ResidentRed Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) I had a casual LDR with a guy who long story short was only prepared to see me on his terms when it was convenient. He was so sweet and attentive, then I told him I liked him and he didn't want anything serious so I ended it. He came back full force liking all my social media posts, snapping me and eventually texting after a month. I replied and we met whilst I was in his town. A week after that he vanished and stopped interacting online. I reached out again when I was back in his town another week after but he was vague, uncommittal and eventually we just didn't meet. I Decided that since he has personal things going on I'd give him a chance and messaged saying did he still want to meet, that my position hadn't changed and I still liked spending time with him but I wasn't sure what he wanted. He said he'd like to keep meeting but he couldn't offer more. I said I was aware of that and that I knew he only wanted casual arrangements right now, but that he'd previously said he'd like to see in the future about something more when he's ready. I said that if he meant that, then the risk was mine and I knew that and I'd like to see him. He just said he wasn't sure as he didn't want to hurt me, but equally he'd be crazy to go. Again I reiterated my point to say there's no pressure but if we were to carry on it needs to be a fun and safe place, that we still need to make sure we are on the same page and can talk and exchange messages and have fun. He didn't reply after a day, so I sent a goodbye message saying I understood, and I hoped if he changed his mind I'd hear from him. That was 10 days ago, but I'm so crushed still. I'm keeping busy, working on me and my business, I've been staying active too. Deleted his number and unfollowed him online so I can't see his posts, although he still follows me (but he hasn't liked anything or watched anything). I guess I feel so embarrassed that I had that chat. my friends said I handled it very well and I was articulate but seemed strong and like I knew what I wanted, but I feel mortified. Like he will never want to speak with me again He did say 'you've handled yourself perfectly, it's me with the problems' when I said I'm sorry, I think it's better to just say than try to play mind games to keep you around. But still... I wasn't ready to walk away but I had to for my sanity. He does have severe intamacy problems after an ex he moved in with had a long term affair. He has said he cannot let anyone in that his walls are too high, and that with his life right now and plans he can't ask anyone to go through that with him. I know it was unhealthy. But equally I really fell for this guy. He's an ass at times, but he's also great in many ways. I don't think I can ever undo this, certainly not in the short term! He's going away in nov for 3/4 months. So I guess maybe in the future our paths will cross and until that point there's no point me getting in touch. And I'm starting to take him off his pedal stool and see the man rather than the god I made him. But it still hurts. This was 9 months of talking and meeting for great sex. This sucks! Advice welcome on how to just get passed this. And also... I don't want to undo what I'm doing, but if anyone thinks I'd ever have a chance at rekindling something in the future any tips there would be great too. I don't want to count on it, and won't. But if there's another possibility here I'm all ears. One thing is for sure, I cannot get in touch with him for some time at least without looking nuts Xxx Edited August 11, 2017 by ResidentRed Typos! Sorry I'm on my mobile!
