CptInsano Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 I picked up my husband for our first date He let me pick, I said sushi. Brave man for never having sushi before. He loved it! I once picked a woman up with my bicycle and made her sit on the luggage rack. At least there weren't any complaints about stamina nor effort that night. 1
joseb Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 Unfortunately, the cultural conditioning in Asia is very, very strong, and it's difficult to break that mold. A fun fact - I grew up in Asia and lived there for the first two decades of my life. I had NEVER seen a couple split the bill at dinner, until I visited a Western country! I shyt you not. Two decades, not one occurrence. In fact, the conditioning was so strong that the first time I saw it happen, my initial thought wasn't "oh, so couples sometimes go dutch here", but rather "huh, do platonic friends hold hands here?!?". . Well, I've had Chinese girls who are recent immigrants insist on paying for me on first/second dates, so I don't think you can just say "Oh she's Asian, so she expects you to pay".
Shining One Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 The constant $100+ meals just puzzle me though. Asian families are typically quite frugal, even the richer ones.Some people are frugal with their own money and not someone else's. I've known people who clip fast food coupons that don't hesitate to order expensive things when someone else is paying. 1
JuneL Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 Some people are frugal with their own money and not someone else's. I've known people who clip fast food coupons that don't hesitate to order expensive things when someone else is paying. ^^^ This is the typical behavior of a stingy person 2
joseb Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 This does sorta ring alarm bells in my head. She picks the places, you pay - and she consistently picks $100+ places ALL the time? Yeah, that's not a cultural thing. Because in the same cultures where men normally pay, it's also normally expected that the woman wouldn't expect to be taken to very expensive places all the time, or rack the bill up unreasonably. IMO, unless both of you are extremely rich, that constant expenditure on dinner is rather excessive. My guy makes a decent amount of money, but for us $100+ places are a once-a-month or so thing. It just makes zero sense to us to pay that much for a meal every time. It's possible that the best solution for your pocket is not the bill-splitting per se, but rather for you to tell her that you can't take her to $100+ places every single time. It's just not sustainable and frankly, doesn't it get somewhat boring? There are lots of places that serve wonderful authentic meals and that you can have a good time at, for $50 or less. If you don't do it all the time, then the $100+ places could be a special treat and you would probably even enjoy it more. If she throws a fuss about that, you might want to reexamine your R. Better yet, whoever picks the place pays. Don't start splitting. It's actually a bit of a turnoff. Get her to pay for a while. It's well past time. And she can pick the fanciest places that she wants. So everyone wins. 1
Els Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 (edited) Well, I've had Chinese girls who are recent immigrants insist on paying for me on first/second dates, so I don't think you can just say "Oh she's Asian, so she expects you to pay". Of course, as I said - families (and consequently upbringing) fall all the way across the spectrum. There will always be people who don't adhere to cultures - doesn't mean the culture doesn't exist. There are Asian men who are good with housework too, it's just a bit less likely. Also, in general, those of us who chose to emigrate are more likely to be the more "wayward" ones in terms of culture. Some people are frugal with their own money and not someone else's. I've known people who clip fast food coupons that don't hesitate to order expensive things when someone else is paying. Fair point. In that case it would be good if the OP learned that now instead of later. Edited August 21, 2017 by Elswyth
JuneL Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 I have a cousin (who grew up and still lives in a modern East Asian country) who is considered a very generous person. Some years ago, he used to have a high maintenance girlfriend exactly like what the OP described here. But things got old even for someone as generous as my cousin to the point that he would vent to us about the stinginess of his then gf. They ended up breaking up (not due to this money matter in particular, but ya know, her high maintenance behaviors come as a package ). Now he's happily married to a very down-to-earth woman with two small toddlers. