I'm sad, it might be time to call it quits [Updated]

[blooreguardqk]

Kinda long and really venty.

 

It kinda sucks since I just fired got last week at work so breaking up will hit me extra hard. It's already been a tough few weeks so this definitely won't help. I'm afraid I'll go into a depression.

 

But I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. We're each other's first serious relationships. We're very opposite people. Me, emotional and socially awkward. Him, logical and cold and very much a social butterfly. I love him for a lot of reasons, mostly he has a lot of traits I would aspire to have. He's very concrete on who he is and what he believes in. I'm very wishy washy and have low self esteem. He's so smart too. I'm honestly very ditzy, there's no hiding it lol. But lately I'm so unhappy with how things are.

 

I had two very close friends in the past few years that I've cut ties with. One for leaving me stranded at a festival in NYC and leaving me to find my way home on my own. She acted like it was no big deal and it was my fault. The other I was way closer with, but every time we went drinking she always held me responsible for her actions. Apparently if I didn't stop her from being ****ty to other people it was my fault and I was a bad friend. I shouldn't have to baby sit every time I want a drink.

 

I still have friends but I can't count on them to hang out and stuff as much as I would like due to busy schedules. This lead me to want to hang out with my boyfriend more. And being a lonely person who likes to have everyone there, I ended up wanting to spend all my free time with him. He said this made me clingy, so I backed off a bit and started hanging out on my own. Apparently it wasn't enough, and I'm still clingy. Now if I want to hang out I'm afraid to ask since I don't want to be seen as needy or clingy. Being I lost my job I have so much free time on my hands, it kinda sucks. I get bored. I play a lot of civ and watch supernatural a lot but sometimes I need human contact. I feel like I shouldn't have to feel so insecure about hanging out with my own boyfriend, but I do. I feel like it were up to him, we'd only see each other on the weekends.

 

I suffer from anxiety as well. It came up Sunday night when we were at a friend's party and I had a few jello shots and it crept up on me. I threw up on our friend's new couch. My boyfriend was really kind and switched clothes with me so I wouldn't have to walk around in clothes I threw up in. That was honestly the nicest thing anyone's done for me. But when we were alone, he got upset with me for "ruining the mood" and made me feel bad about the whole situation. I mean, I didn't get sick on purpose. Said he was going to take me home and end the night there. Everyone was really nice about it and understanding so it's not like I stopped the party? They all said they've been there and party continued on after we left.

 

He saw he was making me upset and apologized for over-reacting and we hung out at his house for a while and cuddled and basically made up. He went to play games on his computer and I played on the PS4. We were going to bed and I had a panic attack over him being cold towards me even though we already made up. I ended up crying and he told me to let him sleep and deal with it on my own. I was really hurt by it. He said there was nothing he could do to help me and it would all be pointless, so there's no reason he should waste time over it. He said I wouldn't be allowed to sleep over at his house anymore on weekdays because I keep him up for **** like this. Idk, he didn't seem willing to be understanding. It just made my anxiety worse and I ended up going outside to calm myself. Didn't really get any sleep until 6am then I had to get up with him at 7am so he could take me home on the way to work.

 

That morning he apologized and admitted he was being an ******* and that he wasn't mad at me. He explained that his sleep was very important since it affects how his day goes. I understand that, but all I wanted was to be hugged and told it was okay. Instead he basically told me to **** off. We kind of made up.

 

He's been kind of distant since then though. Like no interest in anything that's going on with me. Hasn't texted me all day. I feel like I ****ed up and he's pulling away. I asked him if we could talk this weekend and open up lines of communication and he did say yes. I asked him if I could come over tonight and say hi to him but he said he wanted to be alone tonight. Seems like a bad sign but maybe he just needs space?

 

Depending on how this weekend goes I might break up with him. I want someone who actually wants to spend time with me. When I first backed off with spending too much time with him, I thought I was doing well. Not flipping out when he doesn't text me back. Not asking whenever I had free time, spreading it out. Once I told him I missed him and he was like, "I saw you 3 days ago, I don't miss you at all. it's no big deal." I was really hurt by that. He's so honest to a fault, but a little tact would've gone a long way at that point. **** like this hurts me.

