't have left. Therefore, it either a. wasnt that great. or 2. He did not appreciate what we had.

 

And the circumstances under which he broke up with you are unacceptable. I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao: Since when?!?!?!? I must have missed that memo....

[d0nnivain]

I took the breadcrumb as him reaching out. Given the unusual circumstances -- his seeming inability to deal with your illness -- I was earing on the side of optimism & hoping for you that the breadcrumb was him testing the waters to see if he'd be welcome. Since you know he's unreliable, take him back at your own risk.

 

 

I assume you don't live in the US. It's illegal under the ADA & the FMLA to fire somebody who needs to go to the doctor. If you are in the US, consult a lawyer immediately.

[Lphan301]

I'm in a middle of a heart break myself. Ive been reading so many thread about NC. I had posted a couple of thread about my BU for insight and advice. I guess I'm in the midst of battling with my heart and my brain trying to remembered how it went down and trying to either take the blame all or justified everything. Everything seem like a blurred to me. I went HARD NC immediately, he dumped me and I'm on day 46 NC. There were 2 short text contact. One text was 3 days after I moved out what to do with the rest of my stuff. 2nd contact was 2 weeks later he called but I missed the phone call not on purpose but I was working. He didn't left a voicemail or a text. So the next day, I text very simple asking if he want to call back since I'm available now. He replied shortly, that he was wondering how I'm doing and hope all was well with me. No questions was asked from his end to engage a conversation. So I replied with an answered and wish him well also. The 2nd contact was 3 weeks ago.

 

So here I am contemplating... I read a few forum about dumpee pushing the dumper to dumped them in other words (forced dumpee) In that case, the dumpee should reach out for reconciling not the dumper.. what's your guys intake on this?????

 

I'm not sure my breakup is like that because my heart and brain is all screwed up at the moment. i don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm the dumpee so I having massive amount of guilt and thinking maybe I had pushed him over the edge and he had no choice to dumped me. I'm going to see a therapy weekly to help me coped and it's really hard to see things clear when I'm feeling like $h%t.

[basil67]

I do not agree that there is a "forced dumper". To me, it's just a phrase people use to make themselves feel like a victim of circumstance rather than embracing the fact that they were able to be proactive about what they want in their lives.

 

No matter what the circumstance, the onus is ALWAYS on the dumper to seek reconciliation. If they wanted out, they must be the one who asks to come back. That said, I doubt many dumpers do ask for another try - especially if they are really done when they end it.

[Lphan301]

Thank you basil for your insight. In my cases we just had so many changes in our life abruptly one after and another and we couldn't catch a break. The minute we were able to tackle something another issues arise. They were all big life decision that were adding more pressure and stress for both of us. I end being hospitalized due to some meds, and found out I have an underlying heart issues. I think that was the straw that broke the camel back. I felt like deep in my heart he wanted space to decompress everything and I was feeling needy to the fact I was recently diagnosed. I believe it was to much for him to handled cause we were in the midst of; just sold our place, thinking where we should move, his new job is 2 hours away, my job is in the valley still, do we live separated but still together so his drive wouldn't be brutal.. etc.., I hAve no idea..

[Redhead14]

"Forced dumper" is really just sabotage . . . they do or say something that the know would make the other person dump them so that they don't have to do the dirty work -- i.e. initiate a break up. They don't have to feel guilty . . .