Am I Too Picky? My Girl is too Shy, it bugs me.....

August 10, 2005

Hey All, I don't want to seem like a picky bastard with issues,

But I have a problem and I want you all to kick me in the ass,

if you think i'm being too harsh or too nit-picky.

I'm 28, about to be married to my GF of 5 years who is 25.

We've had a great relationship, we both respect each other, so

we hardly ever fight or insult each other, call each other names, etc.

We get along great and we're always together, unless were working

or i'm out with friends, at school, etc. She's silly and funny and not

materialistic or stuck up, nor does she care about superficial things, that

why I love her. She loves me very much too.

The thing that bugs me is, She NEVER wants to double date or go to

any Family/friend get-togethers. She'll go, but sometimes I really have to

talk her into it. She has Very big Self-Esteem issues. She's very self-Concious

and it can get very annoying. She's always saying she's Ugly,(she's gorgeous)

Always saying she has no talent(she's a great artist, but never "tries") She

just doesn't seem to have any happiness in anything else, other than me.

I'm not being Cocky, That's just how I feel.

I'm a totally caring guy, i do alot for her, i look out for her, i nurture her, i'm

crazy about her....But i can only Encourage her and support her so much...until

i start to get annoyed that We can't go out with mutual friends or to a party

or whatever, without me worrying about if she's going to have a good time

or if she's going to want to leave, because she's nervous and uncomfortable.

Around me or her own family or Close friends, she's fine. She screams with joy,

will laugh out loud, Dances around the house, plays jokes on me, she gets silly and fun...

Around others, she gets quiet, nervous, will stare at the ground during family

functions, will just look bored to the point where my mom or my friends will

ask "Pete, is she alright?" or "She looks mad"...

It's really starting to BUG me. At first, i was fine with it, understanding, I'm not much

of social butterfly, but I understood her ways...I was shy as a kid.

But NOW, it's really starting to Bug me. If ever i bring it up, she tells me "that's just

the way I am, deal!"..."I can't help it, I'm not social, never have been"... She doesn't

seem to want to change for anyone, or try her hand at some sort of career to make her

feel better about herself...

All she does is plan and talk about our wedding. Which is fine. But That's ALL she thinks

about and I just get worried about what will happen AFTER the wedding is all done...

I don't want her main goal in life to be ME. She gets bored at home, when she's not working,

but she's not out there trying to accomplish any goals at all.... I'm ambitious, she's not..And

it's not attractive sometimes...Sometimes i find myself more attracted to girls who are independent,

who have goals, who are Go-Getters, Not Party Girls, (Being quiet and shy is fine) but

a girl who can take care of herself and isn't afraid to take risks..

Am i being too insensitive?

August 10, 2005

Some girls are just like that. I'm one of them. I've been married for 3 years now & w/ my H for 5 yrs & I still get uncomfortable when I go to his family get togethers, I'm getting better & i'm fine around his imediate family like mom, dad, brother ect... but when i get around his grandparents & aunts & cousin I get nervous & uncomfortable. But he's the one that doesn't like going out unless its at our friends house. Things will probably get better once she really starts getting to know your family, I'm slowly starting to open up alittle more around the rest of my H family but you can still find me sitting on the couch alone sometimes at gatherings but everyone understands thats how I am, I've always been like that for as long as I remember. But when you get me around my family & my H & our close friends I turn into a chatter box. I hope things work out for you but if your having any doubts, put the wedding off to a later date until you figure things out. But most likely she'll start to get more comfortable with your family. But thats just my thought. Good Luck

August 10, 2005

O man this is hard. It's not your fault or anything you did to make her feel this way. It's her back round, where she group up, how she was brought up, if she had horrible past relationships that didn't work out, things like that contribute to a woman feeling insecure.

Woman tend to think that their man or the person they are with is blinded by the love and will say anything to make the other feel better. So when you tell your girl, "you're beautiful" she doesn't really believe it because she knows you love her unconditionally and honestly your opinion counts but in our heads it doesn't matter.

