Big mistake

[brtd]

Warning: Long and tedious story awaits. Proceed with caution.

 

Been going through a rough time recently. I just wanted input on where I went wrong, and what I could do to avoid a situation like this in future.

 

About me--I'm in my mid-twenties--and have never dated, had a boyfriend, etc. I'm very shy and have few friends, and quite a bit of difficulty talking to people, particularly guys; I come from a cultural background that frowns on, shall we say, unnecessary interaction with guys. I'm also a fairly plain-looking girl, and have never had guys approach me, but I've also never been interested in dating.

 

I started working at a new job one year ago, and within a day, a guy in his early-to mid thirties approached me--as in, followed me and tried to talk to me incessantly during lunch, asked me out to coffee, and asked for my phone number. I was wary for several reasons: we were in a work environment, and I didn't want drama, he was older than me, smelled like he didn't shower regularly, and, when asking for my number, asked to call me right away to check the number(I assumed that he often asked women for their numbers, and they gave him the wrong number). I really regretted giving him my number--I honestly only did this to spare his feelings, which I understand now is stupid. There was also a part of me that wanted to get to know him better before progressing further.

 

He texted me that night, just to chat, and I didn't respond--I truly wasn't expecting him to text me, especially late at night, and didn't feel comfortable replying. Afterwards, he didn't really speak to me again for a few weeks, which I understood completely. I wanted to apologize for ignoring him, and ask him to coffee, but I never could work up the courage. About a month after the episode, he began talking to me again--and it wasn't mere social chitchat-it was in-depth questioning about my career choices, my future plans, etc. I thought he might still be interested in me, given that he was asking such detailed info , but I was never certain, as I often caught him talking alone with other girls in their early twenties and he never really opened up about himself--I had difficulty getting him to answer any questions I asked about him. Still, I became more interested, and foolishly holding on to hope, but not wanting to appear clingy or desperate, I would have conversations with him every once or twice a week. I never had the courage to ask him for coffee in person, but I did text him, and I never received a response. He kept talking to me, though, so I stupidly chose to continue thinking he was still interested.

 

There were warning signs I chose to ignore, such as the fact that he never wanted to be seen speaking with me seriously in front of others (he literally walked away in the middle of a conversation when he saw someone else was around, and our conversations were always late at night or early in the morning when no one was present). I also received fairly blatant hints that he might not think that highly of me: I made the mistake of mentioning my rather naive opinion on the ppresidential elections--I admit I wasn't well informed--and he didn't really respond much to me, except to say, "I think you're a little Pollyanna. You know what that means, right?" I realize that my opinions may have been foolish, but this condescending remark really smarted. I tried to make an effort to avoid him, but he always approached me for conversation and still seemed interested, so the game continued.

 

Five months back, I realized he was absent from work more on weekends (he worked every day later than anyone else), had bought new clothes, was always texting--and I assumed he must have a new girlfriend. I backed away from him completely, but was very depressed and devastated, and still forced to see him everyday because of work. At least the girlfriend was not at out worksite, and I didn't have to watch the relationship progress; apparently, this relationship didn't work out, because I next saw him at work, on another floor late at night or early in the morning--apparently hitting on another girl. This was torture--I had to walk by that floor everyday and worry about seeing him and the new girl. This relationship worked out--he now has cleaned up, does not smell terrible, and enjoys days off work with the new girlfriend, which was unheard of before. He also has no problem being seen with her in public--having lunch with her on our floor, talking with her in his office.

 

I, meanwhile, have not been able to move on, having to watch this spectacle every day at work. Before I realized he had taken a second girlfriend after the first didn't work out, he started talking to me again, bringing up details of conversations that happened months ago. Again, being the moron that I am, I assumed he was out of a relationship and interested again, and began talking to him, until I saw him going out on dates with the other girl. I really don't understand the point of this--why do this to someone when you aren't interested? Why talk to someone you clearly don't respect, and treat as an immature child?

 

These things run through my mind every day, pretty much all day. I've found it hard to work, to eat, and to sleep--I've cried pretty much every day since he started talking to me again. I've shut down all communication with him, though--no eye contact, no "hi" when I see him, and he now ignores me. I'll be leaving this job in a few weeks, and just wish I could forget about him and this episode, but have a bad feeling it will stick with me. I feel worthless, like an immature kid, and struggle to function--I feel like no one has ever been interested in me, and, due to my dull and quiet nature, no one ever will.

