jaQ3 Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 I've been in a relationship with "Ben" for a month now. We were that couple that everyone hates. just woke up to his house key on my keychain. In July, we announced our relationship on social media and his ex of almost 6 years(they broke up in Feb) came running back, talking about how she thought they were on a break and she needs him back. And how she was supposed to be staying with him this first week in August because she was moving out of state and needed a place between leases (they're still close friends, though he tells me they haven't been intimate in a year) After that call from her, he cried and felt like she hated him, and that he doesn't know what he wants now, who he wants to be with. I calmed him down and told him I understand, take a couple days of space and try to figure out what you want to do. A day later, he chose me. He also reassured me that she would not be staying with him. He starts packing up all her loose odds and ends around the house and packs them away. Two weeks later, that weekend comes. She calls him. He disappears into the master bathroom for whats turning into another hour long phone call. I shower, and decide to leave. As I'm pulling out of the driveway, he comes running out asking if I wanted to have dinner with him and his ex Monday night. I say calmly, "i'll have to think about it" and left. An hour later, despite my text apologizing for storming out and missed calls later, he finally contacts me today to say he's sorry for avoiding me, he's bad with conflict, and he's in a very dark place but he's not ready to be in a relationship with anyone right now, and he's not sure he could be with someone who runs away like that, since women in his past have done the same" so he brought me my stuff and that's that. Monday she came over and they divided up everything, and then she left to go be with her new man out of state. I know he's messed up from this. he warned me a while ago these next couple weeks would be difficult for him. I sent him one last message after he gave me my stuff, a heartfelt apology about my trust issues and how i know i wasnt fair to him to assume things and run like that and that i still care about him and his well being, should he ever want to talk i'm here, and that i wish him luck in the future. I know now, he's emotionally unavailable, despite what he said in the past. I'm just wondering if he might ever come back?
basil67 Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Ugh, does he always play the victim like this? The guy can't decide which girl he wants and gets upset because you walk out? Gimme a break. jaQ3, where's your self esteem? With behaviour like this, it's no wonder women have run away from in the past. And so they should. It's not them who has the problem - it's him. Don't ever patiently give a man time to decide between you and someone else. If a guy can't decide, then you walk away with your head held high and go find a man who has zero doubts about being with you. 9
diddilybop Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 yeah, while he's playing victim, go on with your life and spend your energy elsewhere. don't waste your time waiting around for him. he's not worth the drama if he can't be an adult and make up his mind. a guy should be excited and should want to be with you! 2
bachdude Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 I think this guy has nerve. You announce your relationship on FB only for him to make an immediate about face and consider going back to his ex because she comes running and crying to him to get him back. That must have given you a good case of whiplash! Has he considered for a second how that would make you feel? And apparently you are supposed to sit around patiently for a second round of this as he locks himself in his bathroom like a teenager for an hour talking to her? I think a lot of women would just roll their eyes and walk out. And then he asks you to go to dinner with him and his ex??? Hahaha What, so you are supposed to sit across the table from a woman who is trying to get your boyfriend from you? Gads. He's clueless! And then he criticizes you for running? What's the matter with this guy? I think anyone with self respect would just leave. 5
TheFinalWord Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 he warned me a while ago these next couple weeks would be difficult for him. I sent him one last message after he gave me my stuff, a heartfelt apology about my trust issues and how i know i wasnt fair to him to assume things and run like that and that i still care about him and his well being, should he ever want to talk i'm here, and that i wish him luck in the future. I know now, he's emotionally unavailable, despite what he said in the past. I'm just wondering if he might ever come back? I think you are giving him way too much latitude. This guy voluntarily got into a relationship with you, despite not being over his ex. That was not fair to you, and you should not allow yourself to be a "test run" for him while he figures out if you are the one or just a rebound. Even if he does come back, I would not recommend rekindling anything. He's given major red flags and I'm sorry to say this, it sounds like you were a rebound relationship. With that said, you seem rationale and patient. IMHO you deserve better than this guy. 2
mortensorchid Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Oh he'll be back. He'll waffle between you and her and his "trust issues" until the cows come home. He BLEW IT with you and he blew it in all caps. Move on. 2
GemmaUK Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 I've been in a relationship with "Ben" for a month now. We were that couple that everyone hates. just woke up to his house key on my keychain. This was erratic behaviour which you went along with after he broke up with someone after 6 years in February. Why on earth would you move in so quickly with someone when you were only just beginning to get to know them? The rest is all equally erratic. I think the best you can expect is erratic if you keep in touch with him. 1
Author jaQ3 Posted August 11, 2017 Author Posted August 11, 2017 This was erratic behaviour which you went along with after he broke up with someone after 6 years in February. Why on earth would you move in so quickly with someone when you were only just beginning to get to know them? The rest is all equally erratic. I think the best you can expect is erratic if you keep in touch with him. Oh no, I didn't move in with him, he just gave me a key to his place, which I apparently mistook as a sign he really liked me too.