I don't think you're being insensitive, I just think maybe you're taking the wrong approach. You need to get a little firm with her not mean or make her do anything to make her feel uncomfortable but she needs to wake up. The only way to get over being shy and quite around people is to constantly go out and be around people. She needs to get more comfortable being her silly self without thinking someone is going to judge her.

Being insecure, especially a woman, is very hard to overcome. Some girls think their just not worth anything good, which to me is crazy but that's just me. You need to guide her through this. If and when you go to a gathering make sure you make her feel as comfortable as possible. Make sure you include her in conversation even if she seems quite. Maybe talking to a cousin or a single family member at one time can be a start. Talk about memories that she likes to talk about and spark an interest with her doing all this.

I really don't know how much you can do but maybe it will help. It all comes within a person to be a little more outgoing. I know it can be boring but remember, how long did she take to open up to you and show you her weak side or fun side like you say? She seems very sensitive so just be patient which to me it seems you've been great.

Of course she's going to be excited about the wedding, it's her special day where for one day she is the queen. Let her enjoy it, maybe this will spark a change in her, who knows?

August 11, 2005

I've thought about that....

I've thought about going out More and getting her around People.

Again, i'm No social butterfly. I'm a homebody. I can be quiet

too, but i like being with other people from time to time and I like

hanging out with friends or meeting new peopke and it'd be

fun for us to both have mutual friends, only she just never wants to

go out with anyone else, other than me.

She's so funny though, because the She can be silly at work, with her

work friends...She can be silly and crazy around her Family, she can be silly

with me out at a restaurant or at the mall or wherever(she'll laugh out loud and

not care if anyone notices), But Around my Family or MY friends, she's a mouse.

I want her Marry her for sure, i'm just trying to find a way to help her break out of

her shell....So she can find more peace within herself.

August 11, 2005

What if your family initiates more conversation with her and tries to join in with you to make her more comfortable? Do you think maybe someone in your family makes her feel uncomfortable? Some parents can be very intimidating and that could be a problem.

Let your parents know that she just needs to warm up to them and if they can help in making her feel better around them. I really don't know what else to think if that doesn't work. Maybe she just doesn't like your family?! Which is sad if she does, I mean I don't want to jump to conclusions but just trying to find answers.

August 11, 2005

It's obvious that if your girl is fun and silly amongst her own friends that is her REAL personality, I imagine she's quiet around your friends/family becuase she is trying desperately to impress them and hates the thought of making a fool of herself.

IMo the best way tog et round this is to gently mix the two. Maybe some night she has a girlfriend round, or a family member, invite one of you friends round too, then all ahve dinner together. Or invite your mom round when she has a member of her family round too, so that she slowly begins to relax around your loved ones. And make sure it's onyl a couple of people at a time, so eventually when she goes to shindigs with you she'll have a coupel of people that she at elast feels she "knows".

Also as she's really into planning the wedding, why not get someone of your family round to help her. See if she wnats your mom to go with her to help chose tableware, or your sisters to go with her chosing flowers etc. It means you don't ahve to do them and she can feel your family are interested in her and her likes.

As for getting her out of her shell, that needs LOTS of positive encouragment, understanding of her fears nad some compromises. Why nto talk to her about what some of her passions/loves were when she was growing up? Maybe youc na help discover some hobby/interest that she lost track of growing up and enrol her in a course, or take her someplace where she can rediscover some of her passions that aren't you.

August 12, 2005

Originally posted by lemonsandapples
Hey All, I don't want to seem like a picky bastard with issues,
But I have a problem and I want you all to kick me in the ass,
if you think i'm being too harsh or too nit-picky.

