hippychick3 Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 I've been with my bf for 4 years now. We have been long distance for 3 1/2 years. He was transferred by his job shortly after we started dating but stayed together and grew closer over the years. We are approx. 3 hours driving distance and see each other almost every weekend sometimes every other weekend. The first 2 years were every other weekend when I didn't have my kids with me. Before we met, he attended a tailgating party every year for 3 years with a group of his friends. He was single during all that time and told his friends that if he ever met anyone, he would still go alone. He wanted to just party on his own with his friends (guys and girls). Well, the first 2 years I had my kids that weekend so me going wasn't even a consideration. I did ask the 2nd year what if I didn't have my kids, and he said that he would take me of course. Well last year was our 3rd year together and I did not have my kids. We had tickets for a trip the week before the tailgating weekend, so he assumed I would just stay home that weekend and he would go back alone to the party (it's in his town). When he told me this a month before, I was very upset about it. We had a fight about it, and he ended up just staying here with me that weekend and didn't go because it left a bitter taste in his mouth after our fight. I need to say that I wanted to go. I wanted us to both go together and wasn't happy that he wouldn't. Okay, so fast forward to this year. It's coming up next month and again I don't have my kids. He is not saying I "can't go" but it's clear he'd rather go alone so he only has to worry and take care of himself. If I'm there, he says he will be constantly worrying about paying attention to me and not leaving me alone when he'd like to just go from friend to friend and not be accountable to anyone. I know all the people in the group. He invited me to a party with them in another state a couple months ago (a party that only he was invited to but asked to bring me). We had a great time. No fights or issues there at all. So, I figured of course he'd want me to go to the tailgating event this year. Nope. His attitude is that he took me to that party and now he should get to party alone at this event. I am beyond hurt. There is another event he attends with them every spring that is a convention related to an interest they all share. I have no desire to attend that since I don't have that same interest. He does say that if I did, he'd want me there. I'm very upset that this event is different. Given that the relationship already has time apart built in, the fact that he wants this weekend apart is very upsetting to me. At this point, he has told me to come and just accept that he may not be talking to me the whole time (which is fine). But, knowing he doesn't want me there makes me not want to go. Would you be upset about this too? 1
elaine567 Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 Would you be upset about this too? Yes, but if you want to continue this relationship then you need to go. I don't know why he doesn't want you there, my guess is that there will be someone or some people there he doesn't want you to meet, it is in his home town after all, old flame maybe or just some old buddies, relatives... Who knows? But if you want to be taken seriously as part of his life you need to be there and stake your claim...
Author hippychick3 Posted August 19, 2017 Author Posted August 19, 2017 (edited) Yes, but if you want to continue this relationship then you need to go. I don't know why he doesn't want you there, my guess is that there will be someone or some people there he doesn't want you to meet, it is in his home town after all, old flame maybe or just some old buddies, relatives... Who knows? But if you want to be taken seriously as part of his life you need to be there and stake your claim... I know everyone in the group. It's the exact same group that we were with out of state. There's no old flame. He just likes to let loose and drink with no stress and feels like he will be worried about me the whole time. If I had any doubts there was someone else, I would have ended it already. That I know is not the issue. Edited August 19, 2017 by hippychick3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 Hm. Have there been problems in the past when socializing together? Him wandering off and you being upset or something? Not just with this group of friends, but in general.
Author hippychick3 Posted August 19, 2017 Author Posted August 19, 2017 Hm. Have there been problems in the past when socializing together? Him wandering off and you being upset or something? Not just with this group of friends, but in general. Not really problems, but I've been on a lot of trips and to other events or get togethers with him where I didn't know anyone and he felt obligated to stay close to me. He's very independent and I know he enjoys hopping around and socializing with everyone.
darkmoon Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 what the real problem is that his depth of involvment with you seems shallow, you have a boyf who wants a crazy weekend of some sort you can still love somebody and want to go for some crazy weekend alone, so I think he loves you, but I do not think he will obey you or if he does, he might quietly wonder if you are trying to tie him down more than is comfortable for him, I think he likes things as they are, imo
kendahke Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 Not really problems, but I've been on a lot of trips and to other events or get togethers with him where I didn't know anyone and he felt obligated to stay close to me. He's very independent and I know he enjoys hopping around and socializing with everyone. How outgoing are you, generally? Can you talk with anyone and enjoy yourself with anyone there? I think it's really weird that you had a great experience at the other event (was he mingling and leaving you for long stretches of time at that event?), but he's thinking that you're going to have an issue with him at this event. 1
elaine567 Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 I think it's really weird that you had a great experience at the other event (was he mingling and leaving you for long stretches of time at that event?), but he's thinking that you're going to have an issue with him at this event. I agree and why is it fine to take you out of state for an event. but when it is in his home town it is a problem? 1
kendahke Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 People who have nothing to hide don't hide their behavior and make a lot of noise about wanting to keep hiding it. I have a saying: the guilty always make the most noise. There is someone there at that event that he doesn't want you to know about. And don't forget: those people you met? They're all his friends, not yours. Their first loyalty is to him, not you. 2
smackie9 Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 Me and my husband have these ME time events/trips all the time. It's healthy to have a life outside the relationship. I say let him have this one thing where he can be on his own to have a good time. It's only once a year, it's not going to kill ya. 11
preraph Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 Honestly, I don't think you should go. I am looking at it if the situation was reversed and you had some big thing you and all your old girlfriends like to do where you let it all hang out and talked trash and table talk without having to censor yourself because some spouse came along. As long as he is willing to mix you with his friends occasionally like at that party, then he's not hiding anything. He just doesn't want his old buddies to think he's whipped and he probably acts different with them around than with you around and he doesn't want to not have that. Just my opinion. 7
elaine567 Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 Me and my husband have these ME time events/trips all the time. It's healthy to have a life outside the relationship. I say let him have this one thing where he can be on his own to have a good time. It's only once a year, it's not going to kill ya. Yes, but you are not in an long distance relationship and I guess that you are not telling your husband he can't come to events with you that he wants to go to either. 1
Author hippychick3 Posted August 19, 2017 Author Posted August 19, 2017 Yes, but you are not in an long distance relationship and I guess that you are not telling your husband he can't come to events with you that he wants to go to either. He did not say I can't go. He just would have rather gone alone. At this point he's telling me to come so I won't be upset. We are long distance but to be fair, he revolves his life around my schedule and turns down and misses a lot of stuff because he's here with me so often.
