Ex GF of 3 years Left Me!

[Cchance11]

Me and my ex met when we were 18. Things started off wonderful. I was full of surprises and fun dates and always made her feel special. I was happy with everything in my life and it made me portray confidence and attraction. This lasted 2 years and I went off to college and nothing was affected by this. It has only been recently, this past 3 months were I have become complacent, lazy, and comfortable in our relationship and began to take her for granted.

 

She had always surprised me and gave me little gifts here and there and was the one to initiate most conversations. I adored her but did not do a great job to display it. On may 3, our three year anniversary, I told her I was low on money from being at school. She said that me coming home and hanging out with her would be plenty. I stupidly took that to heart... and did not get anything but mentioned the aquarium which she said was too expensive. She would become hurt by this and I said I'd make it up to her. I never did.

 

I began a lazy phase after my semester and she would ask to go walk on the local boardwalk or something as simple as getting ice cream and I would say no, that it wasn't necessary. She would always reply that it's okay but now I know this had built up. I always did things my way and now I see why she ended up feeling the way she does now.

 

She went on a trip with girlfriends and asked for a break between us which I replied," ok I completely understand and I hope you enjoy your trip." Two days later she text me saying she will see me when she comes back. I saw my initials were taken out of her social media and texted, "if you're breaking up with me just do it now and save the drama"

 

She did break it off and said she was tired of paying for everything, me talking down to her (one instance that was recent due to birth control scare before her trip, I did get upset to her), and that I did everything my way. She also said me not fighting for her when she asked for a break showed her decision was justified.

 

I was in denial for a day and then it hit me all at once. REGRET. REMORSE. I felt totally responsible and called her several times, left voicemails of me apologizing, crying, begging for a chance. " I'll change, I see what I did wrong". Her only response was that it shouldn't take a break or a breakup for me to realize it. I agreed and told her this is the eye opener I needed.

 

I showed up to her house upon her arrival from work after a night shift with flowers. I approached her in the driveway and she locked her door. It wasn't until I cried she rolled down the window and I said "I don't understand, you are acting like I cheated or did something unforgiveable" she let me in the car and I calmed down and let her know things won't be my way ever again.

 

She didn't say a word and looked off in the distance **** and I left to go back home. On July 4th I received a Snapchat of her cat eating her food and I replied with a picture of me and her cat. She said "Hi" I said hi back and that I wish I was with her at the fireworks that night. She said,"stop, if this is going to work in the future I need my space" I said absolutely, okay. She erased me on Snapchat after and I panicked in tears to my room. I chain texted her about how she would have been over tonight, how I'm alone in my room unhappy. Not 30 minutes from telling me she needs space to this she calls saying, "I have no interest in getting back together, you need to move on" I was then blocked from her phone.

 

I got desperate again and facebooked her coworker I have met to try to get him to reason to her to contact me. She called that morning and said, "do not contact my coworkers, goddammit I didn't want them to know" ?!?!?! I was then blocked on Facebook and have left her alone since. It's 3 weeks NC and she has unblocked me on Facebook 2 weeks ago as well.

 

Funny thing is that she still wanted to come over my house before the trip with girlfriends, we still had fun alone and she texted me that she wanted to see me and loved me. She still likes posts from my family, and her twitter is full of relationship retweets that I suspect to be about me although most are negative. She occasionally will post things that make me think she is suffering too like "Irritated." "100% alone" "I'm no good for me" I have uninstalled my social medias for the past week and am using NC to heal myself after seeing she posts selfies on instagram and speculating her twitter. I am now off the grid.

 

What can I do to optimize my chances of getting her back after good NC period where I work on never taking her for granted again.

 

"You don't realize what you have until it is gone"

[springy]

At this point and with everything you've done to tick her off do nothing at all. Do not reach out to her, do nothing. If ever she does contact you again save the tears and the pitiful stuff for private time - do not do that in front of her! She has lost attraction and your actions of telling her "if you're breaking up with me just do it now and save the drama" and then your own post breakup drama have made it worse. I know you're in pain, many of us have been there and made the same mistakes, but it's not attractive to the person whose heart has closed off.

 

Make no moves. No grand gestures, no flowers, no surprise visits, no letters, no emails, nada! Continue with school, improve yourself in areas you feel you may be lacking, etc.

