"Update: 4 weeks NC and ex reaches out saying he wants me back"?

[Jjun]

I just can't help but feel like I am at fault here. I feel like every relationship I have had before was not that great and ended because of the other person more so than myself. So it was easier to accept. In this situation I feel as though I was the one that caused it and I just want to fix it now.

 

And it hurts to see him just not care.. I just cant accept the fact that he got over all this that easily.. there has to be some love left in him. I am not saying I will change for him, but I want him to have an open mind and that there may be a chance for us in the future.

 

It hurts so much to see him acting like he doesn't care about me all of a sudden and seem so unaffected by all this. I know i was bad but i didn't know i was THAT bad that he genuinely seems to not care one bit.

[stillafool]

I just can't help but feel like I am at fault here. I feel like every relationship I have had before was not that great and ended because of the other person more so than myself.

 

If you really mean this then you should not enter any relationship until you get help for your insecurity and neediness. Every relationship will end up this way if you don't sort yourself out prior to entering another one. Leave this guy alone now and let him be happy.

[Jjun]

I 100% don't want to enter into any other relationships. I want to be single and work on myself.

 

Slightly harsh to say to leave him alone and let him be happy. He was happy with me at one point and loved me.. I don't understand why it isn't possible to get back to that point..

[Jjun]

I'm just afraid that if I leave him alone completely, I will lose him forever and that's a scary thought.. :/

 

To spend almost everyday talking to someone and spending every weekend with them and their friends and being told you are loved and will be together forever.. to having them cut you off and just not care about you within a 4 day time period..

[stillafool]

I 100% don't want to enter into any other relationships. I want to be single and work on myself.

Slightly harsh to say to leave him alone and let him be happy. He was happy with me at one point and loved me.. I don't understand why it isn't possible to get back to that point..

 

I said this because the guy was so miserable with how you acted that he is now indifferent to you. He probably wants some peace and happiness at this point. Since you want to be single and work on yourself it would be best to leave him alone.

[Jjun]

I said this because the guy was so miserable with how you acted that he is now indifferent to you. He probably wants some peace and happiness at this point. Since you want to be single and work on yourself it would be best to leave him alone.

I guess you are right. He said the main problem was how I never seem satisfied with what he did and always found faults in things which made him tired and give up. We had a lot of happy moments together too you know.. it just the last few weeks i think fell apart with a combination of a lot. I just miss my friend who i used to talk to all the time and i guess I am not ready to let go..

 

I haven't felt a pain like this before. i trusted him and thought he would be there for me. I feel pain that he just doesn't seem to care so easily, pain that I messed up so much, and just pain that this is all happening.

[Jjun]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond and help me out with this problem. I really appreciate it.

[Blanco]

I guess you are right. He said the main problem was how I never seem satisfied with what he did and always found faults in things which made him tired and give up.

 

I was in a relationship like this, and it just chips away at you until you just don't care anymore. The way you describe it, it sounds like his grievances with you are valid. No one wants to feel like they are perpetually fighting an uphill battle.

 

Again, I say let this be a lesson to apply going forward. It's one thing to have standards, boundaries, and a sense of your needs in a relationship. It's another for those to be completely unrealistic.

[usa1ah]

Literally last week he was talking about how much he loved me and how he was considering marrying me in the future and having kids.Is there no return from this point of indifference? is he tapped out completely? I just cant stop thinking about how i could have prevented all of this and how i pushed him to this point..

 

You broke him. I believe he did love you. But when you acted the way you did them saying the two of you should break up. His indifference is him feeling numb. You broke his heart I do believe. I say he is indifferent to everything right now not just you.

[Maldives]

Firstly I wanna condemn u for being so honest, aware and looking at the log in ur own eye. I must say I haven't met many woman this aware or open to where they went wrong.

 

Secondly This, u did mention in ur thread that he drank a bit and forgot gifts on important anniversaries, I'm gonna say that's quiet important I know how that feels. That's a valid reason for how u feel. I don't know if you've read the five languages of love? I think that's a really important book for couples to read it talks about what our love styles are and to me you sound like it's through gifts and appreciation is when ur love metre gets filled. Others want touch or through words or spending time . I think we all should when in a relationship try to figure out our partners love language and I think a lot of our needs would be met better. Don't be too hard on herself in sure it wasn't just all ur fault. It's easy to lose sight of this when we get dumped. Getting dumped breeds obsession.."rejection breeds obsession". We obsess over what went wrong blame ourselves.there was a reason u reacted the way u did and I bet it had to do wth his actions.

It's like my ex she was always late sometimes if be waiting around almost an hour it's not nice so we fight but the fight had stemmed from her being frequently late. Try and see it from a perspective that takes that into account his own actions.

To be honest I'm still not good at conflict resolution. My mate once gave me some really good advice and at the time I knew he was right but can't remain calm if I'm being egged on I retaliate. To walk away from an argument or concede eventually no one wins.

Not really sure what u should do next some guys want to be begged and chased. Have u broken up often and then reconcile shortly after?

Edited August 17, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Jjun]

We broke up once before for less than a day for reasons that honestly don't matter now.

 

I realized yesterday that I was holding on to something dead out of fear of just letting it go. I also realized that he seems to have checked out and not care anymore so there is really no reason for me to be the desperate ex trying to beg for him. In hindsight I appreciate that he isn't playing games and chasing me around, he is trying to move on with his life (as I should be too).