Author jaQ3 Posted August 11, 2017 Author Posted August 11, 2017 I think you are giving him way too much latitude. This guy voluntarily got into a relationship with you, despite not being over his ex. That was not fair to you, and you should not allow yourself to be a "test run" for him while he figures out if you are the one or just a rebound. Even if he does come back, I would not recommend rekindling anything. He's given major red flags and I'm sorry to say this, it sounds like you were a rebound relationship. With that said, you seem rationale and patient. IMHO you deserve better than this guy. thank you. Its frustrating because I can be impulsive but here (with the exception of just leaving that day) I've been as rational and patient as I think anyone can be. And it still failed. The ONLY reason I'm putting up with this much BS is that he makes me feel happy in a way I haven't since my fiance died. The way he looked at me, too. We just clicked so well. 1
HarmonyDriven Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 #1..... As I'm pulling out of the driveway, he comes running out asking if I wanted to have dinner with him and his ex Monday night...... #2 ....I know now, he's emotionally unavailable, despite what he said in the past. I'm just wondering if he might ever come back? 1. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING? DEFINITELY SOME NERVE! Unfortunately, sounds like this guy is sooooo not ready for another relationship. He is not over the ex. He needs to go NO CONTACT with her STAT! I agree with Final Word, this guy has RED flags all over him.... 2. IMO, best to move on. Forget this guy. It was fun while it lasted, but not the right guy for you. You don't want a man who treats you this way.
Author jaQ3 Posted August 11, 2017 Author Posted August 11, 2017 The ONLY reason I'm putting up with this much BS is that he makes me feel happy in a way I haven't since my fiance died. The way he looked at me, too. We just clicked so well. When he was handing me my stuff he wouldnt even look at me. And he was wearing a ballcap, which I've never seen him do. It was odd. I think he expected me to unload on him. I never did. Just told him I hope things work out for him and I'm sorry. As a widow, I get being emotionally unavailable, it doesnt bother me as much as it should, because its normally temporary. He says on a logical level, he knows they would never work, and have become different people.
