Miss Spider Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 I think what might be bothering Hippy is other guys bring their SO's when they want to come and they have fun and her bf doesn't think he can do that with her. Maybe because she doesn't drink (I don't either, so I often feel like the odd one out at events like these) or approve of what he says and does drunk and acting a fool.
greymatter Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 I think what might be bothering Hippy is other guys bring their SO's when they want to come and they have fun and her bf doesn't think he can do that with her. Maybe because she doesn't drink (I don't either, so I often feel like the odd one out at events like these) or approve of what he says and does drunk and acting a fool. Exactly. She wants to be invited, and to feel like he wants her there. 2
Author hippychick3 Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 I think what might be bothering Hippy is other guys bring their SO's when they want to come and they have fun and her bf doesn't think he can do that with her. Maybe because she doesn't drink (I don't either, so I often feel like the odd one out at events like these) or approve of what he says and does drunk and acting a fool. What is upsetting is that we have gone out with his friends drinking SO many times before, and he has had fun even with me there. He's just made this decision about this event before we even met that he would never bring anyone (I would say that most of his friends do not bring someone, although some do). I figured after 4 years, he would have changed his mind. But, the deeper we get into the relationship and the more he does for me, the more he wants to use that as a reason to have this day to himself. What I would like to know is if he knew that I would not get upset about anything at all, would let him socialize to his heart's content, would have just as much fun socializing on my own, and he would not have to feel any responsibility towards me, would he still want me there. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 What is upsetting is that we have gone out with his friends drinking SO many times before, and he has had fun even with me there. If he has invited you a sh@tload of times before, and you're still upset, you're borderline controlling. Not that it's anything unique or crazy bad. It's my opinion that it's a woman's prerogative to bust a guy's balls every time he wants to spend time away from her. It's actually nice to see so many female posters taking the guy's side. If you want to know what the consensus is, count em up and let us know. 3
Miss Spider Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 What is upsetting is that we have gone out with his friends drinking SO many times before, and he has had fun even with me there. He's just made this decision about this event before we even met that he would never bring anyone (I would say that most of his friends do not bring someone, although some do). I figured after 4 years, he would have changed his mind. But, the deeper we get into the relationship and the more he does for me, the more he wants to use that as a reason to have this day to himself. What I would like to know is if he knew that I would not get upset about anything at all, would let him socialize to his heart's content, would have just as much fun socializing on my own, and he would not have to feel any responsibility towards me, would he still want me there. He's actually being controlling too. If it's true it's a principle thing that he's held on since he met you, he is being stubborn! I'm stubborn too so I would be like how about I go with you to THIS EVENT and you can go to 10 more by yourself. I WANT TO GO TO THIS EVENT. haha 1
Author hippychick3 Posted August 20, 2017 Author Posted August 20, 2017 My boyfriend's family does a big vacation every year. This past January his parents flew out over here and rented this really cool house in SF for a week. Boyfriend asked me if I could come stay for however long I could. I was able to get a little time off work and hung out with everyone for about two days. Alright. Cool. I'm "in" with the family now. A few months ago, Boyfriend told me that he's going to go visit his parents for a week or two. I was immediately hurt that he hadn't asked me to go with him. But that hurt lasted for all of five seconds. I knew better. His mom has kept in constant contact with me, and has repeatedly invited me to come visit, and to even bring my kids. Last night my boyfriend told me that he finally bought his plane tickets. Shoot, good for him! I'm happy that he's going to go see his parents again. Even with his mom's open invitation to me to come visit, I'm not going to bully my way into him taking me along. Everyone needs their own me time with their people. I know he loves me. He's already asked me to come along to their big vacation they're planning for next year. OP, I understand that hurt you feel. It's always nice to be asked and to feel wanted and included. But couples don't need to be attached at the hip. If everything else is good (he does sound like a great guy from everything else you've written about him in this post) I'd let him have this one, and try to let go of the hurt you feel. Thank you for sharing that, rushed. That's very helpful. I can very much relate to what you are saying.
