very-confused-girl Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Hi everybody, I have been in a very happy relationship for two years now. I am 23 years old european girl and have 36 years old australian boyfriend who lives in my country with me. He is a perfect partner for life, he can always spot if there is something wrong with me, is very sensitive and extremely affectionate but still is a man. We are in touch everyday and when he went to visit his family to Australia for two months in the beginning of this year (I could not go with him since I had exams at my university), he called me every day, sent postcards etc. Finally, when I finished my exams I still had 2 weeks of no-school time before my next semester started, so he wanted to buy me a ticket to Australia to go there and meet his parents and he basically wanted to show me Australia, the place he comes from. I found it a bit of a waste of money for him to buy me a ticket if I was going to stay there only for a two weeks and then I had to go back to my school – Australia is a big country and it definitely needs to allocate more time to explore it, so we decided to meet in Bangkok instead and we spent amazing two week holidays in Thailand. He literally lives with me and my parents because initially he had an appartment in my town but decided to sell it and now he is reconstructing a house 50 km far from my town for us to live in. In the meantime he stays in my parents place with me (sleeps over there every day) because his house is not liveable yet. He tells me 5 times a day (I dont exaggrerate here!!) that he loves me and it never sounds like cliche. He is very helpful and on the whole I really cant complain except for one thing. He is still in touch with his exgirlfriend – Kate. They have been together for 8 years and they have been friends since then (which is for another 6 years now). That means they have known each other for 14 years. She has the same nationality as me and because for him it is still a bit hard to live and work in a different country than Australia, she has helped him during these years lots of times (before he met me). I would not feel any worries about them being friends, but Kate is quite jealous of me. She did twice such an upleasant thing that she came to his appartment while we were together. I am talking about the appartment he lived in before he moved in with me. Once she came to his appartment to tell him something (she was helping him to find a good location for house that he wanted to build) and suddenly when she saw me leaving his appartment(we met just in the door), she started to cry. She did not expect me to be there. She obviously cant stand the physical evidence of me and Peter being together, which is for example seing me physically in his appartment. Next time she came at 3 o clock in the night without any reason. I forgot to say that she is VERY emotionally unstable and controlling person which is the reason why Peter left her. She has hard time dealing with us being together, especially when she sees that we are very serious together. Anytime Peter and her went to a cafe´s, he was telling her how happy we are together, how caring and loving I am and she started being upset about hearing about me all the time, so obviously he is not discussing me with her anymore I wanted Peter to stop talking to her. I had the believe that when somebody is against us being together, he should protect our relationship and say „back off“ to the person and stop talking to her no matter how much she helped him in life. He disagrees with me. First of all he is a very nice person and cant really say f**k off to somebody and he explained to me that they have known each other for 14 years and they have become almost like a brother and sister and he has not have the same strong bond with anybody else since then (We are getting there, but we have been together only for two years and for him it is still a very early stage of a relationship because he is very carefull and serious type of a person. He got heartbroken by one girl he had been with before he met me – not Kate but, so he is very carefull when it comes to considering somebody as serious relationship). I said that I have the believe once he wants to hang out with a person he was once intimate with, I should be invited along, or at least being officially introduced to her. (I met her, but not in a very nice conditions). He says he is going to do it (introducing me to her) once he feels she is able to accept the fact we are together. So at the moment he is very respectfull of her feelings, but I feel like I am kind of hidden. Why should he really respect her feelings? He claims that he had 4 girlfriends from the time he broke up with Kate ( I am the 5th one) and she had troubles dealing with all of them. It is not really like she still wants him, it is more like she suddenly feels worried that he would not need her in his life and she thinks that I am going to steal him from her completely (even as a friend). I dont plan to steal him but I just have hard time dealing with having an experienced boyfriend who has been in long-term relationships and still stays friend with ex. I know I cant stop him from seeing her, I know myself how resentfull I would get if Peter was stopping me from seeing my friends that I have known for 15 years, but because Peter and Kate have been intimate once, I feel insecure about them being friends. Please give me some advice how to deal with it. Thank you so much!
EC Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Omg I know exactly what you are going through!!! My bf's first love moved back down to our town and looked my bf up online and found his house number and called him up last night. I mean he was obsessed with this girl and the only reason it didnt work out was because she lived to far so they just let it go. But he still has all her pictures and every e-mail she ever sent him. We are perfect now and she calls. He wants me to meet her and hang out because he says he really wants to see her again to catch up. I couldn't sleep last night. I know our cases are not exactly the same but I understand what you are going through. I'm curious to see what other people respond!
