Fight with boyfriend over an event

August 20, 2017

I just don't get you, OP. Sounds like you have a great relationship. If you can't get over this one time he wants to do something on his own, then go ahead - get into fight, ruin his mood and let him start building up resentment. If I remember righ, you said that he didn't even want to go anymore last year this happened?

You make it all about yourself - "but why not choose ME?

I AM hurt, I AM left aside, I WANT him to want me there", but what you're achieving is putting him in between of a rock and hard place where he can't do something for himself without feeling like he's letting you down. That's not a good road to go.

August 20, 2017

He doesn't want you to "fit in" with the guys. So this is a no win situation for him. He and the guys can't act normal if you come and then if you decide to be a good sport and fit in, then you're acting like a guy, not his wife. Some things are better left separated -- as long as it's not just an organized cheating outing and it doesn't sound like it is. He wants you only around his friends when they're not doing guy night and being more civilized!

There are an equal number of females there. So I don't consider it a guy's thing.

It's definitely not a cheating outing, and I'm not worried about that. But I am definitely not happy that they will be there if I'm not.

August 20, 2017

I understand why you are hurt in this situation as you want to be included. However, you've stated that this is the one event that he attends alone each year and includes you in everything else.

I suggest that you try and remove all of the "whys?" from the situation and just accept that he wants this time with his friends.

Think about this from his perspective. This is obviously an important event for him, for whatever reason. If you continue to push the issue, he will either stop going which will build resentment or he will bring you with which will have the same outcome. You may feel better if you tag along but I doubt he will feel the same.

This is one of those situations where the relationship will either be strengthened or it could potentially be weakened. I think you will find you have a much better relationship on your hands if he has this one trip to himself each year.

Edited August 20, 2017 by OatsAndHall

August 20, 2017

I think it boils down to the fact that I want more togetherness in a long term relationship.

This is the crux of the matter.

This LDR is getting tedious and with this attempt to create "distance" from the bf, it just doesn't sit well with the OP.

Relationships need to progress, and it did during the last party where the OP was accepted into the group and she felt it was going somewhere, but now with the tailgating event it took a big step backwards and that is very uncomfortable for the OP, as it questions where his allegiance truly lies.

The girls in the group did not really accept the OP, but now they will all be there hobnobbing with her bf whilst she has to sit at home and not see him for another week or two...

August 20, 2017

I think she should take a nice trip to Vegas with some girlie friends when he does this....make it a semi annual thing. Go see the Thunder from Down Under.

August 20, 2017

I think she should take a nice trip to Vegas with some girlie friends when he does this....make it a semi annual thing. Go see the Thunder from Down Under.

If she were going to do her own trip somewhere (not that she is, and not that it would necessarily be a healthy response), it should definitely be mixed company, not an all female group.

I wonder, if the situation were reversed and a woman were the one going to a similar event, how a man in a committed relationship with her would feel. Would he worry about whether or not he is a priority in her life, given the wish for him to not be there so she can let loose, so to speak? Especially in the context of a long distance relationship where time together is precious and being part of one another's important events matter as much or more than if they lived close together.

OP, don't discount your feelings and trust your instincts. I wouldn't like it either. You are in no way a "PITA" for feeling this way, IMO.

August 20, 2017

I think she should take a nice trip to Vegas with some girlie friends when he does this....make it a semi annual thing. Go see the Thunder from Down Under.

When he goes to his spring event, I always make it a girls trip getaway. If I don't go to the tailgate, I will most definitely be out having fun with my friends.

August 20, 2017

I wonder, if the situation were reversed and a woman were the one going to a similar event, how a man in a committed relationship with her would feel. Would he worry about whether or not he is a priority in her life, given the wish for him to not be there so she can let loose, so to speak? Especially in the context of a long distance relationship where time together is precious and being part of one another's important events matter as much or more than if they lived close together.

As a man who has been in this situation, I have been totally fine with it.

August 20, 2017

OP: How old are your kids? I take it that your bf doesn't have kids. Does it occur to you it takes much patience and effort for someone without kids to accommodate one's schedule to someone with kids, especially those kids are not too old. Add this to the long distance. And now all this drama over nothing. I hope your bf is not losing steam. Good luck!

August 20, 2017

OP: Just read your very first thread on the forum, in which you recounted giving your bf some passive agressive treatment because he didn't take the initiative to text you during the few hours he was away with his friends/brother. Must be an exahausting job to be your bf. I applaud him for not losing his patience. Sorry for being blunt.

August 20, 2017

There are an equal number of females there. So I don't consider it a guy's thing.

It's definitely not a cheating outing, and I'm not worried about that. But I am definitely not happy that they will be there if I'm not.