 

At some point you will need to unfriend and/or unfollow her on social media, as maintaining that kind of contact might drive you crazy. Think of how you will feel when she starts dating or someone posts a pic of her out with friends and some random guy is in the picture. Pure torture. She may feel pity for you because of your reaction to the breakup, she may want to try to turn you into a friend but "likes" on social media are no indication that she wants to get back together. Beware of the friend zone. Don't let her put you in it.

 

Life will go on, you will be okay. Take the lessons learned here and don't repeat the same mistakes in future relationships.

Edited August 10, 2017 by springy

[SuperLost]

As tough as this sounds, the crying and desperation were turning her off. Im around your age (23). Don't chase, man. I'm 3 weeks into NC as well. You don't have to cold or rude, but just vanish from her life. Let her see how life is without someone who is constantly thinking about them. If she is still unresponsive in another month or two, you should already be feeling better. By simply not contacting them, that shows them that you basically said "ok, message received. I will respect you and this space." Every time you reach out you are digging your hole deeper. If it is meant to be, they won't be feeling so independent and confident without you in a couple months, and they will reach out. If not, like i said, you'll be feeling better anyway.

 

Also, if at any point you do hear from her in the next couple months, you can't cling on and act super happy and interested. You need to be short/concise with your answers, not cold but not excited. If she hits you up and see's you've been waiting all this time for this moment, she will realize you haven't changed and it'll look weak. If she reaches out act casual as possible and act like you are moved on and enjoying life. This will be a wake up call for them, that time is running out because you are doing fine without them.

 

Anyway, just be strong for now. Im in a very similar situation, watch a couple youtube videos by 'mouth of the ape,' the one titled "i got my ex back after 4 months" has some super good advice in it, and tbh his other vids do too. Best of luck man.

[Cchance11]

We were together 3 years. She broke up with me because I took her for granted and got complacent in the last half year. I was selfish and she had had enough.

 

I begged and pleaded but then went hardcore No contact. A month later..

 

She texted me last night "Hey. I wanted to apologize to you and any ill feelings you might have towards me. I should have given you more of a chance to talk and I'm sorry. I hope you have a good senior year and you make the best of It"

 

I responded just now a day later "Hey, thanks for reaching out. There are no ill feelings because I know I did some hurtful things too. I need to apologize as well because I know I was not the best partner and I now recognize where I failed. I did not mean to hurt you in the ways that I did. Hope everything is going good."

 

Was this a good response if I want her to continue to think about me in hopes of reconciliation? I felt it was mature and selfless. But I can also see how it relieved her dumpers guilt and could help her move on more.

 

She has read the message and no response from her after more than a day.

[Ronnys93]

Well you can't take it back now. If you're happy with your response move forward. The fact that she hasn't responded means that she was indeed looking to get things off of her chest and also relieve dumpers guilt. Reconciliation takes usually a longer time of no contact period and she's clearly not trying to do that right about now. Continue no contact. If she contacts you again, same treatment (no contact).

Edited August 27, 2017 by Ronnys93

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think you handled it well, whatever the outcome.

 

If she was having second thoughts, your response certainly shows your ability to reflect on your behavior and grow, without asking for anything in return. Huge plus.

 

However, even if she was just looking to relieve guilt or selfishly gain attention by reaching out, your response showed equal amounts of respect and maturity without looking needy or desperate. Another huge plus.

 

Keep taking the high road and try not to have any expectations unless she gives you very clear indication that she wants more. Try to ignore any breadcrumbs.

[Ronnys93]

I think you handled it well, whatever the outcome.

 

If she was having second thoughts, your response certainly shows your ability to reflect on your behavior and grow, without asking for anything in return. Huge plus.

 

However, even if she was just looking to relieve guilt or selfishly gain attention by reaching out, your response showed equal amounts of respect and maturity without looking needy or desperate. Another huge plus.

 

Keep taking the high road and try not to have any expectations unless she gives you very clear indication that she wants more. Try to ignore any breadcrumbs.

 

Absolutely! At this stage in MY breakup I would have fallen apart and started expressing all of my feelings.

[Cchance11]

Thanks guys! I really hope she can reflect on our relationship and realize I didn't purposely try to hurt her. These are things I am working on, and I respect her and her decision.