The thing that bugs me is, She NEVER wants to double date or go to
any Family/friend get-togethers. She'll go, but sometimes I really have to
talk her into it. She has Very big Self-Esteem issues. She's very self-Concious
and it can get very annoying. She's always saying she's Ugly,(she's gorgeous)
Always saying she has no talent(she's a great artist, but never "tries") She
just doesn't seem to have any happiness in anything else, other than me.
I'm not being Cocky, That's just how I feel.
.....

Am i being too insensitive?

It appears that she is illustrating some level of arrested development. Do you have any idea what the sources of her insecurities are coming from (ie. her growing up/parents putting her down/lack of social interaction) ? From this, I can see why you guys don't put each other down too often, basically you *can't* -- if you said something truly mean to her I'm sure she would take it much deeper and more personal than you ever would (it's good that you guys don't tho). Also, has she ever had panic attacks, does she have difficulty doing things like going to the DMV or bank? Also, some people that have 'aparently' no modivation could be depressed or bi-polar. Only a professional could determine any of this, I obviously don't know her and am only suggesting things to think about.

Obviously this isn't normal behavior and I highly suggest that you handle it with "kid gloves" (instead of telling her it's "her problem" or to "deal with it"). You love her, it's the right thing to do. Perhaps you can research ways to bring her interpersonal relationship skills up to a more "normal" level without over doing it ? Perhaps she can seek counseling to help her deal with her emotions/issues? Perhaps you can work her into a core group of friends that she can learn to trust and slowly expand that to other things and groups such as her joining church groups/hiking groups/whatever until perhaps she is doing things on her own ? That would be a good way of her seeing the benefits of doing things on her own and that other people can be a good thing.

I guess it's true that opposites attract -- you being the extrovert and she being the introvert. We all have these feelings of insecurities and of public places/social interaction, I think that I heard of a study where they found that people were *more* afraid of public speaking than death! Anyway, I think only a professional could determine if she has an illness such as agoraphobia or if it's just something that with a little extra work could be overcome.

http://www.agoraphobiahelp.com/

August 12, 2005

I appreciate all your help....Sincerely.

In a way, yes, you are correct. I can't insult her. Sometimes I

can't even Make fun her (playfully) because she is very sensitive.

not all the time, but sometimes. And yeah, She does feel tremendous

pressure to impress my Mom, yet does nothing to "Try" and impress her.

My Mom will go out of her way to sit down and get to know her and talk

with her, but it never changes the way my Fiance is...She's still a mouse.

But sometimes I feel that...For someone who's pretty sensitive,

she can be very Insensitive towards others..

She will avoid situations to point of being rude, because she's

uncomfortable...(i.e. not calling friends back who ask her to lunch, because

she doesn't want to deal with the guilt of saying NO because she'd

be uncomfortable going out to lunch...becuase in her mind, she feels, she'd have nothing to

talk about, since, she's not In School, Not accomplishing any goals, just working at her job and

getting married, it'd just make her feel BAD about herself, so she'd avoid it.)

It may stem from her Mother. Her mother was depressed her whole life and would go

thru periods where she'd just stay in bed. Currently, Her mother will quit jobs if someone is

somewhat displeasant or mean to her at work. Her mother also doesn't like her husband's (my

fiance's dad) side of the family, because they are Loud and Outgoing.

I mean, She's not EXACTLY like her mother. But I do see signs of her mother in her.

And it makes me Sigh for the future. I hope she's not like her mother.

I'm going to try and experiment and bring more people into the mix, gradually. I DO love her

and I have a lot of Fun with her. This problem may be WAYYY to much to describe and

figure out on a forum...Because there are a few other things that I could go on for days

about...So some couseling could help....

But I appreciate your help...

August 13, 2005

I don't think her "problems" are as deep as everyone is making them seem.

Sure, she's insecure and could use a little self confidence, but that's something that takes time and won't happen overnight (especially if she's been like this her whole life). I would suggest lemonsandapples that you ask her why she's lacking self confidence and what exactly makes her think she isn't a gorgeous, fun person.

