Stepped Back...Only To Leap Forward

[At Peace]

To all us who had committed to NC, here is a lesson to learn when breaking it. Yes, I had done it but I recently saw my ex again...and to make a long story short...I felt attracted to him still and thought I can handled being around him. You can guess the rest. One thing lead to another, and we got physical. In my mind I was like "wow, this is like old times. Great." Well, after the sex, feeling a sense of glow being with him, I began to see the tell tale signs that certain things had not changed. Flashes of his anger and sarcasm, veiled behind jokes, little critical jabs about my weight, I'm 123lbs and to him that's fat. Dropping hints that he had been with a girl before who weighed 102. I just looked at him. He feigns ignorance and says "oh there you go again getting worked up over nothing." After I returned home I caught myself getting bent out of shape trying to understand why did he say this and why is he so insensitive and THEN I stopped myself. No I was responsible for allowing "chaos" to happen. And I am not and cannot go back on that treadmill. I've been doing alot of thinking and reflecting and growing and simply put. Just because I changed didn't mean he did. Yes I was undeniably still drawn to his outer appearance good looking guy, but inwardly instead wearing myself out wondering why did he do this and that...and say this and that...it's like I accept He is who he is. Period. Expecting him to change because I did was my lack of awareness. And the result was the exactly what happened. I learned from this. It was disappointing but I needed to learn that lesson. So To those doing the NC, some may slip and call their ex or make contact and get back, but do so with the understanding that you have changed. Just by writing on this forum has been a relief and help. AND no matter the outcome...we have grown. We are not victims sobbing and wrenching from the pains of our initial breakups. We can look back at these relationships with clarity.