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 I'm curious to see what other people respond! You know I'M on it! It is not unusual for the ex-lover-turned-platonic-friend to become jealous and resentful as soon as their buddy's attentions become focused on someone else. And I don't care how gender bias this sounds - but this is especially true among females. Sorry ladies, but you know me…gotta call it like I see it whether I'm right or wrong. If these were newly budding relationships…my advice would be to hold your ground and not feel threatened by another woman's jealous remarks and desperate pleas for attention. Never, ever give her or your boyfriend the idea that you're willing to compete for his time and affections. It only inflates his ego and gives her more reason to deem you the 'adversary' and dig her heals (and claws) in deeper. Usually in time, as the relationship progresses, most guys (and gals) realize when their platonic buddy's motives aren't on the up and up. A few insulting jabs at your new partner is usually enough for most people to end that friendship pronto…or at least put their buddy in their place. That is, of course, if they have any iota of respect or concern for their partner's feelings. After two years, VCG, your boyfriend should have outgrown this girl by now. Or at the very least, acknowledged the fact that she's trying to compete with you rather than welcoming your presence in his life. The last thing either of these guys should be doing at this point is encouraging a friendship between you and their clingy exs. These girls ARE NOT interested in becoming your friends anymore than you're interested in becoming theirs. Do not pretend to be nice or accepting of their underhanded motives simply to placate your boyfriends' egos or to appear secure. Screw that! These girls are opportunists and you should treat them as such. That doesn't mean getting nasty…that means treat them as if they're unimportant and insignificant to you. Let them whine, cry, stomp and protest your relationship all they want. You keep your head held high while they make pathetic fools of themselves. Meanwhile, if it were me, I wouldn't bite my tongue forever waiting for my boyfriend to take the appropriate action. Nor would I insist that he do the right thing. Don't even give him an ultimatum. He has to grow up enough to make that choice on his own. However, if and when you start getting tired of all this ex-girlfriend mollycoddling, you need to EXIT…and do it quick and clean. He won't even need to ask you "why"…cause you can bet he already has a clue whether he wants to admit it or not. I guarantee, neither of these male attention hos would accept this kind of blatant interference from any of your ex boyfriends. I can't believe it. You two ladies are way too beautiful to have to tolerate this crap from anyone. If your boyfriends don't appreciate what they have, I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who would jump the chance to take their place. And don't you ever doubt that even for a second!
mental_traveller Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 I'm on the other side of this kind of situation - I had a 4 year relationship with an ex, and wanted to stay friends afterwards (since she is generally a very nice person, but we just had too many differences to stay together permanently). I made it clear I didn't want to get back again, she agreed and we decided to stay on friendly terms. This worked well except when I would start dating someone, then my ex became jealous and generally irritating to talk with. Eventually I realised that by staying friends and being nice to her, she misinterpreted this as me still potentially being interested. Even though I made clear that I wasn't, she still harboured hopes and because of this she distorted "friendly" signals as "romantically interested" ones - she then got upset when these hopes were dashed. Like your bf, I didn't want to completely cut off contact, because my ex is generally a very nice person and we did have a good relationship in many ways, but eventually I had to be pretty harsh for her to get the message that it was over. Even though I said so many times, politely, she didn't really accept it (even though she said she did) until I sent her a pretty blunt email and threatened to cut off all contact unless she sincerely promised never to give me any crap again. Your situation might not be exactly the same, but I get the feeling that his ex at least harbours some feelings there. She might not want to get back, but she definitely wants him in her life, and she wouldn't be human if she didn't feel some jealousy at how well things are going between you two. When you still care about someone, even if you accept intellectually that the relationship is over, your heart may not agree - and so you will still get pangs of jealousy, still look for signs in what the other person says and does (to fit your unrealistic hope that they are still interested), and so on. I think it's quite reasonable to be bothered by this. If the ex was just acting like any other friend i.e. popping round to say hi sometimes, being polite with you etc, then you could safely conclude that they are well and truly over, and that both are just friends and no romantic feelings remain. But her behaviour indicates that she is not "just a friend" - rather she is an ex who is still hanging on to some extent. In some ways it's like a brother or sister who gets jealous. In either case, I think you have every right to get him to change their relationship so that it no longer bothers you. At some point you might have to do what I did and lay down an ultimatum - either he straightens out his relationship with her, and you all act civilly, or he cuts her out of his life. If you force him to choose between you and her, then you will find where his real feelings lie. At the moment you are just accepting his decision here - perhaps it's time to stand up for your own feelings instead. You don't have to go in all guns blazing right now, but just make it clear how much this bothers you, and say that you and him have to work something out or the situation will become intolerable for you. If he accepts your position and is prepared to compromise somewhat, then that's good. But if he doesn't, then you may have to step up the pressure a bit and force him to change - or accept the situation as it currently is. For what it's worth, I finally gave the ultimatum to my ex after I had met someone I really liked, and her behaviour threatened to interfere with that. I put myself in my current gfs shoes and thought I would dislike it too if an ex of my partner was still interfering in that way. And I am not by any means a pushover when it comes to compromising - I just think it's a simple matter of respect for the other person. So try to explain this to your bf, that if he respects you then he will do whatever is necessary to stop his ex's behaviour from bothering you. If he doesn't, then you have some serious questions to ask yourself.