 

I could really use advice right now, and apologize for the length of this post.

[preraph]

I don't like him tearing you down and calling you a Pollyanna. Younger people sometimes are more idealistic, but no reason t be mean about it.

 

He is a player. He comes on quickly and as you know he just jumps around with any women around. He's not someone who is going to make you a good first boyfriend or even first date. He's too mature for you but not in a good way. He would only take advantage. Please try to just forget about him. If he was interested, so will other guys be interested

 

While NOT at work, my simple advice is even if you're too shy to talk, all you really have to do is look up and smile at a guy to make yourself approachable. It works like magic.

[maxi105]

hmmm, it sounds like you underestimated someone that actually liked you a lot but was extremely shy!!!! I think maybe you didn't see it as that and or maybe your cultural upbringing played more of a subconscious part to reject him than maybe you realised??? either way maybe you have learned more about this than you realise and might be able to piece some bits together after reading the post (if you agree with any of it)??? who knows???

 

with regards to the hygiene thing, maybe the smell was not him but old clothes, or maybe extreme nerves or something medical was the cause that made him sweat a lot. maybe this was just a good person who had suffered from low esteem due to having a medical condition that others just assume is him not washing, maybe this guy has been bullied endlessly about this !!! and you not talking to him or ignoring him when he was trying his best to reach out to you knocked his esteem further and he couldn't talk to you or felt he was wasting his time trying.

 

either way..now he has cleaned up (in your words) you have suddenly seen something that you missed before and are maybe there is something in you that is feeling quite sorry you let him go.

 

one question that I think of is did he clean up? or is it that the person he was with gave him a chance, put him at ease, allowed him to talk in a way he could be heard and allow him to put all his cards on the table eg: if he was at ease with her if she was prepared to listen to him, then maybe he was in control of a situation that made him not seem too fresh? or maybe it was because he was able to confide in her confidence that it gave him more esteem to want to lift himself up.

 

was this something you noticed all the time or only on occasions?

 

in terms of you and him early on: you were "wary" because you were in a work environment, & that's fine, but interestingly enough you didn't give him the same caution of talking to you comfortably in that same work place...can you see maybe he felt shy or under a spot light with the people you worked with just as much as you did; maybe you didn't stop to realise and appreciate that that kind of shy courtesy should work on both ways. so if he liked you, he probably didn't want the invasion of privacy, (and again...ironically, that made you both similar in another way).

 

why would you assume he asked for peoples numbers regularly???? and that they gave the wrong ones to him??? that sounds like you already were putting him in several boxes and maybe you have since discovered (was unfair) as it seems to me that you miss this man's company!!!

 

he probably was a lot more sensitively/ culturally aware of you and your works environmentally (being older than you) than you were possibly of him, and what he tried to maybe do was to respect your shyness and privacy where you perhaps didn't really understand or respect his shyness (and he sounds to me like someone who is very shy and private). is he??

 

I think the night you didn't reply to him was not only a bad choice as he was trying to set out a polite friendship with you or at least create a good boundary with you if you didn't want friendship, but without knowing how you felt you must not only have hurt his feelings but also come across as someone who is a bit unfeeling and probably not the sort of person that would be good for him (especially if you ignored him further!!). (and I'm sure you are not really like that...are you?)

 

the real questions in all of this is do you fancy him... or are you only looking for a casual friendship with him.

 

if you are wanting some advice? maybe next time don't give your number to someone you only feel initial pity for, because it isn't fair for them if that is the reason you give your number out to people!

 

it sounds like this guy bowled you over, and because you were not used to it you ran from him out of fear/inexperience..

 

if I am right in my thinking???? then maybe on reflection, you realised that there was more to him that you found different and interesting in an odd way however; the fact that someone else liked him and managed to sustain a relationship with him brought it home to you that he was after all normal and it forced you to look a bit deeper at someone rather than only looking at the shallow side of people...is that something you have been guilty of? if so then maybe you are already learning the lesson without realising it...

 

you feelings for this person if you like them that way or at best miss them are telling you about yourself and it sounds as though the guilt and maybe your own embarrassment is starting to come back to you as a "why didn't I do that" kind of situation.... well you didn't.

