Author heavenonearth Posted August 11, 2017 Author Posted August 11, 2017 Thanks for all the responses. As we speak he just sent me another few pictures of him hanging out with his nephews and nieces. I am at a bar with a friend. As someone mentioned here, and as gathered through past posts, he was in a 15 year relationship before being with me, but they never discussed really having kids. She wanted marriage but he didn't want to. I think he wanted kids but he never had the guts to talk to her about it - which, to me, feels almost like he wasn't quite sure if it was really her he wanted to have kids with. I feel he wants to be a dad but didn't want to be having a family with her specifically. Although part of him wanted to, because he thought they would be together until the end of days, and he wanted to be a dad, so the reasonable outcome would be having a family with her. But then things went sour and it never came up and he left her after five years of trying to make it work. As far as I know, he wants to be a dad badly. But you are right, if he does not bring it up to me, why should I worry!!? But I have to admit, it annoys me a bit, the extent to which he brings up kids (and it's not just his nephews and nieces). I guess there is no point in starting this conversation with him unless he brings it up clearly? As in "I want to have kids with YOU?!" maybe I just wait a few months and see if it comes up. But I am not exaggerating when I say that he talks about kids ALL THE DAMN TIME! I really feel pressure. What can I say ...
Chilli Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Sure we can hint , dunno if he is though, l think it could be some in there for sure and he's feeling the clock too , yep we can have those too. One things for sure , he loves kids and he's gona wanna have some. But at any rate , it doesn't really matter either way, not a biggie , just talk about it , keep it light. Don't think he'd be expecting you to wanna just dive in tomorrow . 3
Author heavenonearth Posted August 12, 2017 Author Posted August 12, 2017 I can imagine. ONLY AFTER 2-MONTHS!? He is talking about babies and you are in 'love' with him....wow. Everything is going too quickly to my taste. I would have a gentle conversation about this. It needs to be addressed. Tell him that it would be a wonderful thing 2-3 years down the line. Give him your reasons, stability, finances, etc. He'll accept it as reasonable or not...then another conservation needs to be had. I don't think there is a problem with falling in love with someone after two months. I knew when I first met him that I could/would develop strong feelings for him. Yes, the thing is I am just not financially stable enough to be a mother anytime soon. You see yourself having children with this man in two or three years from now but don't even know how to talk about things that matter to you both? That seems a little strange to me. No, I don't know how to talk about the kids thing because it is very new to me. And I do find it to be probably the most important matter in life, to be discussed. I can talk with him about anything else that matters to me, things that aren't as 'life changing' as having kids. This is just impossible for me to approach.
amaysngrace Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 No, I don't know how to talk about the kids thing because it is very new to me. And I do find it to be probably the most important matter in life, to be discussed. I can talk with him about anything else that matters to me, things that aren't as 'life changing' as having kids. This is just impossible for me to approach. He's probably trying to get a feel if you're mommy material. We already can guess he's daddy material judging by what a great uncle he seems to be. How are you around the kids, specifically his little family members? Have you met them? Do you want to?
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 He may talk to and about kids but nowhere in here did heavenonearth mention that her new BF is talking about having kids with her. Unless he said those words -- I want you to have my baby -- there is no pressure. He likes kids. He want to have a kid & be a daddy. That doesn't mean he wants her to be the mommy in the next 9 months. Everybody relax. 1
amaysngrace Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 He may talk to and about kids but nowhere in here did heavenonearth mention that her new BF is talking about having kids with her. Unless he said those words -- I want you to have my baby -- there is no pressure. He likes kids. He want to have a kid & be a daddy. That doesn't mean he wants her to be the mommy in the next 9 months. Everybody relax. Yea maybe he doesn't want to waste his time on someone who isn't interested in having kids so he'd like to know sooner than later. He's sending pictures and that's causing her to feel pressure, not to have his baby but to have a conversation about it. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 Yea maybe he doesn't want to waste his time on someone who isn't interested in having kids so he'd like to know sooner than later. He's sending pictures and that's causing her to feel pressure, not to have his baby but to have a conversation about it. I still don't get the idea of pressure. How is a conversation pressure? All she has to say is "gee you seem to like kids." Then he says whatever & she replies, "I'm not against kids but we just met. It's too early to talk about something like this. Can we table the subject for a while?" He's not going to stop sharing pictures of his family - the nieces & nephews -- with her nor should he have to hid that aspect of his life.
Bastile Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 Don't think it's a big deal. He just seems to like kids, and I don't see why you don't have the basic "one day..." conversation. And It's not like you'll be having any kids that you don't want to be having anyway Genders flipped, I've panicked at this point, and make it very clear that I'm not currently in a position to have kids. Any sort of wishy-washyness on that is a green light for further down the way. Ask me how I know :/ So, ball is completely in your court. And it's on you to be pacing the subject. In this case, he probably just would be happy with some conformation that kids are what you want, "one day". It's really basic communication stuff, imo. And the way I have typically had this broached is to be talking about marriage or kids in general. And then you both share your views on the topic, expressing where you are on it. 1
amaysngrace Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 Yea I get the impression that she doesn't say much when he's inundating her with pictures of his nieces and nephews. Hence this thread. 1
Author heavenonearth Posted August 12, 2017 Author Posted August 12, 2017 He may talk to and about kids but nowhere in here did heavenonearth mention that her new BF is talking about having kids with her. Unless he said those words -- I want you to have my baby -- there is no pressure. He likes kids. He want to have a kid & be a daddy. That doesn't mean he wants her to be the mommy in the next 9 months. Everybody relax. Probably true.