 

I feel like nothing I do will make him happy with who I am. I shouldn't feel this anxious and insecure in a relationship. I am clingy, but I'm working on it. He's a really good guy and I know cares for me. I was talking to my friend today about possibly breaking up with him and she said i shouldn't and maybe it just needs time and there's no one out there. She always has bad luck in dating and the guys she goes out with treat her badly, so I don't think she's a good person to listen to.

 

I don't want to make it seem like there's nothing good about the relationship. Our conversations are still great to have and our sense of humors really mesh so good. We go to the gym together. I've never been so comfortable with anyone in my life. He says the same. We haven't been going out much since we're both saving money but we have had so many memorable adventures together, had many firsts together.

 

Don't really know what to do.

[d0nnivain]

Don't make any decisions right now in your depressed state of mind.

 

Stop playing on the computer & watching TV. Use your time to search for another job. You need to be sending in resumes every day; you need to be going to job fairs; you need to be networking with people who can get you a job.

 

In the meantime to keep yourself busy & to stop you from wallowing, while you have all this time on your hands, volunteer somewhere. Do something that you can add to your resume.

 

When you get a new job, then you can reassess the relationship with a clear mind.

 

Drink less. Don't get sick to your stomach. But do be grateful he switched clothes with you and then took you home safely. Any coldness was probably a grossness factor. Who wants to kiss somebody who just puked even if you did brush?

[blooreguardqk]

Don't make any decisions right now in your depressed state of mind.

 

Stop playing on the computer & watching TV. Use your time to search for another job. You need to be sending in resumes every day; you need to be going to job fairs; you need to be networking with people who can get you a job.

 

In the meantime to keep yourself busy & to stop you from wallowing, while you have all this time on your hands, volunteer somewhere. Do something that you can add to your resume.

 

When you get a new job, then you can reassess the relationship with a clear mind.

 

Drink less. Don't get sick to your stomach. But do be grateful he switched clothes with you and then took you home safely. Any coldness was probably a grossness factor. Who wants to kiss somebody who just puked even if you did brush?

 

Of course! lol. I immediately took a shower and listerened and brushed my mouth all out all out. I immediately ruled out any form of sex for the night I think me vomitting at a party is so unsexy. I probably read too much into it and worked my self up. :/ Honestly a huge flaw of mine and it's probably why my boyfriend is pulling away. Mountains out of molehills or even nothing, actually.

 

I am working on applying places, but I still need to get a lot of paperwork in order since I work for healthcare. Vaccines and updating certifcations. It's a waiting game at this point since any place I apply requires all that. I spend most mornings and afternoons applying to random jobs that I might wanna try out and updating certifcations online. It's evenings that get lonely. I get out and hang out with friends when they're available, go to the gym and take my dog on long walks. But idk, it's always nice to have someone to come home to.

 

I've always wanted to share my life with someone. Just kinda sucks having to ask for affection and someone's time and feel like a nuisance. I feel like that should be a natural occurring thing in a relationship. Maybe I just have a hard time being alone. I also suspect we don't match up with how much time we spend with other, me needing it more.

 

Volunteering is a good idea though, since I do want to change careers into something animal related. Would love to be at a shelter.

Edited August 22, 2017 by blooreguardqk

[HarmonyDriven]

 

....I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. We're each other's first serious relationships. We're very opposite people.

 

 

IMO, your boyfriend might not be the right guy for you. This is not to say something is wrong with him or you.

 

You are very opposite (your words.) I don't think you are clingy. You like a lot of communication, in person communication....nothing wrong with this. I have known guys who are the same way. Some people are fine in a relationship with seeing each other 2 days per week, while others want to see each other every day. The latter might be viewed as clingy but only if one partner defines it that way.

 

While your boyfriend seems like a good guy, he may not be the right guy for you. It doesn't sound like he is meeting YOUR needs. And quite frankly, you might not be meeting his needs as well.

 

Good, solid relationships that work are not suppose to be this difficult.

 

Don't let your friend(s) tell you there are no good guys out there.....because they would be wrong.

 

Good luck

[Redhead14]

A person should never make life altering/big decisions during a time of crisis. Being fired is one of the biggest you can face. When you are in the frame of mind you are in, any other issues will seem bigger or worse than they might really be.

