Relationship : Should I wait for him or walk away?

[ICarrotBoutYou]

Not sure if this is relevant in any way but my boyfriend is French and I am Chinese. We don't always see eye to eye because of cultural differences but that has never been a huge issue. An example is that though I do not like and sometimes disagree, I will listen to my family and give them some say in my relationship. My boyfriend seemed to be offended by this and cannot accept this. He has stated on many occasions that no parent of his would ever have a say in his relationship. In over a year together, we have never had a major argument, we normally talk things out. However, this time he hurt me a lot.

 

Currently, my boyfriend is on a month vacation overseas. Yesterday night, he wrote to me telling me that he loves me and wants me to be happy. This was odd because he normally does not say I love you. So far, he has only ever said that he loved me a couple times. He followed up on this by stating that he has been thinking about whether he wants a future with me and he reassured me that he does but he would like to travel the world and enjoy his freedom. For the past year, we were in a long distance relationship which never seemed to be an issue for both of us. However, yesterday, he told me that he has had a difficult time because he was unable to have sexual intercourse with me and remaining celibate while he travels is apparently no longer an option. Now, he wants to change our status to an open relationship.

 

Normally, this would not upset me because I am open to such things. The problem and what worries me is the sudden change in perspective from his end. In the past, I have stated that I am ok with an open relationship but he has always been against it because he was not keen to “share” me with anyone else. I cannot understand why the sudden change of heart. No matter how many people we may have in our sex life, I always envisioned myself being emotionally loyal to him. For him, the reason he wants to open our relationship is to give me the opportunity to find someone “better” as he feels he cannot give me what I need or want. On top of that, he stated that he feels selfish because he is asking me to stay with him while he goes exploring the world and living his life. It really hurt because it showed me that despite my support for him leaving his job to pursue something totally irrelevant to his studies and placing him as my top priority, I am not his. Although I always say that I would never pick my boyfriend over my family, I hid the fact that my boyfriend will be working for his father and be unpaid for I do not know how long (I cannot stress how important it is to a Chinese family that a man is self-sustaining and able to provide for the woman he loves). If he truly loved me, why not just work harder to be that “ideal” man for me? I do not really ask for much from him, just a man with a stable income who loves me. I do not understand where this is coming from. How can he tell me that I am the best girlfriend he will probably ever have and he does not want to pass me up yet do exactly that?

 

I pointed out that I felt he is immature and has commitment issues. I also told him that it is unfair that he does this to me after raising my hopes talking about having a puppy and a home with me. I stated that he feels that he is being selfish because he is. I feel that he does not want to come to terms with it himself so he is trying to formulate ways to ease his guilt and save his conscience. He became defensive and brushed it off. I have never pressured him for marriage or whatever though of course that is always the end goal. I have also gathered a sense of his commitment issues from the past because he has mentioned that in France people do remain together for decades without marriage. Although this is never an issue for me, my traditional family would never accept this and I have already told him early on in the relationship. We are both in our mid-20’s and I feel that I may be more matured in this sense than he is. Both of us have failed 4-year relationships with someone else. From my past experience, I’d sooner end it and heal than to prolong the pain. I do not want to invest my feelings and time in something ultimately doomed to fail.

 

He also knows I am currently having a really difficult time (estranged brother) so I cannot understand why he chose to unload this onto me right now. A part of me feels that he is being insensitive and just deliberately out to hurt me although another part of myself tells me that it can’t be true. Right now, I feel like I am just there so that he always has something to fall back on. No matter how many times he claims it isn’t so and tells me he loves me, I cannot bring myself to believe it. I tried explaining to him that real love is much more than the basic passion, respect and trust. It’s also about commitment, sacrifices and selflessness. Can you really love someone and put them on the back-burner? According to him, his sacrifice and selflessness is allowing me to meet other people and perhaps find someone else and be happy. I am happy with him but I don't get why he doesn't see it. If I could find true happiness elsewhere, shouldn't I just pack up and leave already?

 

There are a few things I am quite certain of. He supports me and believes in me even when I am down and depressed. I know he has never cheated on me. I do believe he loves me but I feel that his love is immature and closer to infatuation than real love. Even though he does not always make me feel special because he does not value celebrations, he shows he cares in small ways like making frequent trips to see me and spend time with me. I am really confused as to whether there is any future with him. I used to think I would some day settle down and have a home somewhere and throughout our time together, he made it seem like he wanted to be a part of that picture. I have never been a controlling girlfriend, I like to believe I am not the type to get jealous either although I can joke about it, I have never stopped him from travelling or enjoying life so I just cannot comprehend why this is happening. Why am I placed below everything else in his life including his plans to travel the world and enjoy his own brand of freedom? If I was always initially not important to him, then why tell me now so late into our relationship?

 

Initially, I wanted to take a break but I know myself better and the chance of that working out would be highly unlikely. I am not the kind to build trust easily and once shattered, nothing can fix it. If I do take a break from him, I will likely grow apart from him and there is nothing he could do or say to make me love him the same way again.

 

As I see it right now, I have two choices, to wait for him to grow and mature or to cut my losses and start healing. Has anyone ever faced anything like this? How should I handle this? I cried the entire night after that and I could not sleep. My mom sensed something wrong with me today but I said nothing since my boyfriend will be coming to stay with us after his trip before he goes back to France. I slept the entire afternoon and now that I am up, I feel like all my emotions have been drained. I have been hurt before in other ways and so I am not a person who easily falls in love or gives others unconditional love. In fact, I am very practical when it comes to these things. I know it will hurt but I also know that I should not spend every ounce of what I have on someone who will not cherish me the same way. I will be doing my postgraduate degree in the UK so my boyfriend and I actually had plans to travel London together for a day or two before he goes back to Paris. Our flight is already booked so there is not much I can do about that. He seems to think that after this, we could still continue having a normal relationship of some sort. I don't even think he knows the gravity of what he has started. I honestly wonder if he understands that he has not only broke my heart but my trust for him, my hopes for our future together and so much more.

