lancev Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 This is a long distance relationship There was a mutual friend we had who was the only person aware of our relationship. I was friends wth this person, J, for a few months. I had shared sensitive information with him about my gf. One day, my gf was upset about something and told him about it. He proceeded to completely expose me and tell her everything i've said in private. She was hurt and angry and confronted me about it. We settled the issue. However, I noticed that during our calls, she'd be typing constantly. Like she was talking to someone. Note this is the kind of girl who barely talks to anyone. She only talks to me most of the time and I am generally aware of who she talks to, and she doesn't talk to them that often. She's just like that. Well, she was typing CONSTANTLY. Like as if she was paying attention to our call and her convo with whoever she was sending messages to equally. Turns out, she was talking to J. They were talking constantly. We called every night, and on this night she didn't reply to me for 30m around the time we usually call (which she never does) and we ended up calling much later than usual. She said she was talking to people, and J was one of those people. That night I told her I didn't really like how she was talking to him so much. She said okay she'll talk to him less. She talked about how she only views him as a friend and that she doesn't know how to make me think otherwise. She insisted that she didn't view him in "that" way. She said she liked him and thought he was a good person. Mainly for the expose he did. She said the reason she was talking to him so much was because she related to him. She didn't talk to him for a day. The day after that though her keyboard was lighting up again and she admitted she was talking to him again. I got annoyed. I left the call because I had to do something so I left her a heart but she didn't send one back. Now that last piece of info might not have any relevance but it's just what happened. When I came back to the call, she was STILL hammering away on her keyboard talking to the kid. At this point I had enough and told her it makes me feel like ****. She immediately offered to stop talking to him. She sent him a message saying that I don't like that they talk, and they stopped. Since then, they haven't talked much. She claims he hasn't tried to contact her. I believe her because she hasn't hammered away on her keyboard in a while. However, I never found out the "way" they talked to eachother. I never knew if they were flirting or just talking platonically. Never saw their conversations. I always could, and ask for her password, but I think that'd be an invasion of her privacy and she would probably think I don't trust her. I don't think that'd be a good move, but it would reveal more information. As of current, we've completely moved on from this situation. She no longer talks to him and he's out of the way for now. What's your view on this entire situation? Was it handled appropriately, and what is the truth? What's your opinion on it? All opinions are appreciated.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 It's impossible for you to control who she talks to in this current set up of your relationship. Do you have any plans to take this relationship from long distance to "real life?" Have you ever met in person? How old are you?
Author lancev Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 It's impossible for you to control who she talks to in this current set up of your relationship. Do you have any plans to take this relationship from long distance to "real life?" Have you ever met in person? How old are you? Have you ever met this girl in person? We have never met, but we have very strong feelings for one another and do plan on meeting.
d0nnivain Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 She is free to talk to whomever she wants. If you have never met, you only have part of a relationship; you can't truly know somebody until you meet. It's hard in an LDR because communication is all you have When she is giving the same amount of attention to another that she gives you, it's upsetting because you know longer feel special Still you better face the fact that you are not her only long distance friend. 2
Author lancev Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 She is free to talk to whomever she wants. If you have never met, you only have part of a relationship; you can't truly know somebody until you meet. It's hard in an LDR because communication is all you have When she is giving the same amount of attention to another that she gives you, it's upsetting because you know longer feel special Still you better face the fact that you are not her only long distance friend. I disagree with your first statement. We know eachother very well. I have faced the fact that i'm not her only long distance friend, it's just that this situation was an obvious special case. Would you seriously have no issue with your S.O. talking to someone as much as they talk to you? To the point where they start acting differently towards you?
Miss Spider Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 my opinion will not gain me any favor, but I'd say none of this is even real until you meet. I get your feelings are real, but it's not possible, nor should you attempt to, manage/sustain an exclusive virtual rship with someone you've never even met before. She could be a completely different person with a completely different life than what she claims. She could typing to(and quite certainly is)several different men. There's no way to manage what someone is doing behind a phone or computer screen hundreds if not thousands miles away, so I would just give up on that. 6
Miss Spider Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 (edited) I disagree with your first statement. We know eachother very well. I have faced the fact that i'm not her only long distance friend, it's just that this situation was an obvious special case. Would you seriously have no issue with your S.O. talking to someone as much as they talk to you? To the point where they start acting differently towards you? This is a 'relationship' exclusively based on faith and trust and the trust has been broken. Edited August 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Author lancev Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 This is a 'relationship' exclusively based on faith and trust and the trust has been broken. The trust has not been broken. The fact that she stopped talking to him made me trust her more.
