Wife's strange actions

[elaine567]

Sometimes one experiences changes in sexual behaviour behaviour reading and getting ideas from various resources.

 

That could account for the changes you've seen.

 

Agreed, women do not live in a vacuum, there is so much sex around, in magazines, books, newspapers, movies, the internet, etc...

She obviously masturbates and sex used to be important to her, so sex as a subject may actually be of great interest to her.

[aileD]

You are absolutely correct, findingnemo! I think my wife and I need to sit down and try to figure out what each of our problems are and then work together towards a solution.

whatever you do don't bring up your jealousy about the trainer. Lol

 

I don't think she's having an affair, I don't thing she ever did. I think she's dealing with some menopausal issues, getting older, and just because she did something different one time in bed, doesn't mean affair. People are creatures of habit but that doesn't mean they can't try something different.

 

If she had a crush on her trainer, that seems to be all it was.

[ConfusedHub]

That afternoon I guess, you chanced upon real lust and desire from your wife, you cannot recreate that with candles and a "set up".

 

I guess that extra "making out" tipped her over the edge into actually wanting to have sex with you, hence her "strange actions".

YOU warmed her up into actually wanting sex and her instincts took over, . At that point she didn't care about gag reflexes or "being polite" or anything else.

 

What I guess you normally have is more about duty sex than lust on her part, sorry to say.

 

Google "responsive sexual desire".

 

I think you may be correct about this elaine567. I've started reading a book: The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis in which she discusses basically "responsive sexual desire". As I look back to our early years together, it seems that my wife may have always been like this, but because are sex life was great, I never noticed the pattern. However, we used to make out a lot and have lots of foreplay (including verbal, such as at dinner in a restaurant) that she may not have had initial sexual desire, but that she did after getting aroused first. In addition, I would often initiate sex in bed which she would "go along with at first", but would become more and more interested as she became aroused. So, I definitely think this has something to do with it.

[ConfusedHub]

We all somehow miss picking up on the red flags in

one's own situation. So you are not alone.

 

Your last paragraph makes me say you know the answer

without having to be told. Though I would need to hear

my WW confirm the truth.

 

You seem to be the only one who thinks I am right in thinking my wife may have had an affair. However, I'm starting to agree with the others that my wife really isn't showing any signs of an affair and that her actions and our sex problems are more related to physical and mental problems with us individually and within our marriage. Accordingly, I am trying to work with my wife to resolve these issues between us and within our marriage and I don't think there was ever a third-party involved.

 

And, I think I'm driven by my own jealousy at their appropriate trainer-pupil relationship that I imagined there was something more. But, I do have "mental" images of his cock (which is, of course, always longer and thicker - not to say harder - than mine) in her mouth, pussy, and anus. These are devastating images to me and what I was trying to get across in my post is that these are my imagination - they would be a 100 times worse if I knew them to be true, so I if true I wouldn't want to know if it was true.

 

However, as I said, I am certain this is all in my mind based on my jealousy and feelings of inadequacy. And, they are unfair to my wife, who has never given me any reason to suspect she has been unfaithful.

[Els]

So... your wife becomes more adventurous in bed (which you seem to like/want), but then your immediate assumption is that she had had an affair!??!

 

I mean, obviously none of us can tell you for 100% certain that she hasn't had an affair, but that's life - you don't get any 100% guarantees, about anything. That being said, it's a helluva big leap to arrive at that "conclusion", though! And if she senses that you're getting irrational thoughts and jealousy, don't you think she might hesitate to do new things or to be enthusiastic in bed, which is the exact opposite of what you want?

 

I can't speak for your wife, but occasionally I do get the urge to do things in the bedroom that I normally wouldn't. It's usually a combination of hormones, mental fantasies, and my relationship/interactions with my SO lining up in a way that they don't always do. No other penis necessary.

