Spouse Wants Benefits Of Life Without Assisting

[xenawarriorprincess]

I think that most people might disagree with my line of thinking, but that’s totally fine, this is the way I see it:

 

If I were single would I need to work? Yes, so being annoyed that I have to work has nothing to do with my husband.

 

If I were single would I clean the house? Yes, I personally like living in a tidy home so being annoyed with him about cleaning the house doesn’t make much sense since I would clean it on my own if I were single.

 

Would I cook dinner? Yes, I enjoy cooking and I like to try various recipes, so adding extra pasta or another piece of chicken breast isn’t that big of a difference and being annoyed that I have to cook doesn’t seem fair since I would cook for myself anyway.

 

The point isn’t to suggest that he should be allowed to get away without helping out at all! Especially if your plan was to attend to all chores 50/50. I just think that anything that I want done has to do with my needs or desires, and therefore I shouldn’t necessarily become irritated if he doesn’t share those same needs or desires for a clean home, etc.

 

There are things that my husband cares about that I don’t. For example, he likes to have clean/smudge free laptop screens, tv screens, phone screens. To be honest, it just doesn’t bother me if my laptop screen has a few smudges on it, so my husband takes it upon himself to clean every screen in the house as that’s not something I do. Rather than get upset with me about why I don’t do it, he just takes care of it because that’s a desire that he has and so he takes it upon himself to take care of it and he leaves me out it.

 

Your husband didn’t want to train his dog himself, so he got rid of it. Well….that’s one problem he found a solution to and now you are relieved of attending to that duty. Also, a grown man can surely buy his own clothing, why did you take on that responsibility?

[preraph]

^ yeah, but not if he's a pig and you're not. You just end up cleaning up after him if he never lifts a finger and all he does is mess the place up. I put off cleaning by 1) not messing the house up and 2) hiring a maid when it is going downhill.

[usa1ah]

My spouse wanted a typical life with a wife, house, and kids. A little sooner than I wanted, but his life plan sounded good. When we got married we agreed on doing everything in our life as 50/50 as possible, a partnership.

 

Now that we're married my spouse says he didn't realize how hard everything would be. In our household I was remodeling the house (physically by myself), doing the yard work, running errands, cooking, cleaning, planning events, buying his clothes, initiating sex, training his dog, etc. I also have a career job and am in school. I couldn't do it anymore, I wasn't getting enough sleep at night to function well.

 

2 years ago I tried sitting him down and asking for help, he did start doing the dishes. 1 year ago I hit my limit and stopped doing *everything*. Now the yard is dying, he got rid of the dog, we don't have sex, we don't do anything outside of the house, etc.

 

What do we do? I'm too tired to do it all myself. He says the work is too hard and I should accept what he can do.

 

Kick the lazy bum out until he learns to stand on his own.

[Els]

I think that most people might disagree with my line of thinking, but that’s totally fine, this is the way I see it:

 

If I were single would I need to work? Yes, so being annoyed that I have to work has nothing to do with my husband.

 

If I were single would I clean the house? Yes, I personally like living in a tidy home so being annoyed with him about cleaning the house doesn’t make much sense since I would clean it on my own if I were single.

 

Would I cook dinner? Yes, I enjoy cooking and I like to try various recipes, so adding extra pasta or another piece of chicken breast isn’t that big of a difference and being annoyed that I have to cook doesn’t seem fair since I would cook for myself anyway.

 

The point isn’t to suggest that he should be allowed to get away without helping out at all! Especially if your plan was to attend to all chores 50/50. I just think that anything that I want done has to do with my needs or desires, and therefore I shouldn’t necessarily become irritated if he doesn’t share those same needs or desires for a clean home, etc.

 

There are things that my husband cares about that I don’t. For example, he likes to have clean/smudge free laptop screens, tv screens, phone screens. To be honest, it just doesn’t bother me if my laptop screen has a few smudges on it, so my husband takes it upon himself to clean every screen in the house as that’s not something I do. Rather than get upset with me about why I don’t do it, he just takes care of it because that’s a desire that he has and so he takes it upon himself to take care of it and he leaves me out it.

 

Your husband didn’t want to train his dog himself, so he got rid of it. Well….that’s one problem he found a solution to and now you are relieved of attending to that duty. Also, a grown man can surely buy his own clothing, why did you take on that responsibility?

 

I agree with you to an extent - as I said, I do think the OP is piling on too much unnecessary "work".

 

But that being said, there are minimum standards that a house needs to be kept to, reasonably. If I say "I don't care about having clean dishes", does that actually give me the right to leave my dishes in the sink for 1 week? 2 weeks? 1 month? I mean, I could just leave them in the sink forever and use paper stuff when the dishes run out, right? Then "if my partner cares, he can just wash them, otherwise they can sit in there". Where does it stop?

 

Also, while theoretically speaking cleaning for 2 or cooking for 2 doesn't "seem" like such a big difference, after some time you will really notice the additional time piling up. In fact, I can say quite confidently that cleaning for 2 takes quite a bit more time and effort than cleaning for 1. I don't actually mind cleaning for 2 since there are other things my SO does for both of us, so it balances out, but I would never say that "I would still clean if I were single, so it doesn't take any additional effort".