The Most strange night Ever

August 21, 2017

Okay now, please, calm down. First off, before snapping in the future, just rethink it, breathe and instead of spiting the acid, take it calmly.

Next. She definitely havent found another guy, she called you back. It's probably her own personal problems, dont bug her too much asking about it. I cant believe how many strange men are here telling you she's a drama queen, emo and so on just because she was crying? "Find a sane girl" woah guys, thats a sick advice to give! To me it sounds like you both are still young and very emotional.

Definitely dont ignore her birthday. Dont go overboard, but do something really honest and sweet. DONT bring the issue up on that day, if you end up meeting. Dont text her, its always better to converse eye to eye, leaving less space for misunderstandings. Really, just go to her and tell her how you feel about this, that you regret snapping at her. Ask her if she wishes to elaborate on her issues, support her. An honest conversation is probably the best healer.

It's far from losing her if she was honest with you.

99% sure we won't be meeting for her birthday because that's what spurred a lot of this fighting. Originally she wanted to, but then she said she would spent it with her girlfriends. That's when it was a problem in my mind. She had become distant. So anyway I had some vacation time prior to my final school semester starting so I decided to go back home for a couple of weeks and clear my mind. Maybe when I get back I'll write her? Idk!

August 21, 2017

Okay now, please, calm down. First off, before snapping in the future, just rethink it, breathe and instead of spiting the acid, take it calmly.

Next. She definitely havent found another guy, she called you back. It's probably her own personal problems, dont bug her too much asking about it. I cant believe how many strange men are here telling you she's a drama queen, emo and so on just because she was crying? "Find a sane girl" woah guys, thats a sick advice to give! To me it sounds like you both are still young and very emotional.

Definitely dont ignore her birthday. Dont go overboard, but do something really honest and sweet. DONT bring the issue up on that day, if you end up meeting. Dont text her, its always better to converse eye to eye, leaving less space for misunderstandings. Really, just go to her and tell her how you feel about this, that you regret snapping at her. Ask her if she wishes to elaborate on her issues, support her. An honest conversation is probably the best healer.

It's far from losing her if she was honest with you.

Also, my question is what's the blocking of me for....just so many mixed messages!!!

August 21, 2017

Agreed with the above, except bolded i don't know that she is "in love" with him due to only one fact that she unblocked him and tried to call. It could just be more dramatics and taking him along on her roller coaster of her emotions. More immaturity. It's pretty much only a sign that at that one moment she was open to talking to him. She now hasn't responded to his last message so is thinking differently now. (which also doesn't mean she doesn't like/love him). There are many people in this world who love the dramatics and the person is just an auxiliary/replaceable thing. Time will tell what is going on here.

If i was in her shoes and had told him to leave me alone. I would have more respect for him if he was able to do it. And more respect for him if I was being dramatic was reason I said "don't talk to me" and he didn't fall for my games. Him holding his ground would be best thing to draw me back to him. That's me. Especially his last message was fine, sounded very grown up. Now, big question is if he can stick to it. He already indicated he really is already trying to come up with a plan to get in touch in a few days--opposite of what his last message said. That kind of clinginess would have me lose respect for him most likely, especially in light of how emo and irrational his response was to her first telling him she was going through something. he made it all about him/them. Thought it was a threat to the relationship :roll eyes: He's threatened easily--that's not attractive.

Ignore thumbs down--it was for body of my response not in response to you. Sorry!

She actually did say that to me "this isn't about you or about us. It's about my problems in me. Not you. You should just understand that for once!!"

August 21, 2017

Yes honestly I am really threatened because this girl is totally out of my league. I messed it up but she had her own games going too. I wanted to lock her down because I knew if she's still dating no way she'd choose me. She had never told me she loved me. There was just a significant drift going on from the beginning to now. By the way, my plan is not contact in a few days but maybe like a week or two.

Of course, sorry I always read through the lines and like it or not, most "stories" have been told throughout history. When a guy acts like you did, that's what it usually boils down to--you are insecure, think she is above you so you are acting desperate--even if you think you are concealing it. I can't think of a quicker way to drive someone away. If she had/has any hesitation all the things you did during freak out and now your plan to contact her in a week or two is not good. More desperation. You want to possess her. I can't remember the time frame for you guys but thinking it wasn't that long--probably too soon to say i love you. You probably need more and more reassurance if you mind jumps to not trusting her and only worrying about the relationship and your needs when she is struggling. You aren't seeing the connection between the way you've acted (even prior to your freak out) to her drifting away. They are correlated.