 

Advice?

 

Please be respectful and kind with your words. I had a pretty awful experience on relationship forums. Comments do not have to be rude or snide.

 

Also, mods, sorry I posted in the general forums, I didn't realise there was a dating sub-forum and I do not know how to move the thread.

Edited August 12, 2017 by ICarrotBoutYou

[act00]

I read through the post, but admittedly I pretty much lost any other input of yours after the end of the second paragraph and the third.

 

Dump this guy and move on.

 

He doesn't want to be with you anymore, or he doesn't want to be exclusive, loyal, and monogamous...a future together. He wants to play the field and he doesn't want a relationship with you...or with anyone, maybe, but he's done with you. He stated he wants to make this an "open relationship," but then he goes on to put the burden and guilt on you by self-deprecation of himself -- he's not good enough for you. He can't be what he's supposed to be. You can do better than him...ad nauseum. What does this make you do? It makes you coddle him and assure him that he's all you want and you'll be patient, etc.

 

And then you get the "I told you so" when he finds someone else.

 

This is purely subconscious because he does care about you, but doesn't necessarily want you long-term and in the future, and there's a comfort to keeping you orbiting as a friend (and a lover) while playing around, guilt-free, and he's plopping all of this on you, and eventually he'll find someone else and leave you in the dust.

 

He's making you be the bad guy. He wants YOU to break it off, but I suspect he is unsure of losing you entirely and it scares him.

 

You have to be the bad guy. I don't care how "open" you are to various relationship scenarios; he is pretty much ending your relationship, but he's leaving you to pull the plug, officially. He is begging you to pull the plug in his passive-aggressive, lead you on, sort of way.

 

His self-deprecation that he's not good enough and you deserve better and can find better takes the guilt of his choices and desires off of him and plants them squarely on your lap.

 

He has hinted...take the hint.

 

(((Hugs))) Move on.

 

You DO deserve better. You CAN find better.

[elaine567]

For him, the reason he wants to open our relationship is to give me the opportunity to find someone “better” as he feels he cannot give me what I need or want.

Yeah sure...

According to him, his sacrifice and selflessness is allowing me to meet other people and perhaps find someone else and be happy.

What sacrifice and selflessness??? He wants to f___ other women...

 

However, yesterday, he told me that he has had a difficult time because he was unable to have sexual intercourse with me and remaining celibate while he travels is apparently no longer an option.

^^ this^^

He wants to be free and having a gf at home is not what he wants.

 

Do not wait, no point.

[smackie9]

Sorry but after reading the second paragraph I bust out laughing. Your BF is such a bull s^%$$#$. You believe all that crap he said???

 

He's has already had funtime with someone else, liked it now and is trying to cut you loose, but not trying to look like the bad guy in all this.

He's not being immature, it's a hard fact you two are not compatible. It is wrong of you to expect a man to change to suit your needs and wants. You need to find a man that already suits your needs and wants....that's what we call fulling expectations. He doesn't do that and never really did. You just based your relationship on your desire to be with him, not realizing there would be complications.

 

You two are simply not a match. You are best to move on, and be more selective in who you invest in....choose more wisely.

[ICarrotBoutYou]

Firstly, I think that the post should be read in entirety before answering otherwise you will never have a clear understanding of the issue at hand. I am a very good judge of character and I have a heart of steel for a lady. Even if it's like ripping a bandaid off a wound, I will have no problem dropping a guy. I am not one to be blinded by love which is why I am actually analysing the entire issue.

 

Now to address a few concerns raised in the comments...

 

 

1. I recognise that men have sexual desires and I am completely ok with that. In fact, I am very sexually open about many things short of mostly illegal stuff. I highly doubt he has had sex with others. As I've mentioned, I do not control him and I have told him from the very beginning, if he wanted other women, I'd be open to it. He has no reason to cheat. He has never lied to me and since he honestly doesn't have a reason to, this is quite unlikely.

 

2. I don't expect him to change at all. In fact, it's the sudden change that is worrisome. Talking about changing our status over a year into a relationship versus starting out polyamorous is not the same.

 

 

3. When I stated that he's immature, I simply meant he's uncertain about his own feelings and committal issues.

 

 

4. I'm not depressed or sad or angry. In fact, the people responding seem far more agitated. I'm very logical and calculative (like in a game of chess not money) so I am simply breaking it down to understand it better. I don't think he's the arse you think he is. I whole-heartedly believe he does love me but not in the way that would work out for a long-term relationship.

 

 

My main questions are rather is he in a state of infatuation or love? Is it a commitment issue? He seems to think we have a different understanding of love but I disagree on that. I believe you can show it differently but there are certain key criteria that make up love. Should I go for an open relationship (most likely will not turn out well for him)? Talk it out and either wait for him to mature (if it's a commitment problem) or end it?

Edited August 12, 2017 by ICarrotBoutYou

[ICarrotBoutYou]

I read through the post, but admittedly I pretty much lost any other input of yours after the end of the second paragraph and the third.

 

Dump this guy and move on.

 

He doesn't want to be with you anymore, or he doesn't want to be exclusive, loyal, and monogamous...a future together. He wants to play the field and he doesn't want a relationship with you...or with anyone, maybe, but he's done with you. He stated he wants to make this an "open relationship," but then he goes on to put the burden and guilt on you by self-deprecation of himself -- he's not good enough for you. He can't be what he's supposed to be. You can do better than him...ad nauseum. What does this make you do? It makes you coddle him and assure him that he's all you want and you'll be patient, etc.

 

And then you get the "I told you so" when he finds someone else.

 

This is purely subconscious because he does care about you, but doesn't necessarily want you long-term and in the future, and there's a comfort to keeping you orbiting as a friend (and a lover) while playing around, guilt-free, and he's plopping all of this on you, and eventually he'll find someone else and leave you in the dust.

