It ended last night

[TheC0ugar]

I have been in an emotional affair for 6 months. We have never kissed but have held each other for extended periods of time, feeling a kiss would open flood gates for an all out sexual affair. She has an amazing life, great husband, kids...My marriage is basically a partnership...

Last night I got a text from her and her H, stating this would be the last text/email/anything...they are working on their marriage and wished the best for mine...

I am going a little crazy, but know that she is doing whats right, and the guilt of possibly destroying their life has subsided...

Just having panic attack after panic attack here at work and saw some old posts here...

help...where do I go from here?

[BetrayedH]

Fix your marriage or leave it.

 

And respectfully give your spouse the information they need to also make the same informed decision.

[stillafool]

Is she The Cougar or are you?

[TheC0ugar]

I understand the underlying issue is my marriage, simply having a hard time breathing today...can't tell anyone else, so I came here

[TheC0ugar]

And I am thec0ugar, just a username no hidden meaning

[somanymistakes]

There are threads for No Contact support that might help you get through the shock and pain.

 

You are breaking an addiction, and it hurts like crazy right now, but it WILL get better. Breathe slow. You have to focus on you for a little bit, holding yourself together as you let her go.

 

Yes, you'll need to decide what to do with your marriage but that's not today, you don't want to do anything dangerous today right now while you're reeling.

 

It may not have been a normal relationship but it was a breakup, treat yourself as you would want any friend who's just had a breakup to be treated. Breathe. Listen to music. Don't drink, it will make things worse.

[TheC0ugar]

Thank you 'somanymistakes'

I read the NC guide, funny thing is, I workout all the time and its the last thing I want to do right now. All my 'friends' are there and I don't know how to not look like I've been breaking down all day and not sleeping all night...

My W doesn't notice btw, had smaller bumps in the EA road, nothing, ha! But the guide is very insightful, answered ALOT of my questions...thx

[TheC0ugar]

I'm not here to be consoled, I know everything I did was wrong, even in meeting her emotional wants, making her smile, I crossed lines and had no right doing so...

I just feel lost and can't 'get it together' I am going home soon and am not ready to put on a face for the wife or deal with questions...the text last night was a complete shock and I am resolved that I won't ever know "why" and everything here says that the why doesn't matter...it does to me...

[Zona]

I am resolved that I won't ever know "why" and everything here says that the why doesn't matter...it does to me...

 

OK, I'll tell you why. Her husband discovered what was going on and issued an ultimatum to her to chose between him and her family and you. He demanded she go no contact, and she agreed.

 

It's best to leave married women alone. Sorry to be so blunt, but you could have destroyed this woman's life. Just be thankful that you didn't.

Edited August 10, 2017 by Zona

[harrybrown]

Some married men will shoot you if you mess with the wife.

 

hope you start thinking about their kids.

 

Would you like to support them as well?

[ladydesigner]

I'm not here to be consoled, I know everything I did was wrong, even in meeting her emotional wants, making her smile, I crossed lines and had no right doing so...

I just feel lost and can't 'get it together' I am going home soon and am not ready to put on a face for the wife or deal with questions...the text last night was a complete shock and I am resolved that I won't ever know "why" and everything here says that the why doesn't matter...it does to me...

 

Wait until your wife asks her own 'why' did this happen, if she finds out. Maybe that might give you insight into your own 'why.'

[somanymistakes]

So you're married too? Why didn't you give that info in your first post?

 

It was in the first post.

[TheC0ugar]

There's more to this story, I know the family, they know me. I

t's day 1... I see how offensive this post is... Thank you for the blunt answer, that's fair... I'm sorry for those who have suffered with this situation on the other side of the fence.. I wasnt trying to anger you all... I'm new here if there's away to close this post please do it...thanks

[ladydesigner]

There's more to this story, I know the family, they know me. I

t's day 1... I see how offensive this post is... Thank you for the blunt answer, that's fair... I'm sorry for those who have suffered with this situation on the other side of the fence.. I wasnt trying to anger you all... I'm new here if there's away to close this post please do it...thanks

 

TheC0ugar you shouldn't go, you will learn a lot from the people here if you really want the help, but if you want the A you should probably post in the OW/OM Forum.

[wmacbride]

I'll try and be nice, but no guarantees.

 

You are likley going to have to accept that she is gone, and that you may never know why.

 

My guess, is that you may well have placed a lot more emotional value on the relationship than she did. While it certainly crossed the line, she may have tried to convince herself that it didn't, but wasn't able to keep that self deception going.

 

Alternatively, she may have looked into the abyss of a full on physical affair and not liked what she saw.

 

I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt ad say she realized where things were going with you and left. You say she has a great husband, kids, etc. , so I really don't believe there was much chance to a long term relationship with you.

 

if you get one take away form all this, you say she is a great lady, has a great husband etc. Notice that both spouses are involved. Can you say the same about yourself in your marriage?

[TheC0ugar]

I know she's gone, the first day, of course I still want the attachment and attention...

I read some posts last night and earlier this morning, I am just trying to get a grip. Been playing mind games all day.

I believe we were equally vested, but she has a lot more to lose. We discussed that in length, many times...I am well aware of the destruction that could have been, thank God it didn't...I gladly accept the pain and responsibility if it saves their marraige. I'm not ready to focus on my marraige today...

thank you for stern words even if I seem put off I'm not, but my intent was not to make people relive their own hurts. Just didn't know where to turn...

