Communication

[KBob]

Hey y'all.

 

The GF and I are now at 3 1/2 months. Lately though, in the past month or so, it seems like communication has faded. I looked back through my messages and the conversation is much less than what it used to be, not as frequent or with as much substance from her, maybe there's a grand total of 10-12 messages between the two of us in a day, there used to be at least double to triple that. I had to have a talk with her the other day about going silent on me in the evening, as now that I've come to care about her I worry about her long, deer laden country road drive at night on the way home from work. And today, as another example, a nine hour gap in talking despite having the free time.

 

Texting isn't the ideal form of communication, but since our work schedules preclude us from seeing each other more than once a week at the moment and aren't very accommodating to talking on the phone most of the time, so what texting we can do is all we have.

 

I keep telling myself that maybe this is me requiring too much and that I should lighten up but I keep having a feeling of neglect and that the relationship might be dying out, which I don't really want it to but ultimately I'm only one side of it. And this is all weird to me since things seem good when we're together, and we're taking a trip to the mountains for a week at the end of the month (which at the end of I'll meet more of her family), and I'm invited to her cousins wedding in a couple months.

 

I have had discussions with some friends and made a post on here about how communication evolves in a relationship, but I feel I need some more direct perspective here:

 

Am I being crazy and needy?

Edited August 9, 2017 by KBob

[Gaeta]

How long do you spend together on that 1 date a week?

 

I think you need to be a little more independant and not rely so much on this daily communication. Back before texting relationship developped very well without it. There was no texting 20 times a day, couples would have a short conversation on the phone here and t here during the week and see each other on weekends. They made it to marriage that way.

 

My boyfriend does not text, at all. I send him text to inform him of xyz and he doesn't reply. Last time he text me was July. He hates texting. He reads my text and then he'll calls me a few hours later to discuss my text. I am perfectly fine with this because he shows me he cares 100 other ways, I don't need this texting.

 

What was her excuse for not getting back to you the other night?

[d0nnivain]

You have been dating for about 100 days & you are complaining that she only sends you a dozen texts per day.

 

It's you. Really.

 

I doubt my husband & I send a dozen texts per week.

[mortensorchid]

Doesn't sound like a major issue. We spend too much time glued to our phones and things nowadays. We should opt to actually talk about things rather than do it with machines. If something is bothering you, talk about it face to face not on texts.

[rushed]

maybe there's a grand total of 10-12 messages between the two of us in a day ... I had to have a talk with her the other day about going silent on me in the evening

 

If my boyfriend told me this, I would definitely think he was clingy and needy... or controlling.

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like things have calmed down from excessive texting to a lot of texting to me. 10-12 texts is a lot every single day.

 

You need to get some life of your own going on - she's calmed things down because she has one goin gon and has responsibilities to keep up with.

 

Also, please remember that her free time does not 'belong to you'.

We all need down time.

 

I've been on the receiving end of this with a guy who insisted upon texting all day every day. It was totally exhausting. No matter what I said about what I was doing, nothing cooled him for any length of time.

He did turn out to be controlling and also abusive in various ways.

He was incredibly insecure and needy - which I think was the cause of it all.

 

He got worse over time and it eventually became obvious that early morning and late night texts were some kind of assurance that U wasn't cheating on him.

I never gave him and cause to think I even might cheat - I didn't cheat on him nor have I ever cheated on anyone.

 

Don't be that guy.

Be considerate of her time, things are slowing down whilst she tries to keep on top of things in her life and keep you happy. She also has to keep herself happy (time for herself) but it sounds like you 'need' to be 'in' every part of her day.

Give the lady a break!

[KBob]

Sounds like things have calmed down from excessive texting to a lot of texting to me. 10-12 texts is a lot every single day.

 

You need to get some life of your own going on - she's calmed things down because she has one goin gon and has responsibilities to keep up with.

 

Also, please remember that her free time does not 'belong to you'.

We all need down time.

 

I've been on the receiving end of this with a guy who insisted upon texting all day every day. It was totally exhausting. No matter what I said about what I was doing, nothing cooled him for any length of time.

He did turn out to be controlling and also abusive in various ways.

He was incredibly insecure and needy - which I think was the cause of it all.

 

He got worse over time and it eventually became obvious that early morning and late night texts were some kind of assurance that U wasn't cheating on him.

I never gave him and cause to think I even might cheat - I didn't cheat on him nor have I ever cheated on anyone.

 

Don't be that guy.

Be considerate of her time, things are slowing down whilst she tries to keep on top of things in her life and keep you happy. She also has to keep herself happy (time for herself) but it sounds like you 'need' to be 'in' every part of her day.