Well, then he doesn't want to deal with however it is that he thinks you're going to act once there. Whatever that is. I don't know if it's he doesn't want you clinging or he doesn't want you talking to guys or if there's something you do that embarrasses him or if he's flirting with a woman there. I don't know if he doesn't want to, as you sort of mentioned, feel he has to keep checking in with you and just wants to be free to roam or what. If you trust that he isn't there to cheat with someone that shows up at these, then I still say why fight about it. He's going to be mad if you go and you're not going to have a good time.

August 20, 2017

I understand why OP is upset. It doesn't feel good to be excluded.

I also understand her boyfriend. Sometimes I want alone time with my friends (I'm a woman). It doesn't matter if it's only women or a mixed event. It allows me to reconnect with my friends in a way I just can't when my SO is around. It allows me to embarass myself. Say stupid things. Focus on my friends 100%.

OP, would you still want to go to this event, assuming you won't see your boyfriend the whole evening? (Because you'll both be busy socializing with other people)

If you wouldn't you're basically ruining his evening, making it a couples thing.

Edited August 20, 2017 by 2much4

August 20, 2017

and his friends probably expect me to be there since I was at the party a couple months ago. His friend actually invited me last year.

"Probably" is not definitely. It's speculation.

Did they send you an invite to this event? That would make this "definitely". The absence of the invite should speak for itself.

Remember: their loyalty is to him, not you. If these were your friends, a standing invite where you didn't need your boyfriend to bring you because they gave you the invite directly would have been issued a long time ago.

If everything else is fine, then don't make this the hill to die on. Do something with your crowd of friends that weekend.

August 20, 2017

"Probably" is not definitely. It's speculation.

Did they send you an invite to this event? That would make this "definitely". The absence of the invite should speak for itself.

Remember: their loyalty is to him, not you. If these were your friends, a standing invite where you didn't need your boyfriend to bring you because they gave you the invite directly would have been issued a long time ago.

If everything else is fine, then don't make this the hill to die on. Do something with your crowd of friends that weekend.

Obviously probably is speculation. I have no way of knowing for sure as the invitations were not sent out yet. The date was just decided on Friday. I was given an invitation directly and individually last year. I had met most of them 2 years ago. They expected me to come last year, so I "speculate" they will this year as well.

August 20, 2017

I understand why OP is upset. It doesn't feel good to be excluded.

I also understand her boyfriend. Sometimes I want alone time with my friends (I'm a woman). It doesn't matter if it's only women or a mixed event. It allows me to reconnect with my friends in a way I just can't when my SO is around. It allows me to embarass myself. Say stupid things. Focus on my friends 100%.

OP, would you still want to go to this event, assuming you won't see your boyfriend the whole evening? (Because you'll both be busy socializing with other people)
If you wouldn't you're basically ruining his evening, making it a couples thing.

If I were to go, it wouldn't be as if I won't see him at all. The area everyone hangs out in is not that huge. Even if he is socializing with others, he wouldn't ignore me the whole time.

I have never made a scene in my life and would never do anything to ruin his day (the event happens during the day).

August 20, 2017

Well, then he doesn't want to deal with however it is that he thinks you're going to act once there. Whatever that is. I don't know if it's he doesn't want you clinging or he doesn't want you talking to guys or if there's something you do that embarrasses him or if he's flirting with a woman there. I don't know if he doesn't want to, as you sort of mentioned, feel he has to keep checking in with you and just wants to be free to roam or what. If you trust that he isn't there to cheat with someone that shows up at these, then I still say why fight about it. He's going to be mad if you go and you're not going to have a good time.

The bolded is pretty much the case.

August 20, 2017

His most recent remarks about this event was that him not wanting me there was also a matter of "principle." He has taken me on 2 trips this year and will be taking my daughter and me on a week long trip right before this event. He feels like he revolves his entire life around me, does so much for me, and prioritizes me all of the time. So, he doesn't think it's asking too much to have this one day to himself, and that is how I would show my appreciation.

My problem with that is that since we are long distance, there are a lot of days he could have to himself. And, again, even though I (sorta) understand why he wants to go alone, it is still very hurtful that he doesn't think he will enjoy himself as much with me there. I, personally, would want him to come to any event I go to unless it was specifically just a girls event. I can't imagine NOT wanting him there with me.

August 20, 2017

His most recent remarks about this event was that him not wanting me there was also a matter of "principle." He has taken me on 2 trips this year and will be taking my daughter and me on a week long trip right before this event. He feels like he revolves his entire life around me, does so much for me, and prioritizes me all of the time. So, he doesn't think it's asking too much to have this one day to himself, and that is how I would show my appreciation.

He's right.

My problem with that is that since we are long distance, there are a lot of days he could have to himself.

But you willingly got into/stayed in a long distance relationship knowing that you both would be spending workdays away from each other.