 

He's making you be the bad guy. He wants YOU to break it off, but I suspect he is unsure of losing you entirely and it scares him.

 

You have to be the bad guy. I don't care how "open" you are to various relationship scenarios; he is pretty much ending your relationship, but he's leaving you to pull the plug, officially. He is begging you to pull the plug in his passive-aggressive, lead you on, sort of way.

 

His self-deprecation that he's not good enough and you deserve better and can find better takes the guilt of his choices and desires off of him and plants them squarely on your lap.

 

He has hinted...take the hint.

 

(((Hugs))) Move on.

 

You DO deserve better. You CAN find better.

 

 

 

Thank you, by far the most helpful. I share some of your sentiments. Not all but I did tell him that I will not have him place the responsibility on me and letting him walk guilt-free. I'm waiting for him to get back because I will not be made the bad guy. At least not literally. Even if I do break it off, I will certainly ensure he knows he's responsible and he's the reason.

 

 

The confusing part is throughout the relationship and even up until yesterday he talked about that future with me. He wants that dog and that home though he cannot envision where it would be. He also stated the reason he feels he's selfish is he wants to be with me even in an open relationship because he doesn't think he can find someone better. I know some people will judge this and say that's selfish but I'm going to be blatantly honest, lots of people do this. It can be deemed morally wrong or whatever but it's human nature. In his defence, he's being honest which is better than lying in my books. This is confusing because I really don't think he's the type to try to lead me on. I really, really, sincerely feel that he's just so confused about his own feelings.

 

 

It's like a person who wants to be a doctor and a fashion designer at the same time. It's not possible to do both but still there's that yearning for that ideal, anything is possible dream.

[diddilybop]

this is classic case of a guy who "wants to have his cake and eat it too". he's being selfish here and coming to you with this proposition so he won't feel guilty about his current wants and needs on this vacation while keeping you around on the sidelines. he can't keep it in his freakin' pouch for a month?! believe the nerve of this dude.

 

if you're cool with this, by all means, do it but i think you (and i think you know this too) that you deserve much more and much better.

Edited August 12, 2017 by diddilybop

[ICarrotBoutYou]

this is classic case of a guy who "wants to have his cake and eat it too". he's being selfish here and coming to you with this proposition so he won't feel guilty about his current wants and needs on this vacation while keeping you around on the sidelines. he can't keep it in his freakin' pouch for a month?! believe the nerve of this dude.

 

if you're cool with this, by all means, do it but i think you (and i think you know this too) that you deserve much more and much better.

 

 

 

He isn't referring to this current vacation. He's talking about the future. We have been long distance for about a year so we've both been travelling back and forth (every 1-2 months) and we're very active sexually (not just him, I also have a pretty high sex drive). The difference is I don't need a partner to satisfy myself. I enjoy having him but it's not a killer without him. He's French so their take on sex is more open and I understand sexual intimacy is a big deal to him. Totally fine with that too. Not cool part is keeping me on the sidelines and perhaps misplaced priorities.

 

 

The reason he probably wants to have an open relationship is because we both have high sex drives. He knows it won't work out with me moving to London and him moving back to France. However, trying to build his case by telling me I could find someone better, is a terribly constructed reason. This makes me wonder why he's saying this. Why does he feel the need to even come up with a reason or excuse? Does he have commitment issues? Does he honestly believe that and why? Insecurities? Even if we do break up, I sense he lacks some emotional maturity which makes me feel like it is my obligation to find out why and to fix it so that if he ever dates someone else, he would never have the same problem. Sweeping is under the rug is not my style.

Edited August 12, 2017 by ICarrotBoutYou

[Whodatdog]

Just a few points that seem minor, but may seem major to him. You said that he should work harder to be an "ideal" man to you, and that you would never choose him over your family. Its hard for me to gloss over that; some men would take that very seriously, that you arent accepting him for who he is, and that he will always be second to your family. It may be a serious issue to him, or it may not be. I know men to whom that would be a deal breaker as far as a committed relationship.

[smackie9]

Your analytical mind is making this more complex than it really is.

 

Right now all you are doing is putting things into equations and coming up with assumptions.

 

We know he is NOT confused about anything. He has come to a decision that he wants to have sex with others. You opened that can of worms ages ago telling him that it was an option available to him. He has taken up your offer of an open relationship, and now you are back peddling because it makes you nervous. You say it's ok with you to have an open relationship, but you contradict yourself coming up with all these excuses like he doesn't know what he wants, he has a different idea about commitment, you now feel a future isn't possible.

 

I know what's happening...you feel devalued because he wants to go out and hit other women's va jayjays and that doesn't bode well with you. Just admit it. This bothers you. He's kicked you off that pedestal he had you on to go chase some skirt.

Edited August 12, 2017 by smackie9

[act00]

You're making excuses for him. He's done with this relationship. He wants you to dump him so that he doesn't have to do it. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. He'll talk about "open relationships" and what-not, and self-deprecate as an act of you attending to his poor, wounded soul, and keep you fluffing up his ego and assuring him that you're totally okay with him screwing around. It's his "nature," after all. You are walking straight into this. He's getting permission from you to screw around, and it's veiled as his being unworthy of you!

 

And then some day, he'll meet that girl that he wants to have the house with and the dog, and he will make it happen, and he will dump you. He passively made it possible for you to walk away...and you didn't take the hint.

 

All talk, no action.

 

Family pressure can be a big deal-breaker too, and I'm not clear on what those dynamics are, but something obviously isn't working.

[diddilybop]

Your analytical mind is making this more complex than it really is.

 

Right now all you are doing is putting things into equations and coming up with assumptions.

 

We know he is NOT confused about anything. He has come to a decision that he wants to have sex with others. You opened that can of worms ages ago telling him that it was an option available to him. He has taken up your offer of an open relationship, and now you are back peddling because it makes you nervous. You say it's ok with you to have an open relationship, but you contradict yourself coming up with all these excuses like he doesn't know what he wants, he has a different idea about commitment, you now feel a future isn't possible.