[LivingWaterPlease]

C0ugar, so sorry you're going through this. Yet had you continued with her no matter how things turned out there would have been a world of hurt and probably shame involved.

 

As hard as it is, maybe try to think of it as a beginning rather than an ending.

 

Now you have the opportunity to fix your marriage finding love there or to leave it and find true love with integrity.

 

Do you have children?

[QuietDan]

Just came across your post, probably to late for what you want or need now. I suppose what will help when those moments of panic and anxiety hit is to to think about what good and positive things might result from this.

Your marraige doesn't have to be like this you know???... Sad that you are investing your time and emotional energy into an affair and not into improving your troubled marriage... You could be finding ways to overcome the issues that trouble you with your relationship with your wife... Doesn't your wife deserve to have a full time husband investing his full time effort into being a husband as long as he is responsible for being a full time husband? This is a sad situation for everyone involved. Nothing but counterfeit relationships for everyone in this situation. This is fraud.... Sad... Very Sad..

[usa1ah]

I'm not here to be consoled, I know everything I did was wrong, even in meeting her emotional wants, making her smile, I crossed lines and had no right doing so...

I just feel lost and can't 'get it together' I am going home soon and am not ready to put on a face for the wife or deal with questions...the text last night was a complete shock and I am resolved that I won't ever know "why" and everything here says that the why doesn't matter...it does to me...

 

The why is that she doesn't love you. Just like you were using her she was using you.

 

She knows what she did was wrong and is going to fix things with her husband.

 

Won't comment on your marriage because you have not given any info on it.

 

With what you have said. Divorce and find a woman that is NOT married.

 

Best of luck.

[preraph]

I'm glad you are both exercising self-discipline. Once this has blown over and you've moved on, you'll feel good about yourself for this decision and sticking to some principles. Unlike if you just gave it and let the whole house of cards fall down and make everyone's lives a mess. You'd have had regrets and eventually realized no one is worth sacrificing your principles for. This will increase your self-esteem where giving in would have tore it down. You'll be fine. Mourn or whatever and don't make any decisions until your head is clear and you're calmed down.

[Bufo]

She and/or her BH is either a student of some forum like this one or is a student of books like How to Help Your Spouse Recover from Your Affair. The concise and unemotional NC communication follows the script provided by those resources.

 

Why does this matter? BH knows of the A and despite that knowledge is attempting reconciliation. And assuming I'm correct about him followingforum or book advice, they know that it takes 2 to even attempt R. Which means, at least for the meantime, you are out of he picture and have forfeited any role including family friend.

 

Therefore any thought about how much you miss her, how bad you feel without her, etc is just wasting your time. Let them R if they can.

 

Better to spend your time with or without IC figuring out why you entered into this EA.

Edited August 11, 2017 by Bufo

[Betrayed&Stayed]

and the guilt of possibly destroying their life has subsided...

 

I am well aware of the destruction that could have been, thank God it didn't...

 

 

Possibly?! Could have been?! No, you did destroyed their marriage/life.

 

Of course the AP destroyed her own marriage, but with your willful participation

Edited August 11, 2017 by Betrayed&Stayed

[TheC0ugar]

I know how badly I've wounded the BH and that it has terribly hurt their marriage, but they are students of recovery, both of them... I am hopeful that they absolutely will R and have an even stronger marriage. The destruction I spoke of was family/friends etc...I know the pain and destruction I've caused in their relationship...

I am not trying not belittle the situation by using the wrong words here.

I see my W roughly 6-10 hours a week except sleeping...I know, I enjoyed the attention and affection of OW...so there's a vacuum. I am thankful that she has him to comfort her, guide/lead her through this.

Thanks for all the comments, again sorry for stirring anger here. I'll move on

[Just a Guy]

Hi COugar, you mentioned in your first post that your AP's husband was a wonderful man and her family was happy overall. If that be the case why did she feel the necessity of having an emotional affair with you? She must have discussed problems that she had with her husband while with you in which case why do you say their marriage was good and her husband was a good man? Just wanted a clarification if you don't mind.

 

Also wanted to ask you what is the problem in your marriage and how long have you been married? What about your AP? How long has she been married? You said you have known the family which indicates that they ate friends. If that be the case it is going to be difficult maintaining NC as your wife will wonder why you are keeping away from them. Is it possible for you to move out to another city or get a transfer through your company to another location? Whatever it is I wish you best in a difficult situation.

[TheC0ugar]

your AP's husband was a wonderful man and her family was happy overall. If that be the case why did she feel the necessity of having an emotional affair with you?

I meant it, Godly man, great father/husband, and she didn't cut him down or complain. I paid attention to her, listened, perhaps that was lacking? They have moved to another town and have been transitioning...so at least on that front NC won't be suspicious to my wife. To an earlier post my children are grown and out of the house. And in all honesty the family friend part was recent not a long standing friendship...but we've done things together, in an attempt to be in each others lives and not EA...I know that is naïve, please don't bomb me about it...it was just the hope at the time....

My marriage was very one sided, I was the pleaser, server...after 6 years and MC I got tired of it, so we share a house and a dog. I workout with friends she now goes to women's groups...