 

however...there is nothing to stop you from explaining to this man why you ignored him, why you offered your number to him and then went silent!!! he might not be in a position to do anything now, but if you do like him, at least it will show him you are not a heartless person or calculating one who is trying to relieve herself just through guilt, you can show him that you are sorry (if you are).

 

I always say it is never too late to give an apology if you feel one is owed to someone, however long it has been in coming; it may be that he saw your immaturity and you both drew on each other's shy and fearful insecurities.

 

what does sound obvious is that you both are quite similar in your different ways, and maybe time away from him has made you see those similarities..but way too late!!!!!

 

what can you do to learn from this (your question), maybe to give people time to get to show you who they are and maybe don't rule out other people if they have tried to talk to you and you have shut them out maybe think why you are shutting them out. if you'd talked alone and you still didn't feel it was good at the time then that would have been fair enough, but it sounds like what you really both needed was to talk quietly and privately to get over the initial shyness of not really knowing each other.

 

it sounds like you were both affected by other people being around (what they might think) and feared possibly them sticking their nose into your business...however - had you talked when he got in touch, I doubt you'd be writing in when you did.

 

I suspect he texted you to give you time to reply and him the same, can you text him again to properly explain all of what you feel?

 

maybe the truth is that he liked you and you suspected that, but his age and at the time and the fear of others thinking him uncool stopped your confidence and maybe made you ashamed of him or ashamed to be seen to like him so you rejected him whilst pushing thoughts of him or any concept of him to the back of your mind. does that sound possible? or not at all?

 

what did your work friends make of him? did they mock him or you? I can't help thinking they too played a part in your treatment of him; as you talk of the drama that might follow!!!!! was it an immature or gossipy place to work in? who knows.

 

maybe next time contact people or conduct your personal affairs in private and people will communicate with you more openly and more privately.

 

I don't know if what anything I am saying is right or not, so I can't say if I am offering you any insight into this situation.

 

what I do know is that I think if you text him and meet up for that coffee it will give you the chance to clear the air and explain your behaviours, which were I'm afraid a bit immature; but look, we all make, and have made naive mistakes, but it's how you put them right that matters.

 

you seem to be suggesting you had feelings for this man and I'm wondering whether you still have feelings for this man but are not honest enough to admit that?

 

I think the minute you get in touch it can help you put your emotions in a more true and less tortured place (its self-torture!!!) but it's not something that you can't ease thankfully . but only if you do what you should have done a year ago and just talk to him. properly!!!!

 

of course if you meet him then you are best to let the conversation take its flow before revealing if you do still like him, and you will know how he feels when you meet him, but I think from the point of view of healing yourself, you have to be prepared to be vulnerable in his eyes, the way he was when he used to try to talk all the time to you.

 

he took courage to ask for your number and then had rejection when you ignored him several times over!!!! so maybe now it's time to do the right thing and be prepared to face a little vulnerability of your own and give him the answers that you were too proud or frightened to give him all that time ago.

 

I feel like you owe him the truth and in doing so you will have grown as well as eased your conscious, but only if you speak from the heart.

 

you won't do yourself any good if you arrange to meet him then don't turn up or chicken out replying to his messages again when you probably know you need to talk to each other.

 

maybe he has moved on from you, who knows.... maybe he hasn't? but I feel that in only by telling the truth to him will you set yourself free from how you feel.

 

could you see this man as a friend if there is nothing between you that can be any more now?

 

if he was suddenly single today...what is it that you would feel for him?

 

if you still like him, then although it will be hard, text him and meet to explain what went wrong.

 

if you don't like him like that, then texting him and meeting him should be easier.

either way, maybe it's time to show this man the respect he showed you in his own shy way ; but he didn't correct himself in the way you wanted before...and in return he might respect you more and if you are lucky, friends or more, you may be able to show him you have "cleaned yourself up and corrected yourself" to show him a different side of you that he may or may not have perceived about you and how you seem from his perspective treat people!

 

best of luck with this, from what you've said, not everyone in life you meet is instantly someone you'll feel comfortable with, but if you realise you have not shown respect to someone that actually you know upon getting to know them more you realise now deserves more respect: then you HAVE to do the right thing and give it to them via an apology and/or explanation.

 

you say you feel like an immature kid!!!! well the best way to get rid of that self perception of yourself and one you may have shown him, is to put this situation right and prove yourself as the woman you are now.

