herpesita24 Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Hi Everyone, I posted this topic in the dating section too but thought that since this is soon to be an issue of infidelity between a married couple that I would post here too. I am seeking any advice that you can offer. Last summer, just a year ago this August, I met someone while I was in a relationship that I was unhappy with. My (now) ex and I had been together for 2 1/2 years when I met this other guy and I suddenly realized there were "more fish in the sea". I have never cheated on any other boyfriends (I'm 28) and never will again, but I made one exception. In all honesty I don't think I would have ever done it if my ex had been faithful to me. He cheated on me, twice, and it was the only way I knew how to take away the pain and anger. I make no excuse for my actions and I have since confessed everything to my ex. When I met this other guy, who I will call DD, he too was in a relationship. In fact he lived with his girlfriend, but he confessed to be as unhappy with her as I was with my ex. Together we made the best of our situations. When we first got together I didn't care about his girlfriend nor what I could be doing to their relationship. If anything I probably made their relationship better. As I grow older I put a lot more value and trust into relationships and feel that as I approach my thirties it is time to grow up and act responsibly. I am an attractive woman and am constantly propositioned by married and committed men, but I have never taken them up on their offers. Until DD, I have never been "that" girl... the homewrecker. Things progressed with DD and by October my ex and I were completely done and although it was warranted, it still hurt. I used DD as my rebound, my backpocket boyfriend, to get me through my breakup. As I slowly regained my confidence and realized I was strong and independent, the more I realized that what I had with DD was very unhealthy. More so, I began to realize that I was doing something that would be incredibly painful to someone if they found out. It was no longer about me, nor DD, it was about her. By the beginning of this year I decided that I did not want to be a part of his infidelity anymore. The last time we were together was in March and since then I had very limited contact with him, on my part. There is no doubt that things slowed down at this point, but he still called, he'd still stop by and occasionally I'd give in and we would have sex. Well, the story gets more interesting... it was also about this time that I realized who his girlfriend is. Due to a job change she now works near me and we work in the same industry and have mutual contacts. On average I see her several times a week. A few weeks ago when I saw her, I also saw an engagement ring on her finger. When we first got together DD was very clear that he was not in love and did not want to marry her. He never told me they were engaged, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw the ring. I don't know when, or for how long they have been engaged but just last night I found out when they are going to be married.... October 1 of this year, less than 2 months away! I'm stunned. I'm not angry, I'm not bitter and I'm not sad. I have been moved on from him for many months, but I feel incredibly sad for his wife to be. I think in some ways I was his last fling before tying the knot and if that's the case perhaps he will change his ways. But history is a better indicator of what the future will bring. Although he certainly came around less, he still came around. He was just at my house this Saturday, and we had sex in July... he never told me about the wedding, never even told me he was engaged. He knows I know now because I asked him and when he said yes I kicked him out and have ignored him since despite his efforts to try to contact me since. I'm also not the only girl he's went out on her with. When we first got together he told me that they had lived in Florida and that there was a girl there that he had a similar relationship (as mine) with. He also confessed to me that he slept with his fiance's friend one time. He already has a daughter, and rumored to have a son from two other women. I have many friends who have offered advice to me on this situation and I would like to hear from some others, who don't know the people involved. I know that it's really not my place to make someone elses life hell, but I also know that if it were me, I'd want to know. As painful as it may be, I don't ever want to marry someone like that. I suppose in some ways I'm very happy they are getting married because it's one less dirtbag I have to worry about. But she certainly does not deserve that either. She's a beautiful intelligent woman with her MBA and her own house (that he just lives in). Like I said before, I know I've done wrong but my actions are not about me or about him anymore, it's about her. I feel horrible that I have been the other woman for so long and I feel horrible that she is marrying someone she has no idea of how unfaithful he has been. I view marriage as the most sacred, trusting and important commitment someone can make to another person. I suppose they could have an open relationship and she pretends not to know, but that concept is beyond my understanding. I know this post is long and thank you for taking the time to read it. I wanted to give as much background as possible. I would love to hear from any and all of you as to how I should proceed from here. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
Bryanp Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Hello, I think this is a no brainer. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want someone to tell you about your boyfriend before you married him? It would be an act of kindness. To paraphrase Edumund Burke: All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Please do the right thing and inform her about the type of person she is going to marry and who will attempt to probably bring great sadness to her life.
