hondababe Posted August 8, 2017 Posted August 8, 2017 So I'm going on date 5 with a guy. He's a slow burner, we have had drinks twice, one quick catch up (both of us were working late but knew we had to see each other as it had been a while) and last time we went for dinner. I'm not from the US and I struggle with the dating game in NYC, I'm not used to multiple dating. I get that I'm in a different environment so trying to understand it. I like this guy. I have no idea if it would go anywhere or not. I'm happy seeing him and spending time getting to know him. We are sleeping together. I don't want to have an exclusivity talk as I think it's too early for that, but I struggle when I see him logged on in a dating site. It's every day. He says he talks to people sometimes. Well the amount he seems to be on it, suggests more than that. My question is: I'm happy with things, don't really want an exclusivity chat (that's too serious for now), I do want to see him again and continue getting to know him but I also need to know what the score is to be honest, but I'm not asking for exclusivity. I just wanna know all the facts, so I can decide how I move forward. Best way to do this?
d0nnivain Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 The score is you are where you are. He's sleeping with you but actively looking for other women to date / have sex with. It's highly unlikely that he will ever see you as serious relationship material because you slept with him too early & didn't mind that he's with other women. So for now since you are enjoying it, you keep doing what you are doing. If you want more, you have to at least open the exclusivity talk but I don't think it will be productive. 1
act00 Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 You're sleeping with him but it's "too soon" for a discussion about being exclusive? You see he is actively online on dating sites -- and you know this because your profile remains open and you check up on him. He's seeking other women, and with your open profile, you are presumably seeking other men. Sorry, but if you want exclusive, discuss it. Don't sleep with him otherwise unless you're okay "sharing your man" and having an open, casual relationship. Pick one or the other. If he runs away when you bring up exclusive, your answer is clear...time to move on. 2
CptInsano Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 I think it is time for the exclusivity chat, because you are having this discussion with yourself at the moment. I'm with act00 in this regard, you will have to pick one or the other: Either the relationship is casual or it is not. I wouldn't wait for him to make a change, as he may not know that this causes a conflict for you. You will have to bring it up.
Gaeta Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 I don't think dating is THAT different from country to country. No matter where you are from, sleeping with a man then finding him online sucks!! that is why no matter what type of 'dating' is popular you don't have to abide by it. You make your own rules and stay true to yourself. If you hate seeing a man still on a dating site after sex than: 1) don't have sex till profiles are down 2) have the exclusivity talk and both take your profiles down. I spoke to my bf about exclusivity after our 5th date. We had been intimate and there was no way I was gonna put myself through watching him online. Problem solved, dating almost 2 years now. Exclusivity isn't a marriage or a commitment, it's just an agreement to see each other exclusively to see if something will develop, if you don't like it a week later you break it that's all. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 I'm not judging anyone here, and Lord knows there are tons of people that had sex on the first meeting and are happily together...Additionally, I am not a woman, either...:laugh: That being said, if I were, and looking for serious relationship prospects, I don't think it would be wise to put out so easily...Especially now, where the next victim...err....woman, is just a click away... There are no good guys I know of, who actually have real attraction for a particular woman that get bothered by waiting..In fact, most see it as someone with good self control and worth..and not impetuousness...And if they don't want to wait, then you probably have your answer... TFY
mikeylo Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 How do you know he is logging on everyday ? Are you also logging on and see him there ? He could be saying the same thing about you. ' she is logging on everyday '. 1
preraph Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 (edited) I'm not judging anyone here, and Lord knows there are tons of people that had sex on the first meeting and are happily together...Additionally, I am not a woman, either...:laugh: That being said, if I were, and looking for serious relationship prospects, I don't think it would be wise to put out so easily...Especially now, where the next victim...err....woman, is just a click away... There are no good guys I know of, who actually have real attraction for a particular woman that get bothered by waiting..In fact, most see it as someone with good self control and worth..and not impetuousness...And if they don't want to wait, then you probably have your answer... TFY Yes, I agree, except that the man's situation is often the same as here -- so then the woman is holding out and the man is still actively looking for other women, including those who will put out now. That seems to be the typical situation women are faced with. I say have sex if you want to but realize that may be all it is. If you want more than sex, then you have to judge if he's only seeing you for sex or if he seems to genuinely actively be trying to get to know you and see who you are. In my experience in the swinging '70s, there were a lot of one-niters. It wasn't like you had sex and they kept asking you out. But of course today, we have the FWB system, a very flawed system of vagueries. You also have to consider that if you act like a virgin and wait two months to have sex and then at some point he finds out you've been no angel in the past, which may be evident by the rock star BJ you gave him, this will not sit well, and it is for this reason I think you have to be who you are but you have to understand the risks and not get false hopes if the "dates" are really just booty calls. But you're young and you're having fun and as long as it's fun, great. Just be sure you're on birth control, men and women, so there's no accidents. I kind of think if a couple has sex real soon and hit it off, they both will put a positive spin on it and say "It was just a magnetic pull; we were together from then on," but when it doesn't work out, then you get the "I should have known. She slept with me on the second date so she's easy." Or probably more common is "She or he slept with me and it was alright but nothing special, so meh. Maybe if I have nothing better to do." Edited August 9, 2017 by preraph
kendahke Posted August 9, 2017 Posted August 9, 2017 This is what not wanting exclusivity means. He can browse the dating site and chat up whomever he wishes because you two do not have any agreements in place. You're going to have to find a way to like this aspect of what it is you say you want, because it comes with the territory if you choose to proceed in this fashion.
Bastile Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 OP's guy sounds like someone with options. The way you attract a man with options is to simply be his best option. That doesn't mean browbashing people on early dates about exclusivity. It doesn't mean being manipulative regarding intimacy - using it as leverage. These are ways to dominate a man without options: a desperate man. Instead, It means being damn hot in and out of the bedroom; learning to cook some good meals; being great company; not being a nag or mooch. It's natural that women want to pair-bond after sex. And it's just as natural that a man with options latches to one that has the qualities I've described. His testosterone lowers, and he stops seeking out other women. This is my experience, and it's backed up by science. The alternative is to filter for a low-T guy, with no options or the ability to cultivate them, who is easily dominated. Getting exclusive with people early is such a bad idea on so many levels.
diddilybop Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 (edited) honestly, if you're thinking about it a lot and have questions on your mind, i think it's best to talk to him about what you both want. you're not necessarily asking for exclusivity but it's important to be on the same page. i was in a similar situation as you last year. i met my now-boyfriend through an online dating app a little over a year ago. we both had our accounts while we were seeing each other (4 months in), i decided since i was really starting to like him and wanted to continue seeing him, i had to talk to him about my feelings. so, when we hung out one day, i said, "hey, i just want to tell you that i like you and i'm enjoying spending time with you. i'd like to keep doing that, i hope you feel the same :)". he felt the same way for me and it made things much easier! Edited August 10, 2017 by diddilybop
Novz Posted August 10, 2017 Posted August 10, 2017 There goes the kind of "relationship" set-up you want.
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