Relationship : Should I wait for him or walk away?

[Els]

I think this is a no-brainer - you should cut your losses. An open relationship needs to be something that both parties REALLY want for themselves, otherwise resentment will brew and things will eventually fall to pieces, even after the distance has been closed. In your case it's fairly obvious that an open R isn't something that you particularly want. It's something that HE wants, and you are doing mental somersaults trying to explain why it's "understandable that he wants it".

 

It's not something that NEEDS to happen. People can travel and have fun and meet others without necessarily having sex with them, if they're in a LTR. Lots of couples have survived long distance and closed it, without needing to involve other sexual partners.

 

In addition to all the other incompatibilities you mentioned, there really doesn't seem to be a reason to carry on. You are both very different people with very different (and more importantly, extremely non-complementary) priorities and life plans and mindsets.

[ICarrotBoutYou]

I think this is a no-brainer - you should cut your losses. An open relationship needs to be something that both parties REALLY want for themselves, otherwise resentment will brew and things will eventually fall to pieces, even after the distance has been closed. In your case it's fairly obvious that an open R isn't something that you particularly want. It's something that HE wants, and you are doing mental somersaults trying to explain why it's "understandable that he wants it".

 

It's not something that NEEDS to happen. People can travel and have fun and meet others without necessarily having sex with them, if they're in a LTR. Lots of couples have survived long distance and closed it, without needing to involve other sexual partners.

 

In addition to all the other incompatibilities you mentioned, there really doesn't seem to be a reason to carry on. You are both very different people with very different (and more importantly, extremely non-complementary) priorities and life plans and mindsets.

 

 

Thanks for the input. I am on the same page though I am still keen to actually sit down face-to-face to talk about it. Texting is our only option right now he's in the mountains and the area is remote so the connection is like trying to contact someone in outer space.

 

So far, you've probably have the best understanding of my feelings (overall). Unless he is able to honestly convince me otherwise, I really do feel like that right now. That we've got very different priorities and though we are compatible in many ways (sex, hobbies and overall chemistry), there are some things that we cannot seem to compromise on. I am a calculative and rational thinker. Not to say he is always rash but I don't think he sees consequences the same way I do. I plan for the worst and hope for the best, he thinks only about the best and hopes the worst never happens. I do not know if this is just a different take in life but for me I find it a too childlike to handle.

 

The reason commitment is important to me is that I realise no one wakes up one day (unless you've got a silver spoon in your mouth), buys a condo, a car and start an education fund for their children. Even if I'm not planning to have that family in another 10 years, for me, it starts now. For him, it's like, I'll handle it when we get there cause right now, it's just really not important. This may be why it seems like a commitment problem, I cannot be sure of it right now. We really do need to sit down and discuss. Again, a lot of input are from females so I can't tell if this is the female versus male brain issue. I am talking to a really close friend of his and also mine to gather some intel on the male brain and how it works. They should share the same cultural views since he's also French and since they were housemates until about a month ago, we're quite close. He has a good grasp of my personality and my boyfriend's, I've been around him long enough that he can look at our relationship objectively as a third party.

 

We both come from humble (below average) families but we are fairly educated. I foresee that money would be a problem if we ever decide to pursue a long-term relationship. Deep down, I do think he wants to have long-term with me but he feels like he can put me on the back-burner and handle the issue when the day comes (which is ideal but probably never going to happen). Our approach to that future is totally different though. He quit his job to help his dad in business cause he thinks he will make loads of money and all the problems will disappear. Again, I support him now though I was initially hesitant. I could not understand why he would give up a stable job with decent pay for a job that is totally out of his comfort zone (not what he studied or has been working in). He was totally taken in by the idea that this new job is in business so he gets the opportunity to travel which is his passion. That's all fine with me but that would only take him further away and we've already been in a LDR for a year. I was hoping since he's moving back to EU and I'm moving to London, that the gap would be bridged instead of widening.

 

Some couples can make it happen by omitting sex altogether, that's true, but at least in our case, I don't think it will happen. We have sex a lot when we're together. It's been a year and when we are together, we average at least once a day. On good days, 3-4 times is not uncommon. I can vouch that we both have pretty high sex drives. The difference is how important it is to the person. I can confidently say I would not cheat on him but to say that I would not think about having an open relationship or any form of non-monogamy somewhere down the road may not be entirely true either. Perhaps now, things are going so well with us that it didn't even cross my mind. There's no guarantee that if we were in LDR for say, 6 months that I would not suddenly spring that on him. It's possible he's preparing for the future and just wants that confirmation before he can make a decision on his career or whatever, I have completely no idea. I am again, the verbal one in the relationship, I have absolutely no problem telling him in writing or in words about everything I've said here. I can't say for sure that he is able to communicate that effectively (he does have a strong reason though, English is not his first language). Though, English isn't mine either so go figure. Right now, the open relationship and extra sex thing is secondary to whatever other issue that is behind this.