 

it is never too late to apologise to someone!!!!!

 

another thing I always try to encourage here is to talk to people....all this no contact does and has done in your case more harm to someone's feelings, and from what I can read in your post...it hurt someone that was actually a good but shy person who was probably only looking for people to get to know, (just the way you were) but were frightened to do so...I've no doubt that if he liked you he was only trying to get to know if things might progress or to know if you might become friends at all.

 

I think you have more in common with this man than you were prepared to give him credit for a year ago, and maybe that is what is hurting you now...not the fact that he is with someone and is happy. I wonder whether there is a big dose of regret thrown in too and maybe a bit of an ego bruise in that your intelligent self didn't realise what a true gem this rather rough but very shy diamond was!!!!

 

good luck...even if at first maybe it doesn't read like that...I do think you can put this situation right if I am half way right in what I am saying...if I am not right, then apologies of course...but there is nothing to stop you giving more of your story so we can see what is really at the core of this.

 

I'm not sure if I have helped you in any way? but if you only get one small thing from this then I hope it does help you.

 

the place you are in is not easy I'm sure, but if you talk to him alone, then at least you can both have a fair and honest say, and maybe you can get to a point where you are not such an awkward or sad place for you right now.

 

TALK TO HIM!!!!!! good luck, maxi

 

ps, you apologise for a long and tedious post...so I hope you have the patience for a long and potentially tedious reply LOL LOL LOL...however...I make NO apologies for the length of my post....it's just the way it is! see ya.. and I hope you can resolve this soon, for both your sakes.

 

it will make you feel loads better (and I'm sure deep in your heart you already know that this is what needs to happen) before you can move on away from him - or keep him in your life as one of those people that actually mean something special to you as a potential friend or maybe in time something more???

 

whatever.....XXXX & just go for it.

[healing light]

Don't bother overanalyzing this man--you are already doing it and it's making you miserable.

 

He smelled, he made a condescending remark, he ignored you publicly, and now he's chosen to date at least two other women while he's known you.

 

Trust me, I know it seems like your broken heart is about him, but it's really about who you thought he was and the feeling of being noticed for the first time--you yourself said you didn't know much about him based off his dodgy answers to questions. The core of this issue, what's keeping you stuck, is that you think you are dull/immature/childish/look down on yourself. This is the real problem.

 

And don't worry about being "plain-looking." Even you think it's true, those are the women, in my friendship circles, who have the potential to snag the most men because they typically look approachable. I agree with the poster who said you should start opening up your body language, especially if you've been culturally conditioned to be closed off to men.

[brtd]

Thanks for the advice.

 

Full disclaimer here--I'm Muslim, and this guy is Muslim as well. I think my aversion to dating/romance originates from the fact that my mom--Christian--and dad--Muslim--dated before marriage and they wound up in a disastrous and bitter divorce.

 

Maxi105--I know it sounds as though I'm regretting my actions now, but in reality, I wanted to apologize within two weeks of meeting him for the texting thing--I had no idea if he wanted to hear it or was still interested. His return to speaking with me, I realize was a mere extension of friendship, nothing more, and I mistakenly chose to think of it as interest; after all, he did ignore my text message a few months later. I think my fear of speaking with him stemmed from his flirtatious behavior--he isn't shy, pretty much talks to everyone, and openly flirted with another girl in front of me (nothing too overt, but you could tell by the way he was talking with her). I did not want to be the idiot who falls for the flirt game, especially in a work environment. I also didn't talk to other people about him--I couldn't think of a way of doing so without indirectly indicating that he was a Don Juan type, and if he wasn't, I was ruining his reputation unnecessarily. I did like him, but I also knew almost nothing about him as he never talked about himself, so it is fairly difficult to determine if this liking him only comes from the fact that he paid attention to me, or in him genuinely. I knew months ago that he would find someone else better than me, and I would probably end up watching the relationship play out, but I couldn't do anything about it. All I know is that it has made me an obsessive nutcase--I think about him all the time, what went wrong, and I need to find a way to move on, as he clearly has. It didn't really help when he came back to me and reminded me of what we spoke of six months ago, which is why I had to cut all contact.

