Newtoallofthis Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 Hi Started chatting to a guy via OLD at the beginning of July. He initiated contact and the site was more of a relationship orientated OLD site, rather than casual/hook up site. He lives around 3 hours away but I live near a major city he visits for work. We are both separated and on the same kind of time line separation wise. We really clicked and messaged each other daily getting to know each other and met after 2 weeks. Our 1st date was awesome...we got on really well, the evening went by in a flash. I stayed over in his hotel (didn't sleep together but kissed etc). We chatted and both agreed we didn't want to rush into a relationship due to both having come out of marriages but we like each other and were keen to see where this takes us and take it slowly, one step at a time. We continued to message, at least every other day and then we met again last weekend. We had a great day out and stayed over in a hotel (we met half way between where we both live). Didn't sleep together as we'd both drunk too much but were intimate. We messaged each other when home and he said he would like to meet up again. However this week since then the messages have dropped. He last messaged me on Wednesday, I replied the following day and nothing. I know we've only met twice but because of the near daily contact, it's been 6 or 7 weeks of getting to know each other. So now I haven't heard from him in 4 days and I'm not sure what to think. I'm thinking if I don't hear by the end of today I might message again just casually asking how his weekend was. But I just don't know what to make of it? There's absolutely no pressure from me as I'm as keen to take things slowly as he is, but I can't help but wonder if Ive been ghosted? Maybe he's just lost interest? But he really could just say so if thats the case? Or am I over thinking it? He hasnt been on the OLD since we started chatting. Thanks for reading.
d0nnivain Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 After daily contact for him to go 4 days without talking seems odd. I would do what you are thinking about -- send another message on Monday asking about his weekend. Unfortunately, if you don't get a response to that you have to assume he's a cad who has broken things off with you the cowardly way by ghosting. Sorry. 1
Miss Spider Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 I don't think he has any plans to take this seriously based on his behavior and the fact he's 3 hours away but travels through. Surely you can find a guy who interests you who is based closer 1
Author Newtoallofthis Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 I don't think he has any plans to take this seriously based on his behavior and the fact he's 3 hours away but travels through. Surely you can find a guy who interests you who is based closer Yeah I wondered this too. Then I thought that the distance actually kind of suits us both currently, having both been separated only 6 months and just starting to date again. I wouldn't want to jump straight into a serious relationship, however would be open to taking things slowly and seeing where it goes. I just don't know if he's lost interest or not. There would be no issues if he had changed his mind and messaged and said he didn't want to take it any further. Really don't want to be ghosted....
CryForNoOne Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 So how exactly are you taking it slowly if you expect daily contact? Honestly, as a man, the prospect of being texting buddies with someone who is 3 hours away and won't have sex with me doesn't sound very appealing. He was probably interested but something better or closer has come along. I know he said he was fine with just the heavy petting but I suspect that was your idea not his. Unless the guy is still seriously hung up on his soon to be ex-wife (which is an even worse situation then), he would have 100% for sure, without a doubt, slept with you hadn't put out the "taking it slowly" vibe. Most guys will agree to that for a while if they are interested in someone, but it's not surprising to me at all that he's doing the slow fade now... 3
Miss Spider Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 Yeah I wondered this too. Then I thought that the distance actually kind of suits us both currently, having both been separated only 6 months and just starting to date again. I wouldn't want to jump straight into a serious relationship, however would be open to taking things slowly and seeing where it goes. I just don't know if he's lost interest or not. There would be no issues if he had changed his mind and messaged and said he didn't want to take it any further. Really don't want to be ghosted.... Yeah, spare yourself the time and heartache. Just take the message. He's fresh out of the frying pain, in a far city, constantly surrounded by single, attractive women. The chances of his eyes remaining on you only are very slim. You just need to find someone closer and take it slow with them if that's what you need. 2
joseb Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 As he is not long out of a relationship he is probably looking for something casual. You slept with him twice but didn't have sex, in that situation id probably move on too. 2
CryForNoOne Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 As he is not long out of a relationship he is probably looking for something casual. You slept with him twice but didn't have sex, in that situation id probably move on too. Exactly. OP needs to understand that when a guy leaves a LTR, the first thing he wants to do is shag someone else to take his mind off her. Most women are not that way, which is fine, but you're going to set yourself up for disappointment like this if you don't realize men are wired completely differently in that regard...