 

I know what's happening...you feel devalued because he wants to go out and hit other women's va jayjays and that doesn't bode well with you. Just admit it. This bothers you. He's kicked you off that pedestal he had you on to go chase some skirt.

 

EXACTLY this.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what has happened. I am not sure it is fair to call your boyfriend immature. It just sounds like he does not want to be tied down yet. Your cultural background means he would have to make a heavy commitment. Maybe it all seems too daunting for him and he wants something less demanding. He does not think he is ready (or is not willing) to meet your family's expectations. I'm afraid he is opting out of all the expectations. Also, he does not wish to remain celibate.

 

There would not be a good time for him to opt out so I don't feel that he has willingly picked a bad time or anything. He has probably been thinking about this for some time and knows how upset you will be.

 

I suppose this is partly a culture clash but more that he does not want expectations placed upon him. I can't say I blame him. Maybe you do need someone who shares your expectations. He does not seem to share them.

 

You could take a break from him but quite honestly, he is not ready for the life you want and there is no guarantee he will be. He might want the same as you in a year or two or he might not. He is signalling now that it is not something he wants in his immediate future. I think you would be best to consider the relationship over and to seek someone who shares your goals and timescale.

Edited August 12, 2017 by spiderowl

[maxi105]

hi there, sorry - I'm afraid I'm another one that didn't read your post in full!!!! but its not to disrespect your thoughts, Its just the way things have gone; however - after reading the very short bit I did read and then to go on to read your update"your post should preferably be read in full etc" ..I'm afraid (despite your request to be read in full) i tend to agree with the marjority of sentiments already expressed - regarding this issue.

 

so I will say in advance, sincere apologies if I have missed key points in your post that show without doubt that I have not given your points due consideration.

 

but having said all of that...again from what i can gather; I'm not sure this relationship is really worth pursuing for that much longer!!!!...that doesn't mean that if you don't want to keep trying for change you cant...you can do what you want considering you know this person and we don't!!! however - in only reading 2 paragraphs it seems like others have also mentioned that he is trying to let you down gently and I cant help wondering whether this person may already have another personal interest set up in his mind (at best)...in only his mind!

 

if you want to keep trying with this man then fair enough, good luck to you; but someone who is wishing you to be happy when they are going out with you already and is asking for an open relationship sounds like someone who has already found another who he feels more compatible with than you sadly.

 

a good working open relationship surely is the sort of thing that people come together to agree on either at the start or in time together (ideally) and are both 100% comfortable with, not one person suggesting it and the other is forced to be the agreeable partner out of some kind of loyalty show or possible fear of losing that person altogether.

 

are you being honest with your thoughts about him and what he brings to your relationship "right now"??? (only you will know if you think back on how things really are now - especially now this has come out into the open). so maybe think honestly before jumping back on line to tell us we are agitated etc... if what any of us are saying has jarred you...

 

im sure NO ONE here means to upset you or make total fun of your situation; but the replies do seem to have a common feel amongst them that all seem to question whether the relationship is compatible at the moment....people are responding honestly to you.so I hope you can take something positive from it all.

 

travelling and exploring often give peoples rose tinted ideals (and usually there is no harm in that) it can also offer intense excitement for being away from home and the drudgery of everyday things, people are more open, relaxed and can be easily seduced by fresh adventures and the people they meet...I don't think its the Chinese/French thing that is the real problem here, I think the problem is he sounds like he has outgrown the relationship as it is (even if you are still together) it sounds like he sees it as something that has become rather stale and I suspect he is bored with it all.

 

it sounds maybe like he wants to travel again and explore the fun and the thrill of meeting others...and I think the thing for him right now is the key word: & unfortunately for you could be the reality of it all is the whole concept of the thrill of "others"!!!

 

what do you think you will get from having an open relationship? it sounds like if you agree he will drift from you even quicker!!!! and I'm wondering if there is already someone he wants permission to see!!!

 

I'm sure you will do whatever you think is the right thing for you as your reply has bits of courage and self assurance in it etc.. but I also felt bits of defiance (that I'm not sure i was totally always convinced by) in your reply!!!! sorry...

 

I also think that in situations like this one, you can control only so much!!!!! and again I'm afraid - that comes across as well (and it has read as uncertainty from you)...which is why I'm not sure this situation is a genuine long term winner for you...I could be wrong and you have every right to celebrate (and id have no doubt you would let me know if I was wrong) if I am, but I'm just writing what I see from a very short viewpoint.

 

I'm not trying to knock you down or be snide to you, but I think if I were in your position I would want to know if he feels tired of me straight away; and if he did and it had been for some time - I would want to walk away, even if it hurt me;

 

if he is tired of you???, it is only going to hurt you anyway in the end; so maybe it might be the stronger thing to do now or be prepared to do so in the not too distant future and to walk away whilst you have the courage and strength (you say you have) to do that.

 

not everyone is that strong, so if you are, it might be worth thinking about this to save yourself future heartbreak: if he does have someone else in mind or plans to travel again and meet people that he feels are more in his relationship desire; isnt that better for you to just accept that you no longer are his only desire or wish for exclusivity, than delaying what might already be something that could be in danger of quickening something that is no longer in his heart for you.

 

this shouldn't be seen as a bad reflection on you as a person, you sound more than capable to deal with whatever must happen (good or bad), but whatever you make of all of this; don't shy away from at least thinking about what people here on this forum are saying: even if it means that you can meet someone who is more committed to you in the long run.

 

you don't say how old you are? not that that matters really; but I'm guessing you are the sort of age/person where it will be pretty easy to meet people socially and you are able to meet the sorts of people that offer you different sorts of experiences, so maybe you should think seriously where this relationship is heading...if you think it is still able to really go forward with him in the way you'd like...and he with you...and that really is the question here...does he want to be with you????

