BDJ_1 Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 amaysngrace, You are so right! This was my first reaction - that they both were completely selfish and never considered MY feelings for a moment throughout this whole story. She knew that I did have some feelings for him because I was so happy he moved back to the city yet she pursued him relentlessly only to find out that he wasn't right for her a week later. Then asked me to stop talking to him... He did't hesitate to try to sleep with me and then move on to date one of my very best friends almost immediately without trying to completely resolve the situation between us somehow. He also knew that I cared about him. So you are making an excellent point here. Maybe they both failed and I should reconsider trusting then. I wouldn't have acted like either of them They did consider YOUR feelings by asking for your permission, which you gave. That was your chance to tell him that you like him and you failed. I would have assumed you had no romantic interest just like he did. The "off" feeling you now have is almost entirely created by your own actions. Now you have to deal with the consequences. 3
amaysngrace Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 Then there's your answer dear. It's not to say that they're all bad and you're all good because people are just people but at least you know they aren't on the pedestal you once had them on. Maybe it's time to step away from them both? Maybe not completely but just distance yourself from them to make room for higher quality people even if that person is just you? 1
d0nnivain Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 In my opinion you weren't clear & that miscommunication is at the heart of this. When you wanted to take things slow, you said you wanted to be friends. Those are different things. When you said "friends" you rejected him romantically & literally friend-zoned him. Saying you want to go slow is different: it's an admission of interest but a caution that you are not up for low interest / no commitment, NSA sex. Then he asked if he could date your friend. Nobody snuck around behind your back & hid things from you. You said yes, even though you didn't mean it. This is the second instance of you saying one thing but meaning something else & now you are annoyed that he didn't read your mind, stick around, only date you & not pursue somebody else after you said it was OK. All of that doesn't negate what you say here, though: Is your advice to trust him, go out with him and allow myself to have feelings for him? I am not judging him, it just doesn't feel right that's all. If it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right & that really is all that matters. In the future so you don't have situations like this again, think before you speak & say what you mean using precise rather than vague language. You will prevent a lot of misunderstandings. I don't see any reason you should not trust him. I do see instances where he trusts you at his own peril. I'm not saying you are going to cheat but I am saying that you say one thing but mean something else. 3
Author Coldfire Posted August 17, 2017 Author Posted August 17, 2017 I am not saying that they are bad people, I know that nobody is perfect. I am actually in a way glad that this happened so that I can get some perspective. Even if this guy has feelings as he says, it's way too soon to try to date me after he broke up with her. Thank you. Then there's your answer dear. It's not to say that they're all bad and you're all good because people are just people but at least you know they aren't on the pedestal you once had them on. Maybe it's time to step away from them both? Maybe not completely but just distance yourself from them to make room for higher quality people even if that person is just you? 1
Author Coldfire Posted August 17, 2017 Author Posted August 17, 2017 d0nnivain, I thought about what you said and maybe you are right. However, this happened very spontaneously and there was no time for a "talk". I told him I cared about him very deeply and didn't want to do this without being sure that it would affect our friendship. I told him that I was very attracted to him. There is no way I could have said anything against dating my friend. It was their decision. But you are right that I could have been a bit more specific and that I could have asked for further clarification earlier:( In my opinion you weren't clear & that miscommunication is at the heart of this. When you wanted to take things slow, you said you wanted to be friends. Those are different things. When you said "friends" you rejected him romantically & literally friend-zoned him. Saying you want to go slow is different: it's an admission of interest but a caution that you are not up for low interest / no commitment, NSA sex. Then he asked if he could date your friend. Nobody snuck around behind your back & hid things from you. You said yes, even though you didn't mean it. This is the second instance of you saying one thing but meaning something else & now you are annoyed that he didn't read your mind, stick around, only date you & not pursue somebody else after you said it was OK. All of that doesn't negate what you say here, though: If it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right & that really is all that matters. In the future so you don't have situations like this again, think before you speak & say what you mean using precise rather than vague language. You will prevent a lot of misunderstandings. I don't see any reason you should not trust him. I do see instances where he trusts you at his own peril. I'm not saying you are going to cheat but I am saying that you say one thing but mean something else. 1