Miss Spider Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) Delete and block him from seeing your stuff. Erase him from your life as much as possible. That should be easy since he is LD. Focus on yourself, your hobbies, new people. In order for you to move on, you have to serious about wanting it, not keeping the door cracked so he can come back for more talking and casual sex like he's been doing for the past 9 months. He won't reciprocate your feelings and it will just drag out your suffering. He actually made a moral decision by walking away, but who knows if he won't get thirst enough to go back on it. Also, never fall for the "not ready now, maybe later" thing again. Edited August 11, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Author ResidentRed Posted August 11, 2017 Author Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) Thank you <3 I know. It's sooo hard. Because I would love him to reach out. But why would he? I basically told him I had feelings but was prepared to keep it casual which probably terrified him and he will have seen as drama He has done the moral thing yes. I can't imagine he will ever reach out You are right, I should block him and get rid. I feel a bit scared to do that right now but I'll work towards feeling secure enough to do it. I'm back out dating and keepin busy and living my life which helps as it's all too easy to fall into a sad hole! Xxx Edited August 11, 2017 by ResidentRed 1
Miss Spider Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) I know, girl, but listen you have to have TOTALLY cut him off. You cannot be half-way with him because you are too stuck on the guy. You should have pulled the plug a few months ago when he faded/ghosted the first time after your first 2 dates and he stayed over. Maybe if you did, you not be in this situation and instead be head over heels for another guy who would be making you happy. Don't blame yourself for wanting more. You DESERVE more. And if this guy was right for you, you would not have to worry about expressing wanting more 9 months into knowing him. It would not scare him off. It's only scaring him because he has 0 intention to be with you. Knock him off his pedestal. He ain't nothing special. This is just a guy only text messaging/social media and visiting/sleeping with you when he travels. It was never a great situation. I know it's hard, but the sooner you accept it's over, the sooner you can move on and forget this guy. Block/delete. Talk to other guys Edited August 11, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1
kendahke Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 I think he's let you know quite clearly that there is no future with him and that you should move on. Since you wouldn't hear him, he's gone radio silent on you as a way to not have to unzip the lizard on you and get rude to get you to understand that he's done. Don't make him have to go there. Gather your grace and dignity and exit. Block him on social media so that you're not feeding energy into wishing he'd like your content. The sooner you do that, the sooner you begin getting over him. 2
Author ResidentRed Posted August 11, 2017 Author Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) I know.... Although I don't think I've done anything that would warrant him having to be rude. He came back after our first chat with snaps and messages and after we met he then went quiet again, I gave him a chance to explain and then exited when he said where he was. I did hear him and said my goodbye, again. I deleted his number and unfollowed him. It just hurts... but a part of me feels like blocking him would be rude. Especially after his messages were so kind. There hasn't been an arguement and if it is a case of bad timing as he said then it leaves the door open, I feel like that could be an excuse, but then again who really knows. As long as I can handle this in the meantime. I guess if I was a pain in the ass he'd have got rid of me with good riddance. I'm assuming he knows I don't follow him anymore. If I start seeking him online I will block though. So far I've been ok there, I'm not stalking him as I have done and I feel worse so it's easier to stay back. I do hear the block arguement, but it's so final and I don't know if I'm ready just yet for that. I think part of the problem is there's a gap where I used to spend time thinking and worrying about him that I need to fill. It was unhealthy for sure... so keeping busy will be key. I thought it had been 10 days NC but it's only been 8, so it's still fresh. It's my own fault, when he came back I shouldn't have bitten. He's been honest at least. We both have. Xxx Edited August 11, 2017 by ResidentRed
Miss Spider Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 It's not rude. You have to do what you need to make you feel better sometimes and this person is no longer in your life, doesn't want to be, so there's no need for them to have contact with you. Remember being part of your life is a privilege, not a right. Take care 4
Author ResidentRed Posted August 11, 2017 Author Posted August 11, 2017 That is true, I hadn't thought of it that way. 1
Robratory Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 but if anyone thinks I'd ever have a chance at rekindling something in the future No. Don't. Just don't. He's not who you're looking for, so stop throwing your self-respect away. You gave it the good ol' college try, and it didn't work. Well, that's how it goes. Don't be embarrassed about the chat you had with him, but also, put him out of your mind. If he doesn't come back, tell him that you're sorry, but you've moved on (because he would just be using you for sex). Meanwhile, go look for some other boy to play with. You'll be surprised how quickly we forget the old one when we have a new one. 1
Author ResidentRed Posted August 11, 2017 Author Posted August 11, 2017 Thank you <3 I will. You're right, you all are. I have a new person to play with and he's fun. It's just hard because I reaaally liked this guy. But I guess I'm not the girl for him. I can't reach out without looking like a grade a psycho anyway! I've done all I can. Xxx
kazen Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 The best way to move on is to erase any hope you have of getting back together. Treat as if he died. There's nothing you could do, just let time do it's thing.
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