Too much feelings, too much complications: in need of urgent out of this mess

[GENOS]

Okay guys you’re in for a wild, im sorry but this is gonna be a lot of typing. it's so complicated i’m strugglming myself to put it all in order. Before i delve into the details,which i’m gonna break into parts so you my more experienced friend would understand the situation and try to help me accordingly.

 

here’s the issue in a nutshell : girl madly in love with me, i love her back, too much stress and complications arising from an unhealthy rp, she has health problems and us fighting on a constant basis isn’t helping with it, fights so nasty she went on going about suicide, I don’t wanna break up with her, I need to know how to love her correctly and i’m in urgent desperate help of you guys.

 

a little bit background of myself : i’m 21 years old, college student with no work, and fairly good looking which in all fairness haven’t had much success in my past relationships, had only four past serious relationships that ended badly most of the time in 4 months or less, I decided to actually get a better understanding of girls, how attraction works and overall delve into a lot of self help material to improve and have a better understanding of myself, i’ve also went into a lot of pickup teachings and all that but I didn’t actually try to practice picking up girls myself because i’ve been constantly blaming the environment (i live in morocco, islamic country) and proctastinating.

 

some background of my gf : she is also 21 years old, very beautiful, extremely smart and lives a freaking continent away from me, yes it is an LDR, but it wasn’t a problem when i first got into the rp because we had meetup plans for summer, but that didn’t really happen because her mom prohibited us from meeting until she gets her degree which will be at least two years from now, and that’s when things started getting really nasty but i’ll talk about that later, in addition of her studying in a university she is also running lots of businesses along with her siblings that are very successful, so you can imagine there is a lot of stress in her life even if she keeps saying she enjoys what she does. And if that wasn’t enough she is also the result of bad parenting (in my opinion), her parents weren’t living in the same country ever since she was a kid, occasional visits here and there but she was raised by relatives and grandparents, had a scandal a few years back because of a douchy ex that published her private pictures and her parents’ reaction wasn’t really supportive, but destructive, hell even today her mom still reminds her of it trying to inflict even more guilt. So needless to say that when I found her she was a mess but I still fell in love with her, tried to help with her problems and actually made her forgert about all of it and open up to the world.

 

A background of the rp : we’ve been together for more than 9 months now,the girl fell in love with me so hard from day one,just after a few hours of texting the girl was already craving for more, she was confessing her love to me very early on which i know is very unusual, she was also telling me how afraid she was abt it herseld,but i wasnt really intending to be in a relationship with her and especially since she was very far away but i enjoyed spending time with her regardless and thats what i did, and i know it sounds cheesy but little by little i was falling for her, until i eventually told her that our feelings were mutual, and that didn’t happen until almost a month, but until then I gave her a really hard time, making her invest in me and want more and more just seemed to happen naturally and even after we both went lovey dovey, i was very strict, refused to deal with any kind of bs and even then we had fights but they werent as intense, she always got so turned on with me, even came multiple times jst from using whatever we have to dirty talk and all that, it was kind of sub/dom rp where i could control what she does ( to a reasonable exent), very exclusive from the very beginning, kind of like a husband/wife rp.

 

The actual problem or problems : my gf has a health situation where she occasionally ends up having a hard time breathing along with heart pain and that’s what usually happens when we fight and when she gets too agitated,sometimes it gets so bad she ends up spending the night in a hospital, the only solution is diet and a stress free life, but thats very hard to keep with the amount of fighting we have, recently it has become so common almost thrice a week, it has become nastier and she just plain loses control over her feelings, and usually after that she says she wants to break up, i try to calm her out of it and make her change her decision bec i know shes not serious abt it anyway, you can try to calm her you can try to go all sweet over her but it just doesn’t work, and sometimes its over the stupidest thing ever like : why wont u wake up earlier to talk to me ? or if i’m gonna hang out with my friends and she wants to talk, she will get mad if i even go texting girls and yeah she has my pw, she gets so possessive that it doesn’t give me space to breathe. She used to try to contain these feelings before out of fear that i might dump her but because of the constant fights instead of trying to make her chase me i tried to take a different approach and shower her with love, be sweet prioritize her over everything because she used to alway suspect that i dont love her, or i dont do it enough, that i might cheat over her and all kinds of insecurities. Note that im very serious abt this and never cheated. So i did what i did and recently it seems as though shes taken me for granted and wouldnt hold off if she just wants to bash my ass to the wall, go on rants non stop even if u beg her to stop she wouldnt, she won’t listen to logic and sometimes it turns into a name calling match,and it never ends until i myself lose it and lash back at her, pecking at each other until theres too much damage again, in which case i usually end up apologizing to her even if i didnt do anything wrong, and her excuse is that she loves me too much and cant control her emotions. And if you try to change that, encourage her to better herself and have more control over her emotions she’d just accuse me for not loving her for who she is and that i should look for someone else i can be happy with.