 

I cannot just accept things blindly. If you tell me the world is flat, I need evidence and even then, I will rationalise it before deciding whether to trust the information. I guess it's just me but that's how my brain works. Sometimes it's more convoluted that it needs to be but I think it's a defense mechanism I developed over time. I break everything down to small bits, understand it properly, I have all the reasons/explanations and therefore I never get hurt no matter what happens.

 

I want to thank everyone here. I am really happy no one has flamed the thread or be super rude. I really do value everything here. In fact, I may actually share with my boyfriend after we chat and decide what to do so that he has a sense of where everything is and what I am thinking too. In case I cannot cover it in our chat. This includes the scenario where we part ways. Like I said previously, for me, ignorance is not bliss.

Edited August 13, 2017 by ICarrotBoutYou

[ICarrotBoutYou]

The root cause is that he is only 25 and he is spending a lot of his life essentially celibate and jerking off, when he could be hugging and having sex with a real live woman every night of the week.

 

He is also not on any career path as he has opted out to go work with his father and now he is making plans to see the world.

He does not fit into your or your family's sense of what an "ideal" man should look like, and I guess he doesn't want to fit into that "ideal" either, not now anyway.

Try again in 5-10 years maybe, maybe not...

 

You are trying to shove a round peg into a square hole.

You know your family would be appalled if they knew the truth about him, and he doesn't actually want to fit himself into that square hole either.

You are on your own there.

You have written a love story in your head, which is now unravelling before your eyes and you are now desperately trying to rationalise recent events.

 

My advice is to let him go.

 

 

Yes for most but no for the love story. I don't believe in fairytales and in actual fact, I do plan for the future but the guy I spend it with has never been set in stone. I can truthfully say, I always wish it is with the person I am dating, but I can never truly form an image for the future. So far, the images were all illustrated by him.

 

I have mentioned I wanted a puppy and what breed, where I think I'd like to live and so forth but that's just to get a sense of where we are heading throughout the relationship. I take the stand to never NEED a guy, I should WANT the guy. So really, I would have no problem ending the relationship should it be needed for our own personal growth. My grievance periods are short anyway probably due to all the mental preparation and rationalising. With all that said, I also want to give it a fair chance. I will not walk away from him for an issue that I did not try to resolve or at least try my best to. If I put in everything and I still have to walk away, I will walk away but take pride in knowing I did everything I could. I don't like regrets, I just don't want to walk away and then think back and tell myself, if only.

[diddilybop]

ICarrotBoutYou, i'm sorry, i'm going to give you some tough love here but after all our advice, why are you here and asking for our insight and advice? why are you STILL defending him? it seems to me that you've already made the decision to stay with him even though you two aren't on the same page at all. this relationship is making you miserable and you know it! you deserve what you want in love and a relationship.

 

the other posters and i have all come to same conclusion that it's time for you to stop overanalyzing things, over reasoning and to move on. plain and simple. i know feelings, relationships and emotions aren't always plain and simple but one should never wish for the potential in their partner or hold onto the "what ifs" and "if onlys" in a relationship that isn't making you happy. you can't hope for him to change and want the same things you want in the future and vice versa. ifs, maybe, and hopefullys aren't enough here.you can either take our advice seriously or stop trying to get us to feed you assurance that hopefully, by waiting, everything's going to be ok by staying with him.

Edited August 13, 2017 by diddilybop

[Els]

So far, you've probably have the best understanding of my feelings (overall). Unless he is able to honestly convince me otherwise, I really do feel like that right now. That we've got very different priorities and though we are compatible in many ways (sex, hobbies and overall chemistry), there are some things that we cannot seem to compromise on. I am a calculative and rational thinker. Not to say he is always rash but I don't think he sees consequences the same way I do. I plan for the worst and hope for the best, he thinks only about the best and hopes the worst never happens. I do not know if this is just a different take in life but for me I find it a too childlike to handle.

 

The reason commitment is important to me is that I realise no one wakes up one day (unless you've got a silver spoon in your mouth), buys a condo, a car and start an education fund for their children. Even if I'm not planning to have that family in another 10 years, for me, it starts now. For him, it's like, I'll handle it when we get there cause right now, it's just really not important. This may be why it seems like a commitment problem, I cannot be sure of it right now. We really do need to sit down and discuss. Again, a lot of input are from females so I can't tell if this is the female versus male brain issue.