[Cchance11]

I'm 21 and so is my ex. In my recent threads I have shared the reason why she decided to end the relationship. In short, I took her for granted and became extremely selfish and unappreciative during the last half year of our 3 year relationship. She was fed up and left me without much of a chance for me to explain. I agree that she had to do it and I have been making advancements on moving on. 1 month NC and she text me wishing me a nice senior semester. I relieve her guilt and tell her there are no hard feelings.

 

2 weeks after that message I get possible reconciliation hope or maybe a breadcrumb discussion:

 

Her: Hey

I want to talk if you have a minute

Me: Hey, what's up?

Her: Can you call me?

I am driving and can't text

Me: It's not a good time for me right now either. Is it urgent?

Her: No now I'm home so it's okay

I just wanted to tell you that I miss you. I really do. And I'm so sorry for everything.

Me: Thanks for letting me know. It's nice to hear from you

Her: I'm sure you don't care for me much right now but I feel like a jerk.

Me: You had to put yourself first, you don't have to feel like a jerk if you made the right choice for yourself.

Her: I don't feel like I made the right choice. At the time I felt that way. But as time goes on I realize that even tho it wasn't perfect, i miss you. You're not the only one at fault. I definitely did things that weren't perfect. There were things we both needed to change and I should have communicated that better.

Me: I'm not exactly sure what to say. I do want to talk about us and the change we needed. I just need some time to process and sort things out and then talk.

Her: I don't wanna dive into anything. If anything honestly I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I do still care. Whenever you're ready to talk I'll be here.

Me: Thank you, I appreciate it.

 

She tweeted after this (friend told me cause I no longer use social media) "There's just an empty place in my heart right now and it sucks"

 

My question is... does this warrant more than breadcrumbs? Should I wait a while to respond (week or so) or let her reach out again. I do feel like I'm not ready emotionally to meet her or talk on the phone. I do want her back but for the right reasons and for the long haul. I don't want to be the selfish ******* anymore. I'm still hurt by the way she handled the breakup but I don't blame her. Any advice or insight is appreciated. Thanks

[d0nnivain]

First of all there is no after NC. NC is forever. When you didn't automatically delete her message you broke NC too.

 

 

The exchange was a breadcrumb. She's trying to assuage her conscience. She feels bad about hurting you. She realizes there were good things about being in a relationship & she's lonely &/or horny now BUT she does not want to reconcile. She just wants you to tell her that it's OK that she broke your heart. Don't.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

I'm 21 and so is my ex. In my recent threads I have shared the reason why she decided to end the relationship. In short, I took her for granted and became extremely selfish and unappreciative during the last half year of our 3 year relationship. She was fed up and left me without much of a chance for me to explain. I agree that she had to do it and I have been making advancements on moving on. 1 month NC and she text me wishing me a nice senior semester. I relieve her guilt and tell her there are no hard feelings.

 

2 weeks after that message I get possible reconciliation hope or maybe a breadcrumb discussion:

 

Her: Hey

I want to talk if you have a minute

Me: Hey, what's up?

Her: Can you call me?

I am driving and can't text

Me: It's not a good time for me right now either. Is it urgent?

Her: No now I'm home so it's okay

I just wanted to tell you that I miss you. I really do. And I'm so sorry for everything.

Me: Thanks for letting me know. It's nice to hear from you

Her: I'm sure you don't care for me much right now but I feel like a jerk.

Me: You had to put yourself first, you don't have to feel like a jerk if you made the right choice for yourself.

Her: I don't feel like I made the right choice. At the time I felt that way. But as time goes on I realize that even tho it wasn't perfect, i miss you. You're not the only one at fault. I definitely did things that weren't perfect. There were things we both needed to change and I should have communicated that better.

Me: I'm not exactly sure what to say. I do want to talk about us and the change we needed. I just need some time to process and sort things out and then talk.

Her: I don't wanna dive into anything. If anything honestly I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I do still care. Whenever you're ready to talk I'll be here.

Me: Thank you, I appreciate it.