Give the lady a break!

 

So it is me, that's exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks for the check, everyone.

 

I am definitely not that guy. This has nothing to do with being jealous or controlling. It's good to hear more people on the side of less communication. I must have dated chatterboxes in my past and that's what I've grown used to, texting and conversation was abundant and flowed without an issue. I'll have to get used to this one being more quiet this way, but now I can feel like it's not a big deal.

[Miss Spider]

Even that's too many texts for me. Gosh I despise texting and the added complexities that have arose from it

[Gaeta]

How long do you spend together on that 1 date a week?

 

I would really like you answer my question.

 

All relationships need one thing, balance and security. Do you feel *secure* in this relationship? or you are always worried she will leave? If you do feel like she is not entirely yours that's why you crave her attention all the time. When a couple is 'secure' they can go days without talking and it's not gonna shake them. They know deep down the other one thinks of them just as much.

 

There are some people that are cligny by nature because they have important insecurities and you're saying it's not you so good. There are regular people, like you, that sometimes will go through phases of feeling insecure and those should not be dismiss, I think.

 

I still would like to know why she did not reply to your text when you asked her if she had made it home safely? See, that's a yellow flag to me. If I am to drive on a long road in the woods and my bf wants to make sure I made it safely I would never ignore him, not even if we just had a huge fight before. It's not human to do that.

[Gaeta]

I read your thread posted a month ago titled 'cancelled plans'. It described a woman that has very little respect for you. She ignores your questions, ignores your text, you get to see her only once a week and she cancels those plans for ridiculous reasons and her sense of humor tends to be mocking toward you.

 

It confirms my theory. This relationship isn't balance and is insecure for you. That's why you feel the way you do.

[KBob]

I would really like you answer my question.

 

All relationships need one thing, balance and security. Do you feel *secure* in this relationship? or you are always worried she will leave? If you do feel like she is not entirely yours that's why you crave her attention all the time. When a couple is 'secure' they can go days without talking and it's not gonna shake them. They know deep down the other one thinks of them just as much.

 

There are some people that are cligny by nature because they have important insecurities and you're saying it's not you so good. There are regular people, like you, that sometimes will go through phases of feeling insecure and those should not be dismiss, I think.

 

I still would like to know why she did not reply to your text when you asked her if she had made it home safely? See, that's a yellow flag to me. If I am to drive on a long road in the woods and my bf wants to make sure I made it safely I would never ignore him, not even if we just had a huge fight before. It's not human to do that.

 

It could be a phase. There is a looming insecurity over the relationship from both our ends: we both have plans to move to different places than the place we currently live. We've talked about this and acknowledged that we both see potential for a future together but obviously it's too soon for either of us the decide whether we want to give up our plans for each other.

 

She said she didn't reply because she was having a back pain and she went home popped some Robaxacet and passed out. The back pain is legit and still bothering her. I'm glad you acknowledge that I'm not being controlling in asking for a made it home safe text, there is literally no reason beyond not making it home safe that that couldn't be sent. BUT when I did bring it up she was apologetic and has since been texting me to let me know she made it home ok.

[KBob]

How long do you spend together on that 1 date a week?

 

Sorry, I forgot to answer this one. On average we'll spend a day together, she'll stay overnight and leave around late morning. That was one of the reasons I invited her to come with me to the mountains so we could spend some time together.

[KBob]

I read your thread posted a month ago titled 'cancelled plans'. It described a woman that has very little respect for you. She ignores your questions, ignores your text, you get to see her only once a week and she cancels those plans for ridiculous reasons and her sense of humor tends to be mocking toward you.

 

It confirms my theory. This relationship isn't balance and is insecure for you. That's why you feel the way you do.

 

I should explain some things so she isn't demonized. I never followed up with that thread as to the result because nobody replied so I didn't bother. After she attempted to cancel the plans she ended up coming over that night and I almost broke up with her, but the way she handled the argument stopped me. She was hardly defensive, owned up to what she did wrong and opened up to me quite a bit about some things, so oddly enough that argument ended up resolving quite a bit of what needed to be talked about. Boundaries were set and we got on the same page as to where the relationship was going. And the mocking thing hasn't happened since ajf she hasn't attempted to cancel plans. I'm nearly certain that issues with her aren't caused out of a lack of respect but rather being completely oblivious to how relationships are conducted and poor boundaries, both I believe coming from a lack of relationship experience in her mature years.

 

What you said does have merit to me, I think maybe I'm still a little sensitive to what has happened in the past and I haven't let it go as much as I should have.