Here's the thing: you have to change your mindset. If it's too late with this girl, on the next one for sure. You have to believe if you are dating, you are right where you are meant to be and she is not out of your league and you need not be desperate to lock her down. With this mindset it will be difficult for you to actually lock down a good girl (maybe some crazy one would be possible) and to have a healthy relationship. Healthy is more balanced, equal. I pretty much think that whatever troubles she is going through might have been alleviated by a promising new romance. A breathe of fresh air and momentum. Rather you are pressure and needy, which drives her away. It's a straight up chart or graph. Your stableness, security and confidence would have probably been a magnet of her to you if you had it. By exhibiting the traits you did, it became too much for her. You probably think you concealed it until the day of the freak out but guaranteed you did not. Anxious, insecure people don't understand that it's pretty transparent all their baggage. Failure to let her operate on her time (within reason) is exactly where insecure people get it wrong: you push forward in your impatience, they pull back. Trust me, it's not unrelated.

August 21, 2017

She actually did say that to me "this isn't about you or about us. It's about my problems in me. Not you. You should just understand that for once!!"

Yeah, I totally understand her. Insecure people are needy and ultimately selfish even if they appear to "give" more, chase more. Really it's possession, not love. You are trying to get her to fill a hole in yourself, your ego. You think possessing her or having security in this relationship would make you more secure, confident. It usually seems to be a black hole of needing reassurance.

You need to understand and take her at her word and make it actually about her during this time but you are unable to do that because you actually are only worried about yourself (under the guise of worrying about the relationship or her). It's because it's a threat to your pumped up identity that having a girl above your league means. A secure guy wouldn't act like this--it's just additional pressure she doesn't need; it's not love and it's certainly not attractive. The fact that she said the bolded above means that you have done this several times at the very least. Total honesty, I'm annoyed for her. I want to give you help but not sure I'm getting through to you. Give me a sign if I am

August 21, 2017

Yeah, I totally understand her. Insecure people are needy and ultimately selfish even if they appear to "give" more, chase more. Really it's possession, not love. You are trying to get her to fill a hole in yourself, your ego. You think possessing her or having security in this relationship would make you more secure, confident. It usually seems to be a black hole of needing reassurance.

You need to understand and take her at her word and make it actually about her during this time but you are unable to do that because you actually are only worried about yourself (under the guise of worrying about the relationship or her). It's because it's a threat to your pumped up identity that having a girl above your league means. A secure guy wouldn't act like this--it's just additional pressure she doesn't need; it's not love and it's certainly not attractive. The fact that she said the bolded above means that you have done this several times at the very least. Total honesty, I'm annoyed for her. I want to give you help but not sure I'm getting through to you. Give me a sign if I am

I have to be totally honest, I get it now like I didn't before. The way you just said all that it makes total sense to me now. I never seen it said this way before but I can think of many instances where this came up. I won't put them all up on here, but thinking back over the relationship I totally see it. Wow. I repelled her slowly but surely by doing what I thought was right. The thing is, I really want to try and reconcile this relationship if possible. I really see it now honestly mind is a bit blown. ****!

August 21, 2017

If you want to be happy, you forget and move on. People like her will ghost for a few weeks, pop back in with some lame reason and then ghost again.

It can be low interest, inability to handle any adversity, or any number of reasons but the behavior will be the same.

If a girl punches you in the stomach every time she sees you, she may do it out of social awkwardness, abuse in the past, love or spite...doesn't matter, she is simply the person that punches you in the stomach every time she sees you. If it frustrates you, trying to figure it out and change the result is pointless and you will end up getting punched in the stomach and being frustrated a lot.

Move on, find someone who frankly doesn't do this type of thing with you and you won't have to deal with it for eternity.

August 21, 2017

I think basically what I did wrong was being insecure. She had gotten out of a bad relationship, one that sounded a bit abusive honestly...and then I became possessive when I was trying to be nice. I can pinpoint exactly when the chance in her happened. Ugh!!!! Thanks @Versacehottie --- I really am seeing it now and just wish I could have the same revelation in trying to reverse it now.