Shining One Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 He's actually being controlling too. If it's true it's a principle thing that he's held on since he met you, he is being stubborn! I'm stubborn too so I would be like how about I go with you to THIS EVENT and you can go to 10 more by yourself. I WANT TO GO TO THIS EVENT. haha I foresee a "My boyfriend wants to go to ten events without me" thread following if this actually happened. 1
anna121 Posted August 20, 2017 Posted August 20, 2017 What I would like to know is if he knew that I would not get upset about anything at all, would let him socialize to his heart's content, would have just as much fun socializing on my own, and he would not have to feel any responsibility towards me, would he still want me there. Interesting question. I think this situation has to do with deeper dynamics in your relationship. I suspect the answer is that he would be fine with you being there if it wouldn't have any impact on the way he has experienced this event and clearly wants to continue doing so. But for whatever reason(s) - he doesn't believe those things. My H and I can be quite independent of each other. I tend to socialize with friends solo more than he does, but we both are attuned to what a particular outing with friends is likely to be like, and tailor our expectations. That said, a weekend away would be different, and I too would be hurt if my husband didn't WANT me at something that clearly was not a "guy's" thing. But it would make me examine my own behaviour as well as his attitude to see what was the ultimate cause. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 It's pretty simple: 1. The bf doesn't want OP there. 2. He agreed to invite her because he is trying to avoid a fight. 3. He would be much happier if she didn't go. 4. If she goes or even makes a big deal of not going, seeds of resentment will be firmly planted. This is not gender specific either. I am a female that needs a lot of space (more than most men) and I feel suffocated just by reading this thread. 1
coolheadal Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 (edited) I had a difficult time understanding parts of your post but will answer as many questions as I can without getting into too many personal details. This event is an ADULTS ONLY event. It's partying and drinking. It's not a place for kids. Saying he couldn't talk to me the whole time was his way of saying that he wanted to talk to everyone there and not be offended if we separated at times. When I have my kids, he typically does not come visit me. However, he has many times come when they're here, and I have brought them there many times. We have all gone to events together and have taken vacations together. We are actually going on a week vacation again right before the tailgate party. We are taking my daughter with us as we did last year. I don't understand what you're saying about events he goes to that I don't want to go to and don't ask? There is one event in the spring I have no interest in. It's not an issue at all. I haven't forced him to do anything. He doesn't want me to be upset so told me that I am coming. I would drive there if I do decide to go (still not sure if I will). I an aware of every single person who will be at the event. It's the same group every year. I know what he's doing at all times we are apart. We communicate frequently. He doesn't hide anything from me, and I have no reason not to trust him. He typically plays golf on the weekends and stays home in the evenings when we are not together. There is no issue here. My kids like him a lot and get along with him. We usually spend more than the weekend together. I have my summers off and many breaks throughout the year that I spend with him for up to a week at a time. He will usually spend 4 days with me when he comes. We have taken many extended trips together. The plan is for me to move there when my youngest graduates hs in 4 years. However, he is looking into other job opportunities here so he could possibly move back. Then we will get married. He does not normally want time away from me when he has his friends. He rarely excludes me from anything. This is the only event that he wants to let loose and relax with no responsibilities at all. He spends all his free time with me when I am available. There are no other events he goes to without me. Every wedding, baby shower, gender reveal, bday parties, etc., he takes me. He asks me to adjust my schedule to go if I have my kids. I found this post again, well you left out a lot of things to figure out with. Now I see what your talking about.. So your only troubled for the one you don't go too because he wants his me time without you. He's the sort of man that believes that way. You have put up with it for 3 years so what has changed in your life. i see is has some kids issues minor but still ones. So you have to wait 4 years until your youngest grad until he's move in with you perm. Like 7 years total wow just to get married. If you are okay with all of this just continue like it was normal. You have to give him his space you have to do that until you two are 100% living together. You have settle for the way he is and that's what he wants. Adult only event where you can't go too. Doesn't make much sense but he has his reasons as you believe his answers so you just put up with all of this now after 3 years of being with him. You have to wait another 4 years before he would move in and marry you because a job or is there something else you have mention? But in all it's you that has to be happy. He has his fun without you also. Is it just me here but 7 years such a long time to wait to be with someone 100%. Edited August 21, 2017 by coolheadal 1
