confused72857 Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 Dating BF for almost 5 years. Always been something bothering me about him - I found he wasn't always truthful to me, especially about finances. I got disgusted and broke up several times but somehow we reconcile because we do love each other. However, he is financially broke and irresponsible but is trying to improve. He lost his job and is trying hard to find a new one. In the meanwhile, he wants me to hold on exclusively with him until he finds a new job, at which point he wants to marry me. We don't go out in public much since he wants to keep this "under wraps" until he gets back on his feet. I am very financially settled and extremely responsible when it comes to finances. I had met someone else who is very established and has many qualities but the relationship does not have the "spice" of my other bf; but I do enjoy his company and he wants only an exclusive relationship as well. How long should I hold on to my prior bf or do I just need to break up?? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 I say kick him while he's down for greater effect, and don't give it a second thought. You're such a sweetheart. He doesn't deserve you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 No one can answer that question but you. Do you want love or to make sure you are financially secure? That is the question you have to ask yourself and answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 (edited) Dating BF for almost 5 years. Always been something bothering me about him - I found he wasn't always truthful to me, especially about finances. I got disgusted and broke up several times but somehow we reconcile because we do love each other. However, he is financially broke and irresponsible but is trying to improve. He lost his job and is trying hard to find a new one. In the meanwhile, he wants me to hold on exclusively with him until he finds a new job, at which point he wants to marry me. We don't go out in public much since he wants to keep this "under wraps" until he gets back on his feet. I am very financially settled and extremely responsible when it comes to finances. I had met someone else who is very established and has many qualities but the relationship does not have the "spice" of my other bf; but I do enjoy his company and he wants only an exclusive relationship as well. How long should I hold on to my prior bf or do I just need to break up?? You've already been holding on for 5 years, how long do you want to keep stringing yourself along? irresponsible -- He's 65 years old. Irresponsible is kinda built into him now, isn't it. It's really hard to teach an old dog new tricks. We don't go out in public much since he wants to keep this "under wraps" -- I don't know what you mean by that but a guy who doesn't want the world to know about his relationship with a woman says he's not too serious about anything. Financial accuity/attitude is a key element for a successful relationship. It's been 5 years, several breaks over that subject. This dog ain't changing and you don't want to be the one who cleans up his poop or gets pooped on while he's digging himself out of the financial hole he will find himself in or already is in. While he's looking for a job, his finances will suffer. Do you know the whole picture yet? Do you know his credit score? What his credit card balances are? Does he have any loans? Do you know what bills he's behind on already? Do you know if he has any savings or annuities? Does he have any pension coming from previous employment? If you two are considering marriage, there needs to be complete transparency between you. A man who is not financially secure by the time he is 65, isn't likely to be able to build that in the time he has left on this earth. My sense is that he is hoping to marry you so that you will be his meal ticket in old age . . . You may find that you are his geriatric sugar mama. Edited August 22, 2017 by Redhead14 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 I agree with Redhead. I've worked too hard in my life to spend my golden years with a man who is irresponsible, broke, trying to find a job at 65 years old, and wanting to "hide me away" until he gets a job and we can get married. Sorry, not going to happen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 You need to start analyzing this with your head not your heart or your lady parts. This man has lied to you, especially about finances. You have broken up before & gotten back together. That is a sign of a dysfunctional relationship that is not working. He's chronically unemployed which is unlikely to change at his age. Him wanting to hide the relationship is a sign that he's probably cheating with you or otherwise using you. Other then he gets your juices flowing & you claim to love him, there are no valid logical reasons to stay with this man. You need to slap yourself upside the head & realize that love doesn't fix all. This man is an albatross. Stay with him at your own risk. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Stephen44 Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 Well I think you need to decide what's more important to you : Vanilla security Expensive spice The poor guy sounds honorable if he wantif a job before getting married. But know what you may be getting into--if he has a debt or pension coming. Cheers, 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 Dating BF for almost 5 years. Always been something bothering me about him - I found he wasn't always truthful to me, especially about finances. I got disgusted and broke up several times but somehow we reconcile because we do love each other. However, he is financially broke and irresponsible but is trying to improve. He lost his job and is trying hard to find a new one. In the meanwhile, he wants me to hold on exclusively with him until he finds a new job, at which point he wants to marry me. We don't go out in public much since he wants to keep this "under wraps" until he gets back on his feet. I am very financially settled and extremely responsible when it comes to finances. I had met someone else who is very established and has many qualities but the relationship does not have the "spice" of my other bf; but I do enjoy his company and he wants only an exclusive relationship as well. How long should I hold on to my prior bf or do I just need to break up?? You are not clear with us... what did he do that was so disgusting? The only thing you bring up is finances. Is your decision to dump a poor guy and jump to a rich guy your resolve? How about you stay single a while after the breakup and take time to heal rather than monkey branch. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maldives Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 You are not clear with us... what did he do that was so disgusting? The only thing you bring up is finances. Is your decision to dump a poor guy and jump to a rich guy your resolve? How about you stay single a while after the breakup and take time to heal rather than monkey branch. I agree wth sweetfush pretty low tactic on ur behalf so u wait till u have someone else lined up what's that say about u? