Long distance BF said I come visit, he won't be able to see me as much

[IndiaJoy]

So i'm in a dilemma right now. My BF and I have been in a relationship for 4 years. He lives in South Africa and I live in America. Three out of those we practically lived together ( we were always together) . He had to move back home because he wanted to start up his company. We have been doing long distance for about a year and he came to visit and was with me for 3 months ( February - May).

He has called me and text me everyday since we started this LD and everything has been going as good as long distance gets. I get mad when he does not respond to me on time but he says he's busy and i just take it as it is.

Today August 12, I was missing him and the conversation went like this.

 

Me : I might be coming home for two weeks

Him : Okay but what are you coming for

Me : I miss you so much and I want to spend sometime with my dad too

Him : if you come, i won't be able to see you and if i do it would be only on the weekends. Im out of the house at 8am and back at 9 because of work so I'll be really busy.

Me : I would think that you'll be happy

Him : There's no point of coming because i'm coming to see you in September anyways for three months. You know i'm here to work and I need to focus on that.

 

Now guys, I really don't know how to feel about this because I would think anyone in a LD relationship would be excited to have their girlfriend coming over. I was kind of put off and I don't understand why. Yes he will be coming to visit in September for another 3 months but the way he said it was just kinda weird

[Chilli]

Hey. and sorry to hear about your sitch.

 

Few ideas , not saying they're right but just something to think about.

And whether there's more to it with him , like he's losing interest or someone else, no idea . But on the working front !

 

l was in and LDR for 15mths and l have a business, l've also just bought a house.

And l had to cancel a few visits and put others off because of work or bills or both. The timing was often just not right.

l couldn't just stop at the time or there was just too much going on or there just wasn't the spare money and l just didn't want the added pressure of her being here.

 

But l will say , when a guy is setting up a business or working those kinds of hours, we often tend to put everything on the shelf to just focus and get through it, build the business or whatever the case is but especially with a business.takes everything to get one going and keep it going.

 

In my sitch , although there was other things or so it was starting to seem, having to put off or cancel visits because of work or timing , really started causing big sh@t in the end and got very upsetting. Once ok, second no so good , but getting up to 3 and 4 times, it really started to hit the fan.

But each time l had no choice.

Couldn't stop at the time or money wasn't due in at the right time, or things had come up with the house.

 

Not saying it is but if he is legit then he could be just preferring to work everything at his end and those hours , without the pressure of having you there right now.

That's how l was.

If he is legit you could just bite some time until September, if he does come and see how things are then with you guys.

[d0nnivain]

I'd be disappointed by his reaction too but it sounds like he really is busy, especially right before he leaves to come see you for 3 months. Go if you want to see your dad. Enjoy your time with him on the weekends & then see him when he comes to visit you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'd be disappointed by his reaction too but it sounds like he really is busy, especially right before he leaves to come see you for 3 months. Go if you want to see your dad. Enjoy your time with him on the weekends & then see him when he comes to visit you.

 

I agree.

 

I don't think he meant to sound dismissive of you, OP. But I do think he's trying to look at this practically, and honestly just giving you the heads-up that he won't be very available. If he's starting his own business, he is truly going to be consumed by that.

 

But I want to touch on something, which could explain his seemingly short tone with you: You said you get mad when he doesn't respond on time. What does that mean, exactly? Define "on time", and what do you say or do when he doesn't reply to you within your expected window? He might be feeling annoyed in general and it came out in his response when you said you're thinking of coming.

[Els]

On the surface, I think it's considerate of him to warn you that he'll be working 13 (!!) hours a day every weekday and thus wouldn't have time to spend with you except on weekends. If you're really going to see your dad, just tell him that, and also tell him that you're happy to just meet him on weekends.

 

If he STILL acts put off even after that, I would be suspicious.

[GemmaUK]

I agree.

 

I don't think he meant to sound dismissive of you, OP. But I do think he's trying to look at this practically, and honestly just giving you the heads-up that he won't be very available. If he's starting his own business, he is truly going to be consumed by that.

 

But I want to touch on something, which could explain his seemingly short tone with you: You said you get mad when he doesn't respond on time. What does that mean, exactly? Define "on time", and what do you say or do when he doesn't reply to you within your expected window? He might be feeling annoyed in general and it came out in his response when you said you're thinking of coming.

 

This is what I thought also.

He has warned you about the lack of weekday time he has.

If in the past though you have reacted badly when he doesn't respond 'on time' then it's likely I would think that he also had pre-warned you then. Also though, starting a business is a huge thing - he is going to be busy and he is going to be exhausted.

 

If you want to see your Dad then plan that as your trip. Your guy will likely be exhausted at weekends anyway working those hours and the weekend is the only real time he has for other responsibilities - errands, shopping, washing, house work etc.

 

I think he has the vibe from you that you visiting means your focus will be on him rather than your Dad.

If he is right in that assumption then he is right in suggesting wait until he can come to you if your main reason for the visit is him. He will have the time for you when he visits you.

[justwhoiam]

Maybe it's just me, reading the previous posts, but I tried to put myself in your shoes, and I have a different perspective.

 

If I had a chance to see him, because I'm off work for a certain time (let's say 2 weeks) and I could afford the trip without jeopardizing any future project or without breaking my bank account, I'd do so. There's more to it. Being on vacation, thus not having to work, I'd have 24/7 available to HELP him with his business. If he works 8 am to 9 pm all week, that means he's overwhelmed with stuff to do. I'm not sure how I could help him, but like answering the phone, cleaning his office, ordering his archive, setting up a good system to save time, anything that comes to mind would be saved time for him, a way to be more efficient and sooner, and consequently creating time for us as a couple to spend together. The bonus would be visiting parents living in a different continent.