As far as the way she acts in public: A lot of people act differently around people they've known for years and people they've just met. She's probably just shy. And that may be why she tells you that's the way she is.

Try to go out more, double date (if she moans, offer to wash the dishes, give her a back massage, etc in exchange); one thing you must do is get her hobby. You said that she makes you her life. That's cute, but she needs her own life, her own identity. She can't just be lemonandapples' girlfriend. Encourage her to seriously think about her art. I think she just needs to know that you believe in her and trust me, you'll see a difference.

Now, I just hope that a month from now you won't come back to the forum, complaining that she doesn't have time for you because of her obsession with art.

August 13, 2005

Originally posted by lemonsandapples
I appreciate all your help....Sincerely.

...............

It may stem from her Mother. Her mother was depressed her whole life and would go
thru periods where she'd just stay in bed. Currently, Her mother will quit jobs if someone is
somewhat displeasant or mean to her at work. Her mother also doesn't like her husband's (my
fiance's dad) side of the family, because they are Loud and Outgoing.

I mean, She's not EXACTLY like her mother. But I do see signs of her mother in her.
And it makes me Sigh for the future. I hope she's not like her mother.

I'm going to try and experiment and bring more people into the mix, gradually. I DO love her
and I have a lot of Fun with her. This problem may be WAYYY to much to describe and
figure out on a forum...Because there are a few other things that I could go on for days
about...So some couseling could help....

But I appreciate your help...

Hey buddy,

I'm starting to get the feeling that the idea of just adding people into the mix isn't going to be good enough to resolve these issues. I'm starting to believe that seeking help would be a more effective tool for ending a lifetime of learned behaviors. From your examples above it appears that she is definitely exhibiting anxiety issues since for example you said that she was trying to impress your mom but inadvertently was actually doing the complete opposite in effect (classic symptom). Also, it appears that it's also creeping into her day to day life and keeping her from basic situations -- a trigger that you have a problem is when it's inhibiting your day to day life (basically what you want to do) because it is now a "disabler".

Maybe you spend time reading up on anxiety disorders and learn to understand the problem though her eyes? Then in a supportive way, bring up the idea of seeking help.. and go with her. "Encouragement and motivation are important, but make sure you become knowledgeable of these conditions before you do what you think is best. --about.com. " I guess from what you've told me, I would look into reading up on SAD (Social Phobia (or Social Anxiety Disorder). Some advice about therapists, find one that *she* feels very comfortable with even if it requires bouncing around to several first. Also, look how quickly they try to push SSRIs on you (Zolft etc) because sometimes I feel they do it too quickly (but I'm not expert, only guessing). Of course this is all contingent on the fact that she feels she needs to seek help, remember don't push her hard.

Side story: I dated a girl that had PTSD and she went to a hack therapist who worked out of his house (he was cheap) and he brought out what was the source of her problem (childhood abuse) and how to face them. He was pretty good, however she needed more and she moved to a much more expensive and highly skilled therapist who really helped her along greatly. From this experience I've learned a lot and I understand in a lot of ways what you could be going through. Also, I found a website that had some info you might find useful. Good luck, it seems like this gal is lucky to have someone like you in her life, many times only abusive people find people like her to “fulfill” their own psychosis.

http://panicdisorder.about.com/cs/forfriendsfamily/a/beingacaregiver.htm -- about.com

Tips for family & friends of people with anxiety disorders

This year, I have built a relationship with a fantastic person, who is loving, intelligent and supportive, and who suffers from an anxiety disorder. We have learned how to deal with many difficult and challenging situations together, but it was definitely a learning process. In this article, I would like to give some advice I wish someone had given me six months ago.

1. See the world through their eyes.

I am an extrovert; new places and faces cheer me up, and I get happily distracted in a noisy, busy environment. The largest adjustment I have had to make is to see a busy place as potentially threatening, and to immediately take some steps to show my partner I'm there for her. One of the lessons I was slowest to learn is that safety is a relative feeling.

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