Debster Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 I'm unclear - is your rationale for wanting to tell the fiance because you don't want to hurt her? If so, I'm sure she may view it as you having been the cause of the hurt in the first place. If you work in the same industry and with the same contacts, a lot could come back to bite you in the butt. IMO, keep no contact with the guy and keep your mouth shut.
Debster Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 I think this is a no brainer. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want someone to tell you about your boyfriend before you married him? It would be an act of kindness. To paraphrase Edumund Burke: All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Please do the right thing and inform her about the type of person she is going to marry and who will attempt to probably bring great sadness to her life. I couldn't disagree more. Yes, if the roles were reversed, I would want to know. However, if I was told by the OW, not only would my anger be directed at my fiance, it would also be directed at a woman who knew he was taken, didn't give a crap and got involved in my relationship. An act of kindness would have been to not get involved with someone who is taken in the first place. Yes, she has realized the errors of her ways but not until afterwards. Plus, if I worked in the same industry as the woman I would do everything in my power to make her life a living hel*. There is nothing like a woman scorned.
Bryanp Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 The above poster disagrees but if fact says if the roles were reversed she would want to know. It is irrelevant what the motives are. Any person would want the information. Will it hurt if it comes from the OW? Definantely but if it is a choice between getting the information from the OW or not getting the information at all before the marriage then I repeat it is a no brainer. Most thinking people would want to have the information than not have it.
Debster Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Maybe I wasn't clear: If the roles were reversed, and my fiance was cheating on me - Yes I would want to know. However: Would I want to know from the OW: NO way. It is not irrelevant what the motives are. If it is the OW who spills the beans, I would second guess why she is telling me. If it was someone else who wasn't involved in the affair, then I could see it as trying to be kind. It appears as if the poster wants to tell the fiance because she feels guilty and wants to confess. While that might make her feel better it will destroy his fiance. If he is as big a piece of scum as the poster says (with multiple people and kids that might be his from other people) and his actions are already fueling the rumour mill I'm sure that either she knows already what she's getting and STILL wants it - or people have already warned her and she just didn't listen. People will belive what they want to believe. Another reason why I told the poster not to tell the fiance personally is because they work in the same industry and have the same contacts. That fiance could make the OW's life horrible and ruin her reputation in the industry. If the poster is as regretful as she says she is, she doesn't deserve that. If you are so adament in wanting to tell her, I would do it annonymously. Outlining the friend that slept with her, and the other information you know. Give her enough information in the letter that she can check things out herself. I repeat it is a no brainer. Most thinking people would want to have the information than not have it. Thinking people? Is that a dig? Are you saying that someone can't disagree with you and still be 'thinking'?
lust4life Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 I had a last fling before marriage, a one night stand not a relationship like this guy has been having with you. She deserves to know, and yes you should tell her. Tell her he was just at your house Saturday and that you have not slept with him since July. Explain the situation and how you didn't think about HER until you Met her. I think even if this is to eleviate some of your guilt it is a good thing. Let her make an educated decesion on whether or not to marry the cheat.