Author Newtoallofthis Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 So how exactly are you taking it slowly if you expect daily contact? Honestly, as a man, the prospect of being texting buddies with someone who is 3 hours away and won't have sex with me doesn't sound very appealing. He was probably interested but something better or closer has come along. I know he said he was fine with just the heavy petting but I suspect that was your idea not his. Unless the guy is still seriously hung up on his soon to be ex-wife (which is an even worse situation then), he would have 100% for sure, without a doubt, slept with you hadn't put out the "taking it slowly" vibe. Most guys will agree to that for a while if they are interested in someone, but it's not surprising to me at all that he's doing the slow fade now... I'm not expecting daily contact, but it's been like that since we first started chatting 6-7 weeks ago, and it was him setting the tempo. So now I haven't heard from him in 4 days, that's unusual. So I'm trying to figure out if the dynamics have just changed or whether he's lost interest. I wasn't the one that initially said about taking it slow-that was him and I agreed. Do you think it really means keeping his options open? So you think it is the slow fade now? 1
Author Newtoallofthis Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 Yeah, spare yourself the time and heartache. Just take the message. He's fresh out of the frying pain, in a far city, constantly surrounded by single, attractive women. The chances of his eyes remaining on you only are very slim. You just need to find someone closer and take it slow with them if that's what you need. Thanks. Dating is new to me and it's a bit of a minefield. He was the one that initiated contact and was so keen to meet initially. We were literally mid conversation via message though, which is why it's so odd. Just something lighthearted but I just find it odd to stop dead and Ghost, if that is what he's done. All he had to say was 'you know what, this isn't working for me anymore, all the best' and that would have been that.
Author Newtoallofthis Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 Exactly. OP needs to understand that when a guy leaves a LTR, the first thing he wants to do is shag someone else to take his mind off her. Most women are not that way, which is fine, but you're going to set yourself up for disappointment like this if you don't realize men are wired completely differently in that regard... No I do know that, but figured the fact he was on a relationship site rather than a hooking up type site, plus the fact he got in touch with me knowing how far away I lived, perhaps meant he was looking for something more.... It's not like we were exclusive or anything so he can do what he wants, just don't really understand the change of heart with no warning.
CryForNoOne Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 I'm not expecting daily contact, but it's been like that since we first started chatting 6-7 weeks ago, and it was him setting the tempo. So now I haven't heard from him in 4 days, that's unusual. So I'm trying to figure out if the dynamics have just changed or whether he's lost interest. I wasn't the one that initially said about taking it slow-that was him and I agreed. Do you think it really means keeping his options open? So you think it is the slow fade now? From what you describe I'm almost certain of it. Don't take it too personally. The geography itself is a big turnoff for most. It's very typical for most men, not just players, to do a full court press when they are pursuing a women. But the instant, the interest begins to fade, we glance at that text and go "Oh I'll respond later." Then you get caught up in other stuff and you forget about it for a day or two. Then feel bad you didn't respond, but the fact that you forgot it, further reinforces that you've lost interest. It sucks to be on the receiving end, but it's happened to me and I've done it to others. And again, I'm not talking about users or terrible people. This is typical today... 2
Author Newtoallofthis Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 From what you describe I'm almost certain of it. Don't take it too personally. The geography itself is a big turnoff for most. It's very typical for most men, not just players, to do a full court press when they are pursuing a women. But the instant, the interest begins to fade, we glance at that text and go "Oh I'll respond later." Then you get caught up in other stuff and you forget about it for a day or two. Then feel bad you didn't respond, but the fact that you forgot it, further reinforces that you've lost interest. It sucks to be on the receiving end, but it's happened to me and I've done it to others. And again, I'm not talking about users or terrible people. This is typical today... Thanks. My gut tells me he's a decent guy and not a player, but like you say has probably lost interest. Not a problem, I think I just don't like the uncertainty. I guess if it goes much longer without anything from him then the uncertainty has gone! Re: sex, the only reason it didn't happen on our 2nd meeting was because we'd both drunk too much. We'd had a great day out and a bit too much alcohol. It wasn't about taking that side of things slowly, I think he meant he didn't want to rush into a serious relationship again. I'm just debating whether to send that last message asking how his weekend was (haven't chased him at all, my last message on Thursday was a general one replying to questions he'd asked and asking what he'd been up to) or whether just to leave it?