Miss Spider Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 It's just kind of a red flag to go from "it ok to get with your friend?" To "ily" without some additional context, because from here it looks like he's back because things blew up with the other girl. Idk
Author Coldfire Posted August 17, 2017 Author Posted August 17, 2017 Cookiesandough My feeling is that he is actually afraid of being single. When he moved back to the city he was talking about taking a break from dating, doing everything he always wanted to do etc. Maybe he couldn't handle being single? I think that if things worked out with my friend, he would have been in a relationship with her. Which just makes me think that I am not as special as he claims. Or maybe some people are just not that selective. No idea. The ily definitely happened too soon and I can't even give you more context because I was surprised too. It's just kind of a red flag to go from "it ok to get with your friend?" To "ily" without some additional context, because from here it looks like he's back because things blew up with the other girl. Idk 1
Miss Spider Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 I'd go with your gut. Or maybe it dawned on him. Just...if you do decide to give him a shot...watch him 1
GemmaUK Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 No, I don't think you should date him. Your communication skills are poor in terms of expressing the truth of how you feel. If you had done that with both of them then they wouldn't have gone on one date. Both of them have actually expressed better communication skills. If you do date him I think it will be over before it really starts due to communication issues. 1
2much4 Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 I think this guy is just looking for some easy sex. Even though he may not say it straight out, that's what he was looking for with your friend. He told both of you he wasn't interested in a long term relationship. It's possible he genuinely changed his mind about you, but I would proceed with caution. 1
kendahke Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 Is your advice to trust him, go out with him and allow myself to have feelings for him? I am not judging him, it just doesn't feel right that's all. No. My advice is to just leave him alone and focus on working on your communication skills. The psychological moment for this passed when you friendzoned him. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 He has run out of options for the moment. A really interested man would never sleep with your best friend. Regardless of any miscommunication and mixed signals. 2
kendahke Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 You are right about this but Again, but nothing. What follows is excuses: isn't a guy supposed to choose for himself? I thought maybe he liked her more. All of this could have been avoided if you'd stood in your truth and spoke it. Had you asked him directly, you would have known for a fact whether or not that was true. Learn from this. Any guy who shrinks away from a legitimate question is a guy you need to up your wariness on. If you like a man, but aren't ready for the rigors of relationship, however you want to go slowly in pursuit of said relationship and don't want him to date your best friend, SAY THAT. He will either agree with that or he won't, which is his right as an autonomous adult.
Author Coldfire Posted August 17, 2017 Author Posted August 17, 2017 When he asked me if he should date her I thought "well he is obviously not that into me, so he should go ahead and do what makes him happy". This is the reason why I posted here. Because I still feel this way based on his actions. I don't see how it would have helped if I told him that I wasn't ok with him dating her. I didn't really reject him, just told him that I want to be sure that whatever we do I won't lose him as a friend! I think that, as others here have noted, he saw an easier opportunity with my friend. The truth is just hard to accept and I think I am looking for excuses to go out with him. No, I don't think you should date him. Your communication skills are poor in terms of expressing the truth of how you feel. If you had done that with both of them then they wouldn't have gone on one date. Both of them have actually expressed better communication skills. If you do date him I think it will be over before it really starts due to communication issues.
Author Coldfire Posted August 17, 2017 Author Posted August 17, 2017 Eternal Sunshine, I wholeheartedly agree but it really hurts to know this. I guess I already lost him as a friend and should just stay away. Maybe he wasn't a real friend to start with. I feel like he wanted to punish me for not sleeping with him right away and take advantage of my friend's eagerness to be with him at the same time. Maybe I am overreacting but the whole thing was way too fast - it was over between them in a week and a half. So if I choose to be with him now she would be upset and for a good reason. I just can't do it and he shouldn't be asking if he truly cared. He has run out of options for the moment. A really interested man would never sleep with your best friend. Regardless of any miscommunication and mixed signals.