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 I've been together with a girl for a few months now, but we know each other for about a year and a half. We've been going out on dates for probably around 6 months now (but made it official about 2 months ago). Some time ago when we went out, we went to quite an expensive restuarant that she had suggested. I had always paid everything on every date, and so I did this time again. I decided to make a comment though that I've been spending a lot of money recently and that I might ask her at some point to start splitting bills. I'm not broke at all, but also not super rich, though that's sort of beyond the point for me. We've both recently graduated and make approximately the same - I think it's just reasonable for her to start paying her share at some point. I'd still be more than happy to pay a bit more than 50% because I'm somewhat proud, but a gesture once in a while would be nice. Anyway, we went out again recently and after we went away from the restaurant she brought up that she picked it because she remembered me saying that I was spending too much and this place is cheaper. I explained to her that it wasn't about the fact that I'm broke or don't want to spend money on her, but that I wanted to subtly tell her that it would make sense if she started paying part of the bills. I felt bad about the fact that she had chosen a restaurant she otherwise might not have simply because she thought I wouldn't want to spend more money though. I have enough spending power, and if she really wanted to go to a more expensive restaurant again, I without a doubt in my mind would have paid in full if it would've made her happier, because she means a lot to me (and money does not). She said she understood me though, and that it makes sense because "we're the same age". That gave me the feeling we're not actually on the same page, because it means she still thinks that otherwise I should be the one to always pay. She also mentioned that her previous boyfriends always did, so maybe that's part of the problem. I don't have a very specific question, but would just be happy to hear other people's take on the situation. I like this girl a lot so there are no issues between us, but I'm slightly annoyed that in her mind I'm now a cheapskate who doesn't have the money to take care of her. I have a great job, make significantly more than average for my age, and am not cheap (I've already spent a LOT of money on her), so it bothers me. Thanks for the input! Haven't read the others comments on this yet (i will though) so maybe someone has already said this. A) when you brought it up the first time, the timing you did it (at the actual restaurant was awful. It's a guilt trip and makes both of you feel bad about a lovely evening you just had.) B) When she paid at the second place, i.e. she did "hear" you and responded to what you said by picking a cheaper restaurant, but you still weren't happy and she is obviously "confused" by what you really meant. From what was indicated here by you, there is more going on and by not fully discussing the issue during a neutral at home time (not at restaurant, on way to or just afterward IMO), you felt she was misunderstanding where you was coming from and vice versa, I think. I think you guys can get on same page and resolve it --you just never really finished--or started--talking about it. I think I misread initially though--i initially thought she paid, but am I right--she still had you pay? which is a bit entitled and it's 6 months in so it's time to start splitting it more evenly, IMO. C) It sounds like you possibly might be a little resentful or her assumption that you will pay or feeling the need to keep up with past boyfriends OR possibly accurately representing the situation that she is not nearly grateful enough and just expects or takes you for granted that you will pay and entitled like that. IME, sometimes guys like girls like that because they act like they are a big prize and guys buy into it, until a certain point when it's just ridiculous and she is not grateful. You know, princess-y behavior. You sound like a good guy and I think you just need to talk to her in a neutral setting and come to some sort of agreement. Think of it like this, if you are serious about her these are the kind of things that need to be discussed to make a future together. Also how she handles is an indication of her character and willingness to work with you. Both super important going forward. I don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do. Good luck
Versacehottie Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 Oh, if she grew up in a Western country then it's likely that she might be more amenable to it. A different suggestion - it's possible that it's the ACT of splitting the bill that turns her off, not the money per se. What about if you guys took turns to pay instead? I know that if I ever insisted on going dutch, my SO (also born and raised in Asia) would be really turned off - he doesn't agree with a couple literally splitting bills down the middle. However, he is okay with me buying things for him, or paying for both of us if I grab takeaway for us or such. By taking turns, you could avoid the unpleasant act, but still have a relatively 50/50 financial split. Totally agree. That way it could still be charming and romantic-ish by taking turns rather that formal and stiff like a 50/50 split. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 21, 2017 Posted August 21, 2017 OP, if this is important to you, I'm afraid you're with the wrong woman. I've found that women who want to contribute do so without there being a discussion about it. They simply reciprocate. that is a good point. She sounds smart enough so it may go against the grain of her cultural upbringing/belief system/entitlement issues to just contribute. OP, I would give it a clear discussion or two but beyond that I wouldn't work hard at trying to change her belief system if she isn't compromising. At that point I think you would just be incompatible due to different values and beliefs.
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