LoveNoLoss Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 Actually, I have known both of them EQUALLY throughout the years. I am not her friend anymore than I am his. Hence my reservations. If she were more my friend then yes, I would say something. The other side of that coin is that their is something about him that frightens me... can't really explain it so I am staying out of it. And yes... my nose is clean
LoveNoLoss Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 You seem to be the other half the problem for this soon to be wife and if you will just remove yourself from the equation then they may go on to be a great couple She is one of the problems of the equation. With all due respect, do you really believe this kind of guy will stop once they are married. There will be many more just like her my friend... many more. A ring won't change this guy... trust me.
Author herpesita24 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Posted August 11, 2005 I have always been very hard on myself. I think that is what has kept me going through life and has kept me strong through all of the experiences I have had. Like I said many posts ago, there is nothing that anyone could say to me that could be worse than what I say to myself. I am running the gammot of emotions here. Monday I was angry, Tuesday I was remorseful, today I'm just sad. It's amazing how people have the ability to render someone to such utter despair by their actions. I personally do not want to do that to her but I see it as ineveitable. Not by me, I just think that someday, somehow, somewhere, she will be feeling how I am, questioning herself and wondering how she didn't see it. I dread that day for her. I just keep thinking back to all of the times he called me and wanted to see me all the while I picture his fiance going through the steps to plan the best day of her life. The day she registered he was asking me to get him tickets to the U2 concert I was going to. He has no regard for anyone's feelings other than his own. I left my boyfriend to be with him. 10 months ago I had very strong feelings for him, I won't deny that. I worked all winter and this summer to put all of that past me. I can control my actions, and I did so poorly. But I cannot control my feelings and when all of this resurfaced so too did those emotions. I'm only human.
TUDOR Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 Originally posted by LoveNoLoss She is one of the problems of the equation. With all due respect, do you really believe this kind of guy will stop once they are married. There will be many more just like her my friend... many more. A ring won't change this guy... trust me. Not arguing that he may not change his ways but who is she or even us to take away his chance to change and do the right thing? Statisticly yes he will probably repeat his behavior but no way to know for sure. Its not that I disagree with the fiance's need to know, I just think the motives and reasoning are all wrong here. She spoke of her disgust as to how he was treating his soon to be wife yet she encouraged him by knowingly being with him while he was in a committed relationship. Like I said before guys like this are only as faithful as their options and the best thing to do is what she should have done sooner and just taker herself away as an option. Life's lessons are invaluable but unfortunately we have to learn them for our selves and that means not intervening at times.
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 The other side of that coin is that their is something about him that frightens me... can't really explain it so I am staying out of it. Crap, LoveNoLess! With skeevy friends like that, I hope you don't have any enemies!
LoveNoLoss Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 Tudor, Yes, while people can change, I only think they change if they want to and with good motivation. What would be his motivation to stop cheating on his fiance? The marriage? Certainly not. He has some serious "entitlement" attitude. My husband started up within the first year and a half. He then continued it throughout the marriage with a total of 7 women. He has since been in therapy and claims to have changed. I doubt that one's moral compass changes in a year. However, if he is going to change, it will be now. He lost me and it has hurt and made him realize that maybe the band groupies weren't worth losing his wife. The one he claims to love although I wonder what his version of love really is... Maybe if he realizes he might lose her... THEN ONLY might that motivate him to change. Hard to say, but I would be willing to be bet hard earned cash that he doesn't. Enigma, I agree... he has changed over to an enemy. For more history, my husband played in his band (one of the three he played in) and my husband had sex with 7 groupies one of which was a groupie of this guy's band. It's all sleezy... and I am out and away from that environment.. thank god.
SoftDrink Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 in most situations, i don't think it matters who tells the wife or why... the result will be the same regardless--as in, the wife will know. the motive doesn't change the outcome.
passing through Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 If you leave it up to the cheating man to tell, the woman will marry him without ever knowing. You're a woman like her, would you like that to happen to you? You were wrong to sleep with a committed man, but you did, now do what you can to make things are right as you can. As one woman to another, you and I both know that finding out your lover has been lying to you is extremely painful, but you do heal and in the end you're glad someone had the guts to let you know, even if it was the OW. Sure, she'll be angry and hate you, even blame everything on you. But eventually the anger will pass and she will begin to heal, and one day in her heart she will thank you for bringing to light the fact that he is not a faithful man. Be respectful, be kind, call her up and give her ONE chance to ask you any questions she has to ask and tell her that you will do this only once because you need to move on and heal from it yourself. Tell the truth. What she chooses to do with the information you provide her is up to her. She might turn a blind eye to it, then again she might break it off with him, any action she takes will be up to her at that point. Then walk away from it. You made a bad mistake, own up to it now, but you shouldn't have to pay for it for the rest of your life. Release that guilt and move on. By keeping quiet you help him to conceal his real nature from his wife. He is a user and a hurtful man who doesn't care how hurt you are and how hurt his wife would be if she knew. God help his future wife!
Author herpesita24 Posted August 13, 2005 Author Posted August 13, 2005 Hi all, I haven't told... yet. I keep going back and forth thinking it's a good idea, thinking it's a bad idea. Through all of the advice offered here I agree with both sides. I've also carried this discussion through with many of my friends and the response is much of the same. Today I'm leaning more towards talking to him. I have questions I want answered. I have no desire to talk to him, but I think if I do it may help resolve this issue for me. 1) How long have you been engaged. 2) Why didn't you tell me. 3) Where you ever going to tell me. 4) Does she know about me. I'm pretty sure that I will never be able to trust someone again. I appreciate everything you all had to say. This has been a tough week for me. -CR
RecordProducer Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Okay, I completely understood your post. My eternal rule is "Mind your own business!" However in this case, if I were her, I would like to know. if she is a woman with values and he is some scum-bag then you will do no harm to her by telling her what he I like. Go ahead, tell her. Just don't write anonymous letter or something... talk to her. Tell her the truth, the way you told us here. She deserves better, you bet!
whyohwhy Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 I have questions I want answered. I have no desire to talk to him, but I think if I do it may help resolve this issue for me. 1) How long have you been engaged. 2) Why didn't you tell me. 3) Where you ever going to tell me. 4) Does she know about me. Please don't. The chances of hearing anything that is both true and helpful to you is essentially zero. He's been lying and manipulating for so long, you think he's going to stop right now of all times? I'm pretty sure that I will never be able to trust someone again. Why? You bit into a bad apple, it tasted bad. There are plenty good apples out there. Just stay away from committed men and you will do OK.
lust4life Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 You do realize this man is a liar, right? If he is a cheat he is also a liar. Do you believe you will get honest answers from a liar? Just tell her so she can live her life informed and not live under his lies.
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