 

I feel as though I'm Dorian Gray, and this guy has become my painting--I've been forced to acknowledge my insecurities, immaturity, and terrible interpersonal skills. I know that I fit the criteria for avoidant personality disorder, although I have never been diagnosed. This is also a disorder for which there isn't much treatment available, which has made me reluctant to seek help, given that a diagnosis of this magnitude would adversely affect my career.

 

It's interesting that, prior to meeting this guy, I could fantasize fairly easily about people and imaginary situations, and now, these fantasies have been replaced by obsessive replays of conversations with him, and what might have been, which is self-destructive. It's basically a dark tunnel which seems to have no end.

 

To make matters worse, I accepted an arranged marriage proposal a few months ago, when I was at my most depressed. This guy is closer in age to me, and is definitely someone I would have considered dating were the option available to me, and the incident with work guy not occurred. I won't marry him for a few years, yet, as I want my career to be moving along before I marry. I just want closure from this work thing, and can't figure out how to get it.

 

I really hope this doesn't sound as twisted and soap-opera-ish as it's coming across to me now.

Edited August 13, 2017 by brtd

[maxi105]

some people can flirt with the world and be shy with the ones that they like! look, I don't know this guy or you and you are thinking about him LOTS by the sound of it.

 

if you really want closure then you have to talk to him.

 

no one on here or in your work situation can give you the real closure you are seeking only him.

 

and ps. I kind of guessed your religion. just something in the message I guess. but that is neither here nor there, the real thing is to pluck up the courage and talk to him.

 

once you know for sure you can move on.

 

I agree with you wanting to be sure and not wanting to fall for a continued flirt who will hurt you in the end.

 

what can you find out from the only person that you can find this out if you are not talking to him ???

 

look, I'm sure you are doing yourself down big time here, dust yourself (and your dorian greyness image whilst you are running around that fusty attic looking for clues to an insolvable riddle ...on your OWN!!!!! , and go on a shopping spree, treat yourself to some nice things and when you feel good shoot him a friendly text saying look ive been meaning to talk with you I screwed up and id like to talk it over if you'd give me a chance to apologise...and see what he says.

 

if you don't try to talk to him this is going to go on and on and will start to affect your happiness and confidence in other areas (if it is not already).

 

yes, I have probably over analysed this to death but that is because I don't know this situation properly, but the one way you get out of this destructive pattern is to talk to him.

 

is it really going to kill you to either say look can we talk, I really need to get a few things off my chest and apologise for how things were between us, if he is a decent man he will want you to have a say and be willing to hear you out. if he is a decent man that is secure in his relationship then he will be able to meet you knowing that nothing will come of this meeting that is innapropriate and he can meet with you for a few moments and it wont cause a nuclear war!!!! if he is a decent man and listens to you and can help you I belive he will.

 

and the fourth situation, (I wont raise you hopes, but if it will be it will be, becsue he is a decent man that can and still has the ability to communicate openly and honestly with you).

 

one thing here I feel is that you are thinking about what might happen and running with that as though you know. you cant know (just the same way I cant know) unless you talk about it.

 

be kind to yourself over this, and try reaching out with honesty and being sincerely humble. you may be surprised at what he tells you, and more than anything you may begin to understand and get to a happier place and thus find your closure is more realistic and less "fictional" as it were..

 

GOOD LUCK>>>AND JUST TALK TO HIM...I really believe its the only way.

 

if you talk and you don't get the results you want or do then at least you will have said your piece and opened your heart to heal yourself. let us know how you get on. maxi.XX

[brtd]

I already have a fairly good idea of how that conversation will go. He'll tell me he only saw me as a friend, was not interested, and look at me as though I were insane. That's why I've avoided it.

 

I base this off how he's interacted with me--he's always been friendly with me when he has a girlfriend--if he was truly interested in me he wouldn't be talking to me. The way he speaks with me indicates he thinks I'm a silly little kid--he doesn't really respect me and doesn't open up to me.

 

Evidence:

I told him family was visiting--his response--"oh, your mom and dad?"

 

"you look like an undergraduate."

 

Then, interrogating me about where I live, but when I asked him this question, he gave me a vague response about living within walking distance. Really?

 

These episodes have really brought my self-esteem down, and I don't feel good when I speak with him. I'd rather avoid it.

[preraph]

I already have a fairly good idea of how that conversation will go. He'll tell me he only saw me as a friend, was not interested, and look at me as though I were insane. That's why I've avoided it.