Author herpesita24 Posted August 10, 2005 Author Posted August 10, 2005 Hi again, Thank you for taking the time to discuss this problem out with me. Reading your responses has been helpful. I've tried to stay offline because I want to see what people's responses are. After the last posts I want to comment on a couple of things. My intentions for telling her are not to relieve any guilt. Yes, I do feel guilty, but my guilt was more with having cheated on my own boyfriend of the time, not so much about her. And I have had that conversation with my ex. As soon as I started considering her as a person and that she shares her life with him. I called it off. Things were very intense for several months, right up until the holidays. Afterward they almost ceased to exist. I suspect it was around that time he proposed. It was also around that time that I realized that he was a waste of my time and I should be focused on meeting nice, honest and trustworthy men (still looking...). Until this past July I had not slept with him since March. I also made no contact with him, it was always him contacting me. He'd call all the time, text message or just show up at my house. I never initiated the contact. The July incident was a mistake on my part. I let my guard down and used him simply for sex. Wrong, I know. I realize that telling her would hurt her immensly and that is probably one of the main reasons why I haven't done it yet. This poor girl is in the midst of planning one of the most important and exciting days of her life. This summer I was in the Maid of Honor in two weddings, my sister's and my best friends. Watching all the planning and how excited they were... I know what this girl is going through and I do NOT want to be the girl that knocks on the door and says hey, guess what, I've been screwing your boyfriend for a year. On the other hand however, I also have a friend that after 10 years of marriage and two kids is just finalizing her divorce because her husband couldn't keep his d!c$ in his pants. This girl is not my friend, although I mentioned that we know people in common, she has no clue who I am. I could walk into her office right now and she wouldn't have a clue. As for us working in the same industry... it is a very large industry and although the chance exists that our paths could cross it's very slim. Sadly, I also work in an industry that infidelity is accepted and is much of the norm. I'm beginning to think that relationships are a farce and that people get married for the comforts of having a duel income and a companion, but that extramariatal affairs are necessary. It's very sad. My parents have been married for 35 years, there has only been one divorce within my entire extended family... EVER. Marriage is the most enormous commitment one person can make to another and I will never take that leap unless I am 100% sure that he is my prince charming and that we will only build a future together... not pass the time until the next affair begins. In light of all that I have witnessed in my own experiences, my friends and coworkers, I don't ever want to be in this poor girls shoes and ultimately that is why I have this want to tell her. I have made it clear to everyone I know, that if ever happens to me, that I want to be told. But I am not her and that is where I remain unclear. Perhaps she doesn't want to know. Perhaps she knows but doesn't care. Many people live their life within the comforts of what they will accept. I know many people whose SO's are sleeping around and as long as they have their house and bank account, it's okay. But that's not me, that's why I've asked others. I suppose there's a chance that she suspects, I honestly don't know how she wouldn't considering the stories he's told he's given her. So maybe she's okay with it. I'm so confused. Is it my place to try to prevent the inevitable? Even before I knew they were engaged I'd brainstorm ways that I could somehow have her find out without it being directly connected to me. I even went so far as sending her an anonymous email with a link to cheaters.com one time and when she responded I panicked and left it alone. The bottom line is he is a dirtbag and he does not deserve to have her, nor does she deserve him. But ultimately, it's really not my business is it? Everyone lives their lives differently and who am to make decisions for those that do not make decisions with me? I think also, another motive is that I'd like to see him flat on his ass. It angers me to no end that his is so disrespectful and dishonest with the woman he is about to marry. He is a very good liar and I think he gets a thrill of knowing he has conqured one more time. I almost understand the one last fling before marriage but this was far more than a fling. It was a screwed up relationship. When we first got together I sincerely thought that he was going to leave her and I'm pretty confident that they were not engaged. I guess that's why in some ways I allowed it to continue. I really did like him and could have easily seen myself falling pray to his antics. A few months into it however, I opened my eyes and saw it for what it really was and it took a long time to move on. It's amazing how people have the power to destory another person. I'm pretty sure I hold that power in my hands right now but am not sure that I want to use it. It's not to be destructive nor for personal gain. I just think of her, another woman wearing shoes that I've walked the road with and I simply feel pity on her. -CR
Bryanp Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 To Lust4Life, I am curious since you said you had a one night stand right before your marriage. How would you have felt if your fiance had screwed some woman right before your marriage? How could not see how disrespectful that was to the man you were about to married? Why would you wish to hurt someone who loved you enough to want to marry you? My guess is that probably did not even tell him. Would you want to be treated the way you treated him? Obviously I do not know your story but it seems so sad that you felt a need to screw another man right before you married your husband. What a lack of respect toward your new to be husband.
lust4life Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Well, if you are going to use someone for sex why not a cad, right? I think we all may have a little cakeman/woman in us from time to time. When I was single I had more of a amle mentality toward sex, when I was engaged it scared me to think of never having sex with another person. So how through-out the 20 years of my marriage monogamy just came naturally to me, felt so right. I also truly never believed my spouse would cheat. He is just a really great guy, thank goodness he is again. I do not believe it would be solely to relieve your guilt, I am sorry if that is the way it came acrossed, what I meant was SO what if it were, she should kjnow regardless of your motivations behind it.