 

I texted him last night saying that I think it is actually better if we don't meet up right now. Maybe we can meet and discuss this a few months from now, but right now we need space from each other.

 

I re-read this entire thread and I think I need to just focus on my own life and work on all the issues that I stated because I realized I'm clearly not in a good place mentally or emotionally right now. I don't want to be that bitter person who is always angry about something and I think that is kind of were I am right now.

 

It's going to be hard but time to move-on I guess :/

[Jjun]

So it has now been about 6 weeks since my break-up. I had reached out to my ex a few times after my last post here, but started NC about 4 weeks ago after realizing he was being a jerk and didn't seem to want anything to do with me.

 

Yesterday, I went out with some of our mutual friends to a rave that i guess he was at too. I ended up running into all his friends that were with him (we were all good friends before and we all just caught up). I did not, however, run into my ex. After seeing his friends me and my 2 friends I came with (that he knew) ended up just going to a different part of the club where we knew they wouldn't be. During the night he starts texting my friend saying that he owes him a drink for helping him get his new job and if he can go meet up with him. So my friend goes and then comes back with a shot of patron (yuck!) saying my ex told him to give this to me and apologize for everything he has done. I took the shot and moved on with my night. Then, my ex starts texting my friend telling him to tell me to text my ex... Again, i ignore it and go on with my night. My ex starts blowing up my friends phone saying that "I guess this means she doesn't want me back, I just really want to talk to her. I miss her so much" and a bunch of other things like that. I ignore all of this and move on again since he is clearly kind of drunk. As the night goes on he starts texting me (We haven't talked directly in about 4 weeks) saying he is sorry about everything and that he misses me.

 

Basically, I never responded or met up with him while in the club. But as we were leaving and driving back he still kept hitting my friend up saying he needs to talk to him and he just really wants to talk to me too and ends up calling him. My friend tells me that when he saw him earlier he looked very genuine and was tearing up a little when buying the shot for me and how he felt bad and thought I should talk to him. At this point it has been 5-6 hours since the night had begun and he was mostly sobered up.

 

I decided to call my ex when i got home and was alone and he was too (around 4 am). i know it wasn't the smartest move and maybe i should've waited til the morning or something, but i wanted to just discuss this all while it was fresh.

 

He ended up telling he realized he made a huge mistake over the past few weeks and realized I was right about a lot of things. He recently had an interview with Amazon for a big job and just found out he got it this week. So he said it made him start re-evaluating his life and how he as been living it (constantly partying and never taking anything seriously). He realized how good he had it with me and how he took it for granted and wants to be back with basically. He wanted me to give him a shot at trying to reconcile and talk so that maybe we can work towards fixing what we had. I told him that i did not think this was a good idea and that we both needed to be single and there hasn't been enough time for us to really learn from our mistakes and start a new relationship without failing. That we need a few weeks of space/time before I can even consider this idea. He said that was fine and if i did not want to take him back he understood but he just wanted me to think about it.

 

Another thing i found out through talking to him is that he did sleep with his ex about 3 weeks after we broke up. This wasn't really a surprise since i knew they were hanging out and honestly was more disappointed than upset. I also understand that we were broken up so who he slept with wasn't my place to judge. He said he regrets it and wishes he never did it. It was a one time thing and he realized it was a mistake right after. But again, this adds to difficulty of the whole situation..

 

Another problem is while we were broken up I was hanging out with about 3 friends that i had met through him who had become GOOD friends of mine as well over the past year. Two of them were guys and we would all go out as a group and just have a good time (We did this WHILE i was dating him as well). Basically his other IMMATURE friends started turning this around and getting it into his head how I was terrible for hanging with them and I shouldn't have and would always talk crap about it causing him to grow spiteful. He said this mixed in with everything is the reason he never contacted or talked me, but now realized those people were toxic.

 

ANYWAYS, sorry for the wall of text i'm just kind of confused as to what to do. i really do think I love him and I want to be with him, but I don't know if it is feasible at this point. I know we shouldn't get back together after a few more months and would need to take it slow, but I'm just confused about what to do.

Edited September 24, 2017 by jasakido

[SpecialJ]

It sounds like you've got your head on straight about this. You know you need more time to work on yourself (especially letting go of some control/being critical and shifting your attitude so you can be more satisfied with yourself and your life -- and then being satisfied with others around you will follow. Therapy might be good to help you with this part, as it will take work). He also may not appreciate yet that he's going to need some space for himself because his life is about to change. Amazon is a big deal, and they work their employees very hard with long hours. If he's been focused on partying and not as much on his career, it's probably smart to give him an adjustment period to deal with his stuff while you're working on you.

 

However, if you two can sit down and hash out your issues, what you've learned and plan to change, what you each need, and why it would be different, maybe after that it wouldn't be a bad idea to slowly start hanging out again once a week, WITHOUT ANY HOOKING UP YET, and seeing if his actions are in line with his words. If he thinks he took you for granted, then he's got to show you he's really not going to do that again. And you should both tell and show him where you take responsibility for what you think you did wrong, and that you do appreciate him as a person.

 

Do you feel after all this that you two could have a new, better relationship and that he's still the right person for you?

Edited September 25, 2017 by SpecialJ