Author Coldfire Posted August 17, 2017 Author Posted August 17, 2017 thanks, 2much4 I know he wanted to have sex. He could have been with any other woman if he was only after this and wanted to potentially be with me at some point but he choose my best friend. I think that says it all. I will tell him that I can't jump into dating him immediately and need to be sure there is something more. I think this guy is just looking for some easy sex. Even though he may not say it straight out, that's what he was looking for with your friend. He told both of you he wasn't interested in a long term relationship. It's possible he genuinely changed his mind about you, but I would proceed with caution.
Author Coldfire Posted August 17, 2017 Author Posted August 17, 2017 kendahke The problem is that there was never a follow up conversation. He didnt ask me out after this. We didn't even hang out. He actually asked me via text if I would be ok if he dated her. I am sorry but I don't see how I could gave responded differently. I just felt releived that I didn't sleep with him since he was obviously not that into me! It would have been ridiculous to try to stop him at this point and I just gave him my blessing. Maybe you are right that I suck at communication but it wasn't an easy situation to be in . Again, but nothing. What follows is excuses: All of this could have been avoided if you'd stood in your truth and spoke it. Had you asked him directly, you would have known for a fact whether or not that was true. Learn from this. Any guy who shrinks away from a legitimate question is a guy you need to up your wariness on. If you like a man, but aren't ready for the rigors of relationship, however you want to go slowly in pursuit of said relationship and don't want him to date your best friend, SAY THAT. He will either agree with that or he won't, which is his right as an autonomous adult.
Arieswoman Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 Q Would you date someone who dated your [best friend]? Nope. to me it's a bit incestuous. But that's just me. So call me a BOF and please yourself
kendahke Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 I don't see how I could gave responded differently. I just felt releived that I didn't sleep with him since he was obviously not that into me! He wasn't into you because you freaked out on him and put him in the friendzone pen the first time he was trying to be intimate with you and show you that he was into you like that. The fact is: you couldn't handle it and he took note, so why should he seriously try anymore? If a guy suddenly started freaking out when I was trying to be intimate with him, despite what he says about not wanting to lose my friendship, he would definitely be demoted to "some guy I used to know" status because why waste my time and be embarrassed like that again? He certainly would never again figure prominently on my priority list even if we were to remain in touch because why? Why bother? He's clearly got issues and I don't want to deal with them. There was nothing precluding you from picking up the phone and talking to him at any time to clarify yourself and your feelings further. You chose not to and instead play "read my mind/you should know" games. So, no.. I guess he's not going to be that into you after that experience.
GemmaUK Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 When he asked me if he should date her I thought "well he is obviously not that into me, so he should go ahead and do what makes him happy". This is the reason why I posted here. Because I still feel this way based on his actions. I don't see how it would have helped if I told him that I wasn't ok with him dating her. I didn't really reject him, just told him that I want to be sure that whatever we do I won't lose him as a friend! I think that, as others here have noted, he saw an easier opportunity with my friend. The truth is just hard to accept and I think I am looking for excuses to go out with him. First bold part: This was your point to step up and say something - even if it was that you weren't sure and that you have feelings for him. Second bold part: Yes you did actually, or at least he took it that way - maybe there was a communication issue again(?). What does 'looking for excuses to go out with him' mean exactly? I personally don't think you should as I think it will all end up a lot messier than it is now and it's pretty messy! But I really don't understand your comment there about looking for excuses. 1
smackie9 Posted August 17, 2017 Posted August 17, 2017 Just my take on it, he's just playing the field and gettin when the gettin is good. He tried to slam you, and you put the brakes on, telling him to be friends. Your friend is aggressive and wanted to slam him so he covered his ass and asked you if it was ok to date her. He wanted to make sure there wouldn't be any repercussions for his actions later because you are still on the menu. Now that they are finished, he is back lookin to slam you but this time saying things you want to hear to get into your pants. Boom. This guy is something else. 1