[ConfusedHub]

Hi Confusedhub, you said that you are in your sixties and your wife is in her late fifties. If that be the case then it is possible that due to the fact that she has been menopausal for quite a while, her estrogen levels have finished considerably leading to low libido and she may be suffering from vaginal dystrophy. This latter condition results in a dry vagina which makes intercourse painful and unpleasant for women. Even using lubricating gels does not alleviate matters. The remedy may lie in her undergoing HRT( Hormone replacement therapy) which will artificially raise her estrogen levels and increase her libido levels. Of course the flip side of this is that she may become more prone to breast cancer so of course this has to be carried out, if at all, under supervision of her gynaecologist. The trick may be to have breaks in between the administration of the therapy.

 

Just a Guy -

 

I'm not sure her problem is as severe as you suggest, but she definitely needs a lubricant, such as Vaseline or KY Jelly, as she doesn't get as wet or wet as fast as she did pre menopause. This fact coupled with her need to be aroused before sexual desire comes, probably explains her half of the problem. She actually set-up a romantic evening after our anniversary, but it didn't go as planned. Lots of reasons, one of which our bathtub is not really configured for two people. Anyway, when we got out of the tub she clearly wasn't aroused and sort of went through the motions - I wasn't any better, since I had trouble getting hard. For example, as I was eating her out, she was jacking me off, but she never even attempted to take it in her mouth - perhaps because I wasn't getting hard. One thing I noticed was that as I was eating her out, she gasped when I penetrated her with two fingers - she tried to say it was nothing, but I'm sure it hurt because she wasn't wet enough.

[spanz1]

many, even most, women in their late '50's have a lower libido. Maybe once a month is just fine for her, and she does not understand why you might want more than that. If this is the case, the bad news is it will get worse with time, not better.

 

so you are RIGHT to be concerned that your sex life is dropping to zero. Have the talk with her, and point out that you simply can not live with once a month sex. See if there is some way she can get psyched for maybe once a week sex.

 

She might make some demands in response...like more romance, more conversation...to get her into the mood. agree to them

[Just a Guy]

Hi CH, thank you for responding to my post. It is good to know that your wife does not suffer from a severe effect of menopausal progression, but as Span has suggested, this problem will become more severe as time goes by. Your wife could try HRT creams which are inserted into the vaginal cavity and which help with increasing flexibility of the vaginal walls including generating sufficient lubrication to enable intercourse without discomfort. All this should,, of course be attempted under supervision of her gynaecologist.

 

You have not mentioned anything about what you would want to do to address your ED problem. I had suggested a vacuum pump or viagra/ cialis tablets. At your ages, I guess if you want to have enjoyable and satisfying sex, some of these methods are a must. However, you are the best judge. Warm wishes.

[ConfusedHub]

A big part of female arousal is thinking that her partner is almost out of control with desire for her, he wants her, he needs her, so she then needs to see "the result" of all that desire, to validate her feelings.

The fact there was no "result" here, makes her feel bad, it makes her feel like you had simulated all that passion, that you did not really find her attractive, that you were somehow just going through the motions...

 

Maybe she also felt that the "hot" sex would have cured your problems and so she was disappointed.

 

I think this may be part of the problem and explain, in part, her reluctance to even get in a situation that might lead to sex. The last few times we had sex I wasn't able to cum, which, coupled with her body image problems, may have had her thinking that I'm not finishing because I don't really find her attractive. I have to work at showing her that this isn't the case!

[ConfusedHub]

My wife and I are going on a cruise in a few days, during which I am hoping we will have sex, at least a few times (bringing along a cock ring and lube, just in case)! Hopefully, once on vacation, she will not think so much about her jobless situation and just relax and have fun. We also didn't get the alcohol package, so while we will still drink, it won't be too much as we are trying to save some money. In addition, I can concentrate more on my wife without being tired from being at work all day.

 

Probably sex on the balcony will be too much to hope for, but, as I recall, my wife can be pretty kinky once she gets going! Of course, just being together is something we both enjoy, but it would be very nice to make love to my wife again! Wish us luck and I promise to report back in about a week - one way or another.

[ConfusedHub]

Well we didn't have sex - one day, very similar to the time I described before -

we were playing Trivial Pursuit (in a group) and drinking Cosmos - she became very sexual and we made out. We went to the room and continued to make out and I licked her pussy which she clearly offered to me. However, I was drunk too and we had to leave for dinner - so nothing further happened.

 

Still processing this...