CryForNoOne Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 The trust has not been broken. The fact that she stopped talking to him made me trust her more. Then why are you even here posting the question? 2
Miss Spider Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 The trust has not been broken. The fact that she stopped talking to him made me trust her more. Then what's the issue here? 2
d0nnivain Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 I disagree with your first statement. We know eachother very well. I have faced the fact that i'm not her only long distance friend, it's just that this situation was an obvious special case. Would you seriously have no issue with your S.O. talking to someone as much as they talk to you? To the point where they start acting differently towards you? When one person in a relationship gives more attention to someone else then their own partner, that is the beginning of the end. Of course I'd have a problem with it but you can't solve the problem by demanding that they stop all contact with the other person. All you can do is ask & then end things when your SO doesn't give up the behavior that is hurting you. I agree with the others who as asking what you are complaining about if she stopped talking to the other guy, J, and you claim that you still trust her. I would try to accelerate when you will have that 1st meet. 1
Author lancev Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 When one person in a relationship gives more attention to someone else then their own partner, that is the beginning of the end. Of course I'd have a problem with it but you can't solve the problem by demanding that they stop all contact with the other person. All you can do is ask & then end things when your SO doesn't give up the behavior that is hurting you. I agree with the others who as asking what you are complaining about if she stopped talking to the other guy, J, and you claim that you still trust her. I would try to accelerate when you will have that 1st meet. I honestly just wanted some opinions. And I did not DEMAND that she stop talking to him, I just said it makes me feel badly and she offered to stop.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 Are you planning to meet this girl in person? 1
MJJean Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 I couldn't seriously call someone I've literally never met a SO nor could I claim to know someone that I've never met. The reality is that neither of you actually know the other. Hell, without having met you two can't even say you're physically attracted to each other as that is a chemical reaction that can only be gauged in person. This relationship is all in your head unless/until you've spent some real time together and gotten to know each other in reality. She has no real obligation to you nor you to her. 3
rushed Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 Who was friends with J first? Where does he live?
smackie9 Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 I understand that it is a matter of opinion of the status of your relationship is. To you, you are exclusive and committed to each other for which you both agreed upon. All you did was set a boundary and she complied, simple enough. IMO you both need to be more open and discuss in a more thorough manner what the boundaries and expectations are. She might think you don't want J to be involved anymore, but what about others? No one is stupid here, when a guy is paying attention to yer lady, he has motive because the majority of young fellas do this. I get she can chat with whomever she wants as long as she is more aware of what she is doing, and what said guy is doing, and know when to cut off contact if things get out of hand. J may have had motive, but I don't think she did. J manipulated the situation, and she was oblivious/naive about it like most young girls are. So what their conversations were, I doubt there was anything romantic or worry some for you. She listened, learned, and complied, everything is peachy. Just let it go.
sdraw108 Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 (edited) Hi, This is my first post in many years on here. I felt I should really reply to this as I have relevant experience on one aspect of it - the concept of a relationship with someone you've never met. Apologies that I won't be touching on the main subject of the conversations with J. I've been in the LDR-with-unmet-person situation three times. I can say with complete confidence that until you've met a person, spent time with them, been intimate, seen their mannerisms and behaviors in person, and experienced the myriad of things that just don't come with text and phone calls, then you don't really know them completely. That doesn't mean that you won't experience a strong connection with them after you meet. But you can't know for sure until you do that. In all three of my experiences, I spent months building what felt like a really strong connection. I felt that I really knew them and that we were close. In the first case, I even believed it was "love" (in the subsequent two cases I learnt to understand my own feelings better). After a few months she visited me and on that first day my feelings were totally different. There was no romantic spark, in spite of the fact that we had gotten along so well and shared so much. That spark is such an important factor, and you can't measure it from afar. In the second and third cases it worked out and both turned into long lasting proper relationships. But in both, crucially, the real relationship was different to the pre-meetup relationship. In some ways it was like getting to know the person from scratch even though I already "knew" them. When you've only ever done texting / calls / Skype etc. then the person you think you know is just a mental image you build up in your mind, and it only includes aspects of them that they've chosen to show you. The real person will be different to that mental image in a lot of subtle ways, and you get to see a lot more of the complete picture. Chances are good that it will be different in a good way. But there's also always the chance that it won't be. My tip for this sort of situation is: meet up as soon as you possibly can. Don't delay it unless there is an insurmountable reason (e.g. you simply can't afford that flight). The longer you leave it, the more time and emotion you are investing into something that you don't really understand properly. If they're not right for you, then it's better to find out sooner so you can move on. If they are right for you, then it's better to get something real started with them as soon as possible. Edited August 13, 2017 by sdraw108 1
smackie9 Posted August 14, 2017 Posted August 14, 2017 I agree....with LDRs, it's 20% reality and 80% fantasy.
diddilybop Posted August 14, 2017 Posted August 14, 2017 I agree....with LDRs, it's 20% reality and 80% fantasy. agreed, especially when it's a virtual relationship. people can be a totally different person online than in person. you two could have talked to each other on the phone a crazy amount of times but you'll never know how your true chemistry is until you're interacting with them in person. until then, all you have are these conversations and fantasies of each other built up in your mind. that's not sustainable. when are you planning to meet her? if it's not anytime soon, i say you're kinda wasting your time here. 1
smackie9 Posted August 14, 2017 Posted August 14, 2017 agreed, especially when it's a virtual relationship. people can be a totally different person online than in person. you two could have talked to each other on the phone a crazy amount of times but you'll never know how your true chemistry is until you're interacting with them in person. until then, all you have are these conversations and fantasies of each other built up in your mind. that's not sustainable. when are you planning to meet her? if it's not anytime soon, i say you're kinda wasting your time here. I agree....all you are doing is feeding your disappointment that's going to happen later.
vanhalenfan Posted August 14, 2017 Posted August 14, 2017 (edited) Well, how do you know she isn't talking to him at other times? Surely you aren't sitting on a call 24/7 watching her. And, even if she did give you her password to view whatever platform they are speaking on...You can very well bet she would delete any conversation that was illicit. So going that route is pointless. Edited August 14, 2017 by vanhalenfan 1
Poutrew Posted August 14, 2017 Posted August 14, 2017 You know, I was in the neighborhood Best Buy a few days ago picking up a new SSD for my pc, and the woman the salesman was helping first told him she needed a quieter keyboard because the clacking of the one she was using now could wake the dead... Maybe this is what your 'gf' did...how would you know?
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