Author Coldfire Posted August 17, 2017 Author Posted August 17, 2017 kendahke What about his communication issues?? He DIDN'T ask me out. This wasn't a date. We were hanging out as buddies and there were no romantic elements involved until this happened later in the evening after the concert. At this point I told him I don't want to rush this and want to be sure we are doing the right thing because his friendship is important to me. Sorry but I don't think this is a rejection. He also said it didn't seem like a good idea. It would have been a rejection if he asked me out on a date and indicated to me that there was a romantic or even just sexual interest. He didn't do any of this and this came as a shock. I didn't even know he was attracted to me. He wouldn't even offer to buy me a drink ! I have known him for a LONG time. I simply thought he was drunk and confused. Until this point he never indicated that he was interested so in my opinion he should have communicated to me first that he wanted to exit the friend zone because we have been in it for a long time before we reconnected recently... I understand EXACTLY what you are saying but would only agree with you if this was someone who has communicated his interest in me, asked me out etc. He wasn't into you because you freaked out on him and put him in the friendzone pen the first time he was trying to be intimate with you and show you that he was into you like that. The fact is: you couldn't handle it and he took note, so why should he seriously try anymore? If a guy suddenly started freaking out when I was trying to be intimate with him, despite what he says about not wanting to lose my friendship, he would definitely be demoted to "some guy I used to know" status because why waste my time and be embarrassed like that again? He certainly would never again figure prominently on my priority list even if we were to remain in touch because why? Why bother? He's clearly got issues and I don't want to deal with them. There was nothing precluding you from picking up the phone and talking to him at any time to clarify yourself and your feelings further. You chose not to and instead play "read my mind/you should know" games. So, no.. I guess he's not going to be that into you after that experience.
Author Coldfire Posted August 17, 2017 Author Posted August 17, 2017 Hi Gemma I agree there are communication issues on both sides. I think we were both confused because we were friends before and didn't know how to proceed. You are right that I should have communicated better but he really moved on pretty fast after this happened and I never had a chance to see him in person again before he started dating my friend. He asked me via text....I didn't even have time to think this through. I am looking for excuses to go out with him now because I do like him very much and feel attracted to him. I am just having a hard time deciding what to do that's why I posted here. I do not think that I should go out with him at this point based on the great feedback i got from people here. A part of me just thinks that maybe he does have some sort of feelings because I just want to believe it... First bold part: This was your point to step up and say something - even if it was that you weren't sure and that you have feelings for him. Second bold part: Yes you did actually, or at least he took it that way - maybe there was a communication issue again(?). What does 'looking for excuses to go out with him' mean exactly? I personally don't think you should as I think it will all end up a lot messier than it is now and it's pretty messy! But I really don't understand your comment there about looking for excuses.
Author Coldfire Posted August 17, 2017 Author Posted August 17, 2017 smackie9 Yes, totally. Thanks for this. Seriously if he had real romantic interest he would ask me out as I just mentioned in another post. He never asked me out until now and our understanding was that we were having out as friends! I am hundred % sure there was no miscommunication about that. We weren't out on a date and what happened appeared to be one of those experiences we tend to regret the morning after. My expectation would be that we would speak about this in person next time we hang out. Instead he texts me to ask if he can date my friend. Before that he wouldn't go out with her. So in light of what you are saying he was probably trying his luck with me first but it didn't work out and instead of clarifying things with me he just proceeded to the next available option. Now is is telling me he loves me? And he is soon believable. I caught myself fantasizing about him several times Just my take on it, he's just playing the field and gettin when the gettin is good. He tried to slam you, and you put the brakes on, telling him to be friends. Your friend is aggressive and wanted to slam him so he covered his ass and asked you if it was ok to date her. He wanted to make sure there wouldn't be any repercussions for his actions later because you are still on the menu. Now that they are finished, he is back lookin to slam you but this time saying things you want to hear to get into your pants. Boom. This guy is something else.
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