August 21, 2017

I think basically what I did wrong was being insecure. She had gotten out of a bad relationship, one that sounded a bit abusive honestly...and then I became possessive when I was trying to be nice. I can pinpoint exactly when the chance in her happened. Ugh!!!! Thanks @Versacehottie --- I really am seeing it now and just wish I could have the same revelation in trying to reverse it now.

This kind of change in yourself won't happen overnight. You don't just decide to not be insecure. It takes work.

August 21, 2017

This kind of change in yourself won't happen overnight. You don't just decide to not be insecure. It takes work.

What do you suggest? I'm curious.

August 21, 2017

What do you suggest? I'm curious.

Well, I would suggest therapy. I also loved a Christian book I read (and also participated in a Bible study) called So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. The book is written for women, though. I'm SURE you could get stuff out of it (if you're at all religious) but it was written for women. I'm sure there are books on the topic written by men, though.

August 21, 2017

Agreed with the above, except bolded i don't know that she is "in love" with him due to only one fact that she unblocked him and tried to call. It could just be more dramatics and taking him along on her roller coaster of her emotions. More immaturity. It's pretty much only a sign that at that one moment she was open to talking to him. She now hasn't responded to his last message so is thinking differently now. (which also doesn't mean she doesn't like/love him). There are many people in this world who love the dramatics and the person is just an auxiliary/replaceable thing. Time will tell what is going on here.

If i was in her shoes and had told him to leave me alone. I would have more respect for him if he was able to do it. And more respect for him if I was being dramatic was reason I said "don't talk to me" and he didn't fall for my games. Him holding his ground would be best thing to draw me back to him. That's me. Especially his last message was fine, sounded very grown up. Now, big question is if he can stick to it. He already indicated he really is already trying to come up with a plan to get in touch in a few days--opposite of what his last message said. That kind of clinginess would have me lose respect for him most likely, especially in light of how emo and irrational his response was to her first telling him she was going through something. he made it all about him/them. Thought it was a threat to the relationship :roll eyes: He's threatened easily--that's not attractive.

Ignore thumbs down--it was for body of my response not in response to you. Sorry!

Oh it's okay thanks for making that known to me..

August 21, 2017

I have to be totally honest, I get it now like I didn't before. The way you just said all that it makes total sense to me now. I never seen it said this way before but I can think of many instances where this came up. I won't put them all up on here, but thinking back over the relationship I totally see it. Wow. I repelled her slowly but surely by doing what I thought was right. The thing is, I really want to try and reconcile this relationship if possible. I really see it now honestly mind is a bit blown. ****!

Yes but she did something strange she blocked you then unblocked you then she call you to talk while crying that shows something that it meant she care more for you than you thought she did. Most women never tell the bf they're in love or love them some don't know how to express their love. The way they were brought up in a home where love wasn't show enough in an affectate way.

I have to go by what you say emotions and what I sense from you is how I can make my calls for you. I have a gift for doing that. But NC her for now NC - no contact and let her make the next move. Don't worry about her birthday? Is she a Virgo and what is your birth sign by the way?

August 21, 2017

Yes, she's a Virgo. I'm a Sagittarius.

See the call was very awkward. It was about 20 minutes after the initial blocking me. She says "first of all I don't know why you want to argue all ****ing day about stuff. I'm calling you to cancel tomorrow. And then she just is crying crying." And I said "Look, I'm sorry...what's wrong?" And she goes "with me a lot is wrong, I'm just calling to say I can't see you tomorrow." And then cries and cries....and I just said "Look, I don't know what's wrong but I'm sorry if I said anything." She just is listening and crying and then says "okay, bye". I try to call back and that's when the roommate answers "she's crying and doesn't want to talk to anyone right now. You can try calling back later." And then that was it. Since then I sent one message to her , above (which she read, but no answer). So I'm just confused at the moment. I guess she could re-block me at any time on Messenger but hasn't yet. She blocked me on Instagram and ShatsApp but hasn't unblocked me. On Messenger (which is how we mainly communicated) I seem to still be unblocked. So confusing.

The line I said that broke her was me accusing her of seeing someone else. I wish I hadn't said that.

August 21, 2017

I'm just concerned that she'll wait a few days and just block me too on FB Messenger and then all my points of contest int he future are done. We only have one mutual friend.