Author heavenonearth Posted August 12, 2017 Author Posted August 12, 2017 He's probably trying to get a feel if you're mommy material. We already can guess he's daddy material judging by what a great uncle he seems to be. How are you around the kids, specifically his little family members? Have you met them? Do you want to? I have not met them yet. Yea I get the impression that she doesn't say much when he's inundating her with pictures of his nieces and nephews. Hence this thread. No, not really. He's with them right now and sending so many pictures, i just respond 'cute, wish i was there', I think that's alright. I don't know He's coming over tomorrow, maybe I will start a subtle convo, still figuring out how to approach it.
amaysngrace Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 I think you'll be fine saying whatever is genuine but probably asking questions to show an interest is best. Which one looks like he did when he was little? When are you going to get to meet them?? Personally I'd keep the focus on those kids....not some hypothetical kids you and he may someday have in years from now. 1
PogoStick Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 To me, this looks like the insecure, beta male way to secure the woman. Just like women may use getting pregnant as a way to trap a man. He might genuinely want kids, but the rapid urging comes from a place of insecurity, or down-right craziness. Beware, this may be a guy you are separately co-parenting with down the road.
Author heavenonearth Posted August 12, 2017 Author Posted August 12, 2017 I think you'll be fine saying whatever is genuine but probably asking questions to show an interest is best. Which one looks like he did when he was little? When are you going to get to meet them?? Personally I'd keep the focus on those kids....not some hypothetical kids you and he may someday have in years from now. That is a good idea and great advice, thank you!
Author heavenonearth Posted August 12, 2017 Author Posted August 12, 2017 To me, this looks like the insecure, beta male way to secure the woman. Just like women may use getting pregnant as a way to trap a man. He might genuinely want kids, but the rapid urging comes from a place of insecurity, or down-right craziness. Beware, this may be a guy you are separately co-parenting with down the road. What makes you think that?
elaine567 Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 ... he wasn't quite sure if it was really her he wanted to have kids with. . YOU don't actually know that, you are rewriting history to boost your own ego and reduce her status in his life, and you may have got it all very wrong. At 2 months of dating you do not really know him and you certainly do not know her enough to make any assumptions about anything. But I am not exaggerating when I say that he talks about kids ALL THE DAMN TIME!Of course he may have "baby fever", but the fact he talks almost non stop about kids, sounds a bit "unhealthy" to me...
smackie9 Posted August 12, 2017 Posted August 12, 2017 The best advice I can give you is to stipulate your expectations NOW. Put it out there that kids will come along (if things work out, etc) in about 3 to 4 years. And you want ___this many, etc. You are not 20 something you are heading into your later years and there is no time to fuss around. I get it, it's the honeymoon period, and people start to talk marriage, kids, the future because your heads are on cloud 9. Got to come back to earth and settle this so you both know you are on the same page. It's never to soon to talk about expectations. Obviously things may change along the way, but it does lay down the ground work to build a solid foundation for your relaitonship.....will give you better direction instead of wondering what's going on and making assumptions.
Author heavenonearth Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 YOU don't actually know that, you are rewriting history to boost your own ego and reduce her status in his life, and you may have got it all very wrong. At 2 months of dating you do not really know him and you certainly do not know her enough to make any assumptions about anything. Of course he may have "baby fever", but the fact he talks almost non stop about kids, sounds a bit "unhealthy" to me... Well, that is true, I don't actually know that. I just know that he didn't want to marry her and that they didn't have kids, because supposedly he never really vocalized wanting to have kids together. He told me that he wanted to have kids but that he never told her that he wanted kids with her. Of course this does not imply that he didn't want kids with her, could mean he just wasn't telling her that he actually wanted to. Anyway, i don't need to reduce her status in his life, I am not stupid, and I realize that they spent a significant amount of time together. And of course this sometimes feels weird - but I also believe him when he tells me that this is a thing of the past and it's been long over and they will never ever get back together. And I also believe him when he tells me that he never felt for someone like he feels for me. So I got that going at least. Either way, I don't think it is necessary for me to downplay her importance, I darn realize she's been an important part of his life. But I also realize she's gone now. 1
No_Go Posted August 13, 2017 Posted August 13, 2017 You're taking this right - she was important of course but this is a past story, now he's with you:) Maybe he vocalizes his desire to have kids early on to avoid situation similar to the one in his last relationship.
Author heavenonearth Posted August 13, 2017 Author Posted August 13, 2017 You're taking this right - she was important of course but this is a past story, now he's with you:) Maybe he vocalizes his desire to have kids early on to avoid situation similar to the one in his last relationship. That's a good point, possible, yeah. Thanks for the input!
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