This sounds more to me as if you're wanting to be there to stake out your territory more than you want to be there to be social with his friends on your own while he goes about mingling on his own.

And, again, even though I (sorta) understand why he wants to go alone, it is still very hurtful that he doesn't think he will enjoy himself as much with me there. I, personally, would want him to come to any event I go to unless it was specifically just a girls event. I can't imagine NOT wanting him there with me.

Don't fall into the trap of "well, if it was me, I'd do it". You and he aren't the same person with the exact same life experiences. If you want a man who does that, then dump this guy and go find that guy. That isn't this guy--and you either accept him for how/who he is and be happy and content with whom you've picked to be your man, or your reject him and bounce.

August 20, 2017

I don't know. I still don't get it. "I do so much for you, therefore I should be able to have fun at this couples event without you."? Yeah, I don't get it. But everything else is OK in your relationship? Because he kind of implied that it won't be as fun with you there. I agree if everything else is truly fine, I'd let it go

August 20, 2017

I don't know. I still don't get it. "I do so much for you, therefore I should be able to have fun at this couples event without you."? Yeah, I don't get it. But everything else is OK in your relationship? Because he kind of implied that it won't be as fun with you there. I agree if everything else is truly fine, I'd let it go

That is how I see it. Although, it isn't a couples event. A lot of people go alone and leave spouses at home (nothing to do with cheating).

August 20, 2017

My boyfriend's family does a big vacation every year. This past January his parents flew out over here and rented this really cool house in SF for a week. Boyfriend asked me if I could come stay for however long I could. I was able to get a little time off work and hung out with everyone for about two days. Alright. Cool. I'm "in" with the family now.

A few months ago, Boyfriend told me that he's going to go visit his parents for a week or two. I was immediately hurt that he hadn't asked me to go with him. But that hurt lasted for all of five seconds. I knew better.

His mom has kept in constant contact with me, and has repeatedly invited me to come visit, and to even bring my kids. Last night my boyfriend told me that he finally bought his plane tickets. Shoot, good for him! I'm happy that he's going to go see his parents again. Even with his mom's open invitation to me to come visit, I'm not going to bully my way into him taking me along. Everyone needs their own me time with their people. I know he loves me. He's already asked me to come along to their big vacation they're planning for next year.

OP, I understand that hurt you feel. It's always nice to be asked and to feel wanted and included. But couples don't need to be attached at the hip. If everything else is good (he does sound like a great guy from everything else you've written about him in this post) I'd let him have this one, and try to let go of the hurt you feel.

August 20, 2017

Wow. It seems like he is doing 90% of compromising in the relationship.

People with kids don't realize how much of a sacrifice it is to accommodate schedules of kids. As a person without kids, we are expected to prioritize other person's kids every single time. That's just a baseline norm but I can tell you it's HIGHLY inconvenient.

I totally understand him. With you at this event, he will not only have to keep a frequent eye on you and do check-ins (I am sure you will have issues if he ignores you too much) plus censor himself in how he talks to his friends. And you don't drink beer (regardless of the reason) so can't even join in there.

Poor guy. You are just taking away his last bit of fun.

August 20, 2017

Although, it isn't a couples event. A lot of people go alone and leave spouses at home (nothing to do with cheating).

I'm not getting the disconnect here.

You know what this is and that he goes every year; and you've been invited to other gatherings of the same group. You willingly got involved and stayed in a LDR, knowing that you'd only see each other on weekends.

August 20, 2017

If she were going to do her own trip somewhere (not that she is, and not that it would necessarily be a healthy response), it should definitely be mixed company, not an all female group.

I wonder, if the situation were reversed and a woman were the one going to a similar event, how a man in a committed relationship with her would feel. Would he worry about whether or not he is a priority in her life, given the wish for him to not be there so she can let loose, so to speak? Especially in the context of a long distance relationship where time together is precious and being part of one another's important events matter as much or more than if they lived close together.

OP, don't discount your feelings and trust your instincts. I wouldn't like it either. You are in no way a "PITA" for feeling this way, IMO.

My husband just tells me to go and doing go away motion with his hands lol lol.

August 20, 2017

My problem with that is that since we are long distance, there are a lot of days he could have to himself. And, again, even though I (sorta) understand why he wants to go alone, it is still very hurtful that he doesn't think he will enjoy himself as much with me there. I, personally, would want him to come to any event I go to unless it was specifically just a girls event. I can't imagine NOT wanting him there with me.

I'm also in the "Let him go" camp.

It's pretty obvious he's going to have more fun without you. I ask my girlfriend if she wants to go when me and my one idiot buddy go bar hopping and act like total idiots, hoping she'll say no. She usually does.

I won't say there's no man out there who would rather have his girlfriend/wife at every single event he attends, but I'd say it's pretty damn close...

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Fight with boyfriend over an event

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