Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 Would really love to get some feedback on this... So this friend of mine I've known for a long time has recently relocated to my city and we have been hanging out. There was always a lot of chemistry between us but we never had a relationship for various reason. Anyway, I genuinely like him, we have many common interests and it was really nice to have him back into my life. Two months ago we went to a concert, had drinks, kissed and nearly had sex. I freaked out and told him I don't want to lose his friendship in case this doesn't work out and he agreed. I also felt he just wasn't sure what he wanted so I didn't want to rush things! Just before this happened I introduced him to one of my best friends who liked him a lot and wanted to date him (she can be a bit aggressive with guys). So my friend kept asking him out and one day he gave me a call to talk about this. He told me he kind of liked her but wasn't sure he wanted to go out with her because of our friendship and he wasn't ready to date anyway because he just broke up with a long term gf. I told him I would be ok with them dating and at the time it seemed like a good idea. Fast forward they went on a couple of days and slept together but it ended up in a disaster and they can't stand each other now. I kept hanging out with him and we ended up kissing again. My feelings have somehow changed and I feel attracted to him in a deeper way. He is asking that we try to be together, take it slow etc. and even telling me that he loves me. He also tells me he is really sorry he dated my friend, that he wasn't even thinking of this, men are stupid etc. etc. I have a problem with this because in my mind if he REALLY really wanted to be with me he would't agree to date my friend (although she tends to put a lot of pressure on people). I actually have a problem with both of them. I asked them to not go into this unless they feel real potential/have real feelings and agree to be friendly afterwards because of me. I feel that they both acted selfish and immature by going through this 1 week of "dating" only to discover that they don't even like each other. Please let me know what you think. I am confused. A part of me feels that in his mind he felt rejected and this was some sort of a revenge which doesn't speak well of his character. Or, even more likely, he doesn't know what he wants which isn't good either. Guys, if you like a woman would you date her friend? Should I trust this guy?
SammySammy Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 I wouldn't. I don't like sharing women amongst friend. I've never been that desperate. Could always get somebody else who didn't have intimate knowledge of my friends. Some guys do that, but they rarely consider those women potential partners. They are almost always temporary entertainment. I wouldn't play that game. Find another man who is not that messy.
d0nnivain Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 You rejected him when you said you only want to be friends. Your female friend pressured him. He didn't seek her out. I see no reason not to trust him but I would keep my eye on her. 3
smackie9 Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 Keep your feelings in check, keep your legs closed and observe his actions. See how honorable he really is with his intentions. Don't get caught up in his jibber jabber. 3
smackie9 Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 (edited) You rejected him when you said you only want to be friends. Your female friend pressured him. He didn't seek her out. I see no reason not to trust him but I would keep my eye on her. No if you read it, before he tried to get into her pants, he had already dated her friend. She didn't reject him before he dated her friend, that's why she is questioning his integrity. Things failed with her friend, and now he's chasing her. She put the brakes on, but he went for it again feeding her crap that this could work out. That is my understanding of the story. She's wondering why she ended up being second choice....is he just wanting to slam her? Or is he truly interested and if he is why didn't he just simply date her first and not bother with the friend. Edited August 16, 2017 by smackie9 1
Author Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Author Posted August 16, 2017 Hi @d0nnivain I didn't firmly reject him but expressed a concern that this could really ruin the friendship if we don't think things through. Then he said he wasn't ready for dating anyway and he also lost a friend like this before. So I said fine, let's be friends then. But I also felt as if I rejected him. In reality I just didn't want to rush! You rejected him when you said you only want to be friends. Your female friend pressured him. He didn't seek her out. I see no reason not to trust him but I would keep my eye on her.
