wintersl33p Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 Met a guy online and he seemed nice enough so we planned for a first date. We met up and he's very smart, well educated, we have a few things in common, and he's really laid back. Grew on up on the west coast. However, the instant I saw him I was not physically attracted to him at all. He is polar opposite of my type - very nerdy, very thin, passive. I could tell he was SUPER nervous because he would not stop touching his face and scratching his head. I don't know if it's a hygiene thing or if it was first date jitters. It was REALLY distracting. That combined with the lack of attraction and me leading most of the conversation, I am really on the fence. Physical attraction is important to me. He texted me to ask for a second date and I'm not sure what to do. He is very nice and polite, I could see myself being friends with him... I'm wondering if I should just chalk it up to nerves, accept the second date and see if maybe it was just first date jitters? IME anytime I've tried to force myself to be attracted to someone it just didn't work out, but I've also never dated anyone this nervous before.
Miss Spider Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 This almost exact thing happened to me yesterday. I vote no. Nice and polite is great but that won't make you attracted. There has to be something more there. Don't lead the poor guy on. 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 If the first date is not a psycho and you seemed to have a decent conversation, go on a second date and ser what happens..... There are numerous examples of people who are martied based on the first date would have ended it after date 1 because of belief of no attraction. But for them it came out on date 2. 1
Bantosm Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 And another nice guy is in danger of biting the dust. Females are hardwired to find guys they consider to be bad boys more attractive. Sadly, I'll have a better response if I'm irritated and bit of a jerk as opposed to being nice and polite. You never seen his photos before setting a date?
rightondude Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 I say, based on other postings here, if you're bored, go ahead and have sex with him and see how it goes? 3
Author wintersl33p Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 And another nice guy is in danger of biting the dust. Females are hardwired to find guys they consider to be bad boys more attractive. Sadly, I'll have a better response if I'm irritated and bit of a jerk as opposed to being nice and polite. You never seen his photos before setting a date? I saw plenty of photos of him. But seeing someone online and in person is never the same. Some people take bad photos and look better in person. Vice versa. And I don't need a jerk, I prefer someone that is more outgoing and a bit more assertive. I hadn't seen that from him. But again, it was only one date and he seemed very anxious. That is much different than a jerk. The guy I've been attracted to most in my life was much like this guy - nerdy, dad bod, very educated. But at the same time, he was also flirtatious, self assured, and very playful.
Author wintersl33p Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 I say, based on other postings here, if you're bored, go ahead and have sex with him and see how it goes? Not my speed. However, I do see your point. 1
Miss Spider Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 (edited) And another nice guy is in danger of biting the dust. Females are hardwired to find guys they consider to be bad boys more attractive. Sadly, I'll have a better response if I'm irritated and bit of a jerk as opposed to being nice and polite. You never seen his photos before setting a date knew someone would go here. Polite and nice is the reason she is still considering giving him a second chance. She probably was doing the "Give a guy a little outside your physical 'type' a chance, he might be better in person" thing so often recommended.. Not to mention people can look vastly different from their pics. People often take a lot of pics and get their best ones to put on dating sites. Then you have the difference in appearance and persona by things like mannerisms/ticks (like head scratching), personality(not being able to carry their part of the convo), expressions, posture, list goes on. So many reasons she could not be attracted, but it must be 'cause he's nice Edited August 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough
rightondude Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 knew someone would go here. Polite and nice is the reason she is still considering giving him a second chance. She probably was doing the "Give a guy a little outside your physical 'type' a chance, he might be better in person" thing so often recommended.. Not to mention people be vastly different from their pics. People using take a lot of pics and get their best ones to put on dating sites. Then you have the difference in appearance and persona by things like mannerisms/ticks (like head scratching), personality(not being able to carry their part of the convo), expressions, posture, list goes on. So many reasons she could not be attracted, but it must be 'cause he's nice agreed. Generally I feel "nice guys getting the shaft" just means they're kinda boring to be around. Just cause you're "nice" doesn't give you free reign to get any chick you want. The mistake is thinking women want a-holes. No, they want confident, secure men who don't grovel and kiss their behinds for no good reason. It took me a long time to come to this realization. You don't have to not be polite or complimentary, but you do have to have a sack. 1
rightondude Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 Not my speed. However, I do see your point. really??? what did you think my point was? Just curious... 1
SammySammy Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 First impressions aren't always lasting impressions. Some studies have shown our level of attraction can change as we get to know a person better. However, if you are sure you will always think of him a certain way then do both of you a favor and move on.