 

I base this off how he's interacted with me--he's always been friendly with me when he has a girlfriend--if he was truly interested in me he wouldn't be talking to me. The way he speaks with me indicates he thinks I'm a silly little kid--he doesn't really respect me and doesn't open up to me.

 

Evidence:

I told him family was visiting--his response--"oh, your mom and dad?"

 

"you look like an undergraduate."

 

Then, interrogating me about where I live, but when I asked him this question, he gave me a vague response about living within walking distance. Really?

 

These episodes have really brought my self-esteem down, and I don't feel good when I speak with him. I'd rather avoid it.

Never even consider being with a man who makes you feel bad about yourself. Those men are abusive.

[coolheadal]

Warning: Long and tedious story awaits. Proceed with caution.

 

Been going through a rough time recently. I just wanted input on where I went wrong, and what I could do to avoid a situation like this in future.

 

About me--I'm in my mid-twenties--and have never dated, had a boyfriend, etc. I'm very shy and have few friends, and quite a bit of difficulty talking to people, particularly guys; I come from a cultural background that frowns on, shall we say, unnecessary interaction with guys. I'm also a fairly plain-looking girl, and have never had guys approach me, but I've also never been interested in dating.

 

I started working at a new job one year ago, and within a day, a guy in his early-to mid thirties approached me--as in, followed me and tried to talk to me incessantly during lunch, asked me out to coffee, and asked for my phone number. I was wary for several reasons: we were in a work environment, and I didn't want drama, he was older than me, smelled like he didn't shower regularly, and, when asking for my number, asked to call me right away to check the number(I assumed that he often asked women for their numbers, and they gave him the wrong number). I really regretted giving him my number--I honestly only did this to spare his feelings, which I understand now is stupid. There was also a part of me that wanted to get to know him better before progressing further.

 

He texted me that night, just to chat, and I didn't respond--I truly wasn't expecting him to text me, especially late at night, and didn't feel comfortable replying. Afterwards, he didn't really speak to me again for a few weeks, which I understood completely. I wanted to apologize for ignoring him, and ask him to coffee, but I never could work up the courage. About a month after the episode, he began talking to me again--and it wasn't mere social chitchat-it was in-depth questioning about my career choices, my future plans, etc. I thought he might still be interested in me, given that he was asking such detailed info , but I was never certain, as I often caught him talking alone with other girls in their early twenties and he never really opened up about himself--I had difficulty getting him to answer any questions I asked about him. Still, I became more interested, and foolishly holding on to hope, but not wanting to appear clingy or desperate, I would have conversations with him every once or twice a week. I never had the courage to ask him for coffee in person, but I did text him, and I never received a response. He kept talking to me, though, so I stupidly chose to continue thinking he was still interested.

 

There were warning signs I chose to ignore, such as the fact that he never wanted to be seen speaking with me seriously in front of others (he literally walked away in the middle of a conversation when he saw someone else was around, and our conversations were always late at night or early in the morning when no one was present). I also received fairly blatant hints that he might not think that highly of me: I made the mistake of mentioning my rather naive opinion on the ppresidential elections--I admit I wasn't well informed--and he didn't really respond much to me, except to say, "I think you're a little Pollyanna. You know what that means, right?" I realize that my opinions may have been foolish, but this condescending remark really smarted. I tried to make an effort to avoid him, but he always approached me for conversation and still seemed interested, so the game continued.

 

Five months back, I realized he was absent from work more on weekends (he worked every day later than anyone else), had bought new clothes, was always texting--and I assumed he must have a new girlfriend. I backed away from him completely, but was very depressed and devastated, and still forced to see him everyday because of work. At least the girlfriend was not at out worksite, and I didn't have to watch the relationship progress; apparently, this relationship didn't work out, because I next saw him at work, on another floor late at night or early in the morning--apparently hitting on another girl. This was torture--I had to walk by that floor everyday and worry about seeing him and the new girl. This relationship worked out--he now has cleaned up, does not smell terrible, and enjoys days off work with the new girlfriend, which was unheard of before. He also has no problem being seen with her in public--having lunch with her on our floor, talking with her in his office.

 

I, meanwhile, have not been able to move on, having to watch this spectacle every day at work. Before I realized he had taken a second girlfriend after the first didn't work out, he started talking to me again, bringing up details of conversations that happened months ago. Again, being the moron that I am, I assumed he was out of a relationship and interested again, and began talking to him, until I saw him going out on dates with the other girl. I really don't understand the point of this--why do this to someone when you aren't interested? Why talk to someone you clearly don't respect, and treat as an immature child?