 

if you BOTH have an open relationship, what are you going to do if he see's someone more than you and eventually decides he will go on holiday with them (or stranger than that ..both of you!!!!!!), what happens if he starts talking about them more or and spending more time with them, ..can you handle that? something tells me you are not as happy with the thought of an open relationship as it might appear, even in reading just a short part of your post and reply.

 

good luck with whatever happens in this situation. just be willing to look into your heart honestly!

 

only you know if he really does love you and he is making you happy still - ...now you know what you know!

 

and ps...if you are waiting for him to mature????? don't... he is telling you in his own slightly insecure but strangely mature way that he wants more than this situation is giving him.

 

be honest with us????...don't you ever feel that you want more than this situation too? now he has told you what he has???

 

sorry if this isn't the answer you were looking for, but I'm just saying what I feel from what ive read. its an honest reply; and the replies here seem to have come from people who have experience of honesty also. so good luck again, I hope you find a greater sense of hope in the future and your faith in relationship is restored in time(if you still feel your trust has been broken). cheers, maxi.

[ICarrotBoutYou]

hi there, sorry - I'm afraid I'm another one that didn't read your post in full!!!! but its not to disrespect your thoughts, Its just the way things have gone; however - after reading the very short bit I did read and then to go on to read your update"your post should preferably be read in full etc" ..I'm afraid (despite your request to be read in full) i tend to agree with the marjority of sentiments already expressed - regarding this issue.

 

so I will say in advance, sincere apologies if I have missed key points in your post that show without doubt that I have not given your points due consideration.

 

but having said all of that...again from what i can gather; I'm not sure this relationship is really worth pursuing for that much longer!!!!...that doesn't mean that if you don't want to keep trying for change you cant...you can do what you want considering you know this person and we don't!!! however - in only reading 2 paragraphs it seems like others have also mentioned that he is trying to let you down gently and I cant help wondering whether this person may already have another personal interest set up in his mind (at best)...in only his mind!

 

if you want to keep trying with this man then fair enough, good luck to you; but someone who is wishing you to be happy when they are going out with you already and is asking for an open relationship sounds like someone who has already found another who he feels more compatible with than you sadly.

 

a good working open relationship surely is the sort of thing that people come together to agree on either at the start or in time together (ideally) and are both 100% comfortable with, not one person suggesting it and the other is forced to be the agreeable partner out of some kind of loyalty show or possible fear of losing that person altogether.

 

are you being honest with your thoughts about him and what he brings to your relationship "right now"??? (only you will know if you think back on how things really are now - especially now this has come out into the open). so maybe think honestly before jumping back on line to tell us we are agitated etc... if what any of us are saying has jarred you...

 

im sure NO ONE here means to upset you or make total fun of your situation; but the replies do seem to have a common feel amongst them that all seem to question whether the relationship is compatible at the moment....people are responding honestly to you.so I hope you can take something positive from it all.

 

travelling and exploring often give peoples rose tinted ideals (and usually there is no harm in that) it can also offer intense excitement for being away from home and the drudgery of everyday things, people are more open, relaxed and can be easily seduced by fresh adventures and the people they meet...I don't think its the Chinese/French thing that is the real problem here, I think the problem is he sounds like he has outgrown the relationship as it is (even if you are still together) it sounds like he sees it as something that has become rather stale and I suspect he is bored with it all.

 

it sounds maybe like he wants to travel again and explore the fun and the thrill of meeting others...and I think the thing for him right now is the key word: & unfortunately for you could be the reality of it all is the whole concept of the thrill of "others"!!!

 

what do you think you will get from having an open relationship? it sounds like if you agree he will drift from you even quicker!!!! and I'm wondering if there is already someone he wants permission to see!!!

 

I'm sure you will do whatever you think is the right thing for you as your reply has bits of courage and self assurance in it etc.. but I also felt bits of defiance (that I'm not sure i was totally always convinced by) in your reply!!!! sorry...

 

I also think that in situations like this one, you can control only so much!!!!! and again I'm afraid - that comes across as well (and it has read as uncertainty from you)...which is why I'm not sure this situation is a genuine long term winner for you...I could be wrong and you have every right to celebrate (and id have no doubt you would let me know if I was wrong) if I am, but I'm just writing what I see from a very short viewpoint.

 

I'm not trying to knock you down or be snide to you, but I think if I were in your position I would want to know if he feels tired of me straight away; and if he did and it had been for some time - I would want to walk away, even if it hurt me;

 

if he is tired of you???, it is only going to hurt you anyway in the end; so maybe it might be the stronger thing to do now or be prepared to do so in the not too distant future and to walk away whilst you have the courage and strength (you say you have) to do that.

 

not everyone is that strong, so if you are, it might be worth thinking about this to save yourself future heartbreak: if he does have someone else in mind or plans to travel again and meet people that he feels are more in his relationship desire; isnt that better for you to just accept that you no longer are his only desire or wish for exclusivity, than delaying what might already be something that could be in danger of quickening something that is no longer in his heart for you.

 

this shouldn't be seen as a bad reflection on you as a person, you sound more than capable to deal with whatever must happen (good or bad), but whatever you make of all of this; don't shy away from at least thinking about what people here on this forum are saying: even if it means that you can meet someone who is more committed to you in the long run.

 

you don't say how old you are? not that that matters really; but I'm guessing you are the sort of age/person where it will be pretty easy to meet people socially and you are able to meet the sorts of people that offer you different sorts of experiences, so maybe you should think seriously where this relationship is heading...if you think it is still able to really go forward with him in the way you'd like...and he with you...and that really is the question here...does he want to be with you????

 

if you BOTH have an open relationship, what are you going to do if he see's someone more than you and eventually decides he will go on holiday with them (or stranger than that ..both of you!!!!!!), what happens if he starts talking about them more or and spending more time with them, ..can you handle that? something tells me you are not as happy with the thought of an open relationship as it might appear, even in reading just a short part of your post and reply.

