AnnaN88 Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 After quite a few disappointments with online dating, I have decided to stop looking at all. Not sure if it is me, or the cruel and brutal online dating world, but I feel tired of it. First of all, I have to say that I moved to abroad about 3 years ago and since then I tried online dating. I went on dates with about 6 guys. Every time it ended with heartbreak or disappointment. One of the guys was married, others wanted only sex, another simply vanished after 3 months and reappeared to let me know that he was getting married ( and not with me, lol). He invited me for lunch to catch up. The last one was the one I talked about in a previous post, divorced guy with kids, that after almost 6 months did a slow disappearing act. He said he did not want anything long term and anyway we were just dating, so did not owe me an explanation. After every rejection/ break up, I am paralyzed by a heartache much more appropriate for the end of a long-term relationship than some " casual dating, let's see where it goes" thing. For some reason, I always manage to get to a second date( and usually more) with the guys that I like, but the thing ends up usually after a few dates/months of dating. It ends when I normally start to think " wait, this time is going to be different". I think that unconsciously i internalised the idea that love is something for other people, but it won't work for me. I am in my late twenties and everyone is asking me why I don't have a boyfriend, suggesting that maybe I am too picky. I wish that was the case. My male friends who use dating apps extensively say that I should not take it personally, that rejection is part of the game and that these things happen to the best of us. My question is " how do you manage to emotionally detach yourself and see dating as a numbers game?" Am I doing something wrong here?
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 I never had problems attracting people IRL but when I found myself single over 35 with no easily accessible pool of available men, I tried OLD. It was demoralizing. I felt like I just kept getting rejected, & rejected. I didn't find the men who were communicating with me all that attractive or interesting. I tried to rationalize that I was older & should be focusing on the quality of the man not just his looks but since I'd always had both before that seemed like settling. The 3 dates I went on were awkward & stressful. When my 90 day subscription ran out I stopped. I then put more effort into meeting men IRL. It was a much better fit for me & eventually met my husband at a business networking function. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 OP, it's not you. In today's world, with online dating, nearly everyone has easy access to potential fantasy partners at their fingertips. People are constantly looking for the next best thing and with the aforementioned access, it becomes easier for many to simply move on to 'greener' pastures. Commitment and permanency is less frequent and this is true, I believe, especially among men dating. I truly feel that the younger you are, the more likely that men are looking to score as many conquests as possible. They are not thinking about settling with one girl. I am in my late 40s and couldn't imagine what the dating is like for younger women. I hear enough from the 40 somethings, but the younger, the more iffy. I will have to say that to help keep yourself from being a part of that pool of possible conquests, do as d0nnivain suggests. Go at it IRL to meet people. No guarantee, of course, as many of them may also be using OLD, but it may be an improvement. All in all, in order to OLD, you really need to be patient, develop a thick skin and not take things personally. All being difficult... 1
kazen Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 You have a good heart, Anna. That is an enduring quality that good guys will be looking for. I don't think you need to change how you feel but more on how you go about meeting the right guys. Dating apps seems to attract guys who want a quick fling. And good-hearted guys are out there but they tend to focus on their interests. One way to find such a guy is to join some activities that interests you. One of my co-worker met her husband through fencing class. I thought that was so cool. 1
Mike B. Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 I agree with you male friends. Don't take it personal. I hate to use hackneyed phrases but it really "is what it is." you just won't be able to change the momentum out there. I would really focus on doing what makes you happy whatever that may be. 1
Miss Spider Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 I feel you, girl. It's hard work! For me, no married or looking for sex guys (I sort of wish), just no luck. I truly can barely land a date with someone I'm interested in because the ones who interest me even physically are like four-leaf clovers OLD exacerbates all the issues that comes with traditional dating. I see a kind of pattern for you, though. Your guys are emotionally unavailable. I take it there are some signs of that before you got 3 months in. If you're consistently dating a guy for months you are in relationship. Maybe you haven't said the word and maybe it's not exclusive, but you are. So you should know this person or get some kind of sign of them checking out? And if someone ghosts you after a 3 mo relationship that's gonna freaking hurt! Bad. Of course. You can't bank all your self worth on the way ****ty people treat you, though. You have to learn to protect yourself, see signs, get better at vetting sketchy men to decrease the chances of getting hurt again, but don't make some weirdos actions make you lose all hope in dating. Good luck! 1
Author AnnaN88 Posted August 10, 2017 Author Posted August 10, 2017 I never had problems attracting people IRL but when I found myself single over 35 with no easily accessible pool of available men, I tried OLD. It was demoralizing. I felt like I just kept getting rejected, & rejected. I didn't find the men who were communicating with me all that attractive or interesting. I tried to rationalize that I was older & should be focusing on the quality of the man not just his looks but since I'd always had both before that seemed like settling. The 3 dates I went on were awkward & stressful. When my 90 day subscription ran out I stopped. I then put more effort into meeting men IRL. It was a much better fit for me & eventually met my husband at a business networking function. Nice story! I'm trying to meet guys IRL, however I work in a fashion/retail environment where most of the men are gay. I suppose I have to go out more
kazen Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 Nice story! I'm trying to meet guys IRL, however I work in a fashion/retail environment where most of the men are gay. I suppose I have to go out more Yea, definitely go out more and go to the same places often. Sometimes a guy who works there or goes there often might have his sights on you but needed to see you a few more times to work up the courage to approach you.