 

To be honest, I don't think this is a male vs female issue. It seems like, first and foremost, a case of two individual personalities being incompatible... and secondly, a cultural difference. The mindset you describe yourself as having is very typical of East Asian cultures. And frankly French and Chinese cultures are as polar opposite as you get. This is not to say that cross cultural relationships cannot work, simply that they take a LOT more individual compatibility to stand a chance. Both of you would need to be cultural outliers and conveniently overlap on the important stuff for it to work. That is clearly not the case here.

 

I get that you are just trying to gather your thoughts at the moment, so I won't try and push you to leave. But I do hope that you will eventually decide to seek someone more compatible.

[ICarrotBoutYou]

ICarrotBoutYou, i'm sorry, i'm going to give you some tough love here but after all our advice, why are you here and asking for our insight and advice? why are you STILL defending him? it seems to me that you've already made the decision to stay with him even though you two aren't on the same page at all. this relationship is making you miserable and you know it! you deserve what you want in love and a relationship.

 

the other posters and i have all come to same conclusion that it's time for you to stop overanalyzing things, over reasoning and to move on. plain and simple. i know feelings, relationships and emotions aren't always plain and simple but one should never wish for the potential in their partner or hold onto the "what ifs" and "if onlys" in a relationship that isn't making you happy. you can't hope for him to change and want the same things you want in the future and vice versa. ifs, maybe, and hopefullys aren't enough here.you can either take our advice seriously or stop trying to get us to feed you assurance that hopefully, by waiting, everything's going to be ok by staying with him.

 

 

I am just looking at it from both sides. I have always been overanalytical but we are discussing ending a relationship so I'd like to think it should be given enough thought before actually carrying out the sentence. I defend him where I feel he should be given benefit of doubt. In fact, we just had a long chat although (not face-to-face) and I just ended it. I am not blind to the what ifs and if onlys. Some people tend to get back with their ex and patch things up but for me, if it doesn't work out once, it's most likely never going to work. I just needed to be entirely sure.

[ICarrotBoutYou]

To be honest, I don't think this is a male vs female issue. It seems like, first and foremost, a case of two individual personalities being incompatible... and secondly, a cultural difference. The mindset you describe yourself as having is very typical of East Asian cultures. And frankly French and Chinese cultures are as polar opposite as you get. This is not to say that cross cultural relationships cannot work, simply that they take a LOT more individual compatibility to stand a chance. Both of you would need to be cultural outliers and conveniently overlap on the important stuff for it to work. That is clearly not the case here.

 

I get that you are just trying to gather your thoughts at the moment, so I won't try and push you to leave. But I do hope that you will eventually decide to seek someone more compatible.

 

 

Yes. He is not really good at expressing his emotions. He refuses to get in touch with it. I tried to get him to talk to me about it and really lay it down but I still don't think he is able to do it. He openly admitted that he does not want to either because it would make him fragile. If there's a problem and one chooses not to see the problem or fix it, I don't see a solution anymore. I ended it. I am very willing to invest and work on it for him, I was going to give him everything and the best I could possibly give but he did not want it. I am sad but not for the same reason as a regular break up. Sad that I met him at the wrong period in his life. He mentioned that he wants to live his life 100% because he only lives once. I told him that he only gets to choose a single person to love the same way for life. In the end, I don't think I mattered enough for him to work for me. It's alright, live and learn. Or live and die whichever comes first.

[ICarrotBoutYou]

I already ended it because of reasons stated in the above post.

 

Thanks to everyone for the input, advice and encouragement. I felt the need to show my gratitude because everyone took time to help. If it seemed like I was not listening, it's really not that. I just like to view it in totality. I don't like to pick on one item and go with that as a good reason to ditch a relationship.

 

I was mentally prepared so as usual, I will not be bawling myself out. I'll more likely go through a period of x months of mild crying.

 

Next time, I'll get it right. Hopefully, third time's the charm.

[Els]

I already ended it because of reasons stated in the above post.

 

Thanks to everyone for the input, advice and encouragement. I felt the need to show my gratitude because everyone took time to help. If it seemed like I was not listening, it's really not that. I just like to view it in totality. I don't like to pick on one item and go with that as a good reason to ditch a relationship.

 

I was mentally prepared so as usual, I will not be bawling myself out. I'll more likely go through a period of x months of mild crying.

 

Next time, I'll get it right. Hopefully, third time's the charm.

 

Glad you ended it! Congratulations. I sincerely think you did the right thing for yourself.

 

I am sure it won't be too difficult for you to find a man who's happy to be in a monogamous R with you in the future.