 

good luck with whatever happens in this situation. just be willing to look into your heart honestly!

 

only you know if he really does love you and he is making you happy still - ...now you know what you know!

 

and ps...if you are waiting for him to mature????? don't... he is telling you in his own slightly insecure but strangely mature way that he wants more than this situation is giving him.

 

be honest with us????...don't you ever feel that you want more than this situation too? now he has told you what he has???

 

sorry if this isn't the answer you were looking for, but I'm just saying what I feel from what ive read. its an honest reply; and the replies here seem to have come from people who have experience of honesty also. so good luck again, I hope you find a greater sense of hope in the future and your faith in relationship is restored in time(if you still feel your trust has been broken). cheers, maxi.

 

 

Today we talked over text again because unlike him, I am not one to make rash decisions. Yes, I am calculative but it stems from my profession. I'm in science. It's also very difficult to get advice and explain in full since no one has actually been with him but myself so I am just getting input from various sources to make a better decision. When I say snide remarks, I mean people trying to psychoanalyze me or him. I know why some people may come to that kind of a conclusion but I would prefer something constructive and actually helpful and as I have repeatedly mentioned that I truly believe he is not cheating, I feel I should be given some benefit of doubt.

 

Quoted from him, "No sex for me for months is very hard. I will be working my ass off so it's going to be a need even more. I am not replacing you. You're still the best I have ever had in sex, mostly because you are so generous and we connect. I am just asking that you don't let me jerk off 3 months in a row. How could you think I was replacing you? Are you mad at me? I just thought you would always be cool with potentially having an open relationship. Never meant to hurt you."

 

I am no longer hurt or upset for those who think I am thinking emotionally, I really am not. I get over grief very easily like a robot. I've trained for a long time.

 

I gave him the ultimate choice anyway. Either we take a break (essentially an open relationship) and he can test the waters for 6 months with the understanding I can no longer love him the same as before if he does come back (simply because I no longer feel I am as important to him as prior to this incident) or we end it completely.

 

Yes, I do categorise the types of relationships I go into. I am open to having different types of relationships but, ultimately, if I do marry, I am not keen to pick a guy who would still want to enjoy the benefits of an open relationship. It's not so much for me but for my family and future children. The fact that he talks about the future and etc, he wants to be a part of that so I always saw him as long-term material. In terms of priority, I would always put that one person above whatever other needs. For me, conceivably, the steps or levels would entering a relationship would be: open relationship -> steady open relationship -> steady and long-term monogamy. Right now, the problem is wanting to reverse it.

 

I did mention that I am in my mid-20's. I can understand why he wants to go and explore. We are both sociable but I happen to think I am more extroverted and comfortable in social settings than he is. He is quite introverted and though he has lived in Asia for quite some time, his circle of friends are few and they are all men. His housemates would have no problem disclosing information to me if he has seen any other women as we are all very close though I never bothered to check. However, I am 100% certain it is not other women. I believe part of the issue is that he feels shortchanged as I have lived in a few countries and I run in various circles although I am not as close-knit as he is with his friends. At one point, he did tell me that I have had the opportunity to travel and have fun which I suppose he feels envious about and he wants to have that same opportunity.

[ICarrotBoutYou]

I am sorry to hear what has happened. I am not sure it is fair to call your boyfriend immature. It just sounds like he does not want to be tied down yet. Your cultural background means he would have to make a heavy commitment. Maybe it all seems too daunting for him and he wants something less demanding. He does not think he is ready (or is not willing) to meet your family's expectations. I'm afraid he is opting out of all the expectations. Also, he does not wish to remain celibate.

 

There would not be a good time for him to opt out so I don't feel that he has willingly picked a bad time or anything. He has probably been thinking about this for some time and knows how upset you will be.

 

I suppose this is partly a culture clash but more that he does not want expectations placed upon him. I can't say I blame him. Maybe you do need someone who shares your expectations. He does not seem to share them.

 

You could take a break from him but quite honestly, he is not ready for the life you want and there is no guarantee he will be. He might want the same as you in a year or two or he might not. He is signalling now that it is not something he wants in his immediate future. I think you would be best to consider the relationship over and to seek someone who shares your goals and timescale.

 

I'd like to point out I clarified what I define as immaturity in an update. It's quite hard to really get everything out here because there's just so much I can express in words and as I keep thinking, my feelings about some things he has said could differ slightly over time.

 

I have never asked him to remain celibate at any point in time, he chose to out of wanting equal standing in the relationship. This was very early on in our relationship and that was when I asked if he wanted an open relationship and he said no, he never can and never will share me with anyone else. Therefore, we threw that idea out.

[maxi105]

thanks for the reply, and good luck with this situation, I'm sure you will both find your way in all of this. you seem strong from your posts and ive no doubt will meet the decisions you meet.

 

I still stand by what I said in my initial reply, I'm not sure it sounds like great compatibility for the long term, but what do I know...I don't know you or him, but I wish you both well.

 

the fact is that any dilemma on a forum is going to have peoples views and analysis to some degree, its all we can do if we don't know a person. as for the emotional side, again I am only picking up what I read, but that doesn't mean I'm right...or are saying categorically that you are a totally emotional person in every situation you face, I have identified with your inner strength and am wishing you good luck to you if this can work for you.im not sure it can without change and will to really work at things, but I am happy to be wrong.

 

if you want this relationship to work and you can make it work together then that's great:).

 

and of course I appreciate that a lot of these things are more complex than we know because we don't know the true situation; and as i said earlier - I don't believe anyone has offered any advice here that was designed to harm. so very best for now on this topic...maxi.