lust4life Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 You can guess all you want, I stated that I did tell him and your guessing won't change the truth. I told him. I told him I wasn't sure if marriage was right for me and I wasn't dating him exclusively when he asked me to marry him, and he knew this. I am 43 now, was 21 then. Our marriage has been great we have great children and a wonderful life. His infidelity of 3 years ago was short lived and now thank goodness not so painful. One part of my personality that I cherish is that I am an honest person, sometimes painfully honest and telling him that I had slept with someoneelse was like sharing it with my best friend. He was hurt but also thrilled that I told him and that the guy didn't compare. The one night stand man was also someone that had asked me to marry him, he did not compare in bed... :)can you say boring??
LoveNoLoss Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Ya know, these are toughies. We could really debate the heck out of this one but I will offer my opinion because that is what you are seeking. A couple of years ago, I would have said, you know, just forget him, don't tell her, move on and learn. You have to remember that people offer their opinions mostly based on their experiences and beliefs. Since I was with a serial cheating husband for 8 years (had 7 affairs that I know of) I am going to have to say TELL HER. I don't know what your motivations are for telling her but even if they are selfish, you would still be doing her a favor. Now, since you are in the same industry (BTW, which industry accepts infidelity?) I would do it anonymously. But make sure you have CERTAIN information that she would not be able to blow off. For instance, did he have a special birthmark in a "special" place??? It's hard to know whether she knows he is a pig or not. Maybe, maybe not. It's sounds like he is a serial cheater and those usually don't reform. I am pretty sure he won't stop once he marries her. He just found a "good" one to hang on to while he sticks his #^%*$ in everything else that moves. I wished that someone had told me long time ago that my husband was having affairs left and right. I could have saved YEARS of my youth and beauty to find someone that wasn't putting me in danger of STD's and breaking my heart in the meantime. I know not everyone would agree with me here and that's fine. If you tell her, even if she doesn't believe it, you will give her a chance to make a choice. Even if she finds out down the road that her husband is cheating on her (and she will eventually) she will remember your attempt at telling her the truth which would put more ammo into the situation. Some women won't believe it no matter what they see. A GOOD PORTION of the time there are red flags to be seen. I now know what they were but I didn't "want" to see them. Save her years of heartache... maybe even save her life.... who wouldn't want to know they were marrying a pig? Just my 2 cents.
sylviaguardian Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 When I first read this post my first reaction was to tell you to but. I think if you are really honest with yourself, you would admit that your motivation (as most people's is who do this) is to get revenge. You mention that he told you he never loved her and then suddenly they're getting married. The bottom line is why should you care? You didn't care when you slept with her fiance, why do you care now? That said, the more I think about it, the guy is obviously a narcissistic dirtbag. It is obvious she would be better off without him and if she knows what he is like, she will be saved the pain of maybe having kids with him etc. So tell her. I don't know how you will tell her though. Maybe you could get someone else to do it. Just be prepared though - she will want to kill you and so will he. I have read some posts here where the BS has told the other BS and they have been grateful but I don't know any happy outcomes where the OW has told the BS. be very clear that you have played a part in wrecking someone else's life. I hope too that you are never in a relationship where your fiance/husband/boyfriend finds a woman who 'just can't resist'. Best of luck to you, Sylvia
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 By the beginning of this year I decided that I did not want to be a part of his infidelity anymore. The last time we were together was in March and since then I had very limited contact with him, on my part. Then you say… Although he certainly came around less, he still came around. He was just at my house this Saturday, and we had sex in July... July was last month. I think the most important thing here is to get your story straight if you're going to tell it. I'm also left to wonder if this sudden urge play Good Samaritan has more to do with seeing that engagement ring on her finger than turning over a new leaf. Gotta tell ya…no matter how innocent you try to play it off here, you're not going to gain any brownie points since you are the one shagging her fiancé. Just last month. Also this: Due to a job change she now works near me and we work in the same industry and have mutual contacts. This is going to get icky (as if this soap opera wasn't bad enough). Consider before hand what it's going to do to your comphy work environment now that you'll be working closely with someone who is going to no doubt resent you. The rumors. The gossip. Think about what that might do to your personal and professional reputation among your coworkers and employers. I feel sad for this lady, too. But if you wanted to play good-doobie, the time to tell her would have been the moment you were propositioned by this guy and NOT after you had your fun and saw that diamond on someone else's finger. Check your motives and get someone who really cares about this young girl to do it.