 

Sit back a little and deal with the job loss and focus on looking for another. Even if your BF is looking for a little space, it will be good for YOU. Focus on your immediate personal needs right now and observe what your BF does in a few days. He may be experiencing some extra stress because of your frame of mind and situation.

 

In other words, deal with one thing at a time. The BF situation does not have to be addressed right now. If you compound your problems and struggle with anxiety, you may be pushed to your limit.

Edited August 23, 2017 by Redhead14

[Maldives]

He is a lil cold but I know where that's coming from his stressed re work and doesn't wanna be tired. Still he needs to kinda meet u in the middle somewhere I suggest couples therapy as his unaware how his behaviour is affecting u I guarantee it. Ur never gonna find the perfect guy that ticks all the boxes however he does need to become aware how it's impacting u it's wen there's no motivation whatsoever on his end talk about how it makes u feel without the crying tho and just be matte of fact that it's starting to hurt the relationship. I wouldn't do anything drastic like ending it his behaviour is cold but I'm thinking it's stress related he wants to be ready for work that type of thing. My partner use to do that pick the worst moments to talk and we'd be up all night the next day was a mess at work.

[blooreguardqk]

Honestly, it's really nice to hear how different people of different backgrounds see things. It's really refreshing.

 

Maybe going for a break up might be rash. It's not just the stuff i mentioned up above that make me unhappy, but I have until the weekend to think about things and see what changes until then. Things are amicable and he sent me a picture of a rabbit in his yard. He bought me the cutest bunny at a flea market. It lives in my room now, just hopping around.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I do put a lot of pressure on him. Though all I really want though is a sign of affection without me having to ask. A sign that tells me that I'm important. I don't really get those. I hate having to ask, it makes me feel like such a nag.

 

I'm not sure if asking for a break instead would be a bad idea. That way he gets his space and I can see what it's like for a little while and I'd have no choice but to focus on myself. I hear breaks usually just lead to break ups though.

 

Just overthinking at this point lol.

Edited August 23, 2017 by blooreguardqk

[ExpatInItaly]

Breaks don't usually work. Don't suggest that, unless you really want to be single.

 

I am curious, has he always been on the un-affectionate side? Or is a recent change?

 

How often do you see each other, and how often would you prefer to meet? You might just have incompatible relationship styles and expectations. He sounds frustrated, and I am not saying this is all your fault, but it may just come down to wanting different things.

[blooreguardqk]

Breaks don't usually work. Don't suggest that, unless you really want to be single.

 

I am curious, has he always been on the un-affectionate side? Or is a recent change?

 

How often do you see each other, and how often would you prefer to meet? You might just have incompatible relationship styles and expectations. He sounds frustrated, and I am not saying this is all your fault, but it may just come down to wanting different things.

 

Maybe a few months now? Probably when he started saying i was clingy. And I don't have to see him every day. We spend every weekend together, Friday nights into Sunday. Sometimes Monday mornings. Sometimes I'd like to see him midweek and he says there's nothing wrong with that but then something will come up and he will bring it up and kind of hold it against me. I get confused over this.

[d0nnivain]

Clingy isn't only measured by the # of days you spend together. It's a function of how you act overall.

 

When you feel off balance because of something like the loss of a job it's easier to fall into a clingy state because your self esteem took a hit.

 

You might not even be clingy. It can be an insult certain people throw around any time their SO wants to spend time with them but they want to be left alone.

[blooreguardqk]

To add on, he's still sweet. He still does a lot for me. I just noticed its wanted over time and now it's barely there. I'm the most affectionate person ever, super touchy feely. People always say I'm a lovebug. Maybe it's too much for him to handle? But that's just my personality.

 

When we were first dating, he did say he wasnt an emotional person and something died in him when he was young. His mother said the same to me. His father died when he was young and his family wouldn't even let him in the house to say good bye and literally stole all the finances and anything worth money his dad left him. So he put up walls.

[blooreguardqk]

It's a function of how you act overall.

 

I can definitely say that I don't handle my emotions well and it takes a toll on him. I've been trying to be better about it, just hoping it's not too late. I have an appointment to talk to my doctor about my anxiety, so let's see how that goes.