[elaine567]

Currently, my boyfriend is on a month vacation overseas. Yesterday night, he wrote to me telling me that he loves me and wants me to be happy. This was odd because he normally does not say I love you. So far, he has only ever said that he loved me a couple times. He followed up on this by stating that he has been thinking about whether he wants a future with me and he reassured me that he does but he would like to travel the world and enjoy his freedom. .... remaining celibate while he travels is apparently no longer an option. Now, he wants to change our status to an open relationship.

 

I guess that the one month vacation overseas has put things into perspective for him. He is now in "travelling" mode and he wants to do that alone and he wants to be able to sow some wild oats at the same time.

He has actually met you at the wrong time of his life.

He sees that you are "wife" material, and part of him doesn't really want to let that go, but he doesn't want or need a wife just now.

He is probably scared to just end it so has come up with the "open" solution, but as he previously said he will not share you, so it is doomed to failure. Either you sit at home all faithful and "pure", whilst he samples the delights of other women and he will probably move on, or you both embrace the open aspect and I guess he will then not see you as wife material any longer.

 

It is an age old quandary. People meet "perfect" spouse material far too early in life and so they then have to make hard decisions and end good relationships to pursue what they feel is their destiny.

 

I sense he lacks some emotional maturity which makes me feel like it is my obligation to find out why and to fix it so that if he ever dates someone else, he would never have the same problem.

Why would you do that??

His emotional maturity or lack thereof is his problem, you are not his mother.

I think you are trying to justify sticking around to "fix" him, when he doesn't really need fixed.

He knows what he wants, he knows what he has to do, he isn't confused in the slightest, he is just trying to somehow smooth the waters and make his inevitable exit more palatable to you (and him).

[ICarrotBoutYou]

Just a few points that seem minor, but may seem major to him. You said that he should work harder to be an "ideal" man to you, and that you would never choose him over your family. Its hard for me to gloss over that; some men would take that very seriously, that you arent accepting him for who he is, and that he will always be second to your family. It may be a serious issue to him, or it may not be. I know men to whom that would be a deal breaker as far as a committed relationship.

 

Not that he should but instead of asking me to seek out other men, if he loved me, is that not the best method? I followed that up by stating how little I need from a man, a stable income and love. Love as defined in the context of selflessness, commitment and so forth.

[ICarrotBoutYou]

thanks for the reply, and good luck with this situation, I'm sure you will both find your way in all of this. you seem strong from your posts and ive no doubt will meet the decisions you meet.

 

I still stand by what I said in my initial reply, I'm not sure it sounds like great compatibility for the long term, but what do I know...I don't know you or him, but I wish you both well.

 

the fact is that any dilemma on a forum is going to have peoples views and analysis to some degree, its all we can do if we don't know a person. as for the emotional side, again I am only picking up what I read, but that doesn't mean I'm right...or are saying categorically that you are a totally emotional person in every situation you face, I have identified with your inner strength and am wishing you good luck to you if this can work for you.im not sure it can without change and will to really work at things, but I am happy to be wrong.

 

if you want this relationship to work and you can make it work together then that's great:).

 

and of course I appreciate that a lot of these things are more complex than we know because we don't know the true situation; and as i said earlier - I don't believe anyone has offered any advice here that was designed to harm. so very best for now on this topic...maxi.

 

 

Yes, I am sure people are here for the best of reasons. I do not doubt that. In fact, the people in this forum are already far better than the last forum I went to where the people who were total skeptics and trolling so they were not much help. At least people here are genuinely out to help others. My problem is I have a hard time keeping up with the posts and there's only so much I can write in words which is why some people are jumping to the conclusion that he is an arse and I should dump him. I could not stress like how many times I have had to repeat, there is no way he is cheating. Not only do I trust that 100%, I could even literally bet my bank account on it. In the event, there are trolls waiting to take up that bet, I just emptied my account to study in the UK so hah!

 

I am of the perception that no one is 100% compatible. For me, a relationship requires real effort and work. It's a lot of compromises, giving in and in the event really nothing can be done, giving up. I am realistic and I do not expect to find someone who is 100% compatible to me. In an ideal world, that would work but everyone is different and even my clone (I'm happen to be a Biologist), would never be 100% identical to me. So, even if I can find that guy who is 90% compatible, I am not going to throw him away because we have that 10% difference that could be worked out.

 

The entire reason I am worried is the committal issue for a long-term relationship as well as needing to know if it is actually love or infatuation. I was told by a couple guy friends that to them, love is just caring for a person and I am overthinking it. I don't know if people do actually have different definitions of love or maybe some people cannot put them into words (from past experience, men particularly Asian men tend to have this problem). There are only few things that tells me to really end things and it is when the guy totally cannot adhere to my definition of what love is. When a guy cheats on me and all, I do not see that as a loss, I see it as a gain since it's blatant disrespect to me and I can definitely (100%) do better. So again, to others who haven't read in full and need to catch up, cheating is not the issue here.

[ICarrotBoutYou]

I guess that the one month vacation overseas has put things into perspective for him. He is now in "travelling" mode and he wants to do that alone and he wants to be able to sow some wild oats at the same time.

He has actually met you at the wrong time of his life.

He sees that you are "wife" material, and part of him doesn't really want to let that go, but he doesn't want or need a wife just now.

He is probably scared to just end it so has come up with the "open" solution, but as he previously said he will not share you, so it is doomed to failure. Either you sit at home all faithful and "pure", whilst he samples the delights of other women and he will probably move on, or you both embrace the open aspect and I guess he will then not see you as wife material any longer.

 

It is an age old quandary. People meet "perfect" spouse material far too early in life and so they then have to make hard decisions and end good relationships to pursue what they feel is their destiny.

 

Why would you do that??

His emotional maturity or lack thereof is his problem, you are not his mother.

I think you are trying to justify sticking around to "fix" him, when he doesn't really need fixed.

He knows what he wants, he knows what he has to do, he isn't confused in the slightest, he is just trying to somehow smooth the waters and make his inevitable exit more palatable to you (and him).