 

She tweeted after this (friend told me cause I no longer use social media) "There's just an empty place in my heart right now and it sucks"

 

My question is... does this warrant more than breadcrumbs? Should I wait a while to respond (week or so) or let her reach out again. I do feel like I'm not ready emotionally to meet her or talk on the phone. I do want her back but for the right reasons and for the long haul. I don't want to be the selfish ******* anymore. I'm still hurt by the way she handled the breakup but I don't blame her. Any advice or insight is appreciated. Thanks

 

No, it doesn't warrant more than breadcrumbs. On one hand, she says she made a mistake, yet on the other hand, she says she isn't necessarily looking for a reconciliation as much as she is really just...venting? looking for closure? It sounds to me like there could be two viable options: she really does still have feelings for you and would be open to trying again and just doesn't want to be too forthcoming about it, or, she is simply lonely and no one better has come along yet, so she is having a desperate moment and going through a breakup stage. She's lonely and now having second thoughts, wondering if staying in an unfulfilling relationship would have been better than being single now and alone. I doubt she feels bad for hurting you, rather feels like she made a mistake because her choice is now hurting her. That is honestly what it seems like. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it and just take things on my own time. The longer you wait, the more her intentions will become clear.

[Maldives]

Hey dude from my experience and i can only speak for myself me and my most recent ex use to break up quiet a bit lol haha having said that it would a lot of the time would drag out to a month she'd reach out or I would apologise and itd be back on. I think a month is a good sign it's more genuine the shorter the period the more genuine in my opinion the reach out is. If it was a few mths that's a bit different maybe less likely. It also depends how her words were wen she finished it was it really finalistic kinda talk from her?

 

It seems like she regrets her decision if ur wanting to reconcile now's not the time to play games it hurts her then she pulls back that kind of thing. I don't know how bad ur break up was if it was out of anger more chance of it being genuine reconciliation. If she cheated that's not good then.

Edited September 7, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Been]

Don't fall for this PLEASE. She's just feeling bad on how she ended it and wants to remove some of the guilt she was carrying around by reaching for you.

Also ask yourself why a month? I mean I could see a week at most of she truly felt that bad reaching out to you to say sorry. But a month?

I'm not saying you can't gt back together. But a month is not long enough for ANYONE to change or work on themselves.

[Cchance11]

Was with my ex gf (both 21) for 3 years. The last half year I got into a terrible rut in the relationship and became very lazy and complacent. I really thought she would never leave me. I hurt her by not trying in the relationship like I should have and took her for granted. I begged and pleaded after the breakup, but went no contact pretty quickly.

 

1 month after no contact, she text me to ask if there were any ill feelings and to wish me well with my senior year of college. I relieved her guilt telling her I have no ill feelings.

 

2 weeks more of no contact and she text me, and attempts to call to tell me she honestly misses me a whole lot and that she does not feel like she made the right choice. She says there are things she messed up on too and that she should have communicated our problems better. She said she wants to talk about us and not dive into anything and I asked for time and haven't texted her yet. (4 days)

 

Meanwhile...... I'm conflicted because on her twitter she has not stopped retweeting things about terrible boyfriends, ones that take girls for granted. "Got to learn to stop being so nice that SO walk all over you" and she posted after our convo that she "didn't realize life was so great until now". Seeing all this stuff makes me not want to talk to her as I only want to reconcile if we can leave the past in the past and work on rebuilding a new relationship.

 

Does her social media display what she really feels about me? That I was some huge mistake and she could possibly not actually want to work this out. I don't know if I want her back or not due to seeing these things

[Marc878]

Nothing's written that you have to do anything. You could just learn from this and move on.

 

She's not committing anyway.

 

You're young and life is an open book right now.

[Marc878]

Was with my ex gf (both 21) for 3 years. The last half year I got into a terrible rut in the relationship and became very lazy and complacent. I really thought she would never leave me. I hurt her by not trying in the relationship like I should have and took her for granted. I begged and pleaded after the breakup, but went no contact pretty quickly.

 

A relationship requires a 50/50 balance. You do your part and expect your other to do hers.

1 month after no contact, she text me to ask if there were any ill feelings and to wish me well with my senior year of college. I relieved her guilt telling her I have no ill feelings.

 

Perfect. You did the right thing.