CryForNoOne Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 No I do know that, but figured the fact he was on a relationship site rather than a hooking up type site, plus the fact he got in touch with me knowing how far away I lived, perhaps meant he was looking for something more.... It's not like we were exclusive or anything so he can do what he wants, just don't really understand the change of heart with no warning. I just started using OLD again recently. I was on 5 years ago and it was not exactly easy then (though I eventually got good at it), and now it's even worse. I'm an attractive guy, 6'1, 180, graduated from a top 25 school, yet I have to cast a huge net. I send message after message after message. Slightly less than half reply, then half of those convos go nowhere. Then I get phone numbers from a few, which 5 years ago was a guaranteed date, but not any more. So then half of those ghost after expressing nothing but interest after a dozen cell phone texts (makes me think there are many fake accounts and catfishers). Finally I end up with like 3 dates out of 100 women, with honestly the only criteria is that they are pretty, aren't Trump supporters, and said yes. I'm much more picky IRL because I can be. But online, men are forced to resort to these tactics. So I say all this to put his experience in context with yours. If you were just one of many when he was casting a huge net, he has probably now found someone who is closer or a more suitable match. He did the full court press because he just wanted to meet any woman he found attractive. Don't confuse all that attention for genuine interest in an LTR... 2
Author Newtoallofthis Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 I just started using OLD again recently. I was on 5 years ago and it was not exactly easy then (though I eventually got good at it), and now it's even worse. I'm an attractive guy, 6'1, 180, graduated from a top 25 school, yet I have to cast a huge net. I send message after message after message. Slightly less than half reply, then half of those convos go nowhere. Then I get phone numbers from a few, which 5 years ago was a guaranteed date, but not any more. So then half of those ghost after expressing nothing but interest after a dozen cell phone texts (makes me think there are many fake accounts and catfishers). Finally I end up with like 3 dates out of 100 women, with honestly the only criteria is that they are pretty, aren't Trump supporters, and said yes. I'm much more picky IRL because I can be. But online, men are forced to resort to these tactics. So I say all this to put his experience in context with yours. If you were just one of many when he was casting a huge net, he has probably now found someone who is closer or a more suitable match. He did the full court press because he just wanted to meet any woman he found attractive. Don't confuse all that attention for genuine interest in an LTR... Thanks. It's tough out there, isn't it? I think I'm a little disappointed because I was reeled in by his 'I really like you' messages. I took him saying he wanted to take things slowly as a good sign because he saw potential in a relationship when in hindsight he perhaps was casting his net, like you say. But 6-7 weeks of getting to know each other then just stopping dead is odd to me. Why not just message to say thanks but the distance is too much, bye? The two things I find odd are that he was the one messaging and initiating contact, and regularly. Why bother? And that he hasn't logged on to that site since we got in touch, and said in conversation last weekend that his membership had expired and wasn't going to renew. And our last messages were literally mid conversation and he just never replied! Honestly this OLD is hard!!! 2
CryForNoOne Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 Thanks. It's tough out there, isn't it? I think I'm a little disappointed because I was reeled in by his 'I really like you' messages. I took him saying he wanted to take things slowly as a good sign because he saw potential in a relationship when in hindsight he perhaps was casting his net, like you say. But 6-7 weeks of getting to know each other then just stopping dead is odd to me. Why not just message to say thanks but the distance is too much, bye? The two things I find odd are that he was the one messaging and initiating contact, and regularly. Why bother? And that he hasn't logged on to that site since we got in touch, and said in conversation last weekend that his membership had expired and wasn't going to renew. And our last messages were literally mid conversation and he just never replied! Honestly this OLD is hard!!! Yeah, the 6-7 weeks part seems a little sketchy. But it also sounds like you don't live in a coastal urban area, which means my circumstances may not have relevance. I'm in LA so everything here moves much faster. I probably sleep with about half my first dates. That's not that unusual here. I bring my stories onto LS and I often can't get any helpful advice because many people get so hung up on judgement (sometimes me, but more often of her), that the thread gets derailed. 6-7 weeks is way too long to just ghost and for it to be alright. I've ghosted after a couple dates. But again I've never only had 2 dates spread out over 6-7 weeks... 1