 

My wife seems to get turned on by drinking, but drinking also negatively effects my performance - so a quandary. Also, doesn't seem right to always try to get my wife drunk - though we only had two drinks, so there was no issue of not being in control - just less inhibitions. Maybe its somehow connected to what turns her on?

 

I really don't believe anymore that this has to do with anyone else - But, I am stumped at how to deal with this. Am I wrong to want to have sex with my wife? Also, if things don't work out one time, isn't it reasonable to want to try later or within a day or two. Sometimes it seems as if my wife acts as if that was my chance - I blew it - so we don't have to try until another few months go by. Very frustrated.

 

I also had minor surgery after our trip, so now I'm laid up for a little while (intercourse definitely out for a few weeks) I feel bad, but I would really like to ask my wife to suck my cock - but I guess that's selfish of me. I know I'm partially to blame, but I really miss having sex with my wife!!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Confused, have you thought of getting your wife to visit a gynaecologist for consultation about low libido? It is possible that she may be receptive to hormonal treatment which will help increase her libido. Even women need a certain level of testosterone apart from estrogen. You said that the effects of menopause are not too severe in your wife's case and that she does not lubricate naturally but needs KY gel or some other lubricant. That is not the only problem. Her libido has definitely been affected. An HRT cream self administered by her to be placed in her vagina will help boost her libido. However, it must be done under supervision of her gynaec. Try something like this before bemoaning your fate. Warm wishes.

[ConfusedHub]

Hi Confused, have you thought of getting your wife to visit a gynaecologist for consultation about low libido? It is possible that she may be receptive to hormonal treatment which will help increase her libido. Even women need a certain level of testosterone apart from estrogen. You said that the effects of menopause are not too severe in your wife's case and that she does not lubricate naturally but needs KY gel or some other lubricant. That is not the only problem. Her libido has definitely been affected. An HRT cream self administered by her to be placed in her vagina will help boost her libido. However, it must be done under supervision of her gynaec. Try something like this before bemoaning your fate. Warm wishes.

 

Sounds good, but I'd be interested in a woman's perspective. Every time I mention sex or use a sexual innuendo, she gets that disgusted look on her face. At these times, she says I am obsessed with sex and wishes I'd leave her alone - she always says I'm putting on a full court press. On the other hand, we do almost everything together. We had fun (but no sex) on the cruise. In addition, she avoids "make-out kissing", but not kissing on the lips (we usually kiss good-bye and hello). Also, if we're walking she will hold hands, sometimes by her initiation. She also has no problem with me touching her, such as a hand on her leg while driving, but definitely pulls back and gets annoyed if I try to touch her tits or "lady" parts. But one time I grabbed her ass and she didn't pull back, but objected to my doing it on a public street. So it is not as if she doesn't want to be with me - she just doesn't want to have sex. But, then we had those two cosmos and she was ready to go - when not much happened (there's a quandary - drinking gets her in the mood, but negatively affects my ability to perform - the moment had passed after dinner. Is this normal behavior for a woman? How do I convince her there is a problem and to work with me to fix it - without upsetting her. I really don't think she'll appreciate my telling her she has a hormone problem. Do any women on this forum think that this would go over well?

[Just a Guy]

You could try bottled male pheromones applied liberally when you go to bed. Should work wonders!

[wmacbride]

op,

 

asking a bunch of strangers who don't know you or your wife why she is acting the way she is will likely give a bunch of shot in the dark style answers, which may or may not be helpful What would be more helpful would be to start talking to your wife.

 

Also, I mean no offense to you at all when I say this, but I sounds to me like your wife isn't getting as much out of sex with you as you think she is. That's not meant as a criticism of you, and I am impressed by the fact that you really want it to be good for her, I'm just wondering if there is something she isn't telling you that could make it a whole lot better for both of you. I'm not sure why she could be keeping this to herself, but you aren't psychic and can't be expected to read her mind. If you can encourage her to be open and talk about it, there may well be a huge improvement for both of you.

 

One more thing...it really sounds like you love your wife a lot. I always like reading posts that are full of love like yours are...you may have a problem, but you are willing to work through it.

 

You and your wife are lucky to have found one another