amaysngrace Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 You don't own these people. I think you're taking this way too personally and asking them not to get involved with each other unless they really care about each other was very wrong too. You can't dictate how people act or feel. 2
Author Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Author Posted August 16, 2017 (edited) Hi @smackie9 Actually, no, he tried to sleep with me first but after I said I didn't want to rush things he "agreed to date" my friend. He wasn't dating her before he tried to sleep with me. He actually told both of us that he was't ready to date! After that first time when we didn't sleep together he didn't pursue me further and we didn't discuss the issue again. Instead he proceeded to date/sleep with my friend. I frankly didn't think much of it. BUT as soon as he broke up with her he started telling me all these things AND that if we were together he would never consider being with her. This is not nice at all - if this is how he feels about her he should have agreed to be with her at all. A part of me feels as if 1) he doesn't know what he wants if he can be forced into dating someone he is not really into or 2) he just wants too get laid and I am not special, 3) he just needed an ego boost and was flattered by my friend's interest. Or a combination of all 3. I feel that if he was truly truly interested in me he would stay my friend and see how things go (especially since he said it was too soon for him to date and I actually respected this). His version is that he didn't realise he had feelings for me at that point and didn't think it was wrong to date my friend if we were just friends. I just find this hard to believe.... No if you read it, before he tried to get into her pants, he had already dated her friend. She didn't reject him before he dated her friend, that's why she is questioning his integrity. Things failed with her friend, and now he's chasing her. She put the brakes on, but he went for it again feeding her crap that this could work out. That is my understanding of the story. She's wondering why she ended up being second choice....is he just wanting to slam her? Or is he truly interested and if he is why didn't he just simply date her first and not bother with the friend. Edited August 16, 2017 by Coldfire
Author Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Author Posted August 16, 2017 (edited) I don't own them and I introduced them to each other and fully supported them when they decided to date! I asked them to do promise to try to remain on good terms if this doesn't work out. They both agreed it was a fair request. As of why I advised them to not have sex unless they care about each other - I did this because my friend keeps sleeping with people before she has figured out if she truly likes them or not yet and it does;'t make her happy. So my advice to her in general is to take things slowly. She asks for my advice. They can't be in the same room right now. I can't even ask them both to come to my party next week. Also, if I decide to date this guy now my friend definitely won't talk to be. She actually asked me to cut contact with him which his far more unfair. So I disagree with you. You don't own these people. I think you're taking this way too personally and asking them not to get involved with each other unless they really care about each other was very wrong too. You can't dictate how people act or feel. Edited August 16, 2017 by Coldfire
Miss Spider Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 Well you have Him to ok to date her then he can say the same thing - if you really liked him would you give him the ok to date someone else? TBH, I think if he really liked you he would ask for your permission(?) to date your friend, but who knows. Could be game-playing, could be he thought there was 0 chance of anything happening with you. This whole thing is off to me. Your best shot is to watch his behavior and take it slow like, smackie says. But I'd be leery
Author Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Author Posted August 16, 2017 (edited) Cookiesandough The whole situation is off. Because I was embarrassed that he tried to sleep with me first and couldn't even tell her. He did ask for my permission (and she did too). What was I supposed to tell him? "Don't date her because I like you too"? He needs to decide for himself. He didn't ask me if I would be interested in dating him later on. He was also giving her mixed signals and she was asking me for advice which was not a good situation to be in. I somehow feel as if he was manipulating us both or just acted very insecure and looking for validation everywhere. It's his personality in a way (he just goes with the flow etc.) but this just does't feel right as you say. If I really liked a guy I wouldn't date his friend unless there was no hope I could ever be with him. This was not the case but maybe it was his impression. I have no idea but can't fully trust him. Well you have Him to ok to date her then he can say the same thing - if you really liked him would you give him the ok to date someone else? TBH, I think if he really liked you he would ask for your permission(?) to date your friend, but who knows. Could be game-playing, could be he thought there was 0 chance of anything happening with you. This whole thing is off to me. Your best shot is to watch his behavior and take it slow like, smackie says. But I'd be leery Edited August 16, 2017 by Coldfire
Miss Spider Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 Sorry. That was supposed to read : I think if he really liked you, he WOULDN'T have asked permission to date your friend. So I'm pretty much with you 100%. I think if he liked you wouldn't want to do anything to slight you or give the impression he was interested in anyone but you. But perhaps a guy can offer his perspective. 1
kendahke Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 I have a problem with this because in my mind if he REALLY really wanted to be with me he would't agree to date my friend No. You dont' get to do this. You gave him your blessing to go date your friend because you didn't want to lose his friendship. Just because you've decided to change your feelings doesn't mean he owed you exclusivity until that time came. That is so patently unfair it boggles the mind. 6
Author Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Author Posted August 16, 2017 Cookiesandough, Exactly! And this happens soon after were (were not) together. Can you imagine how hard it was for me to try to be a good friend and fair to both of them in this situation? We almost slept together but we actually didn't and if he liked my friend (which he assured me he "kind of" did) why would I go to her and ruin things for him and her with this information? So I didn't tell her anything. This was hard for me and I think he should know this because they both talked to me about each other. Someone else said here that it wasn't right to tell them what to do but if I was to advise a friend about a guy and knew he just tried to sleep with her friend, I would advise her to be very careful! So it's a mess. And the most messy thing is that I actually really like him and the more I talk about it the more I realize I should be worried. Sorry. That was supposed to read : I think if he really liked you, he WOULDN'T have asked permission to date your friend. So I'm pretty much with you 100%. I think if he liked you wouldn't want to do anything to slight you or give the impression he was interested in anyone but you. But perhaps a guy can offer his perspective.