Author wintersl33p Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 really??? what did you think my point was? Just curious... Skip to the sex to see if there is any physical attraction beyond the first meeting. Maybe tame in the streets but not in the sheets?
coolheadal Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 Met a guy online and he seemed nice enough so we planned for a first date. We met up and he's very smart, well educated, we have a few things in common, and he's really laid back. Grew on up on the west coast. However, the instant I saw him I was not physically attracted to him at all. He is polar opposite of my type - very nerdy, very thin, passive. I could tell he was SUPER nervous because he would not stop touching his face and scratching his head. I don't know if it's a hygiene thing or if it was first date jitters. It was REALLY distracting. That combined with the lack of attraction and me leading most of the conversation, I am really on the fence. Physical attraction is important to me. He texted me to ask for a second date and I'm not sure what to do. He is very nice and polite, I could see myself being friends with him... I'm wondering if I should just chalk it up to nerves, accept the second date and see if maybe it was just first date jitters? IME anytime I've tried to force myself to be attracted to someone it just didn't work out, but I've also never dated anyone this nervous before. Now you know.. Skype first then decide to go on a date with him? Too late you are not physically attracted to him and going on a second date will be a disaster. He's not your type and you shouldn't settle for not your type. I read the other comments here why even bother to have sex with someone you do not find appealing? For you it's looks, you do not like what he was doing with himself. He's seems less confident, you seem to need alpha male a leader someone that can carry a conversation, someone smart but not nerdy looking. You overlook a few details... !. Speak on the phone or skype or FB Voice/Video Chat PC or Cell 2. Talk about couple of hours see if you to click. Right now you two don't click so say hey just not going to work your not my type. Tell him the truth do not play games or lie. So he will leave you alone. You know what to do next time. See if you the guy or girl stinks, that's a turn-off , you should really click on the cell phone or video phone so you know that the date would be great. When I woman tells a guy so you look different than you do in your pictures or I have family emergency I have to go back home now I just got a call to leave and escape from you. I'll call you later.. This part you don't say it but that's the reason why you would exit out of the date. Never stay in a date if you don't like how this guy is in person. No second date you don't like as a lover you only like him as friend only. He doesn't turn you on in other words.
7675 Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 agreed. Generally I feel "nice guys getting the shaft" just means they're kinda boring to be around. Just cause you're "nice" doesn't give you free reign to get any chick you want. The mistake is thinking women want a-holes. No, they want confident, secure men who don't grovel and kiss their behinds for no good reason. It took me a long time to come to this realization. You don't have to not be polite or complimentary, but you do have to have a sack. This is why women are so confusing. Most of them take pride in being "strong, independent women who can take charge and don't need a man telling them what to do" Then when it comes to dating, the men who give them a chance to be that way are seen as "boring" "passive" etc. They need to be more assertive and take the lead. So then these guys start taking tips from PUA and all the "how to get girls" gurus.. but suddenly, they're playing games
Chilli Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 (edited) Sorry but all this sh@t these days just cracks me up. So when someone isn't attracted , the other ones got some huge problem. Everybody has their thing, we can't be attracted to just anyone, can't be ourselves with just anyone, don't shine with just anyone, everyone's different, bad match good match ahh, look for the good match, the only problem with anyone here is this ones a bad match.. Edited August 20, 2017 by Chilli