 

2 weeks more of no contact and she text me, and attempts to call to tell me she honestly misses me a whole lot and that she does not feel like she made the right choice. She says there are things she messed up on too and that she should have communicated our problems better. She said she wants to talk about us and not dive into anything and I asked for time and haven't texted her yet. (4 days)

 

Could just be breadcrumbs. No commitment from her.

 

Meanwhile...... I'm conflicted because on her twitter she has not stopped retweeting things about terrible boyfriends, ones that take girls for granted. "Got to learn to stop being so nice that SO walk all over you" and she posted after our convo that she "didn't realize life was so great until now". Seeing all this stuff makes me not want to talk to her as I only want to reconcile if we can leave the past in the past and work on rebuilding a new relationship.

 

Definitely some resentment there and yes it's directed at you.

 

Does her social media display what she really feels about me? That I was some huge mistake and she could possibly not actually want to work this out. I don't know if I want her back or not due to seeing these things

 

No contact means social media too man. At this time you aren't there.

 

You're very outgoing and most of the time these relationships end.

 

If it were me I'd learn a valuable lesson here go completely NC and see what else was out there.

 

You are way to young to be in a long term commitment now.

 

Why don't you use this as an opportunity yo explore.

 

Just tell her she was right and you think it's best if you Go your separate ways.

[Been]

Call her out on it. Tell her you see she posting all of this negative things regarding ex boyfriends and yet here she is crying the blues to you.

And then tell her no thanks.

I think-and this is a guess- she wants to relieve some possible guilt she has regarding you.

[Cchance11]

WOW, we had an hour and a half long discussion. At first I asked about her work, her cat, what I was up to in school. She broke down and said it was so hard to talk to me this way. She proceeded to display mistakes I made in the relationship and tell me the way they made her feel. I listened, I did not argue. But i let her know that I took this breakup as a chance to improve myself. I let her know that I will never know the pain she is going through, but I do know all the actions I had that led to it. I told her during the breakup I reflected, and reflected hard to never be the guy that I was, because honestly he was a selfish jerk. We ended the conversation with her saying she does not know where to go from here, but we were very civil and ended the convo with more light talk about what we have been up to. I told her it was nice talking to her and she chuckled and said it back.

 

I mean she even said the beginning of the conversation was the me that she loved. She asked why I couldn’t do that while we were together. I let her know that that was a product of my progression. What I have learned reflecting on my actions that hurt her. I genuinely wanted to talk about her work day just now and it was a great discussion! Then the relationship part happened and she is hurt. She misses me and says she doesn’t know why. She says that I have many people to be sorry too, and asked how would things stay changed 3 years from now. I answered saying that this was my first relationship. This was a huge lesson for me, and what she heard earlier was not an act (it wasn’t honestly) and that I’ll know when complacency equals hurtful actions. I said every couple can get complacent, what made this different is that I use it in my actions to indirectly hurt her. I will learn from this and complacency will never cause another woman hurt again in my life.

 

She ended it saying she doesn’t know what to do moving forward and she will be going with the flow. We ended very nicely with more chit chat.

 

Where do we go from here? How did I handle our first contact? Do you see her maybe eventually giving us another go?

[bummer]

Send her a text to meet up for drinks again. Keep the discussion on positive things as much as possible. Make sure you have an excuse to cut it off after an hour or so. Don't talk until you're exhausted. Keep a bit of the mystery alive to keep her intrigued. Repeat until it either evolves or explodes.

[Been]

What led to your break up?

[Cchance11]

I took her for granted for the past half of our 3 year relationship. I was selfish and failed to do things that really mattered to her. I was a great friend, but not the best boyfriend. I failed to tell her how much she meant to me and I got in a pattern of being complacent and lazy.

[trustyourself]

This happened to me as well.

 

Can I ask how long you have been broken up for and NC before the call?

 

Mine was roughly two months in. I answered as it was late at night and I thought it might be an emergency.

 

She just wanted to see how I was. Told me she missed me. We talked about what we had been up to, and then she broke down and started crying. Told me about my shortcomings and what she had needed from me. Apologized for her part in it, and she never meant to hurt me. (The call was also around 90 minutes)

 

I assumed it was a closure conversation.

 

I continued NC and did not hear from her for a month, and then a breadcrumb text. This happened every month for about 2 months and then the period of time got shorter and shorter.