whyohwhy Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 Out of sheer pragmatism, I say, "DON'T TELL'. There will be no gratitude and no satisfied sense of having done the right thing. You will get blasted in the face with double barrels by the fiancee if/when you do tell. As another poster said... ...Just be prepared though - she will want to kill you and so will he... Also, I have to say that the urge to go around telling strangers things that "they ought to know" is a very dangerous one. I don't see where it stops. Contrary to bryanp's opinion, it is not the case that "anyone would want to know". Some people prefer very much to keep their eyes closed. And just think...if the fiancee REALLY wanted to know, she could do the PI work from her own side. If she's never even considered that her fiance might be having something on the side, and put two and two together, then why would you be the one to force her to face a reality she is not seeking? And let's be real...it's not true that the OW always brings pure truth to the BS. She may bring her own flavor of self-serving confusion and prevarication to the BS, adding a layer of unnecessary pain.
LoveNoLoss Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 agree that the orignal poster's motives may be self driven but either way, I still think the girl should know. She may or may not know what a pig he is but why not give her the chance to make that choice knowing the truth? The fact that the finace will be pissed at the original poster is actually secondary. Yeah, she will be pissed but then she will process the information and within time, she can make a choice to stay or leave. Someone said on here that it would be good to let this woman know before they have children. I couldn't agree more with this statement!!!!!!!!!! Think of all the heartache that can come out of this. I am talking about years down the road when this woman has invested years into this man. Come on people.... let's really think about this. I don't care how this woman finds out... as long as she does. She may chose to stay and she is doing so at her own risk but I think she should be given the chance to jump ship. As for the original poster, you slept with him up until a month ago.... while you may have had a change of heart once you saw the ring, I do believe you need to think about what you have been doing. You have been participating in this woman's unknown disaster. Do you know how hurtful it is to sleep with another woman's man??? You say you have been cheated on before but honestly, if you carried that lesson, you would have not slept with this man because you would remember how hurtful it was to you. Case in point. I have a girlfriend's boyfriend that has been relentless in trying to get me into bed. This has been going on for weeks. Would I sleep with him? Hell no, I wouldn't do that to her. I remember all to well what it's like to be the betrayed wife. Should I tell her what he has been up to??
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 Case in point. I have a girlfriend's boyfriend that has been relentless in trying to get me into bed. This has been going on for weeks. Would I sleep with him? Hell no, I wouldn't do that to her. I remember all to well what it's like to be the betrayed wife. Should I tell her what he has been up to?? H*ll yes…in your case I would say something. That is if you're a true "friend." If you haven't slept with him, then you're not enabling the betrayal of your pal. To say nothing at this point and allow it to continue unchecked means that you're encouraging it. Unless of course, you enjoy the attention and want to see your "buddy" bamboozled by this clown. Two VERY different situations. In your case, now IS the appropriate time to say something. And I would do it in front of him unless there's something you're afraid he'll tell his girlfriend about you. If you handled it well and your nose is clean, what's there to worry about?