Els Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 I honestly think that this is much too much ado over nothing. You yourself say that this is a one-time thing and he spends all his available time with you and bends over backwards to accommodate you, OP. Don't make a big fuss over this. 4
soyou Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 (edited) To be very very honest, since this is only one-time-a-year thing, I think you should let it go Op. I dont know why you insisted on going and joining him and his friends while he already expressed with you that he didnt want to? I dont get it? Dont you have your own friends or somewhere else to go for fun? I'm similar to your boyfriend. Certain events which I always hang out with my best friends, I would never include my partner, the reasons are exactly the same as what you bf expressed: 1) Me and my friends we know each other since we were so young. We have a history together and we speak slangs and terms which no outsiders could understand. A newcomer could feel left out and hard to mingle in. Taking a partner with me means I have to take care of his well-being, how he feels, whether he's having a good time. That sucks! 2) I also like to do silly stuff with my friends. We would get super high and dance our brain out or do some silly competition). If I were your bf, I would feel pissed, angry, and resentful toward you. Go and have your own fun, with your own friends. Why do you always want to stick with him and his friends? C'mon be an adult and have this pass. Edited August 21, 2017 by soyou 3
kendahke Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 (edited) Exactly. She wants to be invited, and to feel like he wants her there. This isn't the issue. This is the issue: Although, it isn't a couples event. A lot of people go alone and leave spouses at home (nothing to do with cheating). That's like having an unmarried couple you and your children go spend time with 51 other weekends out of the year. The weekend they decide to get married and say they don't want children at the wedding/reception, your nose is out of joint because you've brought your children around them 51 other weekends. There are times when friends like to spend time with friends, like when they were all back in school, without spouses/partners. This is one of those weekends. The other 51 weekends, they're cool with having everyone else's spouse. OP, you're being unreasonable and are planting seeds of resentment which will end up poisoning your relationship. Edited August 21, 2017 by kendahke 4
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 OP, you're being unreasonable and are planting seeds of resentment which will end up poisoning your relationship. I think it is already too late for that. I don't know about him, he may or may not hold a grudge, he is after all, I presume, going to get his own way so probably not, but the OP is already on that path, I guess. 1
olivetree Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 OP, please correct me if I'm wrong, but could the underlying problem be that you feel the relationship is not progressing? 2
Author hippychick3 Posted August 22, 2017 Author Posted August 22, 2017 Just to clear things up reading through the last several posts some of which were a little dramatic and exaggerated. I did NOT insist that he take me. I never told him to take me. I do not "always want to stick with him and his friends"...that is quite the ridiculous statement. There has never been an occasion that I asked to hang with his friends in the 4 years we've been dating. Every time we have it was because he wanted me there. I have MANY of my own friends who I see on a regular basis with and without my bf. My bf does not spend all of HIS available time with me. He spends my available weekend time with me. So there are many weekends in which I am unavailable and he is free. He does see friends and has opportunities to do things alone quite a bit. For a poster to say she feels suffocated reading this thread is ridiculous. All over one event and in a long distance relationship? um, okay. I guarantee you that he does not feel suffocated. I am the most independent woman he's ever dated. I am perfectly fine with waiting 4 years to get married. My priority is my child I still have at home. My life revolves around her when she is with me and I cherish our time alone together. My bf has known this since we met and has NO problem with this at all. I love my space and am also not like most women. I require a lot of space and freedom, and this relationship allows me that. With that being said, I still would like to have him around more than I do. There's enough space to have him around more and neither of us to feel suffocated. He wants this as well. The issue of this event is more of an issue BECAUSE our time together is limited. However, the rest of the relationship is good and I know he's a good person. So, I'm not going to go to the event. It doesn't mean I won't feel hurt about it. But, I'm a big girl and will get over it. Thank you to those who were able to understand both of our perspectives and give me helpful feedback. 2
greymatter Posted August 22, 2017 Posted August 22, 2017 hippychick, a number of posters projected their own issues onto you. It's not you, and I am glad you know that. I understand where you are coming from, and I'm similar in some of the same ways. 1
SunnyWeather Posted August 22, 2017 Posted August 22, 2017 It wouldn't sit well with me too if my partner didn't want me to go with him to an event where others' spouses were in attendance--it would feel off, especially given the limited time availability you have. I also would send him off to the event and let him come to his own realizations about his choices. If he doesn't want to be with you, if he'd rather be solo so he can get blinded drunk without you or do whatever, let him have at it. Doesn't mean you have to stay in it either if you don't like it curious, does he imbibe in other substances he doesn't want you to know about?