August 21, 2017

I'm just concerned that she'll wait a few days and just block me too on FB Messenger and then all my points of contest int he future are done. We only have one mutual friend.

Well, then let her. Why would you want to keep pursuing someone who blocks you, which indicates she is done?

August 21, 2017

Also, my question is what's the blocking of me for....just so many mixed messages!!!

She's emotionally immature. It's like when a four-year-old screams, "I hate you, Mommy! I hate you, I hate you!"

August 21, 2017

See the call was very awkward. It was about 20 minutes after the initial blocking me. She says "first of all I don't know why you want to argue all ****ing day about stuff. I'm calling you to cancel tomorrow. And then she just is crying crying." And I said "Look, I'm sorry...what's wrong?" And she goes "with me a lot is wrong, I'm just calling to say I can't see you tomorrow."

I've seen this many times.

Look, suppose she really has problems. Suppose her father is being threatened by drug lords, and suppose she's being forced into prostitution. Those are real problems, right? But could you do anything about them? No, so your best option is to find a girl without real problems.

On the other hand, if she's a typical emo-drama queen, her "problems" are going to be along the lines of Tiffany said she was a slut, and now Kimberly isn't talking to her, plus she's fighting with her cousin, and she's failing her math classes. But again, can you fix anything about this? No, so your best option is to find a girl without First World problems.

August 21, 2017

She's emotionally immature. It's like when a four-year-old screams, "I hate you, Mommy! I hate you, I hate you!"

Here's what's really interesting about it. About a week ago I had blocked her when we had an argument and then I unblocked her only a few hours later but she told me that "that's what 12 year olds do. I don't want a relationship like that." And then proceeds to do the same thing.

August 21, 2017

Here's what's really interesting about it. About a week ago I had blocked her when we had an argument and then I unblocked her only a few hours later but she told me that "that's what 12 year olds do. I don't want a relationship like that." And then proceeds to do the same thing.

Many of us are a lot older than you are and "blocking" was not a thing when we were your age and dating/going through break-ups. I think that was a good thing, because we had no choice but to believe the other person when they said they wanted to break up! There was no still seeing what they were up to unless you physically stalked them. The most we could do in terms of "blocking" was turn the ringer off on the home phone and then break up with them through the U.S. mail lol! (Yes, I did that once, ashamed to say!!). Still, I think it made it LOT easier to get over someone because "no contact" really does work.

August 21, 2017

Yes, she's a Virgo. I'm a Sagittarius.
See the call was very awkward. It was about 20 minutes after the initial blocking me. She says "first of all I don't know why you want to argue all ****ing day about stuff. I'm calling you to cancel tomorrow. And then she just is crying crying." And I said "Look, I'm sorry...what's wrong?" And she goes "with me a lot is wrong, I'm just calling to say I can't see you tomorrow." And then cries and cries....and I just said "Look, I don't know what's wrong but I'm sorry if I said anything." She just is listening and crying and then says "okay, bye". I try to call back and that's when the roommate answers "she's crying and doesn't want to talk to anyone right now. You can try calling back later." And then that was it. Since then I sent one message to her , above (which she read, but no answer). So I'm just confused at the moment. I guess she could re-block me at any time on Messenger but hasn't yet. She blocked me on Instagram and ShatsApp but hasn't unblocked me. On Messenger (which is how we mainly communicated) I seem to still be unblocked. So confusing.
The line I said that broke her was me accusing her of seeing someone else. I wish I hadn't said that.

She wanted to have the last word and make sure you were clear that tomorrow wasn't happening. I wouldn't read too much in being still open to reach her on one platform. It can be an ego boost or curiosity to hear what you have to say. This also plays into the theory that she could be dramatic too. OR some people are just never say never people. But she is certainly saying not now! If you were going to send flowers or a gift that will always be an option when emotions have cooled down and you've really given her a chance to deal with her life. AND changed yourself for the better in so much as you would be able to SHOW her, not just say it. Gonna take a while as Cautiously said.