Opium Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 After two years, VCG, your boyfriend should have outgrown this girl by now. Or at the very least, acknowledged the fact that she's trying to compete with you rather than welcoming your presence in his life. The last thing either of these guys should be doing at this point is encouraging a friendship between you and their clingy exs. These girls ARE NOT interested in becoming your friends anymore than you're interested in becoming theirs. Do not pretend to be nice or accepting of their underhanded motives simply to placate your boyfriends' egos or to appear secure. Screw that! These girls are opportunists and you should treat them as such. That doesn't mean getting nasty…that means treat them as if they're unimportant and insignificant to you. Let them whine, cry, stomp and protest your relationship all they want. You keep your head held high while they make pathetic fools of themselves. Exactly! They think nothing of it because their not the ones in the uncomfortable situation. He's basically saying this girl is still worth my time and energy. How do you expect an ex to act when the one she cares about is with another woman? It's hard to say what exactly you should do because every person handles situations differently but I wouldn't make it easy for them to see each other. As a matter of fact why is this girl still in his life? Your his gf, best friend, lover and you should be the one he goes to when he's down. He doesn't need another woman, especially an ex to make him feel better and have a friend to lean on. I'm not saying he has feelings for her but theirs still something their holding them together. That doesn't mean getting nasty…that means treat them as if they're unimportant and insignificant to you. I agree with you here too. I wouldn't make it seem as if she's getting to you. Act the bigger woman and you'll see the respond you'll get. If you make her a threat, she'll be a threat. He's sleeping with you, isn't he?!
upsetnhurt Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Don't be so sure he is only sleeping with her Opium. This excuse of their ex's being nice and all is BS. There has to be something in it for this guy not to be willing to end it with the ex as it is noticeably affecting his current gf. I am not so sure whenther he still harbors some internal feelings for her, just doesn't want to cut the cord yet as deep down there is still some hope for reconciliation down the road or he is currently involved physically with her in addition to his gf....yet it has to be more than simply his ex being a nice person he has known for years. I think he is nuts as you all seem like beautifal people yet this just should show you his immaturity in handling relationships..............at the very least you better reflect on his actions and know that after two years you both are still in the very early stages of a relationship...one where that person does not give all his respect to the other.
Opium Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Don't be so sure he is only sleeping with her Opium. This excuse of their ex's being nice and all is BS. Well I don't want to say something that isn't true. So I'm assuming since their bf and gf they sleep together and that they are faithful bf. I don't want to call anyone a cheater if I don't have proof or the OP has proof that they are sleeping together. That's a little extreme! Emotionally connected maybe, but I'm not going to jump into conclusions and freak these girls out and give them a sense of insecurities with their bf. It's hard enough that their bf's don't respect the fact that an ex is an ex for a reason and their shouldn't be a friendship especially if the girl still has strong feelings for the guy.
BeachQueen Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Ouch. Situations like these are always awkward. I hate the "best friends" that secretly want to be more than that with your significant other, or the ex that your boyfriend/girlfriend can't let go of (whether it's physically or emotionally), or worse the psycho ex. I think that after two years together, your boyfriend should have a deep sense of respect and love for you and should try his hardest not to do anything to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable at all. This ex obviously makes you uncomfortable and since he refuses to give her up b/c he's too "nice" (sorry VCG, but I'm going to have to jump on the "He Might Be Sleeping With Her" bandwagon), then he never really cared about you in the first place. If I were dating someone (especially for two years) and they felt uncomfortable about someone in my life (excluding a sane family member), I would probably drop that person immediately b/c I love and respect my partner too much. Maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend. Maybe he's not as wonderful and understanding as you think. Good luck!
dnm1010 Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 sometimes guys just dont want to deal with the drama of cutting ties with an ex for an ex.. i went through the same thing with my guy... but what made it easier for his is for me to confront the girl and tell her we dont want a rship.. but in my case they werent good friends or anything she was just obsessed with him... and disrespected me... its differnt than your situation but you need to tell him how you feel especially if you want to get married or wht not and suddenly his ex might be invited to the wedding and eventually might freak out at the wedding or if she ever sees you and your kids etc... just good to cut the drama out of your life early so you dont have to deal with it later.. i know i m thinking ahead but i tend to do that. good luick.
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