knabe Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 OP, when you say you dated six guys, do you mean you had actual, defined relationships with these 6 men, or just a few dates? I'm asking because if you had relationships with them, then the heartbreak and devastation is understandable. If you just went on a few dates and you were that devastated, you need to learn to detach and not get so invested so quickly.
Author AnnaN88 Posted August 10, 2017 Author Posted August 10, 2017 Yea, definitely go out more and go to the same places often. Sometimes a guy who works there or goes there often might have his sights on you but needed to see you a few more times to work up the courage to approach you. Good tips, thank you very much
Author AnnaN88 Posted August 10, 2017 Author Posted August 10, 2017 OP, when you say you dated six guys, do you mean you had actual, defined relationships with these 6 men, or just a few dates? I'm asking because if you had relationships with them, then the heartbreak and devastation is understandable. If you just went on a few dates and you were that devastated, you need to learn to detach and not get so invested so quickly. No, I only dated " long term" two of the guys, with the others I only went on a few dates. I found that the pattern was similar, these guys looked very interested at the beginning, then their interested will slowly fade and I would be left questioning myself and waste my time trying to understand their behaviour. I wasn't left devastated after each bad experience, but all these dating experiences cumulated left a bad teste in my mouth. For example, the last guy I dated was very close to me, I had a serious health scare and he was the only one who knew about it and he seemed supportive. In the end he did not have the guts to tell me that he did not want a long term relationship so he thought that ignoring me would be the best way. The cutoff dating mentality is what annoys me the most. And this can happen after 2 dates, but also after 6 months. You are just a number after all.
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 Nice story! I'm trying to meet guys IRL, however I work in a fashion/retail environment where most of the men are gay. I suppose I have to go out more Exactly. I stuck to a plan where I went to one business networking event per week to grow my new business and one singles / social event per week to meet people. There was some cross over & sometimes I "cheated" & flirted at the business things or talked business at the social things. My point is I didn't just sit home staring at my computer wondering why I wasn't meeting anybody. OLD is 1 tool. You have to do more then just click a few buttons. Even Match now offers in person meet & greets. So: * go to MeetUp events * join a co-ed sports team * take or teach an adult education class for fun * go to specialized singles events -- more then just meat markets, they have wine / beer tastings; going to movies as a group (not great for conversation); events where you play board games; hiking groups; I went to one called Leashes & Lovers so I could bring my dog which made "going by myself" a little less scary; I was going to do one where they match you with a 4-some to play golf . . . find a niche event that interests you
diddilybop Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 i actually met my boyfriend through tinder. however, with my experience, i think i just got lucky. i was using the app for a couple of months and he was the fourth person i went on date with and we hit it off immediately. anyway, i think there's kind a "casual air" in terms of the online/app dating game. while you're getting matches and having conversations with them, you're not forced to actually go out with any these people or turn it into something serious. like the others have suggested, try not to take it too personally, have other outlets outside of the apps to meet people and have fun in the meantime!
Author AnnaN88 Posted August 11, 2017 Author Posted August 11, 2017 i actually met my boyfriend through tinder. however, with my experience, i think i just got lucky. i was using the app for a couple of months and he was the fourth person i went on date with and we hit it off immediately. anyway, i think there's kind a "casual air" in terms of the online/app dating game. while you're getting matches and having conversations with them, you're not forced to actually go out with any these people or turn it into something serious. like the others have suggested, try not to take it too personally, have other outlets outside of the apps to meet people and have fun in the meantime! I am glad things ended up working out for you on Tinder! I don't know, maybe I am not suitable for online dating. The playing games thing, keeping it casual, not knowing where you stand with someone, all these things are too confusing and tiring.
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