Despite all of this, I love her, I love the fact that she loves me too much, even though i had some experience ive never felt this much love before and i dont want to break up with her, i know this looks like a very unhealthy rp, and i know that trying to make it work will take a lot of effort and responsibility and tbh my main concern is her health and safety and thats why i really need help from more experienced people, how should i manage all of this ? what approach ? unconditional love or laid back and dominating ?

 

I know the logial solution seems to be to just break up and end it but im afraid that will trigger some serious emotions and she could end up harming herself, so thats more like a last resort..

 

And thank you in advance

[Redhead14]

Okay guys you’re in for a wild, im sorry but this is gonna be a lot of typing. it's so complicated i’m strugglming myself to put it all in order. Before i delve into the details,which i’m gonna break into parts so you my more experienced friend would understand the situation and try to help me accordingly.

 

here’s the issue in a nutshell : girl madly in love with me, i love her back, too much stress and complications arising from an unhealthy rp, she has health problems and us fighting on a constant basis isn’t helping with it, fights so nasty she went on going about suicide, I don’t wanna break up with her, I need to know how to love her correctly and i’m in urgent desperate help of you guys.

 

a little bit background of myself : i’m 21 years old, college student with no work, and fairly good looking which in all fairness haven’t had much success in my past relationships, had only four past serious relationships that ended badly most of the time in 4 months or less, I decided to actually get a better understanding of girls, how attraction works and overall delve into a lot of self help material to improve and have a better understanding of myself, i’ve also went into a lot of pickup teachings and all that but I didn’t actually try to practice picking up girls myself because i’ve been constantly blaming the environment (i live in morocco, islamic country) and proctastinating.

 

some background of my gf : she is also 21 years old, very beautiful, extremely smart and lives a freaking continent away from me, yes it is an LDR, but it wasn’t a problem when i first got into the rp because we had meetup plans for summer, but that didn’t really happen because her mom prohibited us from meeting until she gets her degree which will be at least two years from now, and that’s when things started getting really nasty but i’ll talk about that later, in addition of her studying in a university she is also running lots of businesses along with her siblings that are very successful, so you can imagine there is a lot of stress in her life even if she keeps saying she enjoys what she does. And if that wasn’t enough she is also the result of bad parenting (in my opinion), her parents weren’t living in the same country ever since she was a kid, occasional visits here and there but she was raised by relatives and grandparents, had a scandal a few years back because of a douchy ex that published her private pictures and her parents’ reaction wasn’t really supportive, but destructive, hell even today her mom still reminds her of it trying to inflict even more guilt. So needless to say that when I found her she was a mess but I still fell in love with her, tried to help with her problems and actually made her forgert about all of it and open up to the world.

 

A background of the rp : we’ve been together for more than 9 months now,the girl fell in love with me so hard from day one,just after a few hours of texting the girl was already craving for more, she was confessing her love to me very early on which i know is very unusual, she was also telling me how afraid she was abt it herseld,but i wasnt really intending to be in a relationship with her and especially since she was very far away but i enjoyed spending time with her regardless and thats what i did, and i know it sounds cheesy but little by little i was falling for her, until i eventually told her that our feelings were mutual, and that didn’t happen until almost a month, but until then I gave her a really hard time, making her invest in me and want more and more just seemed to happen naturally and even after we both went lovey dovey, i was very strict, refused to deal with any kind of bs and even then we had fights but they werent as intense, she always got so turned on with me, even came multiple times jst from using whatever we have to dirty talk and all that, it was kind of sub/dom rp where i could control what she does ( to a reasonable exent), very exclusive from the very beginning, kind of like a husband/wife rp.