 

These things run through my mind every day, pretty much all day. I've found it hard to work, to eat, and to sleep--I've cried pretty much every day since he started talking to me again. I've shut down all communication with him, though--no eye contact, no "hi" when I see him, and he now ignores me. I'll be leaving this job in a few weeks, and just wish I could forget about him and this episode, but have a bad feeling it will stick with me. I feel worthless, like an immature kid, and struggle to function--I feel like no one has ever been interested in me, and, due to my dull and quiet nature, no one ever will.

 

I could really use advice right now, and apologize for the length of this post.

 

That's the problem with work and relationships. You can't even work with them if it doesn't work out you really can mess-up your job. This guy is a player, might have closet wife on top of this.

 

He's a jerk, don't let this mess with your head or life. Your like me I was just like this myself. I got out of this because to be who I wanted I did the changes in my life to be more social accepted. Today I can talk to any stranger and doesn't matter what the outcome is I am not looking for friends I just looking for things I need in general. You are still young by your thirties you'll entire life will unfold just now you have experienced a jerk/player what we call a womanizer. Not all men including myself is like this. You did the right thing to leave this job.

 

Now you have to gain some self esteem and you have hope that you will find that perfect guy that wants to be with you only. Never give up the hope my child.

[smackie9]

I don't think this guy is a "player", he was just trying whatever he could do to get a GF, but being a little clueless at it, but figured things out along the way, possibly got advice from someone to improve his odds.

 

He said stupid things to you out of being the dork he is, and might felt apprehensive at your demeanor as being rude for not being responsive in your interaction. You are looking at all this through inexperienced eyes. You have social anxiety, and your perception of things are not what you think they are. You are living on assumption of what people are truly thinking. This will get you into trouble every time. For example : they don't like me, or that person thinks bad things about me, they must talk behind my back.....when in reality they are not thinking anything about you. BUT shyness can be taken as being a snob, stuck up, and rude. And that is why you are so alone socially.

 

If you want your life to change, YOU need to change. You can't keep doing this or you will be a lone forever. AND you need to stop making excuses. You can do anything you want if YOU put your mind to it...just like what he did. You saw how he made changes and is now not the smelly weirdo he was. Now it's your turn. Go out and get a makeover. Have your makeup done, buy new clothes, get your eyebrows shaped, find a nice light fragrance to wear, teach yourself to keep your head up, eye contact and ask people how their day is, and have conversations with people. The more friendly, positive and interactive you are, people will be drawn to you, invite you out, befriend you. This is how you develop as a person.

 

I feel if you look good, confidence in yourself follows.

Edited August 13, 2017 by smackie9

[brtd]

Thanks. My appearance is OK--I wear light makeup, and relatively fashionable clothing, albeit somewhat looser-fitting and more covered. My problem is interacting with people--I feel as though I come across as creepy and weird, and have a tendency to say stupid things just because I haven't really spoken with people much at all. This is probably why I took the Pollyanna thing so much to heart, and closed down.

 

I'm going to try improv--I know I won't do well in the start--but it's something. This has been a problem for years, but now it's killing me slowly. I don't talk to anyone anymore--I'll speak to my family every two or three days, but that's it, apart from small talk at work.

[brtd]

Argh-->this guy still won't stop talking to me. I've tried ignoring him, not making eye contact, but he still keeps up the "friendly conversation" every time I walk by and no one's around.

 

I don't get it--he's not interested in me, probably has a girlfriend (I see him dressing up more on Fridays, shaving, etc)--but still won't take the hint. I don't want to be overtly rude and tell him to stop talking to me, but it's hard to move on with this.

[kendahke]

dr;tl

I started working at a new job one year ago, and within a day, a guy in his early-to mid thirties approached me--as in, followed me and tried to talk to me incessantly during lunch, asked me out to coffee, and asked for my phone number.

 

Never poop where you eat.

[Miss Spider]

I'm so confused. Are you 100% sure he has a new gf or did he just shave and get a new wardrobe. Those are two different things.

 

I also don't understand if you even really like this guy or you're just lonely and upset you think(?) he has a girlfriend?