Author Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Author Posted August 16, 2017 kendahke Yes I gave him my blessing but I never expected that he would be back to me telling me that he loves me after the relationship with her did't work out. I always had feelings for him, and wanted to have him in my life. I was just afraid that sleeping with him would ruin the friendship and I wanted to think things through. Plus, he is the one professing his feelings for me. No. You dont' get to do this. You gave him your blessing to go date your friend because you didn't want to lose his friendship. Just because you've decided to change your feelings doesn't mean he owed you exclusivity until that time came. That is so patently unfair it boggles the mind.
kendahke Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 No. You dont' get to do this. You gave him your blessing to go date your friend because you didn't want to lose his friendship. Just because you've decided to change your feelings doesn't mean he owed you exclusivity until that time came. That is so patently unfair it boggles the mind. To add to this: If you didn't want him to date your friend, you shouldn't have told him it was ok. There was no relationship here, there was no exclusivity agreed upon. He was a free agent, she was a free agent and you were the free agent who said "go ahead". I never offered up my friends to any guy I was friends with, especially those who were rapacious when it came to conquering men.
kendahke Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 kendahke Yes I gave him my blessing but. but nothing. See what happens when you don't stand in and communicate your truth? 4
amaysngrace Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 I don't own them and I introduced them to each other and fully supported them when they decided to date! I asked them to do promise to try to remain on good terms if this doesn't work out. They both agreed it was a fair request. As of why I advised them to not have sex unless they care about each other - I did this because my friend keeps sleeping with people before she has figured out if she truly likes them or not yet and it does;'t make her happy. So my advice to her in general is to take things slowly. She asks for my advice. They can't be in the same room right now. I can't even ask them both to come to my party next week. Also, if I decide to date this guy now my friend definitely won't talk to be. She actually asked me to cut contact with him which his far more unfair. So I disagree with you. Did you cut contact with him per her request? If you haven't then it's really hard for you to expect them to do as you please while you ignore what they'd like from you. Truly none of you can control each other. I don't know why you'd even ask that from them. I don't think I'd want to date that boy though. He seems like he's only after one thing. 1
Author Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Author Posted August 16, 2017 Is your advice to trust him, go out with him and allow myself to have feelings for him? I am not judging him, it just doesn't feel right that's all. No. You dont' get to do this. You gave him your blessing to go date your friend because you didn't want to lose his friendship. Just because you've decided to change your feelings doesn't mean he owed you exclusivity until that time came. That is so patently unfair it boggles the mind.
Author Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Author Posted August 16, 2017 You are right about this but isn't a guy supposed to choose for himself? I thought maybe he liked her more. Told him to thank him we stayed friends because if we slept together I would definitely tell her. What should I do NOW? but nothing. See what happens when you don't stand in and communicate your truth?
Author Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Author Posted August 16, 2017 She is asking me to cut contact NOW after the relationship didn't work out. Before that she assured me we would all stay friends. I think you are right - I probably shouldn't date him. But for as long as I've known him he has mostly had long term relationships. He is definitely not a player from what I know! That's why everything is so confusing. Because if I just met him I would just think that he wants to just sleep around and pursuing every option.... Did you cut contact with him per her request? If you haven't then it's really hard for you to expect them to do as you please while you ignore what they'd like from you. Truly none of you can control each other. I don't know why you'd even ask that from them. I don't think I'd want to date that boy though. He seems like he's only after one thing.
amaysngrace Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 She is asking me to cut contact NOW after the relationship didn't work out. Before that she assured me we would all stay friends. I think you are right - I probably shouldn't date him. But for as long as I've known him he has mostly had long term relationships. He is definitely not a player from what I know! That's why everything is so confusing. Because if I just met him I would just think that he wants to just sleep around and pursuing every option.... Honestly if you were girlfriend material to him and he was totally into you like any boyfriend of yours should be, he'd never date your friend out of respect for you. At least that's what I think anyway. 2
Author Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Author Posted August 16, 2017 Thank you! This is exactly how I feel. The only problem is that he is telling me now that his impression was that I wasn't interested in being anything else but friends. So this makes me question things. Honestly if you were girlfriend material to him and he was totally into you like any boyfriend of yours should be, he'd never date your friend out of respect for you. At least that's what I think anyway.
amaysngrace Posted August 16, 2017 Posted August 16, 2017 Thank you! This is exactly how I feel. The only problem is that he is telling me now that his impression was that I wasn't interested in being anything else but friends. So this makes me question things. Maybe it was all just a test to help you see who these people that you place so much value into truly are? Maybe they both failed?
Author Coldfire Posted August 16, 2017 Author Posted August 16, 2017 amaysngrace, You are so right! This was my first reaction - that they both were completely selfish and never considered MY feelings for a moment throughout this whole story. She knew that I did have some feelings for him because I was so happy he moved back to the city yet she pursued him relentlessly only to find out that he wasn't right for her a week later. Then asked me to stop talking to him... He did't hesitate to try to sleep with me and then move on to date one of my very best friends almost immediately without trying to completely resolve the situation between us somehow. He also knew that I cared about him. So you are making an excellent point here. Maybe they both failed and I should reconsider trusting then. I wouldn't have acted like either of them Maybe it was all just a test to help you see who these people that you place so much value into truly are? Maybe they both failed? 1
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