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 The problem here is not just about physical attraction; he can't hold up his end of the conversation either. Attraction is multifaceted, the OP has already said she is into his "type", so I guess it is his personality that is lacking here and makes him unattractive. The guy I've been attracted to most in my life was much like this guy - nerdy, dad bod, very educated. But at the same time, he was also flirtatious, self assured, and very playfulIt is not about wanting "bad boys" nor about wanting guys to lead or monopolise the conversation, nor about wanting guys to play silly PUA games... It is a lot more basic than that, it is about wanting to be able to sit down with a guy and have a nice, friendly and fun two way conversation, without awkwardness, excessive nervousness or him making odd gestures - exactly like one would expect to do with any other adult person. The OP is not his mother, she is not obliged to "fix" him. Too many men IMO expect women to put up with all sorts of nonsense and some women will take on all sorts of weird guys as they feel sorry for them. Most women just need a "normal" adult man. Life is hard enough without carrying a grown man around. 1
Piddle Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 Physical attraction grows. I've plenty times thought eeew to a guy and then suddenly when you get to know how amazing he is you think 'actually he's pretty hot in his own way' IMO anyways. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 wintersl33p It depends. Are you someone for whom attraction can grow over time? If so, then do give this nice guy a 2nd date to see if the 1st meeting nervous tics calm down. If you are like me & attraction is instantaneous or it never materializes don't waste the guy's time. Thank him for the offer for a 2nd date, sooner rather than later. Don't ghost. Tell him you don't see this working out. Wish him well & send him back to OLD.
BluEyeL Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 I am deeply in love and married to someone I was on the fence about at the first date. I loved his eyes, how kind they seemed and he did hold his own during conversation although he was also shy. But I wasn't sure I'd be attracted enough. Knowing that I am not easily attracted first thing unless the guy is really looking and behaving like a movie star, which usually doesn't end well since I don't look and behave like a movie star myself I finally decided it to give it a go. Physical attraction wasn't much better at the second date but it grew by the fourth. In the end , I was rewarded, I hit the jackpot, he is a keeper, a wonderful man and partner and I'd do anything for him. My parents met him and my mom couldn't wrap her head around "how did you find such a good man?". Best compliment. She really didn't like my ex husband and didn't hold back on letting me know. So I do vote with giving the guy a few dates, not just another one, if he seems like a great person and you seem to have some things in common. Even if it doesn't work out, it's still worth a try.
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 BluEyeL That works if you are a person who can grow attraction over time. Glad you hit the jackpot! I'm not wired that way. The attraction is either there from the moment I lay eyes on a guy or it never comes. It's not about what a great person the guy is . . .it's more primal. I have a buddy I met when I was in the 10th grade. I have known him for almost 40 years. By anybody's definition he is an awesome guy: coaches kids' sports; is caring & sensitive; is intelligent; has a great sense of humor; still is a man's man; follows his favorite pro-teams faithfully; is religious; takes care of his parents when then need help; and does volunteer charity work. I have cried on his shoulder, spent time with him, served as each other's stand in dates when we were both single but the idea of dating him of being physical, it's just not there & never will be. He's still an amazing guy & I am proud to call him one of my best friends but there was never any attraction.
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 I think the question that needs asked is "Can I see myself kissing, making out and having sex with this guy, ever? If the answer is yes or maybe then a second date may be feasible, but if a resounding NO then I guess no point. No-one who is dating seriously needs any more opposite sex "friends" hanging about to potentially complicate the situation. 1
BluEyeL Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 I said on the fence not **** no! Other than that to each their own. I guess I don't understand the instantaneous physical attraction thing, it seems to really be a thing. I think people are really missing out for putting that at the top of their list but that's just me and how I'm wited, and as long as I'm happy who cares what other people are doing ? 1
coolheadal Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 I think the question that needs asked is "Can I see myself kissing, making out and having sex with this guy, ever? If the answer is yes or maybe then a second date may be feasible, but if a resounding NO then I guess no point. No-one who is dating seriously needs any more opposite sex "friends" hanging about to potentially complicate the situation. I believe we're all missing the point. The OP said she wasn't attracted to him so why do we all assume she could be even if she gone on a second date?
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