 

 

I have addressed some of what you stated in previous posts, I cannot seem to catch up. Again, I don't think the real issue is what he sees on his travels. It's not like he has never travelled before without me. I am also quite confident in what I can provide as a girlfriend so that's really no issue to me. The whole open relationship thing would tend to go both ways. If you have time to refer to my other posts.

 

I guess I do not necessarily need to rectify his emotional maturity though ideal if I could and I would like to think I can. I do not need to be his mother to do this. He does not need to be committed to his mother for the rest of his life. He does for his long-term girlfriend and future wife. As his current girlfriend, I do feel I have the right to tell him. On top of that, I mentioned, it is not beneficial for a person to live life ignorantly. At least for me, I feel that shouldn't be the way things work. If his committal issues to me stems from himself, it will never work out for him in any other way with any other woman. I truly believe he is a good man aside from the occasional selfishness and pride. I also wholeheartedly believe he is faithful and loyal. If he wanted to cheat to begin with, he need not ask or tell me to open the relationship. At the very least, he is honest.

[ICarrotBoutYou]

Your analytical mind is making this more complex than it really is.

 

Right now all you are doing is putting things into equations and coming up with assumptions.

 

We know he is NOT confused about anything. He has come to a decision that he wants to have sex with others. You opened that can of worms ages ago telling him that it was an option available to him. He has taken up your offer of an open relationship, and now you are back peddling because it makes you nervous. You say it's ok with you to have an open relationship, but you contradict yourself coming up with all these excuses like he doesn't know what he wants, he has a different idea about commitment, you now feel a future isn't possible.

 

I know what's happening...you feel devalued because he wants to go out and hit other women's va jayjays and that doesn't bode well with you. Just admit it. This bothers you. He's kicked you off that pedestal he had you on to go chase some skirt.

 

 

I am not coming up with assumptions because we are still talking it over. Even when reading something, people can take on different perspectives.

 

You could not be more wrong. To say I completely do not care whether he sleeps with other women is untrue, I do care if I get STDs. However, that is not my primary concern at all. Like I said, I am quite practical. Had it been reversed, for instance, if he was not with me and he was already sleeping with a bunch of women, would that make me not want to date him? The answer is no. Also, in the event that we do have an open relationship, I would argue that women can get men a lot easier. Just think about dating websites. Women tend to get a lot more attention than men. Therefore, I have absolutely no problem with it since we would be on equal grounds. If anything, he would be the one uncomfortable with it since he was against the open relationship offer when we first started. So with all things considered, that is the least of the problem. Him bringing that up started my questioning regarding what the true issues in our relationship are.

 

Again, trying to downplay it by saying these are excuses is not solving the problem. I prefer to find the root cause and fix it than generalising and then sweeping it under the rug. Even if I do break up with him, especially amicably, I want to know why and how and to ensure it never happens again.

[Chilli]

You speak or write such good English.

Anyway , l think like a lot of women especially , your finding all sorts of weird explanations for normal things he wants or says.

When it's really pretty simple and you even said even you would be open to an open relationship.

 

He doesn't like you discussing your relationship with your family , ahhh , what person he or she would like that, l wouldn't,. pretty simple.Commitment issues, your gonna be apart , there's already problems, no rocket science or dreamed up issues needed ,really , it;s pretty simple.

He's only 25 and not even ready for the bs anyway and you've done it all and were open so what's good for the goose !

lf it's marriage you want he's not the one right now. try him in 5 or 10 years time.

Edited August 13, 2017 by Chilli

[ICarrotBoutYou]

You speak or write such good English.

Anyway , l think like a lot of women especially , your finding all sorts of weird explanations for normal things he wants or says.

When it's really pretty simple and you even said even you would be open to an open relationship.

 

He doesn't like you discussing your relationship with your family , ahhh , what person he or she would like that, l wouldn't,. pretty simple.Commitment issues, your gonna be apart , there's already problems, no rocket science or dreamed up issues needed ,really , it;s pretty simple.

He's only 25 and not even ready for the bs anyway and you've done it all and were open so what's good for the goose !

lf it's marriage you want he's not the one right now. try him in 5 or 10 years time.

 

Thanks for the compliment. Actually pretty annoyed by some errors in the previous posts that I can no longer edit. It's taunting me.

 

When I say that my parents have a say in my relationship, I am not referring to discussing personal stuff with them. However, coming from a Chinese background there are certain things my family will always be against. I even had a huge argument with them in the past because they were against me dating certain races/ethnicities. An example would be, if I brought back a Muslim man, they would immediately tell me right after dinner to dump the guy. No reasons simply, he's Muslim and will not fit in and cannot be accepted by the family (also I am not allowed to convert religions and all that). I'm agnostic so it's unlikely that I'll do that anyway, I just disagreed with them being racist. All things said and done, they are still my family. Therefore, there will always be some friction in terms of culture.

 

I am not interested in marriage at least not yet. I do not intend to get married until completing my PhD or maybe even fellowship and that's probably a minimum of 6-7 years. However, I'm in it for the long haul. I'm not going to invest in something knowing it will never work out.

Edited August 13, 2017 by ICarrotBoutYou

[elaine567]

The root cause is that he is only 25 and he is spending a lot of his life essentially celibate and jerking off, when he could be hugging and having sex with a real live woman every night of the week.

 

He is also not on any career path as he has opted out to go work with his father and now he is making plans to see the world.

He does not fit into your or your family's sense of what an "ideal" man should look like, and I guess he doesn't want to fit into that "ideal" either, not now anyway.

Try again in 5-10 years maybe, maybe not...

 

You are trying to shove a round peg into a square hole.

You know your family would be appalled if they knew the truth about him, and he doesn't actually want to fit himself into that square hole either.

You are on your own there.

You have written a love story in your head, which is now unravelling before your eyes and you are now desperately trying to rationalise recent events.

 

My advice is to let him go.