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 OP, how old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 Dating BF for almost 5 years. Always been something bothering me about him - I found he wasn't always truthful to me, especially about finances. I got disgusted and broke up several times but somehow we reconcile because we do love each other. However, he is financially broke and irresponsible but is trying to improve. He lost his job and is trying hard to find a new one. In the meanwhile, he wants me to hold on exclusively with him until he finds a new job, at which point he wants to marry me. We don't go out in public much since he wants to keep this "under wraps" until he gets back on his feet. I am very financially settled and extremely responsible when it comes to finances. I had met someone else who is very established and has many qualities but the relationship does not have the "spice" of my other bf; but I do enjoy his company and he wants only an exclusive relationship as well. How long should I hold on to my prior bf or do I just need to break up?? This sounds a lot like another post not too long ago about this same issue, so I'll give you the advice I gave to that poster: He's 65. It's highly unrealistic he's going to find the kind of job that's going to pay him enough to keep you in a lifestyle you've grown accustomed to by your own means, so waiting until a day that may never come isn't a good use of your time. Besides, you say he lies about money--if it's important enough to you, find out why he does this. It is shame? Will you shame him for not having money? Does he do other things for you that can make up for not having money, such as taking care of things around your house? My advice is: determine if the lying is your bottom line/deal breaker. If you can forgive and he can agree to stop doing it and you love him and don't mind being the one who has the money in the relationship and he doesn't mind, then why wait until he's got a job? Have him sign an airtight prenup and marry him... or just maintain what you have right now. It makes no sense being with this other man if he does nothing for you other than having more money than you. IN the long run, you'll be like a bird in a guilded, sexless cage. If you can overlook that and forego spice, then go be with him and break up with the broke dude. Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 Dating BF for almost 5 years. Always been something bothering me about him - I found he wasn't always truthful to me, especially about finances. I got disgusted and broke up several times but somehow we reconcile because we do love each other. However, he is financially broke and irresponsible but is trying to improve. He lost his job and is trying hard to find a new one. In the meanwhile, he wants me to hold on exclusively with him until he finds a new job, at which point he wants to marry me. We don't go out in public much since he wants to keep this "under wraps" until he gets back on his feet. I am very financially settled and extremely responsible when it comes to finances. I had met someone else who is very established and has many qualities but the relationship does not have the "spice" of my other bf; but I do enjoy his company and he wants only an exclusive relationship as well. How long should I hold on to my prior bf or do I just need to break up?? Why did you say he's 65 he can get job any place if he really wanted too. Might want to live off what you have put away. You seem to settle for that too I see. You might not like it but it happens people can loose their shirt over money issues. You have another guy and yet not happy with him either. You have to pick the poor bum or the well to do guy? You'll choose the bum because you feel better with him. If you don't want a poor man then let him go and you go after Mr. Perfect with everything going for him instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused72857 Posted August 24, 2017 Author Share Posted August 24, 2017 My bf now tells me he was left $50000 in trust by an uncle. I have reason to believe it's true. But does this really change the fact he has no job or other savings and still owes $10000 in credit cards? How does that change when you're already 65? He's trying to convince me this will make him financially stable enough to marry me. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 He's still lying to you & you are still letting him. $50,000 before estate taxes, minus $10,000 in credit card debt equals about $23,000 in his pocket. In some places that will barely pay for a small wedding let alone support two people. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 I gave you my thoughts up above. If he thinks that at 65, $50,000 is enough to get him through to the end, he's a little delusional and/or just doesn't have a clue. If he has an ounce of financial acuity, he will pay off that $10,000 from the $50,000 at least and cut up all but one card and hide it. Does he have a pension coming from any previous employment? Is he drawing social security? Does he own his home? If you really want to give him a heads up, make an appointment for him with a financial advisor. That should open his eyes a little. In fact, it might scare the living hell out of him and light a fire under his a*s. And, putting aside the fact that this guy is a financial wreck, I don't think a woman who is considering marrying any guy, should have another BF who has more "spice". This guy doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Tell him you're moving on. What you are doing is called "monkey branching". You're making sure you have another guy to go to before you dump the other. And, if the other guy doesn't grab on like you hope, you'll stick it out with this one for a while longer. You know this guy isn't financially sound for the future and that is a primary concern of yours, but you're still hanging around because he may be your only option . . . you're afraid to be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 At 65 he ain't going to change into someone who doesn't lie to you. Why after 5 years does he not want to be seen out in public with you? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 My bf now tells me he was left $50000 in trust by an uncle. I have reason to believe it's true. But does this really change the fact he has no job or other savings and still owes $10000 in credit cards? How does that change when you're already 65? He's trying to convince me this will make him financially stable enough to marry me. Thoughts? Does it change anything? No. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 My bf now tells me he was left $50000 in trust by an uncle. I have reason to believe it's true. But does this really change the fact he has no job or other savings and still owes $10000 in credit cards? How does that change when you're already 65? He's trying to convince me this will make him financially stable enough to marry me. Thoughts? answer our questions so we can give you better thoughts 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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