 

Then another phone call telling me she loved me and wanted to try again. Then silence for another couple of weeks.

 

She texted again and I told her I could not keep doing this. It was not fair.

 

About two months ago, she calls me up out of the blue to meet and talk.

 

I go, she says she wants to get back together, but it is a yes or no question. I say yes, because I still love her of course

 

That lasted two weeks before she ripped my heart out again and stomped on it. Pretty sure she hooked up with someone else and then made excuses about how we cant fix what is broken blah blah.

 

 

My advice to you? Be very very careful here. I am guessing she is lonely, but she still does not know what she wants (like my ex)

 

I would maintain nc, and do everything in your power to not get hurt again bud. It is worse the second time around. Trust me.

[Cchance11]

I'd much appreciate if you read my other posts that have all the events and contact leading up to this point. From someone that has shared the same experience I am now, I could really use your advice and experience. It has been 2.5 since the original breakup. She has mentioned things that would need to happen if we were to find our way back together such as apologizing to her parents for my lack of effort to get to know them, I agree to this. She wanted to know how my felt about the situation since they were close. There are signs we could come back. I want changes to be made on my part to keep us together for indefinite this time around if I get the opportunity.

[SevenCity]

This happened to me as well.

 

Can I ask how long you have been broken up for and NC before the call?

 

Mine was roughly two months in. I answered as it was late at night and I thought it might be an emergency.

 

She just wanted to see how I was. Told me she missed me. We talked about what we had been up to, and then she broke down and started crying. Told me about my shortcomings and what she had needed from me. Apologized for her part in it, and she never meant to hurt me. (The call was also around 90 minutes)

 

I assumed it was a closure conversation.

 

I continued NC and did not hear from her for a month, and then a breadcrumb text. This happened every month for about 2 months and then the period of time got shorter and shorter.

 

Then another phone call telling me she loved me and wanted to try again. Then silence for another couple of weeks.

 

She texted again and I told her I could not keep doing this. It was not fair.

 

About two months ago, she calls me up out of the blue to meet and talk.

 

I go, she says she wants to get back together, but it is a yes or no question. I say yes, because I still love her of course

 

That lasted two weeks before she ripped my heart out again and stomped on it. Pretty sure she hooked up with someone else and then made excuses about how we cant fix what is broken blah blah.

 

 

My advice to you? Be very very careful here. I am guessing she is lonely, but she still does not know what she wants (like my ex)

 

I would maintain nc, and do everything in your power to not get hurt again bud. It is worse the second time around. Trust me.

 

Ouch. A cautionary tale to be sure.

 

This is why a lot of people say to leave the past in the past.

[trustyourself]

I'd much appreciate if you read my other posts that have all the events and contact leading up to this point. From someone that has shared the same experience I am now, I could really use your advice and experience. It has been 2.5 since the original breakup. She has mentioned things that would need to happen if we were to find our way back together such as apologizing to her parents for my lack of effort to get to know them, I agree to this. She wanted to know how my felt about the situation since they were close. There are signs we could come back. I want changes to be made on my part to keep us together for indefinite this time around if I get the opportunity.

 

 

I had a quick look through your posts.

 

Honestly, my opinion is that she is lonely. After a bit of time, people start to forget the bad or negative memories of their ex, and only remember the good times. She is probably sitting at home (like I am sure my ex was) and missing you because she is dwelling on the past and missing you.

 

While as we (the dumpee) are overjoyed that they are feeling the loss, and it gives you hope of reconciliation, you must be cautious. Her reasons for possibly reconciling at this point is because she is sad and lonely. These are the wrong reasons to work it out.

 

I am not saying you cant fix your problems and make it work, but you both have to work on yourselves and your relationship.

 

You BOTH need to put in the work. I made the mistake of trying to fix everything on my end, but in hindsight, she was the one doing all the damage, so it did not work. All the old issues came back, partly because I think 6 months was not long enough for us to heal, forgive and fix our issues before trying again.

 

So take some time to really think about what you want. what you REALLY want. If it is her, then you need to take it really slow and make sure you dont fall back in to the same patterns. And for the love of all that is holy, if you see the red flags re-emerging, either communicate the concerns and resolve them, or walk away before you get hurt again.