Should I Be Angry?

[Jlec93]

(I'm sorry I didn't know what section to put this in.)

 

 

Okay so I've been best friends with this girl for about 8 years now. I'm 24 she's 23. Of those 8 years we've been best friends I've been in love for her for about 6 or 7 of those years. She was always aware of my feelings since the start. She told me her feelings weren't there and she even used to introduce me to other people as her cousin.

 

I ALWAYS sort of treated this girl like a girlfriend. I'd constantly take her out to movies, and dinners and even vacations and I'd pay for everything. For a few years I stopped pursuing her mainly because she got into a relationship with a guy that I absolutely hated. Well after 2 years he cheated on her with her best friend, and she told me she was done with him and hated him and never wanted to talk to him again. So for about a year she was telling me this story how she doesn't talk to him anymore, doesn't see him, doesn't want anything to do with him. Meanwhile the guys still living with her at her house and they sleep in the same bed, and they're very much still together. (I knew the entire time but she denied it over and over again until this past winter she acknowledged I was right.)

 

 

So... now back to us... I decided to give my best efforts now since she was single again and I pursued her once again. She was giving me signals even telling me she'd give me a chance back in like February. However whenever I would try anything or bring that up she would say she's not ready or didn't mean it like that. Well fast forward to June and I was going on vacation to Aruba and wanted to bring someone and so I decided to bring her. This is where things got interesting. There were 2 beds in the hotel room. We slept in separate beds the first night but then after that she claimed there was sand in her bed and asked if she could sleep with me in mine. I said of course and she said it'd only be for the night, and well it turned out to be for the rest of the vacation. Now during this time I'm a very respectable person and I didn't try anything because I didn't think she wanted me too. When we returned home and hung-out again I think the fact that I didn't try anything bothered her cause she brought that fact up multiple multiple times saying I should of.

 

Well after 2 weeks of being home she asked to come over my place and I said yeah of course. She came over and we were hanging out and it got late and asked if she could stay over. I said sure I'll sleep on the couch, she told me no don't I want you to sleep with me or else I'll be lonely. So I took this as a sign that she wanted me to try something. Well so I made a move and it worked and she reacted positively. So anyways one night of her sleeping over turned into 2 nights, then 3, then 4. Then she decided she should go home. So she decided to go home, and I found out that she wasn't going home to be alone because while I was outside her place in my car sending a text before I left her ex boyfriend (the one that cheated on her) entered her apartment not even 5 minutes after I dropped her off. Now at this point I wasn't mad I figured it was only a few nights we spent together I don't have a right to be mad.

 

Well I confront her and said that I was right that was messed up of her to do and that she's sorry that she was just scared of what was happening between her and I. I said okay that's fine no problem.... Well a few days later she's begging to come sleep over again. Of course I said okay, and this time she stayed an entire week. During this week we got even closer. Then one night she tells me she's going out with one of her friends, and asks me to give her a ride. I give her a ride to the restaurant she was meeting her friend at, and so when I pick her back up she seemed distraught. When I asked her what was wrong she told me she seen an EX from when she was 18. He worked there. She seemed really bent out of shape but wouldn't tell me exactly why that bothered her so much. Well so the next night she tells me shes going out again this time with a different friend but to the same place. She tells me not to pick her up to just go home and she'll tell me when to pick her up at her friends house probably around 1 am... Well when I see her go into the restaurant she is greeted by some guy. NOT the friend she said she was going out with. I said whatever ... tried not to get mad, waited for her to text me when to come get her... I waited til 4 am before I gave up. I was worried something might of happened to her. Well it turns out that guy was her ex that she told me about the night before. She met up with him, went back to his place and they had sex.... She didn't obviously just come out and tell me this but when I flipped out on her and told her I was worried and stuff and I called her mom she came out with it.

 

Well this time I was angry I told her I was done because that really hurt that I thought we were getting closer and she said she knows that she felt it too that she's just not used to getting treated so well... Well I told her that's over because I'm not treating you like that anymore. She texted me non stop for days pleading saying I'm sorry I wish I could take it back. Well it turns out while she was doing that her OTHER ex boyfriend (the one that cheated on her) was back to staying over her house cause he was there to "comfort her" through this. I ended up giving her an ultimatum. I told her no more talking to ex's or else I'm gone. Well she agreed and I let her back over my house. She stayed for about 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks she didn't talk to either ex for about a week until her most recent ex (the one that cheated) threatened to kill himself unless she talked to him... So I caved said go ahead talk to him.... Well since I did that she was spending more time texting him than she was talking to me in person... She was sending him nudes, talking dirty to him telling him she loved him, all while laying next to me...