Miss Spider Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 (edited) Thanks. It's tough out there, isn't it? I think I'm a little disappointed because I was reeled in by his 'I really like you' messages. Girl, that is 'game face'. They all do that! lol That's how they get you I took him saying he wanted to take things slowly as a good sign because he saw potential in a relationship when in hindsight he perhaps was casting his net, like you say. I've been on these boards a long time and read countless stories. When a guy says anything about "taking things slowly" is not really a good sign, especially if meanwhile he is going fast physically. But 6-7 weeks of getting to know each other then just stopping dead is odd to me. Why not just message to say thanks but the distance is too much, bye? Welcome to internet dating The two things I find odd are that he was the one messaging and initiating contact, and regularly. Why bother? They all do that at first. And that he hasn't logged on to that site since we got in touch, and said in conversation last weekend that his membership had expired and wasn't going to renew. And our last messages were literally mid conversation and he just never replied! Maybe he realized that the free sites are just as effective in pulling tail from so he let his 'scrip run out. Or he gave up on the online thing. But this really means nothing. Edited August 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1
CryForNoOne Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 Maybe he realized that the free sites are just as effective in pulling tell from so he let his 'scrip run out. Or he gave up on the online thing. But this really means nothing. Yes. I was going to say that as well. But please don't get jaded by all our comments. Just be aware that OLD is not for the feint of heart. You need to not put all your eggs in one basket or take any one interaction too seriously. 3
Author Newtoallofthis Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 Yes. I was going to say that as well. But please don't get jaded by all our comments. Just be aware that OLD is not for the feint of heart. You need to not put all your eggs in one basket or take any one interaction too seriously. Never a truer word spoken!! Back online I go 2
Author Newtoallofthis Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 Have resisted the urge to send a message so far although I expect I probably will tomorrow if (and when) I don't hear anything. I'll just ask him how his weekend was and then if I don't get anything back I'll leave it. I know this is the way OLD plays out nowadays but it sucks. Why can't people just be courteous and nice?! Honestly, all it takes is a 'thanks but no thanks' message and it's done. The sudden ghosting is just kind of mean. Maybe I don't have thick enough skin for this.....
Author Newtoallofthis Posted August 14, 2017 Author Posted August 14, 2017 So I messaged today with a very non committal 'Hi, how was your weekend?' He replied within a couple of hours (unusual for him in the work day as usually too busy and messages in evenings due to high pressured job) and said he'd had an unexpected very busy weekend and went into details. It seems legit and thats fine. But... Where do I go from here? Not sure whether to continue to pursue it or not. I'm happy to take things slow or whatever but I don't want to be text friends with no direction. Happy to meet up with him and see where things go/develop but also don't want to be just a time passer for him, if that makes sense? It needs to have some direction for me...if he's just looking to have some physical action and nothing else I'm sure he can find that easier much closer to home.... I'm not saying I want it to be a relationship straight away but surely the whole point of dating is to get to know someone to see if they might be suitable as a partner in the future? Any advice on what to do next would be appreciated. He seems a good guy and I'd like to get to know him more but also don't want to be wasting my time.
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2017 Posted August 14, 2017 You do nothing at this point. He knows how to get in touch if he wants to see you. If you make it too easy for him at this point, you will spend the entire relationship chasing him & getting no respect. 1
stillafool Posted August 14, 2017 Posted August 14, 2017 I agree with dOnnivain to do nothing more. You reached out to him and he answered but did not ask to see you or make any plans. At this point the ball is in his court.
Author Newtoallofthis Posted August 14, 2017 Author Posted August 14, 2017 In his reply he talked about his very busy few days and then asked how I was and what I'd been up to, so the ball is back in my court to respond....
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