GemmaUK Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Oh no, I didn't move in with him, he just gave me a key to his place, which I apparently mistook as a sign he really liked me too. I'm glad you didn't move in but even so giving someone a key is still erratic so early on. It would've rung big alarm bells for me, there's no way I would have accepted the key. In fact I would likely have run for the hills with someone moving so damn fast. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Honestly, I don't think you are going to like this answer much. I doubt that you guys were the couple that everyone hates. It was a month! I think you were far too trusting and hoped against hope that what he was saying and telling you was what you wanted it to be. Impulsive, yes. I think whatever was happening between you and him needed a dose of realism. He sounds like he was rebounding with you--which means he sucks of course. Well kinda. I think we each hold the responsibility to protect ourselves. Basically at one month you didn't know him. And how could you it was just a month. That's why pacing yourself reasonably is important for you. Or take it with a grain of salt or in perspective, if he can't contain himself. I feel bad for you and hope you feel better. Keep your eyes open next time. And yes he mostly likely will be back in some way, shape or form. *my post comes from the place that I can sit here and call your guy a whole bunch of names and say he was irresponsible, blah blah and the ex-gf is a b*tch etc but that won't really help you except to temporarily make you feel better AND teach you that you did nothing wrong in this scenario. That won't help you next time. What might is to think about what you could have done differently to prevent this. Learn from your mistakes (doesn't mean he didn't make any) but you can only change yourself. Probably not such a great idea to hand over your heart and the responsibility for protecting it to some guy who just got out of a six year relationship who showed signs of rushing in. Good luck 1
TheFinalWord Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 thank you. Its frustrating because I can be impulsive but here (with the exception of just leaving that day) I've been as rational and patient as I think anyone can be. And it still failed. The ONLY reason I'm putting up with this much BS is that he makes me feel happy in a way I haven't since my fiance died. The way he looked at me, too. We just clicked so well. I understand. I am sorry to hear about your finance. You have probably been through more than many of us on this site. Even more reason why you deserve better (speaking as a guy). I don't think it failed per say, this whole experience, and dating in general, is a sort of trial run for LT relationship/marriage. You can rest secured knowing you did everything within your power and it was not meant to be. 1
GemmaUK Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Honestly, I don't think you are going to like this answer much. I doubt that you guys were the couple that everyone hates. It was a month! I think you were far too trusting and hoped against hope that what he was saying and telling you was what you wanted it to be. Impulsive, yes. I think whatever was happening between you and him needed a dose of realism. He sounds like he was rebounding with you--which means he sucks of course. Well kinda. I think we each hold the responsibility to protect ourselves. Basically at one month you didn't know him. And how could you it was just a month. That's why pacing yourself reasonably is important for you. Or take it with a grain of salt or in perspective, if he can't contain himself. I feel bad for you and hope you feel better. Keep your eyes open next time. And yes he mostly likely will be back in some way, shape or form. *my post comes from the place that I can sit here and call your guy a whole bunch of names and say he was irresponsible, blah blah and the ex-gf is a b*tch etc but that won't really help you except to temporarily make you feel better AND teach you that you did nothing wrong in this scenario. That won't help you next time. What might is to think about what you could have done differently to prevent this. Learn from your mistakes (doesn't mean he didn't make any) but you can only change yourself. Probably not such a great idea to hand over your heart and the responsibility for protecting it to some guy who just got out of a six year relationship who showed signs of rushing in. Good luck Precisely! If you don't learn from this and realise you contributed to this mess also then you will forever be that FB friend whose relationship statue changes from 'in a relationship' to 'engaged' to 'it's complicated' to 'single' and back to the beginning again all within a matter of months. The person who their friends hope FB adds 'unstable' as a relationship status - because it almost always is. 1
Author jaQ3 Posted August 11, 2017 Author Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) Precisely! If you don't learn from this and realise you contributed to this mess also then you will forever be that FB friend whose relationship statue changes from 'in a relationship' to 'engaged' to 'it's complicated' to 'single' and back to the beginning again all within a matter of months. The person who their friends hope FB adds 'unstable' as a relationship status - because it almost always is. Thank you. I just meant we were that gross couple because we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and he was over-the-top attentive in every way. He was so, so sweet. He washed my clothes, asked my opinions on renovations he was planning for his house, gave me a key...two weeks ago he was going to bring me to meet his parents. I already met his best friend. Things were just easy with us (except for when this came up) Did I mention he was always thanking me for accepting him for who he is and appreciating his weird interests, because he's not used to that. Also, his cats love me. One even more than his ex (lol!) Edited August 11, 2017 by jaQ3