Author hippychick3 Posted August 19, 2017 Author Posted August 19, 2017 I agree and why is it fine to take you out of state for an event. but when it is in his home town it is a problem? We do A LOT in his home town. I'm there a lot and have been around his friends and family quite extensively. 1
Lorenza Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 Well if everything else is fine and he revolves his life around your schedule, as you say, so why can't you let this one time go? 7
Author hippychick3 Posted August 19, 2017 Author Posted August 19, 2017 How outgoing are you, generally? Can you talk with anyone and enjoy yourself with anyone there? I think it's really weird that you had a great experience at the other event (was he mingling and leaving you for long stretches of time at that event?), but he's thinking that you're going to have an issue with him at this event. I am very outgoing and can talk to anyone. He really did not leave me much at the out of town event though. There were some girls on the trip when all together tended to get very cliquish. One on one was totally fine with each of them but together was different as they all grew up together. He picked up on my discomfort and didn't leave for long stretches. So he didn't really mingle as much as he probably wanted to.
Author hippychick3 Posted August 19, 2017 Author Posted August 19, 2017 Well if everything else is fine and he revolves his life around your schedule, as you say, so why can't you let this one time go? I just can't understand how he wouldn't choose to have me there. I am hurt and take it as a rejection and choosing those friends over me.
Lorenza Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 I just can't understand how he wouldn't choose to have me there. I am hurt and take it as a rejection and choosing those friends over me. I read a good phrase somewhere quite recently. Something in the lines of "as soon as we realize that what other people do aren't about us, their actions will stop hurting us". You're making this all about you, OP. 7
Author hippychick3 Posted August 19, 2017 Author Posted August 19, 2017 I think it boils down to the fact that I want more togetherness in a long term relationship. I'm totally for girls and guys weekends separately with friends. But I'd like to know that when an event comes up that is not specifically a "guys thing" and I'm able to go, that he will want me there with him every time. 2
elaine567 Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 I just can't understand how he wouldn't choose to have me there. I am hurt and take it as a rejection and choosing those friends over me. After 3 years you thought you had finally been accepted into his home town friend group, but no, he still wants to exclude you. It is a punch in the guts, especially when those other girls get to be there every time... 1
Miss Spider Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 I get what you mean, hippy. It's not a boys night and I don't understand his reasoning for not wanting you to go along. It doesn't make sense to me at all. 1
Author hippychick3 Posted August 19, 2017 Author Posted August 19, 2017 Honestly, I don't think you should go. I am looking at it if the situation was reversed and you had some big thing you and all your old girlfriends like to do where you let it all hang out and talked trash and table talk without having to censor yourself because some spouse came along. As long as he is willing to mix you with his friends occasionally like at that party, then he's not hiding anything. He just doesn't want his old buddies to think he's whipped and he probably acts different with them around than with you around and he doesn't want to not have that. Just my opinion. I really don't think he's hiding anything. He does act more reserved around his friends when I'm with him according to his friends. He did tell me at one point on the trip that he was always aware I was there and didn't want to do or say anything that could make me upset. Ugh. When I type that it sounds like I'm always mad at him. I possibly do overreact. But even if I didn't, I'm not sure that would change whether or not he'd want me there.
JuneL Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 Is there a possibility they have a tradition of doing something "crazy" at this particular event that he doesn't want to involve you?
Author hippychick3 Posted August 19, 2017 Author Posted August 19, 2017 Is there a possibility they have a tradition of doing something "crazy" at this particular event that he doesn't want to involve you? They do actually, and I know all about it. They play beer games. There is A LOT of drinking. And although I drink, I don't drink beer and not nearly as much as he and his friends do. He knows that and is worried about that too. And for the record, I have no issues with his drinking and know exactly how he is when he does drink (we hang a lot with my friends too).
JuneL Posted August 19, 2017 Posted August 19, 2017 They do actually, and I know all about it. They play beer games. There is A LOT of drinking. And although I drink, I don't drink beer and not nearly as much as he and his friends do. He knows that and is worried about that too. And for the record, I have no issues with his drinking and know exactly how he is when he does drink (we hang a lot with my friends too). Maybe some will get drunk and say or do more crazy stuff...
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