I was thinking for you the exact place to start would be to get coping skills together about the jealousy and jumping to the conclusion that she is/wants to be with someone else. Start with that as a base as something to work on. Hardest part is once you break the relationship, it is a real possibility. I can see exactly why that one sent her over the edge. It's irrational. Accusing. Comments on her character to point of no return. Break of trust, shows that maybe her investment in you won't ever work out. Plus gives her ideas that why shouldn't she if she is going to be accused of it anyway and you are not deserving of her/fight too much/black pit of neediness. It completely exposes you as not as worthy or mature as her. Don't overthink it--she doesn't want to talk to you. If you can get yourself to think more rationally about potential cheating/other guys then you can start to work on more self-worth stuff (which can be harder, longer to fix). You need to get to "neutral" by telling yourself (or finding some books) that it is possible she would leave you for someone else but not likely therefore the thought is irrational and only damages the relationship, i.e. if she is going to do it, she will do it anyway AND you shouldn't want to contain someone in your life that would do that. Make sense?

August 21, 2017

She's emotionally immature. It's like when a four-year-old screams, "I hate you, Mommy! I hate you, I hate you!"

I agree, it's a strong possibility that she is immature/dramatic as well. OR maybe fed up with OP's behavior, which is not blameless. I'm not big on blocking but OP has impulse control issues, has done it before and accusing her of things that are pretty awful. It'd be an option to consider even for more level-headed people.

Now BTW, not to go completely off-topic, why is it often suggested that people block harmless guys/girls from date one or two or in beginning stages of dating that have given no indication of stalker or unstable behavior---or even that they will make another attempt at contact--is beyond me. It's a daily mantra around here lol. Reactionary advice often given on other threads and yes I agree it's generally emotionally immature. I would really only use it on someone who wasn't getting the message (possibly OP) and made repeated unwanted attempts to contact.

August 21, 2017

Here's what's really interesting about it. About a week ago I had blocked her when we had an argument and then I unblocked her only a few hours later but she told me that "that's what 12 year olds do. I don't want a relationship like that." And then proceeds to do the same thing.

Impulse control--neither of you have it. Not going to build your case for having a good relationship with her or anyone else if you can't take care of her end, i.e. two wrongs don't make a right. And anyway, maybe she is serious this time. You can only work on your behavior and then hope that your preparation meets opportunity with her or a different girl.

August 21, 2017

Thank you so much for putting so much thought into this situation for me. It means a lot. I never would've thought it all so deep. My situation is this now. Her birthday is Sunday. I'm not going to send flowers or cards or candies because quite frankly I don't actually know her address. I'm in London, so we go by zipcodes here and I don't know her actual apartment number (can't recall). What I may do, if I'm not blocked is just send a very simple happy birthday message. Nothing else. No I hope to see you. Nothing. Just simple. Then based on that response I'll proceed forward accordingly.

I'll be away for the next two weeks so it isn't like we could physically meet up anyway, though it's WAY too early in sure to even discuss that!

August 21, 2017

You got angry with her. Anger is very destructive in relationships, especially early in a relationship. If someone blows up at you, what will they do next time? I was with a guy who got angry with me and pushed me. He didn't push me hard but it was a physical act when he was angry. That was it for me, I wasn't going to wait to see what he did next time he was angry. There was also little reason for him to be angry so it was already an overreaction.

You have mentioned arguments. What were they about? It sounds quite a tense relationship. Why would she willingly stick with a tense relationship unless it were to change? It is up to you to do some thinking about what underlying feelings on your part triggered these arguments. Obviously you cannot see what her underlying feelings were but you can work on your own half of this.

When someone is upset, usually they need love, comfort and tenderness, not anger. Because you were assuming she had gone off you or was seeing someone else, you were not able to offer her this. She will be more wary now. I think leave her alone for a while and then, if you do get in touch with her again, make it a nice, simple gesture, with warmth and affection. You could tell her you are aware your behaviour was not very mature and you plan to change that. Then, leave her to think about whether she wants to be in touch with you or not. She may want to mull it over. Do not chase or bother her if she does not reach out after your contact gesture.

It is a scary situation to find yourself falling for someone. It feels like it suddenly gives them a lot of power over you, power to hurt. It is not surprising that it can generate strong feelings of worry, fear and insecurity. Try to recognise when this is happening and trust and go with the flow. What else can you do? Either it is going to work out or not. Panicking and trying to possess her is not going to improve matters. I think you'll work your way through this and find yourself better able to be positive next time.

Edited August 21, 2017 by spiderowl

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