Redhead14 Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) I've been in a relationship with "Ben" for a month now. We were that couple that everyone hates. just woke up to his house key on my keychain. In July, we announced our relationship on social media and his ex of almost 6 years(they broke up in Feb) came running back, talking about how she thought they were on a break and she needs him back. And how she was supposed to be staying with him this first week in August because she was moving out of state and needed a place between leases (they're still close friends, though he tells me they haven't been intimate in a year) After that call from her, he cried and felt like she hated him, and that he doesn't know what he wants now, who he wants to be with. I calmed him down and told him I understand, take a couple days of space and try to figure out what you want to do. A day later, he chose me. He also reassured me that she would not be staying with him. He starts packing up all her loose odds and ends around the house and packs them away. Two weeks later, that weekend comes. She calls him. He disappears into the master bathroom for whats turning into another hour long phone call. I shower, and decide to leave. As I'm pulling out of the driveway, he comes running out asking if I wanted to have dinner with him and his ex Monday night. I say calmly, "i'll have to think about it" and left. An hour later, despite my text apologizing for storming out and missed calls later, he finally contacts me today to say he's sorry for avoiding me, he's bad with conflict, and he's in a very dark place but he's not ready to be in a relationship with anyone right now, and he's not sure he could be with someone who runs away like that, since women in his past have done the same" so he brought me my stuff and that's that. Monday she came over and they divided up everything, and then she left to go be with her new man out of state. I know he's messed up from this. he warned me a while ago these next couple weeks would be difficult for him. I sent him one last message after he gave me my stuff, a heartfelt apology about my trust issues and how i know i wasnt fair to him to assume things and run like that and that i still care about him and his well being, should he ever want to talk i'm here, and that i wish him luck in the future. I know now, he's emotionally unavailable, despite what he said in the past. I'm just wondering if he might ever come back? what the F is going on with him? -- He's emotionally unavailable . . . he comes running out asking if I wanted to have dinner with him and his ex -- Seriously!!!! AND, you said you'd think about it???!!!! I'm just wondering if he might ever come back? -- Sure, he might come back. They usually do in situations like this. The question is do you really want to be his doormat? He's being one for her . . . Edited August 11, 2017 by Redhead14
kendahke Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Hope always springs eternal in rebound relationships. Ben wasn't over his ex. He was using you to dull the sting of being by himself. Who broke up with whom? Sounds like she did the breaking up. So, let me get this straight: his ex of almost 6 years(they broke up in Feb) came running back, talking about how she thought they were on a break and she needs him back. Monday she came over and they divided up everything, and then she left to go be with her new man out of state. How on earth could she think she was on a break with him when she's got another man? That's the definition of moving on. That really takes some nerve! And then for him to willfully choose to ignore that and indulge her on a phone call when he had you right there in his house? He never should have taken that call to begin with, but for him to flip the script onto you as if it's your fault that he has to sit with the consequences of his bad choices is rich! I'm just wondering if he might ever come back? Why would you want someone back who played you like he did?
Versacehottie Posted August 11, 2017 Posted August 11, 2017 Thank you. I just meant we were that gross couple because we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and he was over-the-top attentive in every way. He was so, so sweet. He washed my clothes, asked my opinions on renovations he was planning for his house, gave me a key...two weeks ago he was going to bring me to meet his parents. I already met his best friend. Things were just easy with us (except for when this came up) Did I mention he was always thanking me for accepting him for who he is and appreciating his weird interests, because he's not used to that. Also, his cats love me. One even more than his ex (lol!) That's lust which is a poor and unreliable substitute for security and true commitment. I'm not one to scream "rebound" at every turn but my alarm bells would be going off it felt like I was being substituted in where he left off with his girlfriend. That's what rebounds do--you substitute in with very serious stuff, like house keys, etc when it wouldn't be yet appropriate because you are replacing the seriousness of the relationship at the point or as close to it where they left off. If a guy starts off a little slower and normal for a one month period I might believe he had actually moved on but still would keep my eye on things. In general, your alarm bells should be going off every time a guy rushes in. It usually means the relationship or the person himself is not stable. Of course there are exceptions. But if you don't set the pace where you can get to truly know someone one you should expect curve balls--because you don't really know the guy. As many nice things as he did for you, you didn't know his emotional stability or state of mind or what was influencing it. It's your duty to check these things out so you can protect yourself from nasty surprises. It feels like you want us to pin the whole thing on him so you can be the victim. Everyone gets burned at one point or another in life. How you characterize those instances, shape how you will live your life. Pinning it all on him will lead to you becoming bitter or fearful with baggage and victim-y whereas taking some of the responsibility, it becomes a learning experience and you get stronger and better able to deal with next one as well as keep a healthy attitude. Live and learn. Find the humor and lesson in this. I like that you made a joke about the cat.
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