[ExpatInItaly]

I can definitely say that I don't handle my emotions well and it takes a toll on him. I've been trying to be better about it, just hoping it's not too late. I have an appointment to talk to my doctor about my anxiety, so let's see how that goes.

 

Can you elaborate? What do you say or do when you are upset? How does he react?

[olivetree]

To add on, he's still sweet. He still does a lot for me. I just noticed its wanted over time and now it's barely there. I'm the most affectionate person ever, super touchy feely. People always say I'm a lovebug. Maybe it's too much for him to handle? But that's just my personality.

 

When we were first dating, he did say he wasnt an emotional person and something died in him when he was young. His mother said the same to me. His father died when he was young and his family wouldn't even let him in the house to say good bye and literally stole all the finances and anything worth money his dad left him. So he put up walls.

 

I don't think he is right for you.

Similarities on affection and time together are a huge part of compatibility.

 

I think you should find someone as affectionate as you that loves spending as much time with you as you with them.

Guys like that are definitely out there!

 

It sounds like you might need a little more time to go one way or the other, but just know that if you decide to end this relationship, I do think you will find someone that fits you better.

[blooreguardqk]

Can you elaborate? What do you say or do when you are upset? How does he react?

 

I tend to cry and talk about whatever is bothering me at the time. I think that confuses and bothers him. I tell him it's just how I deal with things and it usually leads me to feeling better after a cry, but he hates it when I do. So he tells me to think more positive but I can tell it really bothers him. Sometimes he gets mad. Says he will only cry if he's in a super bad place so I must be feeling terrible.

 

I do agree that we might not be a good match. I think I've known that for a while and was just denying it. :/ I don't think I'll be breaking up with him this weekend, but I feel like I'm weak for not doing so.

Edited August 24, 2017 by blooreguardqk

[blooreguardqk]

Hello!

 

Here's an update!

 

So the past week, contact was really slow. He wasn't really responding. I ended up calling him last night, upset that he had been ignoring me. He begged me to let us talk about it tomorrow and I was angry but I said fine.

 

He came over with my stuff today. Apparently he had been thinking of the same thing. His eyes were red and clearly he'd been crying. He wrote me a beautiful letter and read it aloud to me. Apparently he had been writing that letter when I called him last night. Basically it says that he couldn't love me as much as I loved him, even though he did love me a lot. That he needed to grow as a person in order to give me the best that I deserved. That it wasn't fair to me that he couldn't match the passion I had for him. And that we should end it on a high note so we don't hate each other and ruin all the good memories we have of each other and end up hating each other.

 

We basically cried in each other's arms for two hours and poured our hearts out. I learned some new stuff about him, like how he was battling depression. He hid that so well It was a good talk, we both really needed it. We decided would always be friends and be there for each other if anything ever arises. Maybe more than friends later on if we're both ready for it, but for now we just need some time apart. We just both need to grow as people if we want a future together.

 

He needs to work on taking down his walls and letting people in his head more. I need to learn how deal with my anxiety in a healthy way and learn how to be independent.

 

Honestly one of the nicest break ups I've had. I'm just happy we ended on good terms and can be friends in the future. I can't ask for more than that. I'm happy and I feel lucky he was my first boyfriend. We may have had issues but I don't regret any of it. I feel at peace. Now I have a clean slate!

[HarmonyDriven]

Hello!

 

Here's an update!

 

Honestly one of the nicest break ups I've had. I'm just happy we ended on good terms and can be friends in the future. I can't ask for more than that. I'm happy and I feel lucky he was my first boyfriend. We may have had issues but I don't regret any of it. I feel at peace. Now I have a clean slate!

 

 

You will always have fond memories of him. Glad to hear the break up was on good terms.

 

My boyfriend (now ex) broke up a couple of months ago after 3 years together. We broke up on good terms. Although, I need to go no contact as it is the best way for me to move on. I have a lot of wonderful memories and no regrets. Our relationship ran its course which is probably what happened to yours. I, too have a clean slate and look forward to the future.

 

Good luck

[blooreguardqk]

Thank you! Good luck to you too!