Author herpesita24 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Posted August 11, 2005 Hi everyone, Thanks again for continuning to help me with this dilemma. I really appreciate all of your comments. I just want to clarify something, disagree as you may. Yes, I did sleep with him in July, but it was once and only once, not sleeping with him up until I found out about the ring. The last time I had slept with him prior to that was March or February. I don't remember the exact date but I went for a physical in March and got tested for EVERYTHING when I cut the physical relationship off. I didn't get tested and then decide to stop sleeping with him. I stopped sleeping with him and then decided to get tested. It was long before there was any question of them being engaged. It was however when I realized as LoveNoLoss said, that I was participating in someone else's destruction. After that point point I stopped calling him stopped making any effort. Any contact that was initiated between us was from him. Almost weekly I'd get a text from him "want to play" or a drunk dial at 2 a.m. All of which I ignored. I know there is no excuse for anything that I've done I take full responsiblity for my actions. The July incident was to make myself feel better and I know I shouldn't have. I am very remorseful and praying for God's forgiveness every night. We all make mistakes and sometimes it is hard to be the stronger person. When I met him I was vulnerable and he was a distraction and yes it was wrong. All of you can point your finger and make me feel like a whore for what I did, but none of you can be harder on me than I am on myself. I know it was wrong and I'm sorry. Also I too am thinking long term. All winter I have wanted to tell her, I just found out about the engagement 3 weeks ago. I just don't know how to do it. If I could do it anonomously, trust me, I would have done it a long time ago. If I were the friend of LoveNoLoss who's boyfriend was trying to get in my pants, I'd be calling her up faster than he could beg me not to. But I don't know this girl and although we have mutual contacts, I do not know anyone that could approach her on this. Trust me, I've tried to find someone. My girlfriend that just got divorced because her husband was cheating would have been very thankful for having this information prior to ten years of marriage and two kids. His infidelity didn't come until much later, but to be entering into a marriage, blindsided by the fact that her husband to be is, what did one say, a serial cheater, is just wrong. He already has one daughter with who he shares custody with, there's rumors of another child and this girl is going to have more babies with him? I know that it takes two and yes, I was a contributing factor to his cheating but if it's not me it's going to be someone else. I am the third person that he's at least told me about that he's cheated on her with. One of the others was as long and intense as ours, the other was one of her friends... in a car... while she was sleeping! He's a pig. But is it really my decision? No one can really decide and who has the right to decide someone elses fate? All of you are right, presumably this girl is going to be devasted, and very pissed at me. That's fine, I take her revolt of me standing up straight. I deserve it. There really is no right or wrong answer is there? Those that have been cheated on would want to know. Those that haven't or have cheated themselves wouldn't want to know. We are all by nature created with unique opinions. My gut instinct tells me I should tell her, woman to woman. If not tell her, have her somehow find out. But my rational side says, let her figure it out on her own, we all have to learn from our own mistakes. I've learned from mine. This whole situation sucks.
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 I absolutely believe that you had no idea that this guy was engaged until you saw the ring. But knowing he was a cheater, when you hooked up a few weeks ago did you even 'ask' if he was still with his girlfriend before having sex with him? ... Or didn't you care to know?? Did seeing that ring really make that big of a difference to you? I'm not trying to bust your chops, but remember...these may very well be the kinds of questions she'll want to ask you.
Author herpesita24 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Posted August 11, 2005 When I slept with him in July I didn't know he was engaged. It was about 2 weeks after that I found out. He clearly was engaged when he came over and he made no mention of it to me. I didn't need to ask if he was still with her, I knew they were still living together. Sadly, I have to drive by their house to get to and from anywhere.
Author herpesita24 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Posted August 11, 2005 I don't think I really answered what you asked. I guess I cared, but I was thinking more of myself that night than of her. We all know old habits die hard. As soon as I realized that he wasn't leaving and that he was a compulsive cheater, I heeded everyone's advice and walked away from it. I was stupid and I went back for one more thrill. I know there is no excuse for it. The bottom line is that the sex with him was unbelievable and I was feeling loney. I'm a piece of suck for doing it, this I know. I'd be happy to answer any questions she has for me and in fact wish I could have the opportunity to point out all of the things he did behind her back to open her eyes. Another concern I have though, is how will she react. Not to me, but in general. Every person has a different emotional stability and who knows what she'll do. I just wish there were some way I could find out if and what she knows and if she doesn't know, whether or not she'd want to know. I dont want to tell her to be malicious, and if she didn't want to know, I'd keep my mouth shut. The "telling her" doesn't have to be from me, I actually wouldn't derive pleasure from that, but rather would be so scared to that I'd prefer it to come from somewhere else. The "telling her" is more of my concern that she should be aware of what he does behind her back.