 

The actual problem or problems : my gf has a health situation where she occasionally ends up having a hard time breathing along with heart pain and that’s what usually happens when we fight and when she gets too agitated,sometimes it gets so bad she ends up spending the night in a hospital, the only solution is diet and a stress free life, but thats very hard to keep with the amount of fighting we have, recently it has become so common almost thrice a week, it has become nastier and she just plain loses control over her feelings, and usually after that she says she wants to break up, i try to calm her out of it and make her change her decision bec i know shes not serious abt it anyway, you can try to calm her you can try to go all sweet over her but it just doesn’t work, and sometimes its over the stupidest thing ever like : why wont u wake up earlier to talk to me ? or if i’m gonna hang out with my friends and she wants to talk, she will get mad if i even go texting girls and yeah she has my pw, she gets so possessive that it doesn’t give me space to breathe. She used to try to contain these feelings before out of fear that i might dump her but because of the constant fights instead of trying to make her chase me i tried to take a different approach and shower her with love, be sweet prioritize her over everything because she used to alway suspect that i dont love her, or i dont do it enough, that i might cheat over her and all kinds of insecurities. Note that im very serious abt this and never cheated. So i did what i did and recently it seems as though shes taken me for granted and wouldnt hold off if she just wants to bash my ass to the wall, go on rants non stop even if u beg her to stop she wouldnt, she won’t listen to logic and sometimes it turns into a name calling match,and it never ends until i myself lose it and lash back at her, pecking at each other until theres too much damage again, in which case i usually end up apologizing to her even if i didnt do anything wrong, and her excuse is that she loves me too much and cant control her emotions. And if you try to change that, encourage her to better herself and have more control over her emotions she’d just accuse me for not loving her for who she is and that i should look for someone else i can be happy with.

Despite all of this, I love her, I love the fact that she loves me too much, even though i had some experience ive never felt this much love before and i dont want to break up with her, i know this looks like a very unhealthy rp, and i know that trying to make it work will take a lot of effort and responsibility and tbh my main concern is her health and safety and thats why i really need help from more experienced people, how should i manage all of this ? what approach ? unconditional love or laid back and dominating ?

 

I know the logial solution seems to be to just break up and end it but im afraid that will trigger some serious emotions and she could end up harming herself, so thats more like a last resort..

 

And thank you in advance

 

This will be more like a parent/child relationship if you continue and likely bordering on a co-dependent relationship. She has some very significant "issues" and the fact that you are considering sticking with her says you've gotta some issues as well -- savior complex of some kind perhaps.

 

im afraid that will trigger some serious emotions and she could end up harming herself, -- If you think she is so unstable (and she clearly is), you need to break up with her PERIOD. If she threatens to harm herself, you call the police immediately.

 

ends up having a hard time breathing along with heart pain and that’s what usually happens when we fight and when she gets too agitated -- She's having panic attacks. I might also guess she has the ability to bring this on intentionally which is manipulative and attention seeking behavior.

You do not have the skill set required to help her. She needs a good therapist and psychiatrist. Get out for your own sake. If she harms herself, it's not your fault. She has very serious issues that need professional attention. You should also be concerned that she would harm you!

[kendahke]

Have you two even met in person, or is this all being conducted over the phone? If so, then this isn't a relationship. This is an electronic pen pal situation that's gone on far too long.

 

she is also 21 years old,

her mom prohibited us from meeting until she gets her degree which will be at least two years from now,

Your girlfriend is a grown woman, so her mother can't prohibit her from doing anything anymore.

 

her parents’ reaction wasn’t really supportive, but destructive, hell even today her mom still reminds her of it trying to inflict even more guilt.

So basically, her mother is toxic.

 

the amount of fighting we have, recently it has become so common almost thrice a week, it has become nastier and she just plain loses control over her feelings, and usually after that she says she wants to break up, i try to calm her out of it and make her change her decision bec i know shes not serious abt it

You need to start calling her bluff and tell her the next time that comes out of her mouth, you are done with her. This is manipulation and you're allowing it.

 

anyway, you can try to calm her you can try to go all sweet over her but it just doesn’t work

,

 

No. It doesn't. Because placating a manipulator doesn't work. I'm guessing she's learned this from watching her mother deal with her father.