Author hippychick3 Posted August 22, 2017 Author Posted August 22, 2017 It wouldn't sit well with me too if my partner didn't want me to go with him to an event where others' spouses were in attendance--it would feel off, especially given the limited time availability you have. I also would send him off to the event and let him come to his own realizations about his choices. If he doesn't want to be with you, if he'd rather be solo so he can get blinded drunk without you or do whatever, let him have at it. Doesn't mean you have to stay in it either if you don't like it curious, does he imbibe in other substances he doesn't want you to know about? No, not at all. It's a big beer fest, nothing else. I'm pretty liberal minded (I don't partake in any substances either, but I don't judge). He wouldn't have any reason to keep that from me.
SunnyWeather Posted August 22, 2017 Posted August 22, 2017 No, not at all. It's a big beer fest, nothing else. I'm pretty liberal minded (I don't partake in any substances either, but I don't judge). He wouldn't have any reason to keep that from me. well, then, I stand by what else I wrote. Maybe this is the moment when the relationship becomes clearer about where each of you stand, the values you hold dear and whether those are complimentary or not. I've had a few of these types of issues come up in my relatively new relationship (1.5 years). They were tests about how we each felt, what we each needed etc. So far, speaking my truth, revealing how I honestly felt, was the turning point where he responded in a way that allowed the relationship to move forward. I hope for the best for you. 3
Ieris Posted August 22, 2017 Posted August 22, 2017 @hippychick3 ~ I'm glad that you are taking in what people are saying because you have a good man on your hands so don't create issues when there are none. You say you are an independent woman who loves her space and freedom, so allow him to enjoy his space and freedom without being resentful about it. "Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves" 2
Author hippychick3 Posted September 11, 2017 Author Posted September 11, 2017 (edited) UPDATE: So the event took place yesterday... Since I started this thread, we had not discussed the event again despite spending the next few weekends together. It was a sore topic, and the discussion was left at him telling me that I was coming no matter what (obviously to avoid me being upset). So a couple days before this weekend, I had decided that I was just not going to go and make other plans. Before I told him this, he asked what time I would be arriving for the weekend. I then brought up the event and that I was completely okay with not going if he wanted to go alone...no anger or passive aggressiveness. He immediately said that he wanted me there, I was going, and he didn't want to talk about it anymore. Of course, I pushed further because I definitely did NOT want to go if he truly didn't want me to be there. After more discussion, it was clear that he only didn't want me there because he was worried he'd say or do something during the event that would cause me to be upset or complain later (I am not a crazy gf at all but can be oversensitive). If he knew I would be "chill" and relaxed the whole time and he can then be chill and relaxed himself, he wanted me there. So, I went and had the BEST time! I got along with everyone there, bonded more with the girls from the last trip, and met new people. My boyfriend was super relaxed and we mingled apart and together. I was very outgoing so he wouldn't feel I was clinging to him or expecting him to entertain me. And, it was often him that came to find me or gestured for me to come to him. He was affectionate and loving towards me on and off the whole day and night (event lasted about 12 hours). He even brought up the other spring event he goes to without me and asked if I would go to that as well. In the end, he was happy I was there and made it clear it's an event I will be going to with him from here on. Edited to add: I did receive a personal invitation to the event a couple weeks ago when they were sent out. Edited September 11, 2017 by hippychick3 1
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