MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 I have been separated since Jan'05, and if we file for divorce, it can be granted as early as Jan'06. We are both dating again, and there seems to be an unspoken rule that we don't ask and we don't tell what each other is up to. Still, I am curious to know what my Ex's thoughts are. I guess I would prefer if HE files for divorce because that way I know I made the right decision and he no longer wants me. That's what my affair was based on, that's what I felt a year ago when I cheated....and long before that. But, when we discussed separating, that was his comment too - that I didn't want him. Does anyone else struggle with this decision and how it will affect you emotionally? If I file, there will always be a 'what if'....but if he files, then I will know there is no 'what if'.
clandestinidad Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 I dont know if I understand your situation....why would there be any 'what-ifs' if yall are planning on divorcing. I would think people would be positively sure about it, without any possiblities or what-ifs
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 I have always felt that the one filing controls the process and how fast it moves forward. In Ga.. If you are the one filing the other doesn't even have to go to court just the person filing does. I really don't think there is a tactical reason why though.. Just controlling your own destiny and not leaving it up to someone else
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 10, 2005 Author Posted August 10, 2005 It was just something that crossed my mind. We had talked about doing an online divorce, one of those $400 quickies to avoid the massive legal fees. We have already divided the property and worked out a 50-50 custody arrangement with the kids, although it's not in writing. If we absolutely have to have something in writing for this, for the judge to grant the divorce, then I guess we have to make sure we draw it up ourselves and don't let the lawyers change it....I hear they like to make changes, then we argue with them, then pay thousands to get them to put it back the way it was. As for pensions, that is automatically split in Canada unless one partner waives their right to the others' (yeah right). There is no alimony or child support since we earn the same income. So one would think in our situation it will be cut'n'dry....right???
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 I would think that a do it yourself divorce can work if you have an attorney look at all the final paper work before it is filed. You don't want to leave anything up in the air for interpretation for either parties being that children are involved. If you have already done things on the amicable side than it should go without a hitch.. Just get a legal eye on it.. There are other things to cover like health insurance that also needs to be addressed
dgiirl Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 I can understand your reasons for not filing. It's like you can hope that he'll change his mind if you dont do anything and as long as he doesnt file there's still hope for you guys getting back together. The only problem with that is you sit in limbo waiting for something to get done and then when you least expect it he'll file and you'll be hurt. I think it's best if you take control of the situation and file and get it over with. If he truely wants you back, he'll either try and stop the divorce or he'll come back after the divorce anyways. Some people have been remarried to the same person before so if it's meant to be it'll happen for you. But dont torture yourself with 'what ifs' and false hope. If you guys are not living together, what kind of marriage is that? However, you also mention that you've had an affair. Do you want your marriage to work? Do you see hope for you guys working things out? Have you guys tried to make it work? Gone to counselling and all that stuff? If you've put in 100% effort and he's still not working on the relationship, what else can you do?
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Posted August 11, 2005 no no no not getting back together. I just don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. Him filing would tell me he is moving on, and that is a good thing. Maybe I want him to have the chance to get back at me by filing, in some sorta sicko way! lol Maybe it will make me mad and feel I can justify all my actions in the past, I dunno. I will try not to psycho-analyze and just do it when the time comes I guess.
quankanne Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 talk to him, see if you cannot come to a mutual agreement about filing -- what it means to you emotionally, if you're both ready to do it and how you will go about filing. If you can agree to terms before you begin the process, you will eliminate a lot of crap that comes up; not sure how a DIY divorce works in Canada, but I think from what I've read in Texas, conditions are that there are no real property (home/land) or children involved, just assets. Make sure y'all meet eligibility factors for the DIY divorce before actually starting proceedings.
Jolene Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 I have always felt that the one filing controls the process and how fast it moves forward. This is true...it's always better to be the Plaintiff. But you can remain separated for decades if you want to and still both have relationships, and very stable and happy ones. It's when one of you want to remarry that you need to get a divorce. That's how I see it. Why don't you both let the dust settle a bit longer. Sounds like there's some amicable attributes, so you can be civil. That way, you give each other some healing time so the emotions aren't so "fresh". It's never easy no matter what the circumstances are. Find support in your friends and family as much as possible. One day you will meet another wonderful man. A divorce, if uncontested, can be done without representation and at a minimal cost ($500.00 all in all here in Canada). But if there are property or custody disputes, you will pay through the roof, literally, in lawyer fees. Good luck!
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 Originally posted by Jolene A divorce, if uncontested, can be done without representation and at a minimal cost ($500.00 all in all here in Canada). But if there are property or custody disputes, you will pay through the roof, literally, in lawyer fees. How true .. I spent +- $36,000 in attorney fees for a 7 month divorce.. In the end I mostly got what I was asking for in the begining and if it had been amicable then it would've saved me alot of money in fees
clandestinidad Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 My 'marriage' lasted 9 months, the divorce took a year and a half, and cost about 15k....he filed (b/c my daughter was 4 months old when we separated, he was abusive, and we wanted to make sure HE looked like the abandoner/s***hole that he is)
Recommended Posts