 

Well she went home for a night.... and yep you guessed it he was there..... she swears to me nothing happened ... I let it go... because once again I felt I shouldn't be mad... Well then she stayed here again just this past week for an ENTIRE week... Everything seemed good (except for her talking to him) until last night at 1 am when she tells me she gotta go home cause she has to "clean her work uniform." When I offered to drive her home she tells me no... says its cool she will call an uber... I say okay ... 2 hours later I text her saying is everything is okay cause she told me she'd text me all night... no response... I text the uber driver (she used my account) asked where she got dropped off at ... she didn't get dropped off at home... turns out its the other exs house that she had sex with a few weeks before .... So that's where I am today .... I want to cut her off for good, I'm really angry right now... but my question is should I be? I mean while she says we're just friends she's basically living at my house, shes been home like 5 days total in the past month, we sleep in the same bed, we're sexually active, we go out together, go out to dinner, movies etc... so do I have a right to be angry or am I blowing this out of proportion?

 

TL;DR: This girl claims we're just "friends" but yet she basically lives with me, sleeps in the same bed, we have sex, but then she'll lie to me and go have sex with an ex boyfriend but will say she went and did something else....should I be mad?

Edited August 21, 2017 by Jlec93

[smackie9]

yes! For being so stupid to even get involved with her. It's kinda obvious she isn't the girl you thought she was. Kick her to the curb and be done with her. She's a hot mess.

[Jlec93]

yes! For being so stupid to even get involved with her. It's kinda obvious she isn't the girl you thought she was. Kick her to the curb and be done with her. She's a hot mess.

 

Is it messed up that by kicking her to the curb I feel like I'd be hurting HER and I don't want to hurt her ?

[bachdude]

I read posts like this and think, Is this for real? Seriously?

 

You really keep pursuing a woman like for all those years who clearly craps all over you and doesn't care how her actions hurt you?

 

She doesn't care about you, OP. You are her sex partner and nothing more.

 

Why would you put yourself through this voluntarily?

 

It's called relationship hell.

 

Should you be mad? Yes, at yourself for all of those wasted years you have spent pining over a girl like this. An utter waste of your life and time.

[preraph]

I don't think she's going to agree to be exclusive with you, so if that is what you want, better look elsewhere. She likes to have a companion around. But she doesn't sound serious about you at all.

[kendahke]

Dang, she needs to write a book and hold seminars on how to play guys for idiots.

 

Seriously? She's not ever going to give you a chance and why would you want a chance with someone who's name should be 'knob"--everyone's had a turn. She's giving it away to ex's, which is her right, I suppose, but why are you patiently waiting in line for sloppy thirds, let alone seconds? She's got 2 ex's ahead of you when before it was only one.

 

It's time for you to set her adrift and leave her alone. She doesn't need to come over and spend the night. She's got a home. She doesn't need you to give her a lift--that's what Lyft and Uber are for. If she wants to have sex with her ex's, then she doesn't need you as her "sniff and fetch it".

 

Come on, dude--grow a spine already.

[kendahke]

Is it messed up that by kicking her to the curb I feel like I'd be hurting HER and I don't want to hurt her ?

 

You just prefer looking and feeling like a fool, is that it?

 

Do you think not hurting her puts you in the running for her heart or something? If you do, you're dead wrong.

 

I certainly hope you used protection when you were with her.

 

And understand this:

people. treat. you. the. way. they. feel. about. you.

 

You are letting her treat you the way she feels about you and that is completely preventable and in your power, not hers.

Edited August 22, 2017 by kendahke

[Robratory]

Is it messed up that by kicking her to the curb I feel like I'd be hurting HER and I don't want to hurt her ?

 

No, it's not messed up. You care for her, and you wish things could be different. People are coming down hard on you because it's like the battered woman who refuses to press charges, except the tables are turned. It's hard to watch people putting up with so much abuse, and they don't even put themselves out of harm's way.

 

If you could just have sex with her and not care about anything else, it might work while it lasted, but obviously, that's not where you're coming from. For your own good, you have to end this decisively. She might be hurt. I don't think she's a complete unfeeling monster. But you have to do it for yourself. Stop wasting time and find a woman that meets you heart to heart and mind to mind.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

For someone that isn't used to being treated so well, she sure knows how to take full advantage of the situation, doesn't she?

 

You offer her so many perks to be your "friend". Trips away, and a place to stay whenever she likes. You'll even drive her to go meet another man and offer to pick her up afterwards. It takes a very selfish person to take advantage of another person like that.

 

I do think you need to accept your share of the responsibility for allowing this to continue for so long. However, I think her behavior is far more reprehensible because while you may do it out of genuine affection, I do not believe that the feeling is mutual.

 

The way she has manipulated and lied to you should make you feel angry. Angry enough to block her from your life for good. She is not good friend material, let alone girlfriend material. It sounds like now you are starting to see that.

 

If you keep seeing her she will continue to use you and sleep with other men. It's up to you if you are prepared to settle for that.

 

I hope you don't.