 

This was the hardest thing I've done in my life, but I think waiting and dreading for it was the worst. I think I've gotten what I needed from him, proof that I was important in his life. He spent a long time crying and mourning our relationship with me, I was proven wrong about what I thought about him. He's not as uncaring as I thought. It's just a shame it comes out at the end of the relationship, but what can you do. The fact that he was so thoughtful and kind through out the whole thing helps bring me closure.

 

The future is indeed very bright, even though my heart hurts like a bitch.

[blooreguardqk]

So hey.

 

We broke up last Friday. He broke up with me. We spoke a lot and said we both wouldn't be dating or seeing anyone for a while and we would just work on ourselves.

 

Last night, I was feeling super down and re-downloaded tinder and updated my profile. I didn't have any intention of going through with anything and didn't even talk to anyone. I had a weak moment and I just wanted the validation from it, that someone out there wants me. I felt sick even being on it and just deleted it off my phone after updating it.

 

Anyway, he messaged me this afternoon. Basically said that he was about to message me to get back together but his friend showed me his tinder profile so I must have moved on. He didn't seem mad, but he said he was just shocked. He said that he finally took our relationship status off facebook and that this was why, not just some random reason.

 

I explained to him that it was just a fleeting thought and I needed a quick ego boost after being down all day. He said that I should have texted him instead, not a random dude and I shouldn't be looking for validation in places that doesn't matter since I'm such a great girl. I feel like I shouldn't be texting him since we broke up. Seems like going backwards. He said he's still on the fence but he'll think about this more but with more logic and not just emotion and that he can't believe me 100% since he just found out by chance. I told him it's fine, I wasn't going to try to convince him of anything. In my head, I knew he had a lot of friends and we live in a small state so I knew he would find out anyway. I can see it from his point of view though. It must've felt ****ty. I said I wouldn't date anyone for a while and it hasn't even been a full week yet and I'm already on tinder.

 

Honestly, I haven't been dealing with this break up very well and I told him so and I made a mistake by going back on tinder. I said I also need more time with myself since I clearly can't deal with being on my own well yet, so I can't be with him right now even if he still wanted to get back together.

 

We talked a little bit more about stuff, little updates in our lives that happened since we've broken up. He said his aunt cried over us breaking up. I told him my mom invited him to my sister's birthday party. We both agreed that wasn't the best idea, lmao. Apparently he misses me and regrets his decision.

 

I just don't really know how I'm feeling about the whole situation. I feel like he has no right to hold it against me since he's the one who wanted to break up. But at the same time, he's right. I shouldn't be looking for validation from people who don't matter. It goes against what I'm trying to do with becoming a more independent person. And I feel like I ****ed up and missed an opportunity to get back with him. Idk.

Edited August 30, 2017 by blooreguardqk

[blooreguardqk]

Would just like some outside opinion and people to talk to.

[SunnyWeather]

You did nothing wrong, he broke up with you. Stop being so hard on yourself. You owe him nothing and he's a turd for shaming you. Block him while you're at it and give him allllll the time he needs to figure his shyte out, and let him squirm.

 

Do what you need to do and not seek his approval anymore.

 

sorry for your loss, but you can do better

 

(((hugs)))

Edited August 30, 2017 by SunnyWeather

[SunnyWeather]

and another thing: how do you know it was his 'friend' who saw you on Tinder and not him???

[Zahara]

He chose to break up with you. He doesn't get to dictate what you decide for yourself anymore. I have a feeling he's hammering down on you because it takes the guilt off him and puts the blame on you.

 

If you both are going to work on yourselves, then the best way to do that is to go NC and allow time and space to take you where it needs to -- you don't stay in each other's lives as emotional crutches.

[stillafool]

 

 

I said I also need more time with myself since I clearly can't deal with being on my own well yet, so I can't be with him right now even if he still wanted to get back together.

 

 

If this is true you are definitely doing the right thing by not going back to him because it is important to be able to enjoy your own company and be happy independent of a relationship with a man.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's pretty manipulative, huh?

 

He has zero right to give you a hard time about this. He dumped you, thus forfeiting his role of validating you when you feel down. Expecting you to turn to him for that now is laughable.

 

I have a feeling he's just toying with you because his ego is bruised. Sure, he's telling you now that he wanted you back..so why did it take you being on Tinder to let you know that? I call BS on him. I think he's just trying to make you feel guilty so he can make himself feel better. It's games.