TUDOR Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 Some men are only as faithful as their options, sad but true. Now that you know they are engaged you need to get out of the picture and stay out. Should you tell the soon to be wife, I think not. You seem to be the other half the problem for this soon to be wife and if you will just remove yourself from the equation then they may go on to be a great couple. Debster had a good point early on, in an industry where you mingle with a similar group as this soon to be wife telling her will most certainly cause big problems for you. Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned....don't think she won't direct some of that your way and try to settle the score. You need to move on and not look back and give them a chance to work things out on their own. If his ways don't change she will find out soon enough. But if this fling of yours meant nothing to you and was just a fun for now, then why go ruin this girls life over it. You may have just been his last fling and maybe he will commit himself to his marriage, no one knows. But better to give him the chance to do the right thing than to take away any chance of him doing it right and hurting a lot of people involved. I love when the people that contribute to the problem suddenly think they can make it right by making it worse! Swallow your guilt and move on.
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 I didn't need to ask if he was still with her, I knew they were still living together. Sadly, I have to drive by their house to get to and from anywhere. Shoot. If you had told me that he lied to you and said they were no longer together…I'd have said there was your validation. I could absolutely see you being angry about that. But Long-term, live-in girlfriend…fiancé…the jewelry on her finger should have made no difference if you truly sympathized with the well-being of this lady. The problem is…you're going to look like the scorned lover. Your confession will look more like an act of spite rather than a sincere gesture of remorse. She may end the engagement…OR…he'll convince her that you're just some fatal attraction and that you're only trying to break them up because you're jealous. Knowing you're far from being 'over' him (you were together only last month) she may decide to forgive that jerk and stay with him just so you can't have him. I don't know if you're going to get any kind of satisfaction out of this at all. You may even find yourself even more resentful about the situation than you are now. But if you must…be prepared in the very likely event that this doesn't play out exactly as you hope. It could get a lot worse for you before it gets better. Sadly, I have to drive by their house to get to and from anywhere. I know. Which is why I'm convinced that you are not completely "over" him and done with this chapter in your life. If you were…you would have already put it behind you and moved on. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Author herpesita24 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Posted August 11, 2005 You're all right. I think when I first posted I did so because I was seriously plotting ways in which I could tell her. A couple of days later the rationale has changed. I personally don't want to tell her but there is this deep sense that she should be aware. It's not my relationship and it's not my business. I've been angry with him for many months, not because he didn't love me and not because he didn't leave her for me, but because of how he disrespects her, continuously. As another female I wouldn't stand for it. If I were not the OW I would walk right up to her and tell her what he does. But since I am the OW I cannot without all of the reasons you have all pointed out. If it has affected me this much imagine how it will affct her when she does find out, and sooner or later she'll find out, they always do. Hopefully now he will just leave me alone. He is persistent and doesn't accept my avoidance. If I don't answer the phone, he still keeps calling. If I don't respond to the texts, he still sends them. Then he gets upset and comes over... I have a state trooper that lives 5 doors away and yet it doesn't matter. I've caught him driving by just to see if I'm home and if I have company. So far there has been no contact since Saturday, but he also told me he broke his phone when he was there that day. If he does attempt to again I will make it clear that if he doesn't leave me alone I will tell her. I have a feeling though, now that he knows I know, he won't be around anymore. All of these posts have made me realize what a disgusting "love triangle" I have brought about. We learn and grow with every experience. I am repulsed by myself and him for our actions. Thank you all so much for putting it in perspective for me. It is very unfortunate for her that she is going to marry someone such as him. He may stop once they are married, but the fact he did it is what really matters. Although I doubt he'll be faitful till the end. I am not saint either. It was my first time being unfaithful. It was my first time being the OW. It will never happen again. We both asked for this and now we must move on. We both deserve whatever punishment God decides to serve us with. I will let nature take it's course. -CR
TUDOR Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 Don't be so hard on yourself and just move forward with what you have learned. Karma's a bitch and if he doesn't change his ways it will come back to him very soon! If he does persist in contacting you and trying to still have his cake and and eat it too, then I would set him straight and let him know he can either do the right thing and do right by his soon to be wife and leave you alone OR you will be forced to tell the wife all about you and he. I think that will get the point across! Best of luck!
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