[Versacehottie]

Don't waste time being angry, just use your energy to get out of the situation. She is a head case and will continue to use and hurt you. 8 years (?!) is long enough. Even if you think you are 'getting' what you waited for all these years, the truth is you are not getting it. You are just getting in deeper and in a very dysfunctional way. Good luck

[kazen]

Poor chap. Wasted 6-8 yrs.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, stop letting this girl use you and play with you.

 

She's immature and selfish. You have feelings, but she doesn't share those same feelings. She treats you like a taxi-driver and hotel, an easy source of attention and affection...when she's not getting the attention she really wants from her exes.

 

She isn't your friend. Not anymore. Don't worry about hurting her. Tell her to call one of her several exes to "comfort" her.

[act00]

She likes that you take care of her and pays for her meals and entertainment, and she probably likes your company, but she doesn't want you in her life as a partner. She gets the benefits of being spoiled, even living in your house sporadically when the mood suits her, and then goes off and "plays" with her other boy toys she has lying around, and for the love of gawd, even asks you for a ride to play with one of them? Really?? That is an all-time low. I'm floored she even had the nerve! You said she lived with her ex-boyfriend, and I'm wondering how well this is going to go over when she stops coming over to your place for a week at a time and then waltzes back in (how did he feel when she disappeared to your place for days at a time?). You have every right to be mad. She's using you.

 

You don't want to hurt her, but she's hurting you and without much care in the world about it. You won't get out of this without causing pain, and you'll feel horrible for it, but it is necessary. Do you think her two (are there more?) other guys aren't feeling the exact same way you are?? They are suffering just the same as you and just as confused and hurt. One guy threatened suicide over the heartbreak. I suspect they probably weren't truly broken up when she moved on to her next thing of interest.

 

In any case, you have to do it. She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions and feel the loss and pain for it. Only then will she "get it" and change her ways, but will she ever get it? She claims her BF cheated on her, but look at her behavior! Did he cheat? Did she? Yes, I'm sure she did. It stung when the tables were turned, but her behavior hasn't changed. Of course, she's keeping things "open and casual" as she flits around to her three honeys who are more than willing to jump when she tells them to because monogamy would totally screw up that fine little setup she has with men fawning all over her and paying for her.

 

Just do it. Sometimes it's about self-preservation, and there will be some carnage along the way, but for your own sanity and esteem, you seriously have to drop this woman, and if she suffers pain for it, it's merely a consequence of her behaviors. Not yours. You have treated her very well all these years and now it's time to move on. At this point, even if she made the decision and chose you, could you EVER trust her? No. That ship sailed.

 

I'm sure the three of you men are all aware of the other men and want to punch each other in the face and want them to stay away from "your woman," and that anger is misguided. You should all be mad at her and dump her like a hot rock and let her know why. Lying, cheating, leading you on, using you for sex, food, entertainment, housing, rides, while flitting about to the other guy when the wind blows, toying with your emotions, causing anger, grief, paranoia, jealousy, anger, pain, tears, confusion. When she's not with you, do you really know where she is, who she's with? Nope.

 

It will be difficult and painful, but necessary. You'll feel better for it, I promise. She's been in your life for years, so you will definitely feel that empty place and loss, and you'll feel like crap for hurting her, but again, sometimes it's self-preservation, and her actions have consequences. She has no one to blame but herself.

[Redhead14]

You should be angry with yourself for allowing yourself to be a doormat . . .

 

You two are not friends. You may consider her a friend, but she doesn't even treat you like a friend. That guy is not her EX. She's cheating on him and without conscience. She's cheating on both of you. You are wearing the same shoes as her so-called EX. They are pretty tight and uncomfortable, aren't they?

 

Most people don't wear shoes that hurt. Some people will wear shoes that hurt hoping they will stretch out and become more comfortable. But what they end up with is a pair of stretched out shoes that still don't fit right or even look good.

Edited August 22, 2017 by Redhead14

[kendahke]

She claims her BF cheated on her, but look at her behavior! Did he cheat? Did she? Yes, I'm sure she did.

 

I completely agree with this.

 

I'll bet dollars to donuts that she was the one cheating because her behavior buttresses that conclusion.

[smackie9]

Is it messed up that by kicking her to the curb I feel like I'd be hurting HER and I don't want to hurt her ?

This is where being obsessed gets you. You have been fantasizing about her for years and you keep hanging onto that fantasy like a life preserver thinking if you let go you are gonna drown. You need to let go, you can't make her want you, and that's the reality you have to face. You will survive life without her.

[Jlec93]

Okay so its been 4 days since I've seen her and now she is sending me text messages saying that she chooses me **** every other guy that I bring her peace and make her feel content and she won't mess up that she promises ... do you think that she's just telling me what I want to hear? She's been asking me to see her for days but I keep telling her no and she said all she wants is to be with me ...... but in my head I feel like she's just telling me what I want to hear...

[Miss Spider]

Yes she's telling you what she thinks you want to hear because her ex doesn't want her anymore(for now). Goodness, always the same story. Plz don't be someone's doormat