 

So, at this point, I'd try to understand if he would discourage a trip to save up more money (thus financial reasons), or to keep 2 environments/worlds separate, with the latter not being good enough for me and not sustainable. If his business is something meant to last, he would welcome help from his future/potential wife, unless he sees that as negative interference, or just doesn't see you as his future wife.

 

Also, how can he be so indispensable right now and then going MIA for 3 months? Or is it that he can run his business from somewhere else?

[preraph]

Most people would take off at least a couple of days. I think he has another girlfriend. Sorry. I mean, if you're his only woman, then he'd be itching to be with you and see you any chance he got. So he's not itching.

[Zahara]

Out of the house at 8AM and home by 9PM. If I were into my boyfriend, I'd let him know that this would be my schedule and that I would have very little time with him but would nonetheless be happy for him to visit if he doesn't mind squeezing time here and there.

 

His response was lackluster, cold and non-negotiable. I agree with preraph. It sounds like he doesn't want you there for a reason other than the easy cop out of being busy.

[RecentChange]

I too would be off put by that reaction.

 

Heck, I leave the house at 6:30 am, and I get back home between 7:00 and 9:30 at night - doesn't mean I don't want to share a meal, cuddle with....and more with my husband at the end of the day.

 

Surely he has some time and energy left for sex right? Personally that's not something I would want to put off for another month:bunny:

[Seriousperson]

I too would be off put by that reaction.

 

Heck, I leave the house at 6:30 am, and I get back home between 7:00 and 9:30 at night - doesn't mean I don't want to share a meal, cuddle with....and more with my husband at the end of the day.

 

Surely he has some time and energy left for sex right? Personally that's not something I would want to put off for another month:bunny:

 

I definitely agree on this! I have been through several experiences that really solidifies if a person wants you, they will make time for you. There is something off when a partner says they are too busy esp in a LDR. If I were in that situation, I would tell my partner that I'm super thrilled to see them, but we would have to work out a schedule that works.

[IndiaJoy]

Thanks guys. Everyone of you had something really good to say. I'll say I've just decided to let things play out until he at least gets here. Not doing too much but not doing too less either. At the end of the day, I only have his word to take for it. I won't let a situation i'm in make me act out of character. If it's not meant to be , surely everything will come to light. I have the habit of stressing a lot and its really taking a toll on me. I have so many more crucial things to worry about that i'm surprised there is still space to worry about him sometimes you know. Maybe i'm at that stage of my life where I just need to sit back and re-evaluate a lot of things. Btw , he's a realist and always tells you what he thinks is the truth regardless of if you want to hear it or not.

[IndiaJoy]

I definitely agree on this! I have been through several experiences that really solidifies if a person wants you, they will make time for you. There is something off when a partner says they are too busy esp in a LDR. If I were in that situation, I would tell my partner that I'm super thrilled to see them, but we would have to work out a schedule that works.

 

He does not stay alone so this won't be plausible. He lives with his uncle and their family. At the end of the day, if he's really doing stuff he's not supposed to be doing. I think it'll come to light and then ill have no choice but to leave the situation.

[IndiaJoy]

Most people would take off at least a couple of days. I think he has another girlfriend. Sorry. I mean, if you're his only woman, then he'd be itching to be with you and see you any chance he got. So he's not itching.[/quote

 

I was not even expecting him to take days off. There's no point of that seeing as he's there to work and would be coming back to the states a few days after I leave. I was more put off by his reaction if anything. Sometimes I don't think I get him. That or I expect him to be someone he is not.

[Seriousperson]

Most people would take off at least a couple of days. I think he has another girlfriend. Sorry. I mean, if you're his only woman, then he'd be itching to be with you and see you any chance he got. So he's not itching.[/quote

 

I was not even expecting him to take days off. There's no point of that seeing as he's there to work and would be coming back to the states a few days after I leave. I was more put off by his reaction if anything. Sometimes I don't think I get him. That or I expect him to be someone he is not.

 

I think everyone is saying the way he went about that situation was wrong and a bit rude. Almost like he was writing you off. Ask him if he wants you down there and don't accept the answer "you can come if you want". If he makes a reason for you not to come down, don't go. If you got the arrangements, spend time w/your dad, but don't see him.

 

When someone is so hesitant about a visit, its better to find out then for them to feel like you forced yourself on them. When my LDR was failing, I was supposed to visit the next month. Due to my work, I needed to plan out my schedule. I asked him if he wanted me to come down, he said "come if you want, but I don't want you to have that expense". Turned out he never wanted me down there.

[NexttP]

People always say "if they really care then they will take time off." but you forget that reality doesn't care about your relationships.

 

This is what happens when two people start dating, they sacrifice responsibilities to make time for each other. Okay, now you to have solidified that relationship, time to take care of those responsibilities that you have been putting off. Pretty soon, you realize that you aren't spending time together like you used to. Yeah, that's call life. Money doesn't grow on trees, trash doesn't take itself out, etc. etc. Business? It's an investment. Up to you if you want to support him (if he's being honest). Not every day is rainbows and unicorns.

 

It could be "Man, I'm already spending a lot of money going to see you in September, you didn't have to spend the money too to come here now. You should have saved it so we can spend it on better things later."

[Popsicle]

I hate to break it to you, but people do have real-life obligations.

 

But maybe I'm saying that because I'm not in love with anyone at the moment....

 

Anyway, if I were all love-struck like you are and wanted my LD BF to be super excited about seeing me, I'd skip this trip altogether and wait for him to come when he is freer and the visit can be all I've dreamed it up to be.