[brtd]

I'm so confused. Are you 100% sure he has a new gf or did he just shave and get a new wardrobe. Those are two different things.

 

I also don't understand if you even really like this guy or you're just lonely and upset you think(?) he has a girlfriend?

 

I'm not 100% certain--the evidence is strong but circumstantial:

 

This guy shaves, puts on cologne, changes into his best clothing on Thursday and Friday evenings, and also leaves work earlier on those days. Should I know these details? Absolutely not. Am I crazy obsessive nut--probably at this point.

 

I did like talking to the guy earlier in the year, but was worried he was just flirting with me, as I saw him talking to other girls alone. Given that he's older than me, I was also worried that I would look like an idiot in the eyes of my supervisor and colleagues, falling for the Don Juan type. So I kept talking to him, but did so at intervals so it wouldn't look as though I was too interested--I know this was stupid, but each time I would just try to completely stop talking to him, he would start talking to me again.

 

Do I wake up in the middle of the night wondering what if? Yes--and it's turning into an obsession. I think about this guy 90% of the day--what I would say to him, what things we would have done--and it's just not healthy at this point.

[Miss Spider]

Not healthy at all. You need to open up your eyes to the big world out there with many other men. This guy who just suddenly found a razor and a shower isn't the only guy who can turn your crank. It's especially a bad idea because you work with him. If things get awkward it's staring you in the face all the time while you're working. I do understand the feeling of infatuation, but I'd give this one up.

[brtd]

Update: It’s been almost a year, and I’m still struggling with this. I left this job a year ago, and on the last day of work, saw him and his girlfriend together. It hurt—she’s far more beautiful and intelligent than myself, and far more sophisticated. I realize now he never saw me as anything more than a causal flirt, to be quickly discarded when something better came along. I don’t know what happened to him, only that his career seems to be doing well.

 

Meanwhile, I’ve tried to get over this—accepting an arranged marriage engagement which I ended recently due to this issue. It’s made me realize no guy has ever really been interested in me, and I’ve become severely depressed and withdrawn. Guys never see me as anything more than an acquaintance, never as a potential girlfriend or wife—I’m just too plain, boring, and homely. I never minded being single before, now I realize I’m so old and unwanted and it hurts. I just want to be happy with life again, and am wondering if other people have been in this situation and come out.

[Versacehottie]

Update: It’s been almost a year, and I’m still struggling with this. I left this job a year ago, and on the last day of work, saw him and his girlfriend together. It hurt—she’s far more beautiful and intelligent than myself, and far more sophisticated. I realize now he never saw me as anything more than a causal flirt, to be quickly discarded when something better came along. I don’t know what happened to him, only that his career seems to be doing well.

 

Meanwhile, I’ve tried to get over this—accepting an arranged marriage engagement which I ended recently due to this issue. It’s made me realize no guy has ever really been interested in me, and I’ve become severely depressed and withdrawn. Guys never see me as anything more than an acquaintance, never as a potential girlfriend or wife—I’m just too plain, boring, and homely. I never minded being single before, now I realize I’m so old and unwanted and it hurts. I just want to be happy with life again, and am wondering if other people have been in this situation and come out.

 

Wow, you are really hard on yourself. It's hard to hear this. I can tell from your writing that of course you have lots of good qualities. You have to give yourself credit. Here's the thing: if you grew up very sheltered & with such a low opinion of yourself, you might be bound to attach much more significance to this guy than he deserved. Other than the fact that he paid you some small bit of attention at one point, it doesn't seem like there is much else there---except for your own desire to be desired and loved and seen. You can still get that! I think that's one reason why seeing him have the work romance hurts you so much and fuels a lower self-esteem in you.

 

Do you think it's possible that seeing others around you--him, the work gf, etc--live their lives while you are not really taking steps to live yours and feeling stuck, depressed and overwhelmed by the mountain you feel you would need to climb to have love is really what is gnawing at you? I kind of think so. What if you start in small ways to put yourself out there? Take some chances to get the life you want, rather than sitting on the sidelines. I realize it won't be easy because of what point you are at now but you could do it. The first step is to work on your self-esteem and put what you are working on into practice on a day-to-day basis & lower the stakes by taking small steps toward your goal (of being more visible, more lovable). As far as being more lovable, you need to start with yourself, loving yourself. That's the first step for that part. Good luck. You can do this.