 

she will get mad if i even go texting girls and yeah she has my pw, she gets so possessive that it doesn’t give me space to breathe.

She should be doing this. If she is your girlfriend, why are you texting other girls? What are you saying to them that ends up launching your girlfriend?

 

She used to try to contain these feelings before out of fear that i might dump her but because of the constant fights instead of trying to make her chase me i tried to take a different approach and shower her with love, be sweet prioritize her over everything because she used to alway suspect that i dont love her, or i dont do it enough, that i might cheat over her and all kinds of insecurities.

You're being disingenuous and that's why this isn't working like you think it should. You're attempting to lull her into a stupor so that you can go back to focusing your intimate attention on other girls.

 

If she was doing this with other guys, how would that make you feel?

 

Note that im very serious abt this and never cheated. So i did what i did and recently it seems as though shes taken me for granted and wouldnt hold off if she just wants to bash my ass to the wall, go on rants non stop even if u beg her to stop she wouldnt, she won’t listen to logic and sometimes it turns into a name calling match,and it never ends until i myself lose it and lash back at her, pecking at each other until theres too much damage again, in which case i usually end up apologizing to her even if i didnt do anything wrong, and her excuse is that she loves me too much and cant control her emotions. And if you try to change that, encourage her to better herself and have more control over her emotions she’d just accuse me for not loving her for who she is and that i should look for someone else i can be happy with.

To her, and possibly to you, love is recognized as the pain you bring each other that is familiar and what you associate with love. That is why this goes on.

 

Despite all of this, I love her, I love the fact that she loves me too much, even though i had some experience ive never felt this much love before and i dont want to break up with her, i know this looks like a very unhealthy rp, and i know that trying to make it work will take a lot of effort and responsibility and tbh my main concern is her health and safety and thats why i really need help from more experienced people, how should i manage all of this ? what approach ? unconditional love or laid back and dominating ?

There are times when you have to recognize that while you may sincerely love someone, you can be sincerely wrong for that person because you do nothing but bring out the worst in them. As I said, there is no placating a person who wants to see and latch onto the worst in you. This isn't going to work no matter how much time you waste with her.

 

My advice is to call the time of death on this already. It's not like you have to deal with her face to face--this is all being done over the phone, long distance, a continent away. The block feature works really well on all social media and communication devices.

 

I know the logial solution seems to be to just break up and end it but im afraid that will trigger some serious emotions and she could end up harming herself, so thats more like a last resort..

And that's neither your fault or your responsibility. If she tries, then they'll take her and admit her for 24 hour observation and from there, decide if she needs further observation.

 

It sounds like she needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend, especially a long distance one who does nothing but trigger her so repeatedly that she looses her dang mind.

Edited August 20, 2017 by kendahke

[spiderowl]

It really does not sound as if you are good for each other. It sounds such a turbulent and unhappy relationship. She is often out of control and in the past you have been manipulating her. I know you are not intentionally doing that now. I think you should gradually wind this down, get her used to the idea that you and she are not right for each other. If she threatens, then tell her you would have to call the police because you cannot help her from where you are. Basically, you need to gradually but determinedly extricate yourself from this. You could encourage her to talk to others so she builds up some kind of alternative support base, before you finally withdraw.

[GENOS]

Thank you all for your answers, I think I knew the answer all along I was just too much attached and independent to act on, and frankly knowing that she comes from a rich family is partially to blame for that and for my feelings of guilt

[GENOS]

I wanna know how I can break up with her without giving her a heart attack, or best make her break up with me and block me, cause its all really going down the drain rn and I need some help

[kendahke]

I wanna know how I can break up with her without giving her a heart attack, or best make her break up with me and block me, cause its all really going down the drain rn and I need some help

 

1. Change the password on your phone.

 

2. You call her and tell her. What she does with that information isn't your concern. Her rich parents will sort her out.

 

3. If she starts getting stupid on the phone, hang up and block her there and on all social media. Then move on with your life.

 

I mean, it's not like she lives around the corner and is going to come through, break your bedroom window while you're at work and run a garden hose through it and flood your place.

Edited August 21, 2017 by kendahke